12. Emily
Emily
2010
“ O ur next performer is Emily Bailey. Performing Mozart’s Concerto No. 5 in A major .”
Smoothing out the invisible wrinkles from my black performance dress, I take another deep breath and flex my fingers before taking the first step back onto the stage. I’ve already performed in a quartet. But now the spotlight and attention will be solely on me as the final performer of the night. Amelia manages to capture my focus from across the stage and reminds me to remember to breathe.
Turning, I face the crowd and curtsey. Once upright I place my violin between my shoulder and jawline, place my bow in the upward direction, and begin my piece.
The song comes to me like it’s my second language. I don’t pay any mind to who’s in the crowd, who’s not in the crowd, or who’s paying attention. I let my muscle memory lead me through the thirty-minute piece of music. My fingers float over the strings, my wrist inciting vibrato, and my bow hand keeping up with every stroke along the strings.
My eyes are closed as my body sways to the music this instrument is creating. I sense I’ve made it to the finale of the song and hold my breath until the very last note fades out into the crowd. Only when I lift my bow off of its resting position does my focus come back to the crowd that’s on their feet and cheering.
My face flames with the attention of over a hundred people. I take my curtsey as the pressure from this performance has passed and my smile from finishing this piece cannot be stopped. With a final bow, I make my way off the stage to take the long-awaited cleansing breath that had me locked up from the time I stepped onto the stage to now. And when I’m finally behind the red curtain without a hundred sets of eyes on my every move, does my body relax for the first time all day.
“Emily, that was beautiful,” Amelia praises and pulls me into her embrace.
Returning her embrace I tell her, “I couldn’t have done it without your coaching and mentoring. Thank you, Amelia.”
“It’s been an honor to teach you these past couple of years.” With a kiss to the top of my head, Amelia breezes out of the backstage.
Packing up in record time, I meet James in the lobby.
My heart kicks up when I see him there with flowers and that boyish smile I love so much. “Baby, you played so incredible. These are from me and Gloria.”
“Thank you.” Taking the flowers from him, I lean up on my toes to kiss him on the cheek.
I swallow down my disappointment that my parents didn’t show up. I thought that after the talk we had, they would be more present. Silly me, huh?
“I wanna take you somewhere,” James leads with distraction.
“Okay.”
James dropped me off earlier as I needed to do a final run-through of my set. Since we knew we were spending time with each other tonight, him dropping me off was the smart choice.
We stop by the bathroom so I can change out of my performance dress. Taking off the dress, I pull up my maxi skirt that’s thicker than the normal skirt and pull the thick dark blue sweater down my body. The thick socks that roll around in my bag slide on my feet along with my flat ankle booties. I pull on my cream cardigan, roll my performance dress into my bag, and exit the bathroom.
James’s smile lights up his face when I reach him and then he’s slinging my violin case over his shoulder, taking my hand in his. We follow the trickling crowd out to the parking lot into the brisk winter air. “So how do you feel now that your big moment is done?”
I cover his hand with my free hand and lean into his side. “Lighter. I’m not sure if that’s the right word. But I worked so hard for this moment only for it to be done in an hour. So I guess I also feel a little empty.”
“All your hard work paid off. I’ll never get over watching how beautiful you play.”
“Thank you, baby,” my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.
“Ice cream?” I turn to him with excitement coating my words.
His eyebrows raise with a goofy nod. Slowly leaning into my space he pecks me on the lips. “I got a craving for some Oreo ice cream.”
He leaves me watching after him as he strolls around to my side of his car. “M’lady,” he announces as he holds his hand out for me.
“You’re such a goofball. And I love you for that.”
Shutting the car door we walk into the ice cream shop. James wraps his arms around my upper body and our steps match as we stroll up to the small line which has formed. “It’s an honor to be your goofball.”
Kissing his forearm, I order our ice cream when it’s our turn. After we’ve paid, we take a seat at our usual table. We people watch as we let the ice cream cool off our already cold bodies and talk about absurd things that will probably never happen.
“You can’t say something that insane!” I cough out. The cold from the ice cream makes me sound like I’m sick.
James chuckles. “If it were to happen. Trust me!”
“So you’re telling me that if an apocalypse were to occur, the first thing you’d do is rob a grocery store? Of all of the bread? What is wrong with you?” I say and burst out in hysterics.
“When you’re starving because everything else got wiped out by the zombies don’t come to me for some bread.”
“You’re so weird. You know that right?”
“I’ve come to accept that.”
I kiss the tip of his nose. “I think I’m accepting it too.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” James asks.
“With you hopefully. Maybe married or at least engaged.” I’m confident enough in us to know that’s where our future is heading.
“Pretty presumptuous don’t ya think?”
“I don’t think anything. I know. I love you. And I know I see our future wrangling our little boys to t-ball practice.”
“Boys huh?” His smile is contagious.
My nod is emphatic. “I wouldn’t mind having a daughter. But being around you and your brothers has fulfilled me in a way I didn’t know I needed.”
James leans forward and presses a kiss to my lips. “I like that. Knowing that we’ve unintentionally given you something precious. And I love you too, sweet girl.”
