38. Tanner
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Tanner
Burn lines & boundaries
I fucking missed Ava. But fortunately, fighting a wildfire kept me occupied.
It was a grueling fire. There was thick brush everywhere, and we had to cut wide swaths to establish a perimeter.
Planes buzzed overhead all day, dropping water and fire retardant in steady passes.
We were working alongside three other state crews.
By the time we ended each day, we were all filthy, smeared in soot and dirt, and exhausted down to the bone.
“Fuck me,” Kincaid muttered as he plunked down on the ground and rolled a stump closer to lean against it. “We’re all fucking wrecked. There hasn’t been a fire out here in a while, which means we’ve got twice the work.”
“No shit,” I said, lifting a hand to catch the water bottle Graham tossed my way. He was playing delivery boy, lobbing them at whoever looked closest to passing out.
Leo dragged his sleeve across his face, leaving a darker streak in the soot. “How much longer are we gonna be out here?”
“Two weeks,” I said. “This one’s a set schedule.”
“I wish they did that more often,” Graham commented. “Nice to know the timeline.”
“When we’ve got enough crews, we can,” I replied. “Only unknown variable is if this thing flares up worse, or if something else ignites and they start shuffling us around.”
Parker leaned back on his elbows and stared at the smoky sky. “Even though I’m exhausted, I love this work.”
“Same,” Leo added, then huffed a quiet laugh. “Still getting used to missing Casey, though.”
“No shit,” Kincaid said. “Never thought that’d be the hard part.”
Leo nodded. “I had to make some adjustments when I found out I was a surprise single dad.”
We all sobered at that. Leo had found out he had a daughter only after her mother passed away. Life had dropped that on him without warning. “I’m gonna transition to the town crew after this summer. I think.”
“Totally get that,” I said. “Being away from Dora and Casey has to suck.”
“Yeah,” he admitted. “Not easy. I used to think I’d be a hotshot forever. Freedom, travel, and so on. Loved it. I still do. But…” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Fuck, I miss Casey.”
Something inside my chest twisted. Because I fucking missed Ava.
“Speaking of,” Graham said as he dropped down beside us, “how are you and Ava?”
I hesitated. “What do you mean?”
Kincaid chuckled. “Don’t play dumb.”
Hudson snorted. “We all know, man. Not because we’re gossiping. Because our girlfriends and wives are. Word is we’re supposed to find out if you’re serious, and if you’re not, they’re gonna tell Ava to be careful.”
My gaze bounced among my friends. “What the hell did I do to deserve this interrogation? I’ve never been an asshole to anyone.”
“No,” Graham agreed. “You haven’t. You got engaged to your high school sweetheart in college. Moved back home, did the whole solid guy thing.”
“And then she dumped me,” I finished dryly.
“Yeah,” Kincaid said. “Probably for the best.”
I pressed a hand to my chest in mock outrage. “Wow. Supportive.”
I was well over Laney and had been for years. The conversation we’d had before I left for this fire had felt final, adding a definitive period at the end of that chapter. “I’m over Laney,” I said. “Completely. It’s better we didn’t stay together.”
Graham leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Sure. But you haven’t been serious with anyone since.”
Somewhere beyond the dark line of trees, smoke drifted in a low haze. I stared into it for a long moment before answering. “No,” I admitted. “I haven’t.”
“And?” Hudson prompted.
I ran a hand through my hair. “And I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.” That was the truth of it.
I missed Ava. More than made sense for the amount of time we’d known each other. I thought about her constantly when my thoughts weren’t occupied with work. The way she smiled. The way she said my name.
“So just… I don’t know. Shit,” I muttered.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Graham said. “We know what it’s like here. Small town, word travels. Nobody thinks you’d hurt her on purpose.”
“Josie offered her a job,” Wes chimed in from my wide. “And Tiffany told me she’s adopting Growly and moving here.”
“Oh my God.” I shook my head, half laughing. “Information moves at light speed in this town.”
It wasn’t that I didn’t know this. Still, hearing my personal life laid out like an online neighborhood update was something else.
Leo cleared his throat. “Look, we all know you’re solid. So either tell us you’re gonna be good to Ava. Or acknowledge you’re treating her like every other situationship you’ve had since you and Laney.”
I barked out a laugh. “Wow. Subtle.”
“No,” Graham said evenly. “Serious.”
I sobered. Smoke curled into the night.
“I like Ava. A lot,” I said finally. “I guess what I’ll say is this. I’m not sure what she wants.”
Graham didn’t blink. “What do you want?”
The question hit me like a dropped tree thudding to the ground. What do you want? It played on a loop in my head long after he asked it.
The guys were decent enough to let the topic drop. They had made their point. I wanted Ava, and I wanted more than I had ever had with Laney. That realization should have been simple, yet it wasn’t. Because how the hell did I get there with her when I didn’t even know what she wanted?
She might want forever. She might want a fresh start and nothing serious. My own doubts were loud and relentless.
While I knew I was over Laney, the comments she’d said when we broke up were sharp in my thoughts. Too steady and boring. Words that had once felt like strengths had felt like flaws.
The worst part was how they hooked into something older, something uglier. The tension between my parents. The way my dad had twisted everything. If your mother was different, I wouldn’t have to be this way.
As if her being anything could have justified his temper, his control, and his cruelty.
Intellectually, I knew that was bullshit.
No one makes someone else abusive. No one forces cruelty out of another person.
But when you grow up absorbing that kind of warped lesson, it settles in and whispers on occasion.
Maybe if you were different. Maybe if you were more. Maybe if you were less.
I didn’t want to be my father. I didn’t want to be the guy who blamed a woman for his own shortcomings. I didn’t want to be the guy who hurt someone because he was afraid.
What do you want?
I wanted Ava’s laugh. Her sass. The way she looked at me like I was her solid ground. Maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be brave enough to say that out loud.