Chapter 5
DUKE
“Shit crazy as hell,” I mumbled before taking a sip, trying to mentally prepare myself to see Erika in a casket.
Today was Erika’s wake. I left work early to make it. Tried to talk myself out of it but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t attend. Regardless of where we stood when we went our separate ways, Erika still deserved respect.
After taking a sip from the bottle, I killed the engine and grabbed the bouquet of white roses I picked up on my way in.
Was I doing too much? Probably so. Fuck it.
NeNe thought work was spilling over and I had the text messages to prove it if shit got too sticky.
The team was on site—I left an hour ago.
Pulled up at the wake in dusty ass work clothes.
She was going out with her sister anyway, so I was the last thing she was worried about.
Getting out of the car, I took notice to all of the people walking in.
Erika had a bright ass spirit. Because I knew her on a deeper level, I knew she didn’t keep Diary away from me for vindictive reasons.
What Rochelle said had to be true. She wanted her baby and decided to raise it on her own, intending to carry on with life without me ever finding out.
But eventually, that good heart of hers got in the way and she planned to tell me.
When I walked into the crowded funeral home, heads turned, as if they smelled a nigga coming or some shit.
As I made my way to the front of the room, I heard whispers.
Couldn’t make out what was being said because my eyes were fixed on the pearl white casket in front of me.
I swallowed the knot in my throat and continued my stride, ignoring all of the muthafuckas behind me.
We spent a lot of time together, of course my emotions were getting the best of me. Shit was unfortunate as hell.
I didn’t want this to be how I saw her for the last time.
Swallowing again, I fought against my emotions, sick as hell.
Guilty as hell. Scared as hell. A lot of ‘as hells’.
My life was changing… drastically. I didn’t know if I could do this without her.
Take care of Diary. I had a family. I couldn’t…
she… Mahogany… she wouldn’t take Diary in. I—I was fucked up. Heavily.
Finally, I made it to the casket and the tears I fought against, fought back, whooping my ass.
I dropped a few. Couldn’t help but. She looked…
good. Decent. The accident left her with a lot of scars.
Mostly in her face and her head but they did her up real nice.
Didn’t look like Erika, but she looked good enough.
Close. Like a distant cousin. But she did look peaceful.
Didn’t they all though? When the day came… didn’t they all look peaceful?
“Damn E,” I muttered before swiping a tear away from my nose. “What the hell am I going to do?” I whispered.
Clearly not low enough because someone from behind said, “What you supposed to do.”
I looked over my shoulder and the same nigga from the hospital stood behind me, waiting while I paid my respects.
His eyes were bloodshot red, and he had a frown on his face.
Standing up straight, I held my chin up a little, just in case a nigga wanted smoke.
I didn’t know what the fuck it was with Erika’s family but muthafuckas were acting like I was the problem.
Like I walked out on her and the kid. I left her—didn’t know shit about a baby.
“What?” I questioned, matching the frown on his face.
He held his hands up a little. “No offense. You done?”
I sized him up and told him I wasn’t. I didn’t give a fuck about being in a funeral home, surrounded by people that apparently hated me. If a nigga wanted smoke, we could get shit moving without a problem.
Turning back around, I leaned down and kissed her on her forehead. “I got it E. I’ll do my best. Rest well.”
What else was I supposed to do? I had to play with the hand I was dealt regardless of how shitty it might’ve been.
I just… I needed to tell my wife. The first thing I needed to do was read the results.
Should have opened them days ago but facing reality wasn’t easy for me.
What would I do when what I knew was confirmed?
Didn’t know if I would tell her once I got the results or let it breathe a little.
Before I walked out of the funeral home, I looked for Ms. Rochelle. I had to pay my respects. I wasn’t a fucked-up nigga and for some reason I wanted them to know that too.
“Hey Ms. Rochelle,” I greeted once I found her sitting on one of the pews.
She was surrounded by family and friends, crying. Looking up at me she sniffled, dabbed at her eyes and stood. I was taken aback when she wrapped her arms around me. Seemed like she was the only muthafucka who had a little compassion for me.
“I’m so sorry, Duke. I—my daughter… she didn’t prepare for this and… and I’m sorry! I’m sorry for the time she took away from you. God gon’ work it all out, baby.”
God gon’ work it out.
Religious folks loved saying that shit. If God was really on my side He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen in the first place. But fuck it. It was what it was. Hopefully, if He cared about me as much as muthafuckas claimed He cared about His people, he would work it out for me. I hoped.
“Hey daddy!” Yelled Sparkle when I walked into the house.
Leaning down, I picked her up with a grunt. “Wassup baby girl? What you up to?”
Sparkle was a sight for sore eyes. The ride back to the house after the funeral home was a blur.
Most of it was spent thinking about Erika.
Seeing her in that casket fucked with me like a muthafucka.
The last time I saw her she was alive and…
well, she wasn’t well. Alive and fucked up because I was breaking things off with her.
I hated that shit had ended like that for us.
I didn’t like for that to be the last memory I had with her. Breaking her heart.
“Nothing,” she lifted her hands to show me them. “Painting.”
I lifted her from my side a little to get a look at my clothes and yep… paint all over them. Washable paint so I was good. Didn’t fuss about it.
“You gon’ show me what you did when I get settled?” I asked.
“Can I show you now daddy? Please! I want to show you now!” She yelled, before jumping down from my waist.
I ran my hands over the top of my head, laughed and told her for sure.
Today was a day but my kids always put a smile on my face.
Mahogany did too… if we were in a good place.
We were straight. But coming home to dryness after going through what I just went through…
nah. I’d much rather be greeted by my babies.
