Chapter 20 #2
My phone rang and I looked over at it sitting on the desk.
He looked over at it too, looked at me, and walked over to the desk to pick it up.
With the corners of my mouth turned up, I let him.
At this point, what the fuck did I have to hide?
We were getting a divorce. He got the papers.
From that point forward I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to do.
What happened to day with him catching me was his fault, and his fault only.
When he picked the phone up, I saw Aubry’s face on the screen. He looked over at me with this look of ‘yeah okay’. I rolled my eyes, walked over, and snatched it from him.
Answering it on speaker, I said, “Hey Bry, baby. I’ll be home in a min—
“What did auntie Sienna say to dad?”
“What?”
“Not too long ago. Auntie Sienna was here. I left them alone for a couple of minutes and when I came back she was gone. And then not too long after that, he got into an Uber without saying anything to us.”
I brushed my hand over my forehead with a sigh. “What? She—I don’t know, Aubry. Your father is here. We’ll be home in a minute.”
“Really? You don’t know? I think she gave him divorce papers.
He had an envelope in his hands. If you had Sienna give him divorce papers you really, really messed up, ma.
What is wrong with you? Why won’t you just forgive him?
He didn’t even do anything! You said he didn’t hit you! Why won’t you just stop this!?”
I sighed and gritted my teeth. I didn't have time for this shit. I blatantly told Sienna not to serve him anywhere near the kids. What the fuck?
“I know you better lower your voice and recognize who the hell you talkin’ too. Stay out of grown folks business,” I said before hanging up in her face.
Duke huffed and shook his head. “You see what you doin? Tearin the fuckin’ family a part. You ruinin everything. Selfish as fuck. Don’t give a fuck about how this shit is affecting the kids or nothing. You the only person in this entire equation happy.”
I stood there in disbelief with my mouth slightly open. Was he serious? I mean... was he really fucking serious? I was tearing the family apart? I was ruining everything? Duke had lost his gotdamn mind!
“Hold up! I’m ruining everything? I’m tearing the family apart? No! Bitch nigga you did that! Not me!”
He sucked his teeth. “Man, like I said... you doin this shit to them. Not me. House all quiet and shit. Kids sad. Meanwhile you out here fuckin’ clients like some dumb ass ho. Fuck wrong with you, Mahogany?”
I didn’t say anything. The room went quiet.
We just stared at one another. Him with a heaving chest and a deep frown, me with tears running down my face.
It wasn’t him calling me a dumb ass ho that stung, it was everything else.
Was this my fault? Was it my fault for staying too long?
Should I have left sooner? Before Spark?
Before Honesty? Before Gabe? After that first time he cheated?
Was the current climate of the family my fault for allowing us to grow on bad soil?
“Fuck you, Duke,” I said before snatching my purse off the desk to leave.
After I cut the lights out, I went to walk out of the office, but he grabbed me by the arm before I could. I snatched away.
“I’ma give you what you want,” he said with flaring nostrils. “At first, I wasn’t, but after the shit I just seen... you can have it man. Fuck it.”
I didn't say anything—instead, I walked out, and he followed.
“You know I wouldn’t have done that in front of the kids. Aubry went upstairs for something. Maybe she saw the envelope after I left, Ne,” Sienna said, sitting across from me at her desk.
The ride home from Couture was rough. Duke sat beside me silently crying with a scowl so deep on his face that I drove with my knife in my lap.
When we got to the house, he went straight for the mancave and stayed down there until late in the morning, when I was getting ready to leave.
The morning... God, the morning. It was brutal, too.
Aubry was short with me. Respectful but very short.
She said good morning and answered a couple of questions and that was about it.
She misplaced her keys and didn’t even ask me if I seen them.
I had to tell her where they were without her asking.
It was awkward. All of it. The mornings in the Mills-Morris household hadn’t been the same since we told them about the divorce and I was sure they never would be.
I ran my hand down the back of my neck with a sigh. “I should have waited. I should have had you go when they were at school.”
“Do not beat yourself up over that. What happened, happened. And the kids already know what’s going on anyway so—”
“What’s going on?”
