45. Emily
Emily
W hen it’s summer break, I rarely check my teacher's email. But with a couple of weeks left of freedom, something niggled at me to do so.
Dear Ms. Bailey,
We hope you’re having an amazing summer break!
Due to staffing issues, Bennett Elementary School would like to offer you a third grade teaching position for the start of the school year. Should you accept, please report to the main office August 27, 2021 to pick up your new curriculum.
Offer details, including salary, are mentioned in the agreement that is attached to this email. Please go through the agreement and sign it accordingly.
We look forward to your acceptance and would love to have you as part of our third grade teaching staff.
Best regards,
Marlena Stukes
Cincinnati School Board Director
Third grade. That’s a big step. Sure I would love to move up and teach older minds. But I love teaching the younger ones and shaping their minds.
I pick up my phone to call Adam but stop. Since the night he asked me to move in, things have been off for us. He’s still as affectionate as ever. But I fear that my refusal put a small wall between us and that’s the furthest from what I want. I want us to continue on this path that we’ve set up for our relationship. However, I've been questioning all of my steps since James died and I don’t think I can go back to who I was then. Being with Adam has been a small bandaid on a larger issue that’s me.
The walls of my apartment feel like they’re closing in. I snatch my car keys off the counter and sprint out the door. I don’t have a true destination in mind. But when I park down the street from Kamryn’s office, I know she’s who I need to talk to.
I follow the familiar steps and open the door to her office. It really is a beautiful space and in an incredible location. I take the elevator up to her floor and enter mild chaos. Music hums from the hidden speakers, the sound of sewing machines a familiar sound, and through the glass walls of the conference room I see Kam conducting a meeting. My best friend is a badass.
She must see movement out of the corner of her eye and her gaze lights up. I don’t want to disturb her so I point in the direction of her office. I’ve always been envious of her office. With the view of downtown flanked by the baseball and football stadiums, I always wonder how she can get any work done.
The woosh of her office opening sends my focus to the door.
“This is a pleasant surprise,” she greets and hugs me when she gets to her desk.
Her grip loosens but I continue to hug her tighter.
“What’s wrong, Emmy?” I haven’t heard that nickname in so long that it brings a wave of emotions over me.
“Adam asked me to move in with him,” I tell her.
“What?” She asks and pulls away from me and this time I let her. “What did you say?”
I shrug and shake my head. “He’s shaken up by his ex-wife coming back into town. She wants both Dylan and Adam back. Adam went to his lawyer to see what might happen,” I explain and move to sit on her couch. “I think he asked me without thinking it through. That was our first misunderstanding and I thought we moved past it. But things have just been off for us.”
“Do you see yourself living with him and Dylan?”
I send a grateful smile as she hands me a bottle of water but I make no move to open it. “I do see myself living with them and we’ve been non-stop for the last three months, which is the next logical step. But again, with his ex, I think he was more scared than anything.”
“That’s not all is it?”
I can never get anything past Kamryn. Her observational skills when it comes to the people in her life are sharp.
I shake my head. “I got an email offering me a third grade teaching spot. And it’s so much change. The last time I dealt with so much change, I retreated. I lost half of myself and I finally got me back.”
“Do you think this change is terrifying because it could mean security?”
“What do you mean?”
Kamryn adjusts her position on the couch and turns, fully facing me. “When you were dating James, there was this surety about you. I’m not even sure you recognized it. But I did. I saw how every move was made with confidence. You may have thought something over for a few seconds, but your decision was firm when you came to it. When you lost James, that surety and security about you, left. And even with you dating Adam, I don’t think you ever got it back.”
“So you’re saying I need to find my own sense of surety and security before I can be sure and secure with Adam?”
“Emmy, I’m a failed psychology student. What do I know?” Kamryn jokes.
But something about what she’s said hits harder than it needed to.
Kam starts shaking her head. “Emily, don’t do something you’ll regret.”
My eyes fill with tears. “I think I have to.”
“You can work through what you need to with Adam by your side.”
“I don’t know if I can,” I say as the first tear slips down my face.
Kamryn scoots closer to me and hugs me to her side. The decision to let Adam, and subsequently Dylan, go is a painful choice that I have to make to find myself.
“I’m here whenever you need me,” Kamryn comforts me with a kiss on my head.
I got home from Kamryn’s office, drained. I paced in my living room, wearing a path in the area rug as I continued to war with myself. But ultimately, the healing side of me won out.
