Chapter 6 William #3
“Thanks for saying that. It’s been a little over a year.
The holidays are hard.” She looked down and sighed.
“I didn’t tell my aunt I came home when my dad’s flight was cancelled.
Aunt Rita would have left her trip with her new boyfriend to spend the holidays with me, and I didn’t want her to do that.
” She raised her gaze and asked, “But what about you? You didn’t want to see your family during the holidays? ”
“Oh, my mom is in the Philippines visiting her family for a few months. She goes every year.” I scooted forward and reached for some crackers and cheese.
“What about your dad? Where’s he during the holidays?” she asked.
Without looking at Kit, I said, “My dad died when I was ten. Car accident. My American family, my dad’s family, wasn't so accepting of my mom. She was just so different from who they thought my dad would end up with, and when my dad was gone, it was hard for us to stay connected to them. So, it’s just been me and my mom since then. ”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kit said softly. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I knew the kind of grief she was feeling.
I cleared my throat. “I’m glad I can do things for my mom like send her to the Philippines for an extended vacation though. She worked so hard when it was just the two of us, so now I try to provide everything she needs so she doesn’t have to work anymore.”
“You mentioned that you moved back to Creekstone when your mom got sick. Where were you before that?” I asked.
“Oh, I was living in D.C.,” Kit said between bites of pizza.
“With your dad?” I felt curious about Kit and wanted to know more.
“Actually,” She tilted her head and paused. “With my ex-boyfriend, Matt. I was completing a fellowship, and he was there getting ready for med school.”
“What happened to Matt?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
“Eh,” Kit sighed. “Nothing. Matt was fine. I just wanted to move home, and he was moving to Los Angeles. We tried the whole long-distance thing, but honestly, I just didn’t feel like it was fair to Matt, so I broke it off with him.”
“What was unfair about it?” I asked, then added. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know long distance is hard, but what was unfair? Seems like there’s more to it than the simple long-distance excuse.”
Kit looked down at her wine glass in her hand. She licked her lips and bit the inside corner of her cheek like she was thinking.
“Was the sex awful?” I smirked. “Is that why you’re so good at the solo act?”
She laughed and threw a small Christmas gift-shaped pillow at me. “The sex was fine. I mean, it wasn’t the mind-blowing thing people talk about in the movies and in romance novels, but it was nice and sweet, and you know, exciting enough.” Kit looked at me for confirmation.
I shrugged. I honestly couldn’t imagine having just regular vanilla, routine sex with Kit, but I didn’t want to make her feel weird. “Sure, I think I get it. Long-term things get routine.”
Kit turned her head and looked at the ceiling as if she were contemplating that.
“Yeah, routine. That is a good way to describe it. When Matt and I started dating, it was an easy decision. Our best friends were dating, so we just kind of made sense. Matt is this super smart, handsome doctor, and he wanted me to be his girlfriend. His parents seemed to be okay with him dating someone like me. Our best friends loved us together. I think I was caught up in being part of this big picture that worked for everyone.” Kit chuckled at herself, then leaned forward to pick up another cracker from the board.
“My dad says I’m a recovering people pleaser. ”
“What do you mean, someone like you?” I asked.
“Huh?” Kit asked as she popped the cracker into her mouth.
“You said, his parents were okay with him being with someone like you. What does that mean?” I asked.
Kit covered her mouth as she finished chewing her cracker and said, “Oh, Matt’s family is just so rich.
They’re old money. When we were in college, I’d visit Matt during the summer in Charlston.
I’d show up to their coastal mansion in my thrift store dresses and in my beat-up car.
His mom and dad were so nice, but sometimes his mom would give Matt and me new outfits, and then Matt would insist we’d have to wear them out to dinner with them at their country club.
I know it’s just because they were embarrassed by my clothes,” Kit shrugged.
“But they really did try, and Matt’s parents were not the reason I broke up with him. ”
I was having a hard time not being insulted on Kit’s behalf.
I think it triggered me because I knew so many people like Matt’s family.
