23. Emily
Emily
I t’s hours later when I finally work up the courage to go next door. I only know they’re home because I was in the living room when I saw Malcolm walk inside. Throwing on my dad’s jacket and shoving my feet into some UGGS, I head to the door.
“I’m heading next door.” I say to my dad as I pop my head into his office.
His head lifts from a contract he’s reviewing. “Do you want me to come with you?”
I shake my head, unable to speak.
“Take your time honey,” my dad tells me with the softest eyes I’ve ever seen him display.
With a final glance at him, I walk outside. I take the long way instead of cutting across the yards. It buys me a little bit of time. I take the familiar steps up the driveway and to the front door. Shaking out my hands I press the doorbell. The familiar chime of the bell sounds through the house. If I thought seeing the Hayes family made me nervous, the wait for them to answer the door drives me to panic.
The sound of the lock on the door flicks, interrupting the quiet street, and I brace myself for who I’m about to face.
“Hi,” I say when the door opens, revealing James’s Mom.
“Sweetheart.” Michelle greets.
She pulls me into the house and her embrace. Her lilac and rose scent takes me back to my childhood. To a time when the future was certain.
Footsteps on the stairs pull us away and we look towards the newcomer. I’m barely prepared to see a new face when a body crashes into me. My arms go around the trim frame as one of the boys tucks his face into my neck.
“Evan, let her breathe,” Michelle tells her son.
His hold loosens and I hold in my gasp. He looks just like James at this age. It's scary. I look over at Michelle and the tight smile on her face tells me she knows what I’m thinking.
“You’re taller than me.” Really, Emily? Two years you haven’t seen this family and that’s what you say?
A blush covers his face and it’s so much like James I have to bite down on my teeth to keep from crying. I loved all of James’s brothers. But Evan stuck close to me when I was here. I think it was his shy personality he took from James that had him latch onto me.
“I missed you, Eminem.”
“I missed you too, Evanescence.” I say as I wrap my arm around his neck and follow Michelle into the living room.
The sound of the TV echoes down the hallway and taunting from the other boys greets us. It really is like going back in time. My steps are sure but my heart is racing as I see them for the first time in years.
I observe them as a whole.
A silent observer while they interact with one another. Malcolm does a victory dance while Ford glares at him with invisible daggers shooting out.
“Boys!” Michelle starts. “We have company.”
Evan is still under my arm as the attention slides to us.
“Woah!”
“Um, hi,” I say weakly.
Malcolm is the first to break. He jumps over the couch and pulls me into his arms. His breaths are short and I’m unsure if it’s from his dancing or jumping over the couch or he’s trying not to cry.
“Hi, buddy.”
My greetings go like this with all of the boys. I for sure thought Michelle would slam the door in my face. But I’m welcomed back into their home with open arms.
“So are you just home for Thanksgiving?” Michelle asks when we’re all on the couch.
“Yeah. It was a sort of last-minute thing to come home. Luckily it was a direct flight so it wasn’t too bad.”
Brandon hands me a glass of wine and plops down in the corner of the couch.
“I’m sure your parents are glad to have you here,” Jeff states and I smile in return. “You’re still teaching, right?”
I take a sip of wine for something to do. “I am. And it’s good. I like the district I’m teaching in and the school that I’m at. The kids are great. Plus, it’s not far from my apartment either.”
“Do you go to a lot of football games?” Evan asks.
“Since I live so close to the stadium one would think. But no. I’m still not much of a football fan.”
Conversation is awkward. Almost enough for me to want to crawl out of my skin. But not enough to leave this house. This place holds too many good memories to outweigh the tragic moment that bonds us.
It’s like I can feel James here. And maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable in this house.
Michelle clears her throat and our attention goes to her. “I know it’s not my business but I want to know more about your life. Who you’re hanging out with. If you’re dating.”
“Um,” I think of how to answer that. “I’m still hanging out with the girls. Not much dating has happened in the last couple of years. But maybe soon? I, uh, actually went to visit James when I got off the plane. I don’t know, I think he gave me the sign I was looking for.”
“That’s good honey. All we want is your happiness and we know that’s what he would want.”
I look down into my wine glass and smile attempting to hold the tears back. “I’m getting there.” Is what I finally tell them. “But enough about me. What’s new with all of you?”
“Brandon is dating someone but he won’t tell us who.” Malcolm pipes up from across the room. I can almost see the laser beams Brandon shoots at Malcom.
“Do I know her?” I probe.
He clears his throat. “Maybe.”
We silently war with each other and hopefully, my look conveys that he’ll tell me later.
“So what else?’ I cheerfully ask.
Conversation finally flows. The boys talk over one another as they tell me everything they’ve been up to. And I don’t miss the smile from Michelle as they interact with me.
When James died, I had no clue how to navigate the after . While I’ve always considered James’s family my family, that chance was taken from us to make it official. Although blood doesn’t make someone family, having my name tied to them, would have been the next best thing.
I look at my watch and realize I’ve been here for longer than planned. When I announce I need to leave, groans of protest sound. It makes me laugh because these are the exact reactions they had when we were younger. Michelle makes the boys and I get together for a group picture. The goodbyes take another thirty minutes before Brandon walks me to the door.
“So…who is she?” I ask in the foyer.
