Chapter 21
the other dead body
Saige
Sunlight streams through the slats in the blinds and into the room, warming my face. It must be later in the morning. My head pounds, keeping time with my pulse. I don't want to open my eyes.
I roll over, pulling the covers over my head. I just want to fucking disappear.
I'm wearing Elias's shirt.
Voices from just outside my door make my heart stop. I pull the covers down, hoping I can hear them better.
"Are you sure you don't want me to talk to her instead?" Dax asks.
"No, I'm fine," Nolan says.
"Did she push you to do something you weren't ready for in some way?"
"No, she's never done anything like that. She might be the only person who hasn't done anything like that. It was all me."
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't owe her an explanation if it hurts you."
"I know what I'm doing, but I appreciate the concern."
Dax lowers his voice. "I just don't want you to end up in a hole again, you know? I worry about you."
"I know. But you don't have to worry about me right now."
"Okay."
It sounds like he kisses him next, whispering something else before I hear one set of footsteps retreat toward the main room.
Maybe Dax doesn't care about me, but he is capable.
He can talk all the shit he wants about how he just thinks that if you really care about your friends, you should get them off, but that isn't what's happening between him and Nolan.
He loves him; he protects him. He takes care of him…
the same way he's been taking care of me.
The doorknob turns, and Nolan pushes it open just a crack before it hits the desk I moved in front of it last night.
"Hey, Saige? Can I come in?"
Even from the other side of the room, I can feel it—a tone so deep, the vibrations hit me right in the chest. I thought I'd gotten used to it over the past few weeks.
"Yeah…" My own voice comes out raspy; my throat hurts. I'm about to get up and move the desk, but Nolan easily pushes it aside enough to get into the room, and then puts it back in place against the wall.
"I come bearing gifts," he says before setting a jar of jalapenos on the same desk. "A peace offering."
"Thanks."
He lies in bed next to me, this time getting under the covers, and brushes hair away from my injured temple with his fingertips. "Saige, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I'm fine."
"It's not okay," he says. "Saige, I need to tell you something…about why I reacted the way I did. It's not going to be pretty, and I hope it doesn't change the way you think about me."
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"Mmm…you're wrong. I do have to, and I don't want to.
I trust you, and I need you to understand me if you're going to stay.
Shit, I mean…" He pauses, lacing our fingers together before kissing the top of my hand.
"I guess I'm assuming you'd even want me after what I did. Do you still want me, Saige?"
Maybe I should say no, but I'd be lying. Nolan used to scare me. I thought he was creepy; I thought there was something wrong with him, but I get it now. Whatever darkness lurks behind his eyes was put there by someone else. They changed him, and that…that I understand.
I nod. "Yeah, I still want you. I won't leave, either. But how are we going to do this…with Dax and Elias?"
"We'll figure it out as we go, Saige. That's not what I want to talk about right now."
"Okay."
I think I know what he's going to say even before he says it—maybe I'm even deflecting, because I don't want to hear it.
But that's selfish, isn't it?
"My mom met my sister's dad when I was nine years old, and she married him right after I turned eleven.
He started hurting me just months after the wedding, and after Avery was born, he started hurting my mom, too.
I tried to get her to leave, but she said she couldn't. She said we needed him, and that he'd take the baby and maybe even me, too.
I don't know why or what he told her, but she believed him, and so I believed it, too. "
"Nolan—"
"Wait, okay? Just wait until I'm done."
I swallow hard. "Go ahead."
"He smelled like cigarettes; the entire house did back then, because he refused to smoke outside.
He had a cigarette every time he came into my room, and he'd put them out on my skin.
He'd tell me that…it was my fault. He'd berate me for tempting him and say things about my body.
He had a particular problem with my track uniform.
" Nolan pauses, scoffing and shaking his head.
"He came to every meet, even if my mom wasn't there, and then he'd shit on me for showing off my body and what it did to him.
At first, it was just that—the comments and the burning.
I quit track, and I thought if I started dressing differently, maybe he'd stop.
"Then he started touching me. He would always lay on top of me afterward for what felt like an eternity, and he made me kiss him while he was doing it, too, and I just…I remember the taste more than anything. That's why I pushed you the other day."
