Chapter 20
ABEL
He’s looking at me like he… fuck. Like he loves me.
I can’t stand it.
I force my eyes away, and I stare down at the counter because when I look at him, I see much more than I should. More than I can. And when I do, I start playing crazy scenarios in my head, and I start caring about things that cannot possibly happen…
“Look at me,” he demands, and my breath gets caught in my throat. He doesn’t fucking get it. I can’t.
Looking at him makes me want to die in the best, most tragic way. Because I would—for him. And I think he knows it.
“Abel.”
I shake my head, refusing him, and swallow past the lump in my throat. Peris reaches across and drags his thumb over my jaw, across the stubble that has formed there, until he reaches my pulse point, which is just hammering away at this point.
“You’re nervous,” he states the obvious, and I almost snort. “Why?”
“Because you make me fucking nervous,” I snap.
“Nothing makes you nervous, Abel,” he says easily, and that makes me want to cry.
“Is that what you think?” I ask, finally looking up at him. When our eyes meet, I can finally breathe again, and it hurts. “You think I’m not affected by anything?”
Peris’s brows furrow. “You don’t act like it.”
“Well, of course, I don’t act like it. I’m good at pretending. But out of anything and everything in this world, you affect me like nothing else. You make me crazy, Peris.”
This makes his lips twitch, and I roll my eyes. “Crazy, huh?”
“Certifiable.”
“Good to know,” he muses, dragging his fingers over his lips as he contemplates.
“I’m sure it is,” I quip back, rolling my eyes as I pick up my mug to take a drink of the now tepid tea. But it’s still good, so I don’t care. Peris seems to have forgotten about his, so I tap his wrist to get his attention.
“What?”
“Your tea,” I remind him, and he just… looks at me. His golden-green eyes stare right into me, piercing me to the point I start to shift on my feet as I grow uncomfortable. “What the fuck are you staring at?” I snap, and finally, finally, he smirks, his face shifting into something less serious.
“I’m sitting in your apartment, drinking fucking tea,” Peris snipes, starting to laugh, and I raise a brow at him.
His laughs grow deeper and longer until eventually, he abandons his mug entirely and he’s bent over, clutching his stomach and laughing deeply and loudly.
I can’t help but join in, the sound of his laughter too contagious not to follow.
I’m not sure how long it goes on for, but by the time it begins to slow, my chest and stomach are aching, and my face hurts from smiling so hard. Tears are leaking down my face, and I swipe them away absentmindedly. “Oh, fuck,” I wheeze, clutching my stomach.
“We’re fucking crazy,” he concedes in a few short pants of breath, and I snort.
“Always have been.”
“I never thought…” he starts and then cuts himself off, and the tension in the room grows imperceptibly. I look past his head, unable to meet his eyes as the sick feeling returns to my stomach at the rapid changes happening in the conversation.
“Runt.”
“What?” I ask, voice quiet, honest to God afraid of what he could day.
His hands clutch the counter, knuckles turning white under the force. “What are we doing?”
I absorb his words, but I have no clue what to say. “I never know what we’re doing, baby boy.”
Peris sucks in a breath at my slip of his nickname, and I watch the muscles in his jaw flutter as he flexes them. “Sorry,” I mutter, knowing he hates it, even though it kills me.
“Don’t be,” he breathes out, and my heart stops—literally. I feel the harsh thump as it stops beating for the rush of two seconds.
I blow out a breath and blink rapidly against the sting in my eyes as I force myself to look away from him.
“I don’t know about you, but I am way too sober right now.
” I chuckle to try to lighten the mood, and then, I shove away from the counter, wincing at the scrape of the stool against the floor and make my way to the balcony.
“Abel,” Peris starts, but I ignore him as I rush outside and grab one of the roaches and light it. I only get one small hit before my arm is being jerked downward and I have an angry looking Peris glaring down at me.
“What?” I gripe, feeling indignant.
“Don’t,” is all he says, but it’s the way he says it that makes me pause. I look up into his shadowed eyes and see more than his flash of anger. I see hollow sadness and disappointment and it’s that, that makes me flick the roach over the rail with a sigh.
“All right,” I concede, and when I try to drop down into one of the chairs, Peris wraps his fingers around my bicep.
“Let’s go back inside to talk. It’s cold out here.”
I look down at his hand on me and back up at his face before sighing.
“Damn you for being so rational right now. I can barely even think straight,” I mutter but follow his prompt and move back inside, a little incensed I don’t even have a buzz to get through this inevitable conversation.