Both Sienna and I looked over towards the door at the sound of my mother's voice. I turned around, rolled my eyes and cursed under my breath. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! I wasn’t ready for the family to find out.
Especially not her. I didn't want to have that talk. One about marriage and how you’re supposed to stand by your husband during tough times.
I didn’t want to listen to her dick ride Duke.
I’d be forced to say it out loud. The truth.
And I didn’t think I was quite ready to do that again. Not without a couple of drinks in me.
“Hello?” My momma said, walking into the office. “The kids know what’s going on. What’s going on? Because I sure as hell don’t know.”
Where in the hell did she even come from?
She wasn’t here when I got here about twenty minutes ago.
I would have never had this conversation while she was here.
My mother was still on my shit list from the last little talk we had.
I was one to hold a grudge. Silently, at least. I wasn’t one to come out and tell a person what they’d done wrong to get the cold shoulder from me.
To me, muthafuckas didn’t need explanations when it came to doing me wrong and the repercussions that came behind that. People knew what they were doing.
“Hey ma,” Sienna said. “When you get here?”
“Just got here. Don’t be changing the subject. Answer the question. What is it that the kids know that I don’t?” She looked between the two of us, waiting for an explanation.
Sienna looked at me with raised brows before reaching for her cup of coffee. I took a deep breath, shifted in my chair, and shook my head.
“It’s nothing, ma. Don’t worry about it.”
“Mm, mm. It's always ‘nothing’ with you. But it’s something. You back to not answering your phone, ain’t seen my grandbabies in weeks... something is going on.”
“What’s going on has nothing to do with that,” I mumbled.
“Enlighten me. Let me know what’s going on so I can be the judge of that because you been acting funny.”
“I’ve been acting funny because... never mind ma. Just know you don't need to worry about—”
“Don’t tell me what I need to worry about, Mahogany. You’re my child and I worry about you. Period. Now... one of y’all gone tell me what the hell is going on. Or am I going to have to call my oldest granddaughter?”
Shit.
With the way Aubry felt towards me, she would tell her what was going on. And I didn't want to put her in a position where she’d have to tell someone her father and I were getting a divorce. That wasn't her responsibility.
Sighing, I shook my head again. “I’m getting a divorce.”
Sienna rubbed her forehead and looked away.
My momma’s jaw dropped. “Run that by me again.”
“Ma, you heard what I said,” I told her, as I fondled with the strap on my purse.
“Divorce?” she asked with disgust dripping from her tongue. “No, the hell you ain’t. Divorce for what? To do what? Be single with four kids? In this economy. Divorce. Tuh. Girl you losing it.”
“Ma—”
“Ain’t nobody talking to you, Sienna. How long you knew?
How long this been going on? And why am I always the last to know something?
I don’t understand. You sitting there quiet, ain’t answered not one of my questions.
What is going on? Why are you getting a divorce?
Have you even thought about giving it to the Lord?
Have you gone to Him at all? Ain’t nothing the good Lord can’t fix! ”
She rambled. It sounded like she was in shock.
Which to me didn’t make any sense because this was my life and I could make my own decisions.
Single with four kids. Yep, that would be me.
In this economy. Hell yeah, I could handle it.
The money I made at Couture was more than enough to sustain a very comfortable living.
She was old school. Thought being divorced with multiple children was shameful.
Thought a two parent, two income household were the only way to survive.
She thought going to God fixed every little thing.
What if this was God’s way of fixing it?
What if this was God’s way of giving me the fulfilling, happy life I’d desired my whole life?
My momma really got on my muthafucking nerves.
While she rambled, pacing, reciting Bible verses, I sat there quiet, my knee bouncing like crazy.
“Matthew nineteen, verse six! What God has joined together, let no man separate—
“God didn’t join us together—Aubry did,” I cut in.
With raised brows, Sienna drew back, stifling a laugh.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me loud and clear, ma. Aubry joined us together. If it weren't for me getting pregnant, Duke and I would have never gotten married. And if it weren’t for you poisoning me with bible verses back in the day, we would have gotten a divorce a long time ago. Would have saved a lot of money, time, tears, and failed effort, that’s for sure. ”
“What are you talking about?” She asked, that sound of disgust heavier than before.