I worked with them all the time. From what I could see, Kit was near perfect.
She was smart, albeit a little stubborn.
She was funny, interesting, beautiful, and sincere.
Surely, they all could see that was worth so much more than expensive clothes.
I asked, “Then, what was the reason you guys broke up if it wasn’t his family? ”
Kit’s lips pushed down into a thoughtful frown.
“When I moved home to be with my mom, Matt was in Los Angeles for med school. The time apart did us in. I was just here taking care of my mom, constantly thinking about how short life is. I realized I needed to start doing what I actually wanted and not what made other people happy. And I couldn’t say for certain that Matt made me happy.
I let the long-distance thing be the reason, but if I was being honest, I just couldn’t picture myself with him.
” Kit looked down at her socks and picked some lint off them.
After a moment she said, “Everyone is just kind of waiting for me to get back with Matt, I think. Aunt Rita thinks that grief clouded my decision and my best friend, Veronica, thinks I just need to relax and let fun happen to me. I think she assumes I’ll find my way back to Matt, so I don’t know.
Sometimes I doubt myself and I think, maybe what I had with Matt was being in love.
Maybe I just put too much stock into the notion that love was supposed to knock you off your feet, not just work well logistically for everyone.
You know? Maybe my hopes are too high about falling in love?
Maybe I should just relax and let it happen. ” Kit sighed and shrugged.
I didn’t know who this Matt guy was, but I knew he was lucky if a woman like Kit was going to be his foregone conclusion.
I took a sip of my drink and watched her face.
I liked that Kit was confiding in me. For the first time, I was seeing a side of Kit I really liked.
She was being open, honest, kind of playful and funny, so I didn’t say anything to rock the boat.
“Sounds like you have a lot of people that care about you giving you the best advice they have.”
“I have heard every kind of advice. The good. The bad. The ugly.” Kit let a light-hearted laugh go. She looked up at me and asked, “What about you? You’re serious about not being serious with anyone?”
I shrugged. “The New York dating scene is wild. It’s like I only attract stage-five-clingers, women who seem to feed on drama, or women who have dollar signs in their eyes.” I quickly added, “I’m not saying all women are one of those things. This has just been how it’s been for me so far.”
“You sound as jaded as me, but for a totally different reason,” Kit said. “But that’s focusing on the women. What about you? What do you want?”
I raised my eyebrows. It would have been so easy to deflect and crack a joke, but instead I sighed and looked at her. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing.”
“What is?” she asked.
Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was her endearingly messy hair and mismatched socks coupled with the honesty in her eyes, but I said the most truthful thing I had ever said to anyone. “I’m scared to be in a real relationship.”
Kit’s head jerked up and she looked surprised. I immediately regretted being so honest.
“At least, that’s what I’ve paid hundreds of dollars an hour to hear my therapist tell me over and over again.” I laughed to lighten the mood.
Kit sat up a little and took a sip of wine. “What makes your therapist say that?”
“Well, I like to think it’s because I haven’t met the one, but according to my therapist and many angry ex-girlfriends, I have a pattern.” I shrugged and took a swig of my drink.
“Which is?” Kit leaned forward, her eyes wide with curiosity. “Come on! Don’t make me pull this out of you!”
“Well, I tell women up front that I’m not emotionally available.
Like a disclaimer. I’m totally transparent.
I tell them that I have issues from grief and that I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I can lose someone again.
And even though I tell them that, they still want to date me.
Selfishly, I enjoy spending time with them.
You know, it’s nice to have someone to hang out with.
But when they get attached, I remind them that I am not attached, a real commitment isn’t what I want, and that I’m not going to be able to meet their expectations in the long run.
I’m just having a good time. I’m Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right.
And apparently that makes me a huge asshole. ”
“Agreed. You’re an asshole,” Kit said without missing a beat, but she looked amused and not disgusted. which was somewhat of a relief. She narrows her eyes and points her wine glass at me. “But you must want to change if you’re talking about it with a therapist?”