Chapter 17 #2
"We can't talk anymore, Elias. I'll clean and cook; I'll do your homework, your disgusting laundry, and whatever else, but I draw the line at any unnecessary interactions with you.
I don't mind being Dax's toy, but I'm not even human to you.
I'd rather take my chances with the guy who gutted the squirrel. "
He laughs, shaking his head as if it's a joke. "I'm fucking with you. When did you get so fucking sensitive? I'm hungry, too. What are you getting for lunch? I'm sure you have some extra money on that meal card since you've been eating at our house so much."
"Elias!"
He throws his hands up. "What?"
I press my fingers to my temples in frustration. "I don't know why I bother; you don't care. You didn't hear a word I just said."
"I heard all of it—I just want you to stop being so dramatic."
"I'll stop eating food at the house. I'll even buy you lunch, if that's what you want, but you cannot sit with me. You need to leave me alone."
"Wow, you really do love Dax, don't you? Don't let him find out; that's a big turnoff for him."
I blink slowly, exhaling my rage. "I just like sleeping with him.
I like sleeping with both of them—has that never occurred to you as a possibility?
I'm fully aware of where I stand with Dax, and I'm sure that's more than the girls you bring home can say about you.
You think you're better because you're not nice to them afterward, and you call it honesty?
That's honestly hilarious. I'm sure you were super up front with Miles's poor fiancé, too.
I bet she thought you were going to save her, and look what happened instead. "
His jaw tightens, and I jump back as he takes a step forward, watching him ball his fists at his side. "Shut…your fucking…mouth."
"Or you'll make me, right?" I shake my head. "See? This is what I mean. We can't talk anymore, Elias. Not unless we have to, or it's going to end very badly. For both of us."
I turn, leaving him there in the quad. I don't look back until I'm in the food court, relieved that he doesn't try to follow.
But he succeeded again; he ruined my mood. And when I go to the washroom after lunch, I look at my reflection in the mirror, and I wonder why I bothered with all the makeup, too.
I'm going to need to find a liquor store.
The rest of the day passes uneventfully. I attend my last class and then spend the afternoon in the library, grabbing dinner and then heading back to the house just before seven, when Dax and Elias should both be at the gym.
"Hey," Nolan says when I step inside. "I made pasta if you want some."
"No thanks. I already ate, and Elias doesn't want me to eat his food anymore, anyway."
Nolan laughs, but I don't think it's funny. "Elias said that? He doesn't even buy the groceries."
"Yeah, well, I don't want to give him any excuse to pay attention to me.
I just want him to leave me alone," I tell him, continuing to my room and closing the door.
I pull the bottle of whiskey I bought earlier from my bag, unscrewing the cap and taking a long, hard pull before taking off my clothes.
And I don't even like whiskey. I bought it because Nolan likes it.
The door opens a few moments later, when I'm half-naked and trying to change into my pajamas. "Sorry," Nolan says. "Do you want me to leave?"
"It's fine," I say, ripping my t-shirt down over my head.
"What'd he say to you?"
"Nothing I didn't already know. I'm going to go…wash my fucking face."
This door has a lock, and I use it this time.
"Saige? Are you okay?" Nolan asks through the door.
"I'm fine," I say before splashing water on my face. Once I've scrubbed my skin clean of makeup, I leave, silently passing him without making eye contact. Then I go to my room, turn off the light, and lie down on the bed.
"Do you want to watch a movie with me?" Nolan asks from the doorway.
"Not really."
He steps inside, cautiously approaching the opposite side of the bed before lying down, his head propped against his elbow.
"You aren't going to bed this early, are you?"
"I feel like I'm losing my mind."
"Well, that's understandable. You went through a massive trauma, Saige."
"Yeah, but I don't feel like myself anymore—that's not necessarily a bad thing, but this doesn't feel good, either."
I think I felt like a past version of myself this morning. And I can't be her…because all she does is get hurt.
He moves closer, until I can feel his breath against my skin, and presses his forehead to mine. I close my eyes and lean into it, suddenly aware of my hands and crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"I wasn't always like this," I tell him.
"It's okay," he says. "I wasn't always like this, either. But I don't think there's anything wrong with you."
The garage door opens and closes, and I hear Elias and Dax's muffled voices in the living room.
"Why are they back already?"
"They left early."