But Peris seems very fucking motivated for some reason.
When Peris makes it to the couch, he drops down onto it and looks up at me expectantly. I arch a brow and quirk my lips before sliding past him and moving toward my bed. I flop down on the messy, black sheets and sprawl out, getting comfortable on my belly as I face him.
When our eyes meet, he arches a brow, and I purse my lips but don’t say anything.
“Good idea,” he finally acquiesces. “It’s probably smart to keep some distance.”
“Can’t keep your hands off me, huh?”
“No,” he admits, and my heart stutters.
“Right…” I trail off, staring at him. Who is this person, and what has he done with Peris Baxter?
“I want you, Abel. And I think you want me, too.” I swallow thickly. “But there’s a lot—and probably too much—shit between us that I don’t know how to get through.”
“To say the least,” I mutter, shaking my head.
“Don’t be a smartass with me right now, runt,” he snaps, hands clasped together between his bent knees.
I freeze, lips curling inward. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’m just…” He blows out a breath, and it causes some of the waves across his forehead to dislodge themselves. “I want to have a conversation.” He seems to spit the words out between clenched teeth, and I want to laugh. He looks constipated.
“A conversation… about…”
“Us.”
“Us…”
“Are you just going to keep repeating everything I fucking say, or do you have anything to contribute?” he snaps, and I rear back. Someone’s feeling vulnerable.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, to be honest.”
“The fucking truth would be nice.”
“I’ve been truthful. I don’t know why we have to have a whole obvious sit-down for it right now.”
“Because we need to lay everything out and have clear boundaries or what the fuck ever.”
“Who told you this? Gabe?” I almost snort imagining it.
“Ma, actually,” he admits, and my blood runs cold. I rush to sit up, feeling sick to my stomach.
“You talked to Elise about this?”
“Of course, I did, Abel.” He says it like I’m stupid.
“I just…” Fuck. “I didn’t realize…”
“She still loves you, you know.” And I lose it.
Tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision, and they spill over before I can control it.
I feel their tracks down my cheeks in hot, shameful paths.
I try to swipe them away, but the next ones come just as fast, and I can’t fight it.
The pain in my chest is too much to battle, and a silent sob works its way through me, and I double over on myself, clutching my middle as the pain eats at me.
I blink, and arms are wrapping around me, hauling me against a warm, strong body, and I lose my shit.
I clutch Peris tightly against me, uncaring that I’m sobbing and probably getting snot all over his shirt.
“Baby, shh. It’s okay.” That only makes me cry harder, and I bury my nose in his chest, breathing him in until all I can smell is the spice and warmth of his deodorant and cologne.
Peris runs his fingers through my hair in soft, gentle strokes as he softly hushes me and lets me cry against him.
I’m not sure how long we lie there, but eventually, my sobs slow into powerful hiccups that rock us both on the mattress. “Fuck,” I breathe out eventually, and Peris chuckles.
“Who knew me mentioning Ma would finally get an emotional response out of you.”
“Fuck you,” I snap but without any real heat. “You know how your mom is.”
Peris sighs. “Yeah, I do. I barely talked to her for two years myself,” he admits, and I gasp.
“Peris!”
“I know,” he says warily, still holding me tight against him so I can’t look at his face, but I feel his slight tremble in his hold. “I wasn’t in a good place. I’m still not, really. But I just…”
“Couldn’t,” I finish for him, and I feel him nod.
“Yeah.”
“But you’re talking now, right?”
“Yes.”
“And she’s okay?”
His fingers tighten in my hair for just a moment. “Yes, Abel, she’s fine.”
“Good. That’s good.” I swallow against the lump in my throat as I admit the truth. “I miss her. And you.”
“I’m right here.”
“And yet, you’re so far away.”
Peris doesn’t say anything for a while, and I think this is it.
I’ve ruined it. “Maybe I don’t have to be,” he rasps eventually, and I force myself to pull my face away from the warmth of his chest to stare up at him.
His eyes are open, no longer guarded, and I want to fall into them so fucking badly…
Would that really be such a bad thing?
What’s the worst that could happen?
We’ve already been through the worst, haven’t we? The pain and agony of lies and separation. What if now is the time for us… if only I could just…
“What do you want from me?” I ask him, feeling painfully vulnerable, but I need to ask because I know it’s not just me. I know he needs something specific.
Peris’s tongue flicks out to wet his slightly chapped lips, and I follow the motion greedily with my eyes. “I want your truth. All of it.”
“All of it?” I croak. That’s too much for anyone to bear. I’ve already given him too much.