Mahogany
Holding my sheer kimono closed, I opened the patio doors and stepped out, the morning sun greeting me as soon as I did. I smiled, closed my eyes, and stood there for a moment, basking in it, while my pedicured toes sank into the white sand.
I was in Turks and Caicos, staying at a luxury beach front villa that came fully staffed.
I was in love. So much in love that a bitch damn near didn’t want to go home next week.
If it weren’t for the kids, I would for sure stay another week.
I was in heaven, really and had been since I touched down two days ago.
I never knew what tranquility felt like.
Not until I came here. Not until I woke up to the sound of birds chirping the ocean waves crashing.
Just the way I’d dreamt of for years. I wanted this as a birthday gift.
Thought about it for a very long time. Would sit on my balcony at home, close my eyes and imagine I was on a white sand beach.
And while it wasn’t my birthday—that passed a couple of months ago—I’d made it. I’d finally fucking made it.
The morning breeze swept across my smiling face as I continued my stride on the beach, heading for the little sitting area not too far away.
Today, much like yesterday, I was having breakfast alone, on the beach.
The servers had set everything up about ten minutes ago and it was time to dig in.
I could have had an entire spread, but I opted for a lighter option.
Just a bagel with smoked salmon and an array of mixed fruit, along with my usual morning tea.
I sat down at the small table, and took a deep breath, taking in the smells around me.
God I felt good. Every day I woke up since being here, I was in disbelief.
I couldn’t believe I was here. I couldn't believe I didn’t have to wake up to the sound of the kids' TV, or one of their phones replaying videos they’d fallen asleep to.
And I didn’t have to get anyone ready. Didn’t have to fuss with them about getting dressed or arguing either.
Don’t get me wrong—I loved my baby’s, but this break was very much needed.
Digging into the bowl of fruit, I popped a piece of kiwi in my mouth before going for my tea.
It was hibiscus and had pieces of fruit floating in it.
I put the mug up to my lips and moaned when the flavor hit my tastebuds.
Everything here had been magnificent. I hadn’t had a meal or drink I didn't like. And the service I’d received while here had been top of the line. God, I really didn’t want to go home.
The only thing I was really looking forward to there was my babies.
Couture was a bright spot too, but my workload had significantly picked up.
My contract with Skylight Industries was over but I’d brought in a lot of new clients because of it.
I came highly recommended by the CEO, so I had so many people connected with that company beating on my door.
Every time I looked up, I was getting a call or an email from someone who wanted to schedule a meeting to discuss partnering up.
I was grateful as hell, but very, very overworked.
I’d gone from having the option to work from home to having to be in the office, things were so out of hand.
On top of that, I’d hired three more designers.
They were great. Not Mahogany Mills great, but great enough.
“Miss?”
I looked over my shoulder at one of the staff members with a smile. “Yes?”
“The items you requested are here, where you asked me to leave them.”
“Thank you.”
He bowed. “You’re welcome. Enjoy your morning.”
With a deep breath, I turned my attention to the ocean and stared off into the distance, my mind drifting a bit. Turning away, I dug into the bowl of fruit and looked towards the villa, wondering if I should go back inside now or finish my food first.
I turned back around and picked my bagel up, deciding I’d finish my food first. Inside could wait. I wanted to enjoy the sun and the start of my good day a bit longer.
As I sat there, I thought about the session I had with Chanté the day before I left.
She really put things into perspective. I had grown a lot.
A ton, really. So much that in the midst of all of my growth I didn’t even realize I was growing.
Morphing into the woman I was today was a little seamless.
In the midst of it, it didn’t feel that way though.
But that’s what happened. Slowly, but surely I grew into the version of myself I always wanted to be.
Sitting down, reflecting with her made me realize how much different I was and how strong I had been through it all.
While I was in it, I didn’t see it as being strong.
While I was in it, I couldn’t see this. This version of myself.
I thought she was so far out of reach. I thought I’d never reach a point in my life where I was genuinely happy and could say that I knew me.
