The make-up artist
Everyone talks to him. It comes with the job, with the hours spent in this sweltering trailer.
Those in the make-up chair can’t help but spill their guts.
Bright and early every morning, in front of a mirror edged with bare bulbs, on a film set somewhere in the French countryside, he hears the whole story.
Clemence Thiffault (The villager): I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.
The house is so big. So old. Lots of cracks and leaks.
I thought I was in paradise when I saw all the trailers in the orchard.
But now they’re saying it’s going to be the hottest month ever in France.
The hottest month ever. And we’re stuck here without air conditioning.
Is it any wonder that everyone’s on edge?
Adèle Durand (The housekeeper): Seb and Clara sleep in separate beds, I’m sure of it.
I see her having breakfast on her balcony, going through the shot lists, and Seb is never there.
You know that Jacob is Clara’s ex? And that Seb’s dog died, like, last week?
She uses his sadness on camera. That scene where he tries on his dad’s old suit? Devastating.
Eric Matheson (The father): I give it a week.
Maybe two. You can’t just cast the guy you’re knocking boots with and expect everything to be sunshine and roses.
I used to be the one knocking the boots, if you catch my drift.
I was a leading man, and now I get cast as the leading man’s father.
I’m not even alive in this film. You’re either making me look younger for flashbacks or making me look dead when I’m a ghost. Do you keep any booze in here? What’s that blue bottle?
Adèle Durand: She knows how to direct people. My lord, Jacob, the bit on the balcony railings. I wanted to rush over and hold him. Sure, Seb is handsome, but he’s handsome in an obvious way. Jacob has an unconventional face. All angles. He looks like a Victorian poet.
Clemence Thiffault: He looks like a rat.
Adèle Durand: What does Eric say? Knocking boots. I would like to knock boots with Jacob Steele. But he only has eyes for Clara. Seb kissed her on set, yesterday, and it was like he was marking his territory. Jacob knew what he was doing. Clara’s eyes were on the monitor.
Eric Matheson: No, I’m not going to drink the fucking barbicide.
What do you take me for? Anyway, I’m team Steele.
I loved him in Jester’s Privilege. The press said it gave all the wrong men all the wrong ideas, but everyone else in his generation is afraid to ask those thorny questions about masculinity.
Look at me, working with a female director.
Hand me the bottle, would you? Isopropyl alcohol.
Seventy proof. You and I could have a good night on this.
Monsieur Steele would be game, I think. He likes to go off-script.
He’s a method man. Old Man Bonami is more traditional.
Dustin Fitzgerald: Did you hear about the night shoot?
The hours dragging on and on, Jacob making them go again and again.
He likes to improvise. Those are the lines, Seb said to Jacob.
Do different lines, then, Jacob said to Seb.
It wouldn’t hurt, to think outside the box.
Seb said there was only one person he’d take direction from. And everyone turned to Clara…
Eric Matheson: Madame Director looked more like a ghost than yours truly. And what does she decide to say, when she finally finds her voice? Ha! You’ll love this one.
Dustin Fitzgerald: ‘He’s right.’
Clemence Thiffault: She meant that Seb was right, about the film being Clara’s. He was sticking up for her, and she knew it. Jacob’s face was furious, though he tried his best to hide it.
Adèle Durand: She meant that Jacob was right, about thinking outside the box.
Seb looked like he could have punched a hole in one of those little windows.
But we’re all making the same film, aren’t we?
And when Clara’s stressed, it isn’t Seb who goes to her, who tells her the rushes are looking great.
Dustin Fitzgerald: Jacob suggested that the third act wasn’t working.
That they needed to workshop it. He had some ideas, as always, and Clara, who keeps changing the schedule, who’s getting as partial to a drink as old Eric, said she was open to them.
I bet she is, Thom said. And I kind of get what he means, because like, yeah, they can discuss those ideas over dinner.
But surely there’s someone else they should invite?
Thom Partridge (Soldier #2): Seb’s a cuck, mate.
A total no-guy. But even I felt sorry for him.
A whole spread in a French tabloid, with pictures of his girlfriend and Jacob out for dinner, drinking wine and laughing together.
Everyone was reading it when Seb came into catering.
