Chapter 28 #3
While I was sitting watching my family dance, Reign walked into my view. She was here. Of course she was here. We hugged at the funeral, probably sharing the same feelings about Nova. Had to be. She held on to me for a minute and I let her.
She sat at the table with me. “Hey.”
I chucked my chin. “What up?”
“You drinking that cheap shit? Oh Lord. Let me get you a plate of food ‘neow’,” she joked.
I shook my head. “I already ate. I’m good.”
It was quiet for a minute, with me just watching the family, nodding to the music and her watching me.
She wanted something. Although Reign and I hadn’t been together for a long time, I still knew her.
Nothing about her changed. Well, she wasn’t the same person I met because losing Nova changed her but there were still things about her that were familiar.
“What up, Reign? What’s wrong?” I asked before taking another sip of my drink.
“Umm,” she hesitated. “I was thinking and—I just wanted to see if you felt like… if you had time to talk. We don’t have to. I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to. I just feel like—”
“We can talk, it’s cool.”
I was drained emotionally. I didn’t have it in me to be rude to her. Moms’ funeral left me exhausted. Plus, I knew today had been heavy on her too, so I played nice.
“Can we go outside?” She asked.
I nodded, finished my drink and stood up.
We maneuvered through the thick crowd, heading for the door.
The little house was packed. We had family from both sides crammed in a little three-bedroom house.
It was crazy but nobody seemed to complain.
Well, there was Luna, but everybody knew her and expected such so they didn’t pay her any mind.
Because the porch was packed with Orion and them shooting dice, I followed her to her car. It was up the street since the block was crowded with cars.
When we got into the car, I rested my head against the headrest and closed my eyes.
She was quiet, watching me. I felt her eyes on me.
Whatever she wanted she needed to hurry up and spill because my patience with her was thin as hell.
While I sat there, though, something in me told me to hear her out.
To be patient and to give her the grace I never gave her before.
I snorted, pinched the bridge of my nose and opened my eyes, looking over at her.
“What’s wrong, Reign?”
“The funeral was something… wasn’t it?” She asked, turning to face me, her back against the car door.
“Yeah. It was something.”
“Did you think about her too?”
I nodded. “I always think about her.”
She rubbed her lips together. “Me too.”
It went quiet again. She got a little antsy and started to fumble with the keychains dangling from her key. Instead of pressing her again, I waited. Turned away, closed my eyes and decided to be patient.
It took a minute or so, but she eventually opened her mouth to talk again.
“Since ma passed away, I’ve been thinking,” she paused. “About what you said when I was there.”
“I was mad,” I reminded her.
“So? You’re you, always. Mad or not, you spoke your truth.”
I didn’t say anything because she didn’t tell a lie. I was me, always. Anger didn’t turn me into a liar, or a bad person. It brought more truth to the front. Truth I never hid. I just kept it pretty. Anger disregarded that.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, the sound of tears heavy in her tone.
I opened my eyes and looked over at her with dipped brows. “What?”
She put her hands between her legs and shrugged. “I said… I’m sorry.”
“For what, Reign?”
“For everything. For…Nova. For…the videos. For the way I showed up. Or the way I didn’t show up. I was—” she paused and shook her head. “Crescent… I might be here with you right now, but I died the day she drowned, okay?”
I looked away and swallowed before clenching down on my jaw. She died the day Nova drowned? I did too.
“I couldn’t be like you. I couldn’t do the things you did. I was… I was fucked up. And I know you were too but,” she took a deep breath. “I was there. I… I pulled her lifeless body out of the water. I tried to give her CPR. Me. I—”
“We don’t have to do this, Reign,” I said, a little choked up. “I don’t want to do this.”
“But we need to do it. When am I going to see you, again, Crescent? Huh? This conversation is well overdue. We should have been had it.” She paused and mumbled, “Maybe if we would have, we would still be together.”
I stroked my beard and stared straight ahead.
We wouldn’t have. I would’ve left Reign regardless.
We didn’t break up because we didn’t talk.
We broke up because of the accident in general and I couldn’t look at her without seeing my baby girl.
Which was why I could barely look at her now.
It was painful. A constant reminder of what I lost. Something I didn't think I would ever recover from.
“That’s neither here nor there, though,” she uncomfortably said. “I just… Crescent I wanted to genuinely apologize for not being able to show up for you.”
I sat there a moment, truly listening to what she said.
She had to pull Nova from the water. She had to perform CPR.
She had to hold our daughter's lifeless body in her arms. I didn’t.
I didn’t experience that. Didn’t know what that was like.
Didn't even want to imagine what that could’ve been like.
Of course, Reign was out of it. Of course, she couldn’t show up for me the way I showed up for her.
Her pain hit different. Her experience, nothing like mine.
I never looked at it like that. I never thought about it.
Was too wrapped up in my own feelings to consider what that had to be like for her.
“Crescent,” she softly said. “Did you hear me? I said.. I apologize—
“Stop apologizing,” I interrupted, turning to face her, with tears of my own rolling down my face.
I didn’t think I had another tear in me, after moms’ funeral. But despite not wanting to put myself in Reign’s shoes, I did just that. Sat there and thought about what her experience had to be like and it tore me up.
She violently cried, her body trembling with every sob. Shaking my head, I reached over and wrapped my arms around her. “I owe you an apology.”
“No, you don’t. It was my fault, Crescent. I looked away for—
“Shhh,” I shushed, holding her tighter, thinking about what she’d said.
She could have kept a better eye on Nova.
That was true. Had she been present, Nova would have never fallen into the pool.
But she did. Everything happened. What happened was meant to happen, regardless of how fucked up it might’ve been.
Life was already written. It was in the cards for me to lose my daughter.
Those were the facts. Just like it was in the cards for me to lose moms. Shit just happened.
There was nothing neither of us could do about it.
After she cried in my arms for what felt like at least ten, fifteen minutes we sat there, reminiscing.
For the first time since Nova died, I actually talked about her with a light heart and shared a few laughs too.
Reconciling, letting go of the hate in my heart for Reign… it felt good. I felt lighter.