The thing about knowing myself was that I had known her all along.
She was just buried underneath pain, resentment, and layers and layers of masks.
Masks I no longer wore. The minute I stopped wearing them and honored who I was and what I wanted, I got to know her.
Mahogany Mills. For years she was screaming out to me, begging to come to the surface and for years I ignored her because I was bond by fear and stagnation.
It felt so good not to be that anymore. It felt so good to just be me.
Authentically. Being free of worry and fear really changed my life.
The minute I decided I couldn’t go on with Duke anymore and stuck to it, regardless of the uncertainty and fear surrounding that change, was the minute I started to come out of my cocoon.
Masks began to drop and I started to bloom.
I don’t know how long I was sitting out there before I decided to go back inside.
Felt like an hour. Could have been longer.
My cup of tea sat on the table, barely touched, and cold.
I sat there for only God knows how long, staring at the waves as they crashed, with my mind running a little rampant, cycling through thoughts I had no business cycling through.
With a deep breath, I looked down into the mug, twirling the teaspoon around it before I picked it up and finished it with a frown. Cold as hell. Pushing up from the chair, I didn’t immediately head back for the house. I headed for the shoreline, my feet sinking deeper into the sand.
With closed eyes, I stood there, basking in the feel of sand between my toes and the wind in my hair.
Despite my racing mind, I softly smiled.
This was paradise, for real. Looking over my shoulders, I thought about rushing inside to grab my camera to take another picture of the view.
I had already taken what felt like close to twenty.
I was using a polaroid camera to fill this scrapbook I bought a couple of weeks ago. Another picture wouldn’t hurt.
Pivoting, I headed back inside. When I slid the doors opened, I gasped at the sight of Crescent standing in the kitchen area, surrounded by balloons and flowers.
“Good morning, gorgeous,” he said, wearing a smile.
“Oh my God,” I shrieked. “What time is it? Why didn’t you tell me you landed? I was supposed to come down to the airport to greet you and—”
He laughed. “It’s cool.” Stepping towards me, he approached with opened arms. “I told you I didn’t want you to meet me for a reason.”
With tears in my eyes, I took in the plethora of red, white and pink roses, scattered all around the kitchen. How did they do this so quick?
Crescent had been a literal dream. We were still taking things pretty slow. Probably a little too slow. As I scanned the room, I thought, maybe I should put an end to that.
“What if I would have walked in earlier?” I asked, wearing a smirk.
“Still would’ve been a surprised. Just wouldn’t have had it set up like this,” he said with a laugh, as he wrapped his arms around me.
I closed my eyes and fell into his arms, those tingles radiating down my spine.
They were always there. Nothing had changed about that.
Those tingles and how much of a dream he’d been was more than enough reason to put a title on what we had, wasn’t it?
I mean, I wanted to. I thought about it every day.
But in the midst of all of this growth was still a little bit of fear.
Well.
I wouldn’t necessarily call it fear. I was just careful these days.
I was in no rush to put me on the line again.
I lost a lot in that relationship with Duke.
I was still trying to regain pieces of myself.
I doubted if anybody in my position, coming from where I came from would have been in a rush to commit again.
Although I was pretty committed anyway, without that title.
Crescent was the only man in my life. The only man I needed, for real.
I had absolutely no interest in being with anybody else.
Why would I want to? He wouldn’t give me tingles.
He wouldn’t treat me like a literal queen.
He wouldn’t give me this. Butterflies on top of those tingles.
I wouldn’t experience this with anybody else.
I was sure of it. I didn’t even get this from Duke.
“I missed you,” I said against his chest.
I did.
It was set up this way on purpose, with me coming down here first. A couple of days ago, I told Crescent I wanted to wake up on a white sand beach, in solitude.
I expressed to him how it had been one of my dreams for a long time.
The next day, he surprised me with a trip.
At first he was just sending me down here for a week alone, but I shut that down immediately!
I told him I needed him here but because he wanted me to have a little alone time, he told me he’d come on day three.