Fuck me, it was awkward. He asked Clemence to translate the headline.
Jacob Steele’s latest squeeze. Seb left the set straight away.
One of the runners had to go looking for him.
If I had a role like his, I wouldn’t be fucking around, keeping the crew waiting.
If I had a girlfriend who looked like Clara Cowan, a girlfriend who was a famous film director, I’d fight for her.
Clemence Thiffault: There’s no fight left in him.
Isn’t it obvious? He’s depressed. He has been since he got here, always moping around with those ancient headphones around his neck.
Jacob sees it, of course. He’s like a hyena, circling Clara.
He and Seb might as well be snarling at each other.
We’re a week out from the end of filming, and people are starting to worry that we won’t even make it.
Did Matty tell you what happened yesterday? It’s like Apocalypse Now.
Matthieu Maurois (The thief): OK, I will tell you.
We are shooting this scene, the thief in the house, yes?
The big brother realises that the thief is in – how you say?
– cahoots, yes, cahoots with his little brother.
Family jewels, drug money, this kind of thing.
It is awkward, this dialogue, because everyone has seen the newspaper, everyone know what is going on.
‘You couldn’t keep your grubby fingers off, could you?
’ Mon dieu. So, we finish, and Seb has the angry look, and he goes to talk to Clara about something, and then Jacob gets in the middle of it.
He says, to Seb: ‘Give us a minute, mate.’
Dustin Fitzgerald: No one could believe their ears. Pin-drop stuff.
Clemence Thiffault: Seb isn’t usually confrontational.
But this time, he snaps. He tells Jacob that he and his girlfriend – he says this, ‘my girlfriend’ – are talking.
And you’re not my mate. Jacob laughs, repeats this in Seb’s voice.
You’re not my mate. And what does Seb do?
He grabs Jacob. Just grabs him by the collar, right in front of everyone.
Clara’s mortified, obviously. She tells Seb to stop, and immediately, he does.
You can see that Jacob is embarrassed, emasculated.
He storms off, saying he can’t work with this fucking psychopath.
And Clara walks away, too, because everyone’s looking at her.
Eric Matheson: She loves it. Two strapping boys battling over her.
Clemence Thiffault: She hates it. Being the subject of all this gossip.
Everyone saying she’s not in control. After it had happened, after Jacob and Clara had stormed off in their separate directions, Seb was just left standing in the middle of it all.
Dumbstruck. And we’re all there thinking the same thing.
Eric Matheson: We’re headed for a fucking iceberg, and no one knows who’s steering the ship.
Dustin Fitzgerald: So there I am, rehearsing my lines in the rose garden.
And who should turn up but Clara, with Seb chasing after her?
I had to duck behind a bush. Clara was saying that Seb shouldn’t have done it, that he’s turning her film into a sideshow.
You’ve made me look small, she said. You’ve made me look weak.
And Seb said that all she ever cares about is how she looks, and not how things actually are.
Clara didn’t like that. She told him he’d never get it, because even though it’s him in front of the camera, she’s the one who gets her life picked apart.
I never should have cast you, she said. I never should have come, he said. They haven’t spoken since.
Thom Partridge: Genuinely. She’s directing him through one of the ADs now.
Adèle Durand: It used to annoy Clara, that Jacob wanted to watch all the playbacks. Now she leaves a spare seat next to hers in the director’s tent.
Thom Partridge: And Seb just smokes at the end of the garden.
Matthieu Maurois: Does this sound like a happy couple to you?
Eric Matheson: The party was Clara’s idea, as if we needed further proof that one of her screws has come loose. A wrap party, not on the last night of filming, but the night before. I’m all for it, truth be told. A little debauchery might lighten the mood.
Clemence Thiffault: The last scene tomorrow is the big one, after the brothers have got drunk and trashed the chateau. So, tonight, we’ll all get drunk and leave a mess for them. It saves the set-dressers a job. And it means that Jacob and Seb don’t have to act their hangovers.
Dustin Fitzgerald: Sure, there’s method in the madness. But it is madness.
Adèle Durand: Jacob will be there, right?
Clemence Thiffault: It’s all going to end in tears.
Eric Matheson: I can’t wait.