20. Emily
Emily
“ E mily, you’re allowed to be happy,” Sarah announces at dinner.
I looped them in on what happened when they didn’t show up to the bar and then the other day with the parent-teacher conference.
Maybe it was for the best that they weren’t there. Otherwise, I’d have never released more of the grief that I had been holding on to. And I wouldn’t have had the chance to talk with Adam.
“Guys, I can’t,” I admit defeat.
“Well, why not?” Kamryn asks me.
“For one, he’s my student's father. And two, maybe I’m not ready to date anyone.”
Sarah places her hand on mine. “Sweetie, no one is saying you have to commit to another man right away. Just have some fun. All you do is work, hang out with us, and spend time with your cat.”
“Hey! Leave Biscuit out of this.” I defend my cat who can’t defend herself. Sarah’s eyebrows raise as if saying See? and I know it’s a lost cause. “How do I even do this? I haven’t had to date-date in a long time.”
“What did you and James do?” Jax chimes in.
“We went to ice cream or had movie marathon dates.” Those were some of the best dates of my life.
I see them all confused.
“What? We were kids with no licenses. What else were we supposed to do? Being with him was so easy. Being with him was effortless. Nobody put pressure on us to go above and beyond what our relationship was.”
I think that’s what scares me. James and I were effortless. And to start over with someone in my twenties was not something I had envisioned in my life plan.
“James would want you to be happy. You know that, right?” Kamryn tells me as if I don’t already know this.
My eyes water at the mention of him wanting me to be happy. To that exact conversation we had after we got engaged.
“What is it, honey?” Sarah asks.
“The night we got engaged, he said that if anything happened to him, he’d want me to be happy. He wanted to prepare me to make it without him if that ever happened. And I was so mad that he brought up something like the after when we were celebrating our present.” I feel my lips tremble as I remember that moment so clearly.
Kamryn clasps her hand with mine and waits until I’m facing her. “Maybe James somehow knew that you’d need early reassurance if anything ever happened to him. Em, you are one of the strongest people I know. Yeah, these last few years have been a bitch to get through. But you’ve done it with the poise and grace I saw in you when you were fourteen. You deserve all the happiness that you can hold onto. And James would want that for you.”
Later that night I’m sitting on my balcony with a glass of wine on the table to my right and citronella candles lit around me. Lana Del Rey on vinyl floats through the open windows as Biscuit is curled in my lap. I’ve been staring at my unlit phone screen, just waiting for the wine to loosen my brain.
After the parent-teacher conference, I programmed Adam’s number into my phone as a precaution. Following dinner, my pro-cons list is battling for victory in my head.
“Just do it, Emily. What’s the worst that could happen?” Talking to myself is a terrible sign. But here goes nothing.
Me: Hey. It’s Emily.
Me: Dylan’s teacher.
It’s not even hot out here and I’m sweating. How do people do this on the regular? Why hasn’t he responded? Is he working? I’m so not cut out for this. I’m about to type out another reply, but my phone lights up with a message from him.
Adam: Hi, Dylan’s teacher.
Me: Is this a bad time?
Adam: Not at all. Just making another list for what needs repurchasing.
Me: What all does that entail?
Adam: Retail, liquor, seasonal menus…things like that.
Adam: But hearing about my list isn’t what you texted me for, is it?
Me: No. It’s not.
Adam: I have time.
Me: Do you maybe wanna get coffee one morning?
Goodness, I’m terrible at this.
Adam: I’d like that. I just have to make sure Dylan’s sitter is free.
Me: Oh, of course. Well, I’ll let you get back to your work.
Adam: You don’t have to be shy Emily.
Me: I can’t help it. It’s who I am.
Adam: Hopefully one day you won’t be so shy around me.
How does he say all the right things?
Me: Goodnight, Adam.
Adam: Goodnight, Emily.
“Good morning, class.”
“Good morning, Ms. Bailey,” they chant back.
I walk around to the front of the classroom. It’s the day before Thanksgiving break and the kids are restless. As are us teachers.
“Since today is a short day, let’s start off with what we’re going to be doing tomorrow. Anyone wanna start?” A show of little arms shoots up and I pick on a student.
Her response is rambled as she tells me all of the food she plans to eat. I nod my head and widen my eyes when appropriate knowing she’ll only get a sliver of what she thinks she’ll eat. Kids have the wildest imaginations. It’s why I love teaching at this grade level.
With it being a half day I only have my kids for a few hours. Why the school district tortures us instead of giving us the day before Thanksgiving off, I’ll never understand.
I put on a movie for the rest of the time we’re at school. It’s an easy way for the kids to be entertained and for me to get a head start on grading.
I’ve timed it correctly because early dismissal happens a couple of minutes after the movie ends.
“Have a great Thanksgiving break you guys,” I declare as I walk to the door and open it. The chatter from the hallway filters in the room. “I’ll see you next Monday,” I tell my students as they walk out of the classroom.
I get to work on putting my classroom in order, so it’s less work I have to do next week. Arranging the desks in a new quad pattern keeps my kids engaged and it’s fun for me to see which little personalities mesh or clash.
A knock on my door halts my rearrangement. “Hey, are you headed out soon?”
Turning, I see Melissa with her tote over her shoulder and her purse and water bottle in her opposite hand. Looking at my watch I see an hour has passed me by.
“Yeah. I’m gonna finish up here. Are you staying here for the break?” As I ask her this, I realize I have to decide if I’m gonna stay here with my girls or go home to a not-so-pleasant Thanksgiving with my parents.
Melissa shifts her weight to the other side of her body. “I think so. Jeff and I were talking about heading to Chicago to spend it with his family. But something about not having to beat the holiday traffic sounds more appealing to me. So we’ll see. What about you?”
“I’m not sure yet. I try to avoid going home as much as possible.” Going home means seeing James' family's house and not seeing him. But it also means I get to be a little closer to him.
“I understand that. Well, have a good break and I’ll see you on Monday.”
Melissa takes a couple backward steps and I follow her to the threshold of my door. I watch her walk off before I deduce that I’ve done what I can to prepare for next week. So I pack up my things and make the drive back home.