A knock on the door halts my movement. With a deep exhale, I walk to the door and open it to Adam.
“Hi, sunshine,” he greets with none of the usual pep in his voice.
This week has been tough on him. Added with a girlfriend who rejected your move in question, I have no clue how he’s coping.
“Hey. Come in,” I tell him and open the door wider.
I close and lock the door then walk past him and sit on the couch. He sits next to me and I’m taken back to the morning he made me pancakes. We were so timid around each other, well I was timid around him. If only we could go back and slow our progress.
“I don’t like this weirdness between us,” Adam breaks the silence.
My gaze lifts to his and his features fall seeing the unshed tears in my eyes. “I don’t either. But I don’t know how we can get past it without it hanging over our heads.”
“Baby, it’s no–” he starts, but I cut him off.
“So you don’t get the urge to ask me to move in every day? You don’t get a little upset that I turned you down?”
“Well, of course I do. But that’s normal for anyone who’s been rejected.”
“And can they move forward without the weirdness?”
His eyes fall to the floor and I know I’ve hit the mark. My heart is racing and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“Emily, I know what you’re about to do. Please, don’t do this.”
The unshed tears fall at hearing the pain in his voice. “Kamryn reminded me that when I was younger, I was so sure of myself. Every move I made was made with confidence. And along the way, I began to feel secure with who I surrounded myself with. After James, the confidence and security went away. Until I met you.”
Adam meets my tearful gaze. His beautiful forest green eyes that I love looking into aren’t as vibrant and I have myself to blame for that. “Are you saying you’re not confident or secure being with me?”
“I’m saying that I need to be confident and secure with myself first. And to do that, I have to make it without you. Just for a little while.” Those last words come out as a whisper. Because whether or not I find myself it’ll have to be without Adam.
“There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”
I shake my head as more tears fall. “I need to focus on the changes that are happening to me. And you need to focus on Dylan.”
He drops his head to the back of the couch. I wish, more than anything, that I could deal with changes like a normal person. But change has always made me run scared. I just hate that this change is making me run from Adam.
In the days following Adam leaving my apartment, I’ve cleaned my apartment from top to bottom three times. I’ve also been non-stop crying but let’s not talk about that.
A knock on the door stops me from scrubbing the shower in my guest bedroom. At least I think it’s a knock on the door so I go back to cleaning. Until I hear it again. Standing up, I whip off my cleaning gloves and walk to the front door. The knock on the door starts again and with a huff, I open the door.
All of the annoyance leaves my body when I see who’s on the other side. “Mom? Dad? What are you two doing here?”
“Kamryn called us,” my mom says as they step into my apartment. “Your best friend may still be a virtual stranger to us after all these years. But even through the phone, I can tell how much she loves you. And she told us that you might have broken up with Adam.”
My eyes water as I stand in front of my parents like a scorned child. “And what? You two thought you could give your parental advice. I never got that from you before.”
“And we will pay for that for the rest of our lives,” my dad says and looks at me with concern. “Emily, why did you break up with Adam?”
“Because I couldn’t handle it, okay?”
“Handle what, sweetheart?”
“Change! Okay? I can’t handle change!” I yell as the tears fall down my face. “I never handled it well as a kid and I clearly can’t handle it as an adult.”
“What’s changing, sweetheart?” My mom asks.
“Everything. Adam asked me to move in, he’s about to be in a custody battle with his ex-wife, and I got a third grade teaching offer. All of those came one after the other and it was like my system went into shutdown mode.”
My dad looks at me knowingly. “And you thought if you could eliminate two of those changes the third wouldn’t be so bad.”
My gaze falls to the floor and I nod like a child being punished.
“Emily, you are adaptable,” my mom starts as she holds my face in her smooth hands. “And maybe that’s on us for making that happen when you were a kid.” She wipes away the tears that won’t stop. “But running away from these changes won’t make them go away. They’ll still be there if you and Adam give it another shot.”
“What if I screwed it up?”
“Honey, he flew all the way to New York when you told him not to. If you asked, I’m sure he would be waiting once the changes ironed themselves out.”
My lips tremble as I remember the broken look on his face. “You didn’t see his face.”
“If it looks anywhere remotely close to what yours looks like I’m sure it’d be like looking in a mirror.”
I can’t even muster a smile. At that moment, I knew the decision I was making was a bad one. But at the time I was so sure it was the right one.