Chapter 24
love with teeth
Saige
I'm still awake when Elias's alarm goes off the next morning. He turns it off, and I close my heavy eyes, pretending to be asleep while he moves around the room, quietly packing his suitcases.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Again, it isn't a hurt I'm unfamiliar with. Heartbreak has become like an old friend. Even if it's been a while since I've let it in, when it shows up at my door, it's like we never missed a beat—the heavy limbs, as if the floor is trying to pull me down into it, the ache in my bones.
The sick, twisted feeling in my gut. The sleep that refuses to come.
We're not breaking up, I remind myself. It's not like I'll never see him again.
Still, my high school boyfriend couldn't do long distance when I moved from the city to the suburbs. And my dad couldn't be a long distance father; it was easier to pretend I didn't exist.
But that's not what Elias said. He told me he loves me, and he'd never let that happen. So, why does it feel like this?
Elias lies down beside me, wrapping his arms around me. "Saige, wake up," he whispers before kissing my neck. "We need to leave in about…fifteen minutes."
I open my eyes, placing a hand on the back of his neck before kissing him. "I love you," I tell him.
What I want to say is, I don't want you to go.
"Well, there must be something wrong with you, then," he jokes.
"Yeah, I think we've established that."
But the smile doesn't quite reach his pale green eyes. Instead, there's something else behind them—something unfamiliar.
"I love you, too, Saige."
"I guess I should get dressed before your dad gets here."
I drag myself out of bed and to my feet, sighing. It almost feels like I'm watching myself get ready instead of actually doing it. I step into a pair of leggings and then pull on a t-shirt with a hoodie. After piling my hair into a bun, it feels like I've done a whole ass workout.
I sit at the edge of the bed and blow out a breath before rubbing my tired eyes. My body aches; he was right—I'm going to feel him long after he's gone.
When I look up, I find Elias leaning against the doorway, watching me.
"How long have you been there?" I ask.
"Not long."
I shake my head. "You've got to stop looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like it's the last time you're ever going to look at me."
His brow furrows before he rakes his fingers through his hair…like he does when he's nervous.
"Saige…" Elias crosses the room and sits at the end of the bed beside me.
"No," I say, stopping him. "Whatever you're going to say, I don't think I'm going to like it, so just don't. Please?"
"I just…I don't know about this."
I don't think I can do long distance.
I jump up, tears stinging my eyes. "I said don't! Don't do this to me. Just get out!"
"I don't mean it like that!" He stands, grabbing my hands. "I don't mean you. It just…it doesn't feel right, does it? The ribcage thing—I feel it, too. I think you're right; it feels like the end of something."
"Elias, how can you do this right now? You were the one who said it wasn't a big deal and that everything would be fine."
"I know. I know…I'm sorry."
I tear my hands away. "This is so fucked up."
"Hey, listen…"
But before he speaks, there's a knock at the front door.
"I'd better get that."
I stay there, stunned, while Elias unlocks the door for his dad. I listen while they talk for a minute, and then Elias goes upstairs to get his bags.
I drop my face in my hands, attempting to shake off my anxiety before leaving the room.
When I do, my stepdad stands just inside the door with a drink carrier, smiling.
"Hey, Saige," he says. "One of these coffees is for you…ah, there we go—it's the one in the top right corner here."
"Thanks," I say, taking it.
"Are you still riding with us?"
"Uh…I don't know."
"What do you mean you don't know?" Elias asks as he descends the staircase, a large suitcase in each hand. "Saige, you're going."
He sets both bags beside the door and then places a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into him before whispering, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that—I promise."
I close my eyes, breathing him in. If this is the end of something, I should at least remember how it felt.
That way, when it's over, and I'm wondering if I was just prey, feeling small and stupid, I'll be able to reason with that older, wiser version of myself, who can't believe I fucking fell for it.
You were there. Don't you remember how it felt? Like electricity. Like a rollercoaster that's just gone over the edge, but it doesn't stop—you just keep falling. And after spending so long feeling nothing—nothing good, anyway—how could you resist the drop?