His eyes bug out and he holds his finger to his lips to keep me quiet.
I do a happy dance and silently cheer. “I do know her!”
Brandon ushers me outside and walks me down the driveway.
“Tell me. The anticipation is killing me.”
“It’s, Angie.” Brandon says after looking over his shoulder to ensure we’re alone.
I go through the list of people we may mutually know. “Who?”
“Angie. Well, Angela to people that don’t know her.” He holds my stare and the longer he does it clicks.
“Shut up!” I smack him on the arm. “Liam’s sister? Wow. Has your Dad even spoken to Mr. Taylor since the accident?”
Like I’m any better. While I wasn’t close to the Taylor’s, Liam was still James’s best friend. And to have your son taken from you unexpectedly, and in that way, has to put a strain on whatever friendship the parents had.
“I know. It just happened. And no, my dad hasn’t talked to Mr. Taylor since the accident.”
Something dawns on me. “How old is she? And how long have you two been seeing each other?”
“She’s twenty-one. And for about six months.”
“Nothing happened before, right?”
He looks at me like I’m insane.
“I’m just checking. Grief does weird things to people.”
“That it does,” Brandon agrees. “She wants us to tell our parents.”
I glance down the darkening neighborhood street as the sounds of cars passing on the road hum in the distance, breaking up the relative silence. “What do you want?”
“Em, I don’t even know. On one hand, it would be so easy to move away—start over where no one knows our story. And on the other hand, the weight of keeping this from the people we love is killing me.” Brandon paces between our driveways. His hands in his hair and tugging the strands tightly I fear he’ll rip them out.
“Do you love her?”
That question stops his pacing. “I shouldn’t. Her brother drove his truck into the back of an eighteen-wheeler taking my brother’s life with him. I’m nine years older than her. She’s still in college. So I shouldn’t. And yet, the more time we spent fighting against this attraction, the harder I fell.”
“How did you two…you know, come to be this?” I cross my arms and tuck my hands trying to keep them warm.
“I went into a bar for happy hour with some co-workers and she was there.”
My eyes widen and Brandon sees.
“What?”
I shake my head as his story and mine have some tiny similarities. “Just thinking–of something.”
“Something or someone?”
“This is your story, not mine. Back to it.” I scold him.
He snorts but continues. “When we walked in I saw her and immediately wanted to leave. Because how could I stay in a place, and be served drinks, by the girl whose brother took my brother’s life? And I know she had nothing to do with what Liam did. But I couldn’t separate the two, you know?”
“It’s misplaced anger. Or hatred in your case,” I interject.
“Don’t I know it. I planned to tell her off. But when she saw me approach her, her face dropped. And as I looked closer, at the girl under the skimpy assigned work outfit and the full face of makeup, I saw a girl who was still coping with the loss of her brother. Of the loss of her only sibling. And what kind of person would that make me if I chastised her for her only brother’s actions when I still had some of mine?”
I look at Brandon and see he too is still dealing with the loss of James.
“I went back to the bar a few days later and she was working again. I think she was more shocked I was there again than I was that I returned to her place of work. This went on for about a month until we finally spoke. And it was like the sound of her voice wrapped around my heart, kickstarting it into overdrive. So I stayed until the end of her work shift, followed her out to her car, and kissed her.”
I watch him process the past events of how they came to be. It’s a classic forbidden romance, and not just because of their age difference.
“I’m still friends with Kamryn.” I blurt out and his deer-in-the-headlights gaze locks on me. “I know. It would have been so much easier to cut her off. She was a painful reminder of that day. Because instead of grading papers and spending time with my fiance, we got called to go our separate ways to help them manage the fallout from their failing relationship. I stopped talking to her for a while. I stopped talking to everyone.
“The grief that I was attending his funeral instead of the elation over our wedding switched something in my psyche. So while I don’t know what it’s like to love someone that should be off-limits, I do know what it’s like to feel something for someone when you shouldn’t.”
We walk up the front walkway and sit on the steps in front of the door.
“You met someone?” Brandon asks.
“Yeah. I think I did.”
“Why do you sound so unsure?”
I look out across the lawn as I admit to Brandon what I’ve been feeling. “I feel like I’m not allowed to move on. Like I’m stuck in this purgatory of emotions and constantly in wait. Waiting for him to just walk through the door of our apartment with some sports stat. I think that’s what I miss the most. Him telling me something that had him bursting at the seams.” I turn to look at Brandon. “But this new guy, Adam, he’s the dad of one of my students. Older than me. I’m not sure how much older. But he’s the first guy my heart has jumped to since James and I am terrified.”
“Em, you know it’s okay to move on?”
I turn my head and look at Brandon. “I know. But saying it and doing it are two different things.”
“What a pair we are,” Brandon announces and slings his arm over my shoulder. We sit on the front steps watching the last bit of light fade from the sky. And as our breath puffs become visible our goodbye comes around.
“You and Angie should come and visit. I’m not sure how easy it will be to see her. But maybe Kamryn would like to see her.”
“Maybe,” Brandon muses.
With a kiss on my forehead, Brandon strolls across our yards and back into his house. When I hear the thud of the front door closing, I turn to go inside.
Maybe this trip wasn’t so bad. Emotionally I’m exhausted. But mentally I’ve never felt better.