Chapter 7 Bitter Pills #2
"I know," I say, still catching my breath. "I know; I'm sorry. I didn't think you were here. They told me I had to get all the laundry, and umm…your new fish tank looks nice…" I regret it the moment the words leave my mouth. "What kind of fish are you going to get?"
Fuck. Just ask him where the basket is and get out of here before he eats your damn head.
Even in the dark, I can tell he isn't amused.
"It'll be a while before the environment is established enough to add fish," he says. "Last time, it took me almost two months."
"I'm sorry, Nolan."
"I thought you didn't do it."
"I didn't," I tell him. "But…I was here, and it was hard to watch. I can't get it out of my head; I can't stop thinking about any of it."
"I know what you mean."
"Anyway, if you can just point me to the laundry basket—"
"You don't need to do my laundry, Saige," he says. "You don't need to be afraid of me, either. I won't hurt you."
"I'm not afraid of you…"
"And I didn't eat a bird's head. I'm not sure where that one came from, but that isn't the first time I've heard it."
"Oh…okay…" My cheeks burn with embarrassment. I can't believe Dax told him I said that.
I'm also not sure whether I believe him or not.
"Are you? Okay?"
I laugh a little. "No…not really. I don't think I'll ever be okay again. It's not that I could ever tell a therapist that I…"
Killed someone. I'm a murderer.
"No, you won't, but I know how you feel and…staying busy helps. The busier you are, the more you'll be able to keep your mind from wandering. Find something to distract you."
I wonder what Nolan needs to distract himself from. Maybe that's why he dresses the way he does—constantly overheating would definitely be distracting…at least in the summer months.
"That's hard to do when someone is leaving dead animals in my bed."
"Yeah, but that won't happen here."
"I'm going to go—are you sure you don't want me to take your laundry?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay. Sorry again for just barging in. I'll knock next time."
He ignores me, taking a seat at his desk, and I back out of the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind me. I grab Dax's clothes next, then Elias's, and drag them downstairs to the laundry room.
Dax's stuff isn't so bad, but…
Everything…and I mean everything…in Elias's bin is covered in cum.
Disgusted, I grit my teeth as I toss it all into the washing machine. I shouldn't be surprised that when I step out of the room, he's staring right at me.
"Encounter any problems in there?" His eyes drop from my face to my tits. It's overt; he wants to remind me that he's seen me half-naked on his bedroom floor, and there is nothing I can do about it.
And he knows exactly what was in that fucking laundry bin.
"Nope," I tell him, refusing to let him get a rise out of me. "I know how to use a washing machine."
"Good," he says. "You can add this to your regular to-do list, along with making breakfast."
"What?" I deadpan.
"I told you we were a team, Ripley," Dax chimes in. "Remember?"
Yeah, I remember. And I'm the weak link. "This isn't a team."
"This is a really good way for you to contribute to your team," he adds, ignoring me.
I turn away, making a face when I know they can't see me. I need to bleach my fucking hands.
Before I leave the room, Nolan comes downstairs, looking through me with lifeless dark eyes as he passes. Dax grabs him by the waistband of his sweats and pulls him down on the couch next to him, resting his hand on his thigh.
Elias seems completely unfazed, so their relationship must not be a secret—not from him, anyway.
"I ordered Thai food, Saige," Dax says. "You like Thai, don't you, baby?"
I fucking love Thai food, but I'm not going to tell him that. Because you know what I really love? Not touching my stepbrother's cum-calcified t-shirts.
I'm going to order rubber gloves.
"I guess."
"Good."
I hold my breath as I cross through the living room and then to that small bedroom around the side of the staircase, afraid that I won't make it before they demand something else from me.
"Hey, wait," Dax calls after me.
I freeze.
"What?" I ask without turning around.
"Do you want to watch a movie with us?"
"I want to take a shower," I tell him, hoping he can't hear the desperation in my voice.
"You want some company?"
I swallow hard. "Not particularly."
"Let me know if you change your mind."
Exhaling slowly, I round the corner into the bedroom to grab my things, preparing to dart through the bathroom next door.
"You should at least have her get tested before you start fucking her," Elias says loudly.
I don't hear how Dax responds before closing and locking the bathroom door behind me. I turn on the shower, strip down quickly, and once I'm under the water, I sink to the bottom of the tub and let myself cry.
