Chapter 25 It’s Existential, Baby
it's existential, baby
Dax
Iswap out Elias's playlist for my own before spotting Saige across the room, laughing at something Kira said.
Dropping onto the couch, I stare at her thighs in her tiny black skirt as she walks toward me, standing between my legs before I grab her by the bottom of her skirt and pull her into my lap.
"You look fucking good," I tell her.
"I can't see you at all," she says before pulling off my Ghostface mask. "There are too many of these masks here. It makes me feel weird."
"Really? I'm kind of into the mask thing. You don't like them?"
"No…especially not now."
She looks somewhere over my shoulder, and I realize she's probably looking at every single mask, wondering if the person underneath it is the one who's been tormenting her for over a month.
"Well, I'll make you like it later, Ripley." Tugging the braids on her wig, I kiss her, tasting vodka on her tongue, sucking on her lower lip before I think better of it. "Shit. I'm covered in black lipstick, aren't I?"
Saige laughs. "Yeah…"
"How bad is it?"
"It's pretty bad."
"No…really?"
She laughs and buries her head in my shoulder while I check it with the camera on my phone. "Damn it. Eh, that's okay. You'll pay for it later."
Before I put it back in my pocket, I check my texts messages, ignoring several and opening the one from Nolan.
NOLAN There's an accident on the bridge, and I'm stuck here. I'm not sure how long it'll take, but I'll be there as soon as I can.
"Shit…"
"What?"
"There's an accident on the bridge. Nolan doesn't know when he'll be back."
I watch her expression fall. "Oh…"
"Hey, it's okay. I'm sure it won't take too long. Why are you so worried about it?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm worried that eventually, the bridge will buckle under the weight of everyone stuck on it, and Nolan's Jeep will become his watery tomb. After his slow and painful death, of course."
"Jesus," I say, shaking my head. "That's dark, Ripley. Get your shit together; he'll be fine."
I lean in and kiss her again, feeling Elias watching us from the other side of the room. He threw on his jersey and helmet and called it a hockey player costume for the second year in a row, but you can't dress up as yourself and call it a costume.
He doesn't bother looking away when my eyes meet his, instead staring right at me while drinking straight from the bottle of gin in his hand.
"Hey, Dax!"
"What's up, Brayden?"
I kiss Saige quickly and then get up; Brayden passes me the joint in his mouth, and I take a hit before handing it back.
"So, you have a girlfriend or something?" he asks. "Is that why I haven't seen you out at parties or at the bars all fucking month?"
"No…fuck no. No, it's um…I've been out," I lie. "Just because you haven't seen me doesn't mean I haven't been out." Fuck, I hope it's loud enough that she didn't hear me.
Camryn appears next to him, crossing her arms in front of her. I've fucked them both—separately and together. "Seriously, Dax," she says. "Are you boring now or something? Where the hell have you been? It's not a party without you."
"Pfft, fuck you. You're boring. I'm at a party right now, aren't I?"
"Yeah, we'll see…" she says. "Maybe we can make it a party."
"Dax is boring now!" Josiah shouts, inserting himself in the conversation. "I've texted him every fucking weekend, and he's always like, Sorry, bro, next week. Every fucking week. I'm going to be honest—we've all been talking shit about you."
Brayden and Camryn both laugh.
"No, but it's true, though," Brayden says.
"Thanks a fucking lot, man."
"Boo!" Josiah says. "You suck, Dax. You had a reputation to uphold. Hey, I wanted to say hi to Elias—where is he?"
"Just look for the big motherfucker in a hockey helmet, same as last year."
"Cool. When I come back, we're taking shots, all right?"
"Yeah, for sure."
They walk away, and, sighing, I sink back into my spot on the couch.
I guess I have been kind of boring. That's the last fucking thing I want to be.
If I'm going to be known as the guy who brought shame to the Hawthorne family, then I'm going to be known as the guy who had the best fucking time doing it.
"Dax?"
"What?" It comes out sharper than intended, but I'm low-key triggered.
"Are…you okay?" Saige asks. "You don't look happy anymore."
She heard. She looks fucking devastated; I can't take it.
"It's not you. It's existential, baby; don't worry about it.
" I open the camera on my phone again and start trying to scrub the lipstick off with the sleeve of my costume, but it isn't doing much good.
I don't get how this shit can so easily end up all over my fucking face, but then be so difficult to remove afterward. "What the hell is in this shit? Fuck…"
"Dax…I'm worried about it."