Maybe Elias was right that night we met—maybe love isn't real, but that feeling is real. The way I feel with all of them…that's the realest thing I've ever felt.
Maybe we need another word for it.
Nolan and Dax come downstairs to say goodbye to Elias, and then we head out to the car.
Elias sits with me in the back of Alex's SUV with his arm around me, lazily running his fingertips up and down my spine.
And I lean against him with one leg draped over his, quiet tears streaming down my cheeks while my stepdad asks excitedly about the team, the campus, and the coaches.
It seems to relax Elias, but it has the opposite effect on me. The entire drive is excruciating.
We park in the garage and stay with Elias until we get to security and have to part ways. Alex hugs him, telling him how proud he is—that he's doing the right thing, and that he can't wait to come out to see the campus and watch him play.
"Well, I wouldn't have started playing again at all if it weren't for Saige," Elias says.
For some reason, my stepdad doesn't like that very much. "Yeah, well…I'll give you two a minute."
Alex walks away, pulling out his phone, and then brings it to his ear, keeping his back to us.
"It's okay, Saige," he says.
"That's not what you said before."
"I know, but—"
"You scare me, Elias. You're…erratic and obsessive and…volatile. What if I'm…"
"What? What is it?"
"…A symptom."
"You're not a symptom. I love you, Saige.
It's been you since the night we met. I know I've done some fucked-up shit, but I'd walk through fire for you a thousand fucking times, okay?
" He pauses, cupping my face in his hands.
"I'm not looking at you like this because it's the last time I'm ever going to look at you.
I'm looking at you like this because you're the only fucking thing in this fucked-up world I want to look at. "
I nod, blinking back tears. "Okay."
He leans in, and his mouth meets mine, kissing me hard, his tongue quickly coaxing my lips apart. He kisses the same way he fucks—thoroughly, forcefully—and it's like I can feel his tongue between my legs, too.
It takes my breath away.
"You better get going," Alex says. "Your flight boards in twenty minutes."
Elias sighs as he pulls away, and then takes his keys from his pocket, removing the remote to the Porsche and handing it to me.
"You can drive the car," he says. "You can have my room if you want, too.
And I know you will but…take care of the dog.
Her birthday is next week; I usually get her ice cream. "
"I will."
"Okay; I'll call you later. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Bye. Bye, Dad."
"See you soon, son. I'm proud of you."
As Elias moves through the barriers, Alex places a hand on my shoulder, ushering me in the other direction. I follow the same way I got ready this morning—as if I'm watching myself move through the airport instead of actually doing it.
We don't speak as we walk out to the car or when we leave the parking garage. I lean against the window, watching the rain run down the glass, breathing through that ache at the center of my chest.
"You know, Saige," Alex starts once we're out of the city and on the highway, "I realize how much this must hurt right now, but I think if you give it a few weeks, you'll realize it's for the best."
"Yeah…I know. He deserves to play hockey."
"That's not what I mean. You two…" He sighs. "I know you think you love each other, but you're not good for each other. Healthy relationships aren't rooted in trauma—trust me. I know how confusing it can be. And I know as well as anyone that it can feel like love, but that's not what it is."
I shake my head. "It's not like that. Elias loves me.
" And yeah, he's fucked up, and I shouldn't love him, but he's not the only one who made me like this—all sharp edges, desperate for the kind of love that shows its teeth, the kind that hurts and leaves a mark when it's done.
The kind that's saved me more than once—from the precipice and the dark water below, from prison, and then from the fire.
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. "
"You wouldn't have been in that storage facility if it weren't for him, either.
I love my son more than anything, but this is toxic.
Your mom and I found a therapist on campus that we'd like you to start seeing.
She comes highly recommended and typically, you'd have to go on a waitlist, but she's willing to make an exception for you, given what you've gone through. "
"Fine."
I guess it wouldn't hurt to talk about what I went through—and what I saw inside that storage unit—with someone else. But I'm happy in my relationships. I don't think it's a character flaw; I don't think it's something that needs fixed. There's love there, and it's real. It has to be.
And if it's not, then I still want whatever this is. I don't want to get better.