"I'm sorry," I tell him. "I didn't know."
"I know, and I don't blame you. But Saige, under my clothes, I'm covered in scars from cigarette burns—hundreds of them. I dress like this not just to hide them, but because I don't want to be looked at in a certain way. It makes me feel sick."
"Where is he now? In jail?"
Nolan shakes his head. "No. One day, when I was fifteen, he came after me in the kitchen while Avery was playing in the living room—right in front of her.
I hit him…really fucking hard, and I ran all the way to Elias's house.
I showed him the scars, and I told him everything.
I just couldn't fucking take it anymore.
A few minutes later, Neil was downstairs, banging on Elias's door with Avery, demanding I come home.
Elias begged his dad not to open it, and even though I told him not to tell, he told him everything—even pulled my shirt up while I fought against him to show him the scars.
I was pissed; I was crying. I'm not sure if Alex believed him—not until Neil shouted through the door that if I didn't come home, he was going to do it to my sister. "
I feel sick to my stomach. Poor Nolan…and Avery. She had to be only three years old while this was happening. "Oh, my god…"
"Alex heard that, and something changed.
He told us to go hide in Elias's room, and then he went downstairs and opened the door.
He told Neil there was an old cabin near the back of the property that we liked to hang out in, that he'd show him where it is, and Avery could wait there with Elias's mom, because it wasn't safe for kids.
He got in Elias's dad's truck, and no one ever saw him again.
I didn't tell my mom that, though. I drove home with Avery and pretended he just walked off, and we had no idea why. "
"So, do you think my stepdad—"
"He killed him. We heard the gunshots from the house, and we saw blood splattered on the rocks the next day. When he came back to the house, he just told us not to tell anyone I was there, and so we didn't—except for Dax, and now, you."
"I'm so sorry, Nolan." I don't know what to say other than that.
If he liked being held, I'd hold him, but I can't do that.
I can't tell him I know how it feels, because I have no fucking idea how it feels.
And even though I expected something like this…
I didn't know it was this bad. "That's too much to carry, and you don't deserve that. "
"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, Saige. I just want you to know. I'm going to fuck up and disappoint you—I told you that. But I promise I won't fuck up like I did yesterday. You didn't do anything wrong, and I won't hurt you like that again."
"It's okay. I trust you."
He's trusting me with a lot, too.
"I'll leave you alone now, okay? I heard you had a rough night, and I know a lot of that is my fault." His eyes drop to Elias's hockey shirt.
"What did he say?"
Nolan shrugs. "Not a lot. Just that you were really sick after he picked you up, and then you went to bed." He laughs a little. "And that you were yelling unsafe person when he carried you out of the party and getting you into his car was like trying to give a cat a bath."
Okay, good—he didn't mention that he'd kissed me. Or that I kissed him back. Maybe we can pretend it didn't happen.
In fact, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to pretend I don't remember anything that happened.
"I saw that guy again," I tell him. "The one with the mask. He was watching me from the yard, and then through the window later that night."
Nolan sighs. "That doesn't make me feel great about you going out alone like that. Or anywhere, really."
"I can't stay here forever, though. I'll go crazy. More crazy than I already am, I mean."
I watch him go somewhere else in his head, lost in thought for a minute. "Is there anyone else you've pissed off, Saige? I'm starting to think this has nothing to do with Miles; otherwise, why haven't they done anything about it?"
I shrug. "The only other person I've pissed off is Elias, but it can't be him."
"Just hang in there for a few more weeks, okay? We'll catch whoever it is."
He presses his lips to my forehead, lingering there, and I close my eyes, inhaling him. But I just smell Elias.
I need to change.
"I'll be upstairs if you need me," Nolan says as he climbs out of bed. "I have physics homework, but then if you want to get out of the house, I'll go with you."
It must be late then. He must have already been to the gym.
"Okay. I'm going to shower."
"If you're hungry, there's leftover pizza in the fridge, and you have your own jalapenos now. And it isn't Elias's food, so he can't say shit."
"Thanks."