Chapter 22
ABEL
My nerves are shot.
I don’t think I can do this.
“You look like you’re about to throw up,” Peris says conversationally, and Gabriel snorts. I shoot them both a deadly glare and adjust my shirt for the umpteenth time.
“You look good, Abel. Quit stressing.”
“Fuck you,” I snap at Peris.
“Yes. That’s the spirit,” Gabe deadpans, and I bare my teeth. “You’re so on edge. It’s just Elise.”
“‘Just Elise,’ he says,” I mutter. “Like that doesn’t mean fucking everything. Like I didn’t ruin her life.”
“Technically, if anyone ruined her life, it would’ve been—oof.” I look between the both of them and glare.
“I know who you’re talking about. You don’t have to be so secretive anymore,” I snap.
“Sorry, habit.” Peris shrugs sheepishly, and I can’t help but walk over and give him a soft kiss on the lips.
“Awe, don’t you two look so cozy.”
“Elise!” Gabe chimes, and I yank away from Peris like I got burned—or I try to, but he holds onto me.
“Peris…” I hiss, but he won’t let me go.
“We have nothing to hide anymore, Abel. Just… let me.” And when I look up into his eyes and see the soft sincerity there, I fall into it because how can I not?
“Fine.”
“Good boy.” I flush from head to toe. Then, I pull back and smack his arm.
“Don’t!” I hiss, and this time when I pull away, he lets me with a warm chuckle.
“Hey, Ma.”
“Hey, baby. It’s good to see you.” Peris pulls Elise in for a hug, and I’m left standing off to the side feeling awkward and out of place.
When they finally end their embrace, all eyes turn to me, and I feel exposed.
“Abel…” Elise chokes out, and I lose it. Tears fill my eyes, and I rush forward and wrap my arms around her. She welcomes me easily, and I fall into her hug like I was always meant to.
“Hey, doc,” I sniffle against her, and she chuckles.
“Oh, how I’ve missed you!” she sing-songs and squeezes me so tightly, I can barely breathe, but that’s okay. I don’t mind.
“I’ve missed you,” I croak. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to tell you how much or what to do to—”
“Abel, hush. There’s nothing you need to do or say. It’s okay. We’re here now, and that’s all that matters.” She runs her fingers through my still slightly damp hair as she hushes my hysterics. And it feels good. To be held by her. By a mom. By someone who cares like a mom.
I never had that before her, and I’ll never have another.
When we finally pull apart, I realize that the boys have left us alone in the kitchen, which I’m grateful for. I pull out a chair and take a seat. Elise gives me a small smile and follows suit. I clasp my hands in front of me and drop my head, unable to meet her eyes.
“I don’t know how to thank you for everything, but mostly, I don’t know how to apologize to you.”
“Abel—”
“No, please let me say this.”
“All right,” she concedes with a smile, and I nod, grateful.
“I didn’t have a choice. I know it seems like I did and that I made the wrong one, and maybe now, with hindsight being twenty-twenty and all that, but back then, it was the only choice I had, and I can’t regret it. It brought me to where I’m at now, and I love where I am.”
Elise nods, a small, painful smile gracing her face. It’s hard to see—the way stress has aged her in the last two years. I really hope it hasn’t been because of me.
“It was a really hard and confusing time for the both of us, but I understand. Right now, I