A comfortable silence takes place as we eat our ice cream and people-watch.
James breaks the silence by asking, “Have you talked to Kamryn or Liam lately?”
“Not recently. Why do you ask?” Kamryn texted me a couple of weeks ago and told me about a guy she’s been seeing. He’s the quarterback at the university she and Liam go to. While I thought them going to college together would spur Liam to confessing how he felt about her, has instead turned the opposite.
James’s shrug is a little sad. I know he misses his best friends. But it was his choice to stay close to home for college. “I was just curious. So what have you decided on for college?”
With it being my senior year, I had big options of where to go to school. I could go back to New York, but that place doesn’t feel like home anymore. Since my parents are there six and a half out of the seven days a week, I don’t want to be anywhere close to them. But I didn’t tell James I applied to PhilU. He told me that he could transfer anywhere that I got into.
Is it a mistake to go to college with your boyfriend? Maybe. But is it a mistake if I choose to stay close to the place that makes me feel at home? No.
“I have,” I leave him with that and try to hold in my laughter at his wanting more expression.
“Baby, don’t leave me hanging.” His bottom lip juts out as he silently begs me to tell him where I’ve decided to go to college.
Finishing off my ice cream, I stack our empty bowls together and scoot closer to James. “How do four years, well three for you, at the same school sound?”
“Really? You got into PhilU?” His excitement is palpable.
“Yeah. Are you happy?” I know the answer but I have to ask him.
“The happiest, baby.” He leans forward and our lips collide. We keep it PG for the public. “When did you get your letter?” James asks when he pulls away.
“Yesterday when I got home from school.” Gloria was home to congratulate me and make me a celebratory dinner. It was a bittersweet moment that my parents weren’t there to congratulate me.
James’s face turns morose as he knows the only person I celebrated with was Gloria. He had a big final and I didn’t want to disturb him. “I would’ve come over to help celebrate.”
“You had your big test and I don’t want you to feel bad. This reaction was what I wanted from you.”
He drapes his arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. “So we’re both gonna be Grizzlies. These next few years are going to be the best of our lives.”
I gaze at him with so much love in my eyes, that I don’t think words can adequately express how much I love him. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I push his hair off his forehead. “Do you promise?”
“I promise I’ll love you forever.”
I mouth the word, wow , “Forever’s a long time you know?”
“I’m okay with forever as long as you are.”
2011
“Another year has come and gone. Congratulations to the class of 2011.” Caps fly up and cheers are contagious.
I beeline my way through my former classmates. Waving back to those who wave at me. Once outside, I find James standing with Gloria. I run into his arms when he sees me coming.
“No more high school,” James claims. He sets me on my feet.
The happiness I feel is short-lived as I turn to Gloria and sink into her hug. My body shakes with silent sobs. “I know, sweetie.”
January 2011
My parents flew in from New York unexpectedly. They were waiting in the kitchen when I got home from school. It felt like deja vu when I walked in there and saw Gloria was busying herself at the stove. But I knew it was for my benefit, more than for what she was cooking.
“What’s going on?” I asked without a proper greeting.
My parents looked at each other before my mom swung her gaze to me. “Your father and I have to go out of town.”
“Where?” My question is devoid of emotion.
“Spain.” My mother’s short response was equal to my short response.
I knew the answer before I even asked the question. But I asked anyway for my piece of mind. “When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow. For about six months. Maybe more.”
I looked up at the ceiling. It wasn’t sad tears that burned the back of my eyes. But angry tears that they even had the decency to let me know they were leaving. “So my birthday, graduation, and my first day of college are the events you two want to miss? Any other big events of my life you two want to pencil yourself out of?”
“Sweetheart,” my dad started but I shut him down.
“No! My showcase was in December. I played in a packed auditorium. I brought the crowd to their feet. And that little girl who supported her parents with their career was crushed when she finally realized that her dreams meant absolutely nothing to them.” The tears fell hot down my face as if this wasn’t the tenth time I confronted my parents about their neglect. “But you know, it’s good that you two have shown me what it’s like to neglect their child. Because I’m making a promise, here and now, that I will never be like you two.”
The utensil that Gloria was holding clatters to the floor at the same time my mom’s shocked gasp is freed from her mouth.
A bitter smile that didn’t quite reach my face and tears that leaked out of the corner of my eyes slid down the sides of my face. “I used to be so proud to tell people what my parents do for a living. How they provided for me in a way they never thought they could. And I confidently said, every time someone asked about you two, that my parents loved me. Now I feel like such an idiot that they never loved me enough to put me first. So thank you, for letting me know that you two are going out of town. But to be quite frank, I wish you two wouldn’t have even bothered. Have a good trip.”
I walked out of the kitchen to the front door, slammed it shut, and ran over to James’s house. Knocking on the door, James’s Mom answered and gave me a sad smile when she saw the tears on my cheeks.
I’d like to say this didn’t happen often. But too many times my parents have disappointed me to where I needed to be somewhere that wasn’t connected to them. It’s sad that my parents are supposed to wipe away my tears when I’m hurt even though they’re the ones doing the hurting. I’ll never stop wanting my parent’s love and attention. But I can’t fight for people who won’t fight back.