"Saige? Nolan? Are you guys here?" Dax calls.
"Hide!"
"What?"
But he gets under the blankets with me, letting me pull it over both of our heads just before Dax cracks the door open.
"Saige?"
When he closes it, we both laugh silently.
"Maybe they left," Dax says.
"No, Saige's phone is here. They must be upstairs," Elias replies.
That fucking asshole—that's what he was doing with my phone the other day. I'm turning that shit off immediately.
Nolan's hand covers one of my own, pulling it away from my body and lacing our fingers together.
It catches me off guard…really off guard. I wonder if he hates it—if maybe his skin is crawling, but my own emotions were overwhelming him, and he felt like he had to do something.
"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," I whisper.
"I'm not uncomfortable," he whispers back, that low, gravelly tone of his even more palpable at this decibel. "Are you?"
I shake my head. "I haven't been taking care of myself. I've just been really unhappy…and hurt. I drink too much. I'm angry all the time; before I moved to Aurora Cove, I never felt like that. I was different."
Elias did that to me.
"Different how?"
"I don't know. I was lighter. I used to wake up happy and write poetry, which seems really fucking stupid now. But I've been on the defensive for two years now, and I never stopped long enough to realize how exhausting it is."
"Maybe that was taking care of yourself at the time."
"I just don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm so fucking tired of it."
I hear footsteps in the hallway upstairs and then on the staircase. They're going to find us, eventually.
Fortunately, it sounds like the next place he looks is in the backyard.
"Do you love Dax?" I ask.
"Umm…yeah."
"Does he love you?"
Nolan sighs, thinking it over. "I think…maybe Dax's brain works a little differently than mine. But I know he cares; that doesn't make him a bad person."
"How does his brain work?"
"Like…he's always chasing a high. A dopamine hit. I think he has a hard time understanding value…and consequences."
Great. So, the person who knows him best, who loves him, doesn't think he's capable of loving someone else, either.
"How does yours work?"
"Violently."
This time when the door opens, it's not just a crack. Dax swings the door wide enough that I can see the light from the hallway coming through the comforter over my head, and I know he must notice us this time.
"What the hell?!" Footsteps approach the bed before Dax rips the covers back. "That's just fucking rude. I expect it from Ripley, but not you, Nolan."
He lies on the bed next to me, draping an arm around my waist. "Are you mad at me or something?"
"No." It isn't exactly a lie. I'm not mad at him; it's just...
I let my guard down. And then Elias fucked with my head.
"Well, then why won't you text me back?"
"What are you talking about? You didn't text me."
"Yeah, I did. I texted you quite a few times, actually—a really embarrassing wall of at least five unanswered messages, and I feel really uncool even thinking about it."
"You must have sent them to someone else. I didn't get anything."
"No," he insists. "I sent them to you. I wanted to take you to lunch, and then when you didn't answer I got worried. Then, I brought it up to Elias at the gym, and he said that you were fine and that you had lunch with him, so…that kinda hurt, too."
"What?" I crinkle my nose and roll over to face him. "Unless you count yelling at each other in the quad around noon as having lunch, I did not have lunch with Elias."
Why the hell would he even say that?
Dax pulls his phone from his pocket and opens our text chain. Sure enough, there are several unanswered messages from him.
But that's not what draws my attention—it's his phone background. He really did change it to the shitty selfie he took of us at the café the other day.
And his lock screen is the extra broody photo of Nolan.
Maybe it's not so bad that his brain works in a way that isn't exactly conducive to falling in love. Nolan said his works violently, and mine…
I picture myself as one of those comic strip characters with a rain cloud following them wherever they go.
While the sun shines on everyone else, I'm soaked and shivering, desperate to feel its warmth against my skin, but fully aware it isn't meant for me.
And that if I did, it would only make it worse once it's taken away again.
That's how I work. It's always raining in my head.
The sun shines on Dax, though. He wakes up happy, and he doesn't let anything hurt him. Maybe I could learn something from him.
"I didn't get any of those."
"Oh, you know what?" Nolan says. "If you didn't have his number saved in your contacts, they'll go to that other folder, Saige. Did you save his number?"
"Oh…no, I don't think I did."
"Man…" Dax says, shaking his head. "You're the background on my phone, and I'm not even in your contacts. That feels like a punch line of a terrible meme."
"Sorry," I tell him. "I'll save it."