“You just saying stuff now. Stuff that don’t make any sense.
If I wouldn’t have poisoned you with bible verses—girl!
Please! I didn’t poison you with nothing.
I gave you the good gospel—that's it. And it got you over a few hurdles.”
“It didn’t get me over anything. It... you know what? Never mind ma. Like I said, Duke and I are getting a divorce. Why ain’t none of your business.”
“Why is my business! It’s your life but it’s my family and Duke is a good man! A flawed man but he’s a good one! You gon throw it all away for what? Because you mad?”
“Come on now, ma,” Sienna interjected.
I laughed and tilted my head to the side, looking over at Sienna. “You hear this goofy shit? This is exactly why—”
“What?” yelled my momma. “Did you just curse... you know what? I’ll just call my son in law and find out what’s going on. Because clearly his wife don’ lost her mind!”
I jumped up. “Call that nigga! Hopefully he’s man enough to tell you he had a fucking baby on me!”
The room fell silent. She gasped and put her hand over her chest, eyes wide, mouth just the same.
“He did what?” she asked.
With a heaving chest, I shook my head and squinted at her. “All of this... every single thing... it’s your fault. You did this to me. You did this to us. To me... and my fucking family.”
“Huh?” Sienna mumbled, confused.
“I don’t know what you talkin about, but I do know you better sit down and watch your mouth. How did I do anything to you? How is this my fault? I ain’t have a damn baby by him.”
My bottom lip quivered as I thought about everything.
About my life and that invisible clock hanging over my head.
I met Duke when I was fourteen. Had Aubry when I was fifteen.
I was thirty-four. Thirty-four with four kids.
I’d wasted so many years on this shit. Had spent so many years holding on to a marriage that was doomed from the start.
All because of her. My damn momma. I resented her so much because of that.
Before I knew it, I was crying. Sienna got up from her desk to console me. My mother stood there, arms crossed over her chest, shaking her head.
“You see what’s happening? It’s happening already. Don’t nothing but misery come out of divorce. You ain’t gone get what you looking for. I can tell you that now.”
“Did you just hear what she said, ma!? The nigga had a baby on her and you talking about misery after divorce!” Sienna yelled, wrapping her arms around me. I tried to pull away but she held me tighter. “Mm, mm. Stop. I got you, sis. Let it out.”
“I heard her. I don’t believe it. She shouldn’t either. Who is this woman? Why she claiming the baby is his? You know women are spiteful. She want what you got, and you just gone give it right to her. That’s just—
“Bye ma,” Sienna interrupted. “Grab the kids and just leave. Please.”
“I’m just saying. If—
“Fuck you ma!” I yelled. “Fuck you! Would it hurt to be on my side for a change? Would it hurt to listen?! And not give your shitty ass advice!” I yelled, pulling away from Sienna.
“It doesn't matter if the baby is really his or not—I'm leaving! I’m done! It would be nice to have my mother give me comfort, but you know what? Fuck it! I don’t need it. I’ve suffered for years in that marriage without my mother's love—I will get through this divorce without it too!” I looked at Sienna.
“Thank you, Si. Thank you so much. I... I need to get back to work.”
“You can’t go to work like this, Ne,” Sienna said over my mother's fussing.
She couldn’t wrap her mind around the way I spoke to her.
She’d gone from reciting scriptures about marriage to one about honoring your mother and father.
She was livid, talking fast, pointing her finger, going off on me as if I didn’t just tell her I needed her.
I ignored her. Tore my eyes away from her and put them on Sienna.
“I’m cool. I’ll be... I’ll be good,” I said, as I grabbed my purse from the desk.
Sienna wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. “You got me. Okay?” She whispered.
I nodded. “I know.”
That felt good. Having someone other than Chanté to turn to.
I spent so many years battling my heart ache by myself.
I spent so many years hiding behind masks.
.. when all along, I could have gone to my sister.
I was so afraid of being judged. So afraid of not being perfect that I suffered alone, for no reason.