But I bite down on a wet washcloth. I don't want Elias to hear it; I know how much he'd like it.
Shortly after my shower, food arrived. Dax insisted I eat with the three of them, and then that I watch the rest of the horror movie they'd started.
I sat beside him on the sofa with his arm heavy across my shoulders and Elias's even heavier eyes boring holes through me, only getting up to fold their laundry.
My nerves are on edge as it is; I don't want to look at Elias, so I keep my focus on the television, but the movie they picked is about a woman who's stalked by a man, her family killed before she's finally kidnapped and tortured.
I wonder if he did it on purpose.
When it gets to be too much, and I have to look away, my eyes fall on the sliding glass door in the back of the room, unlocked and the blinds pushed aside, just like it was that night.
I stare out into the darkness and wonder if someone is out there watching me now—if they saw him fall from the balcony or lying lifeless in the backyard.
I can't even think his name now. It makes him too real, too human.
I remember how heavy he was that night; my muscles still ache from dragging his corpse across the rough terrain.
I remember he was still warm, and that I wished rigor mortis had set in because his limp limbs made him so difficult to maneuver through the woods.
Normal people don't know how that feels, and now that I do, I don't feel normal anymore.
I remember being angry at him because his belt kept catching on rocks and tree roots. I feel guilty for that, too.
Tears sting my eyes, and I squeeze them shut. I wonder how long it'll be before I'm able to sit in silence without thinking of him. I wonder why he hated Elias so much, and why they're all so sure Miles is the bad guy.
Maybe they were friends.
As the credits roll, Nolan moves somewhere in my periphery, startling my attention back from the ominous backyard. I breathe an audible sigh of relief when he locks the door and pulls the blinds closed.
"Arcadia, let's go," Elias calls, patting his leg. She gets up from the floor, stretching before following him toward the staircase.
"Elias?"
He pauses, turning to face me, his eyebrow raised. "What do you want?"
"Can I have the dog? Please?"
"No."
He turns, heading up the stairs with the dog at his heels. My shoulders slump, and I drop my head into my hands before raking them through my hair.
"Damn," Dax says. "You're really scared, aren't you, Ripley?"
I look up at him and nod. I don't really see the point in lying about it.
"I told you nothing is going to happen to you here," Nolan says.
"Everything happened to me here," I tell him. "What's stopping the person who broke into my car and my bedroom from busting through that glass door?"
"The three of us."
"That doesn't necessarily make me feel better. I don't find the presence of three men who relentlessly bullied me for years particularly comforting."
"Well, why don't you go find all of those other people who care about you so much and ask them to keep you safe then, Saige?" Dax asks. "Oh, wait…"
He has a point. I don't have any friends—not any who care about me enough to do something like that, no one I truly trust. A wave of hopelessness washes over me.
But that's their fault, too, isn't it? They made sure of it.
I blink back tears; I'm too tired for this shit. Sighing, I get up from the couch. "I'm going to bed."
"Wait a second, wait a second," Dax says, stopping me with a hand on my shoulder.
Sighing, I turn around. "What? What, Dax?"
"I'm sorry. Open your mouth."
I shake my head. "I don't want to."
"Relax," he says, coaxing my mouth open with his thumb. "I'm trying to help you, sweetheart."
I give in, opening just a little, and with his other hand, he sets something small and bitter at the center of my tongue.
"It'll help you relax."
To his left, Nolan extends a hand, offering me his beer. I take a swig from the bottle, washing down the bitter pill before handing it back.
"We'll get a security system if it'll make you feel better," Dax says. "I can have someone come and install it tomorrow, okay?"
I nod, but it doesn't really make me feel better. If he's having a security system installed for me, that means he thinks I'm going to be here for a while.
I want to go back to my dorm room. I don't want this to be my home.
This was supposed to be a blank slate for me. They weren't supposed to be part of any of it.
"Good night, Saige," he says. "Text me if you need anything."
The two of them head upstairs, and I return to the spare bedroom, closing the door behind me. But as this isn't meant to be used as a bedroom, there's no lock.
Maybe I'll ask Dax to get me a lock, too.
But the thought only adds to my hopelessness—to my fear of the potential permanence of my situation.
I turn off the lights and crawl under the covers, my back to the window and eyes on the unlocked door. I watch it until the pill Dax gave me kicks in, calming my nervous system before pulling me under.