"Why? I told you it doesn't have anything to do with you."
"Because I heard what you said, and I'm in love with you."
Shit. "Saige…"
"I'm so fucking in love with you. You know I am."
"Dax!" Camryn shouts from the other side of the room. Part of me wants to ignore her, but the other part of me is fucking grateful for the interruption—grateful for the chance to look anywhere other than Saige's sad brown eyes, welling with tears.
"Yeah?"
"Come on—it's my turn for beer pong, and I can't find my partner! I need you!"
"I'll be right there!" I turn back to Saige, looking somewhere over her shoulder. "Um, you should go find Kira and your other friends, okay? We'll talk later. Just, uh, don't let her talk too much shit about me." I fake a laugh before putting my mask back on.
"Dax…"
"Get over here, loser!" Josiah shouts. "Afraid to get your ass beat?"
"By who, exactly? Because I know you don't mean you!" I shout back, leaving Saige alone on the couch without another word, feeling her watch me walk away.
Something in the back of my head screams that I've fucked up, but I rationalize it away.
I didn't do anything; it's not a big deal if I want to hang out with my friends.
I'll find her later—tell her I just needed a little space, and that I don't think we should talk about things like that while we're drinking.
That actually sounds pretty good.
And if it doesn't work, Nolan will fix it for me. He's better at that kind of thing than I am.
But this round of beer pong seems to last fucking forever. And the more time that passes, the worse I feel. I look behind me, but Saige isn't there anymore. She's not with Kira, either. I scan the entire first floor, but she's fucking nowhere.
Jesus. Where the fuck is Nolan?
"We win!" Camryn shouts. "Haha, drink up, assholes."
I try my best to shake it off. "Yeah, who's the fucking losers now?"
"Time will tell, Dax," Brayden says.
"Who's next?" Camryn asks.
Two girls begin setting up at the other end of the table. "Hey, Cam. I think I'm going to sit this one out—I'm going to go talk to a few people."
"What? No way! We're the fucking champions—we have to play again."
"Dax is afraid of losing to two girls," one girl mocks before sticking her tongue out at me. Clearly, she knows me from when I used to be cool, but I can't quite place her face.
"Bullshit. I'll have you know I love losing to girls. If they want to punish me afterward, then that's even better."
"Be careful what you wish for," she says back.
"Never. I said what I said."
But I feel fucking weird about what I said. I get this twisted feeling in my gut like I've done something wrong. It's entirely unfamiliar, and I don't like it at all.
Maybe I just need another drink.
"So, you're playing, right?" Camryn asks.
"Yeah, I'll play."
But after we start, I'm watching the clock, watching the door, and checking my phone. There's nothing from Nolan, and I still don't see Saige anywhere. I can't get out of my fucking head.
I don't see Elias, either. Not until he approaches me and grabs my arm.
"Dude, where have you been all night?" I ask. "Do you want to take my place?"
"He can't! That's cheating!"
I roll my eyes at the girl on the other side of the table. "Do you or not?"
"No. I want you to trade me costumes."
"What? I'm not doing that. I don't want people to think I dressed up as you. That's weird as hell."
"Then don't wear one—I don't care. Just give me yours. And your phone, too."
"Why?"
"You said you would help me with Saige, right?"
"Yeah…but I don't think she's in the mood to be fucked with right now."
"Too fucking bad," he says. "You said you'd help me, and I want your help. She likes me—she kissed me. You don't love her like I do."
He loves her? Did he really just say that to me?
It doesn't feel great—it's like a knife to the chest, really. He must be really fucked up, because he can't love her.
I laugh. "Jesus. How fucking wasted are you? I don't even know where Saige went."
"I do. She's crying in her room." Fucking ouch. "Come on, just trade me."
"Earth to fucking Dax—it's your turn," Camryn says, annoyed.
"Fine," I tell him, handing over the mask before pulling the robe over my head. "Don't piss her off too much."
"Phone, too," he says.
I unlock it and hand it to him.
"Thanks, bro."
I watch him walk upstairs, trying again to silence that voice in the back of my head telling me I fucked up. When it doesn't work, I wave Josiah over and tell him I think it's time for us to take those shots.
I'm going to need them. Maybe I can just forget the conversations even happened—I'll black out and try again tomorrow.
As long as Elias doesn't break my favorite toy.