“Wassup dad,” Gabe spoke with a head nod, once Spark and I made it to the top of the stairs.
Things were still a little rocky with the lil’ nigga but we were good.
Ain’t have any other choice but to be. I caught him watching me and Mahogany anytime we had an interaction, but he stayed on mute.
I got it. I would’ve been on the same type of time if my ma and pops had stayed together and had a little conflict I knew about.
“What up doe? You cleaned that room?” I asked, with raised brows.
He showed me the garbage bag he had. “Cleaning it now.”
“Aight bet. Aubry! Honesty! Come here!”
Since Mahogany had been picking up more hours at the office, I had been pulling my weight more often, making sure shit was good before she came home. She might’ve been out with her sister, but still…I had to check in with the kids to make sure they ate and cleaned up after themselves too.
“Hey daddy,” Aubry spoke.
“Hey dad. What’s wrong?” Honesty asked with furrowed brows. “Mama on her way back yet?”
“Nah not yet, but she should be back before bedtime,” I reassured her, before pulling her over to kiss her on the top of her head. “Did y’all eat?”
“Yeah. I wish we could’ve had Jet’s tho’. Low key tired of chicken,” Gabe said, swinging that bag around.
Kids couldn’t stay still for shit.
I laughed, “Man, at least you’re fed.”
“I know,” he said with a laugh.
“Yes, I ate daddy,” said Spark.
“I ate. I want some more. Can I get more?” Honesty said.
“Yeah. Clean up after yourself when you done. Who on the kitchen today?” I asked.
Aubry sucked her teeth. “I am. But Honesty was yesterday, and she did not wash the dishes so I feel like she should have to do them tonight.”
“What? You sound crazy. I’m not washing the dishes!” Honesty complained.
“You need to! It’s still some in the sink from—”
“Listen,” I interrupted with a sigh. “Bry, you act like you gotta wash them for real. Just rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.”
“I’m saying though,” she continued to complain. “It’s still a load in there from yesterday and I’ll have to—”
“Aight look. Honesty, unload the dishes. Aubry, load it when she’s done. And Honesty… whatever you dirty up with your second plate, clean. Aight?”
She pouted but said okay anyway.
“And I didn’t eat. I’m getting Chick-Fil-A,” Aubry said with a smile, showing me the DoorDash app on her phone.
Gabe sucked his teeth. “That ain’t fair!”
“Yes it is. I have my own money, little boy,” She teased.
Aubry had a little side hustle selling charm bracelets on Etsy, but sales were far and in between. She was in the process of looking for a job, but it’d been hard with her busy school schedule.
“Yeah okay. All of y’all finish y’all chores before momma gets back.”
“It’s barely anything to do—she cleaned up before she left and—”
“So if I check the bathroom, it’s going to be clean, G?” I asked Gabe, cutting him off.
“I had to clean my room,” he complained. “I can’t do both like that.”
“You will tonight,” I told him. “You too Spark. Make sure you clean up the mess you made.”
“Okay, okay! Can I show you now, daddy?” Sparkle rushed.
“Yeah.”
There were a few moans, groans, and teeth sucking about chores, but they carried their asses on to do what I told them to do.
All but Spark who grabbed my hand and dragged me to her room to show me her painting.
She’d splattered damn near every color she had on the canvas and had gotten it all over her desk and floor too.
It was a mess, but I told her it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.
After, she told me I could have it to hang in my man-cave, and I told her I would.
Which… I would. I’d already had a couple of her Picassos down there already.
Once I was done checking in with the kids, I went to the bedroom, closing and locking the door behind me.
With a sigh, I looked over at the bed and shook my head.
A nigga was still trapped down in the man-cave.
Couldn’t believe it’d been damn near a week since she put me out the room and hadn’t bulged to let me back in.
We were good and cordial around the crib but that was about it.
I hadn’t slept with my wife since she’d been back and that shit ate at me viciously.
Despite missing the hell out of her, I respected what she wanted and suffered in silence, uncomfortable as hell every night on that couch.
Sleeping on the couch was a major step up from divorce so… I was cool with it, I guess.
Before I got undressed to shower, I emptied my pockets out onto the dresser and the folded-up test results taunted me. I clenched my jaw and took a deep breath, deciding it was time to finally open them.
I picked the envelope up and paced for a few before I ended up at the balcony doors.
Although the bedroom door was locked, I slid the balcony doors open and walked outside.
The evening breeze greeted me as I sat in one of the chairs.
My heart raced. Started to pace but sat down instead.
As I ran my finger under the flap of the envelope, my heart raced.
Didn’t understand why the fuck I was so nervous to read what I already knew to be true, but I was.
I guess it was because reading them would make it more real.
I took my time taking the results out of the envelope. Took an even slower time reading them. When I got to the bottom and read the results, my stomach dropped. Probability of paternity? 99.9%.
I was immediately sick to my stomach. It wasn’t the results that got me.
Like I said, I knew she was mine. Looked too much like Sparkle, who looked like me, not to be mine.
It was the gravity of it all that pulled me down.
I had to step up for real now. I had to make Diary a part of my life.
I had to figure it out. I promised Erika I would.
So, I had to make good on that. Not just because I promised her but because I refused to let one of mine grow up without a pops like I had to do.
It was the right thing to do. I just didn’t know how the fuck I was going to do it.
You see the structure I already had? Shit was perfect.
I had my four and there was a system. I knew them.
Knew them just as well as I knew myself.
They were mine through and through. I raised them from babies.
Diary? I didn’t know her. I’d have to get to know her.
This whole shit? The entire situation? It would take time.
And I prayed like hell that Rochelle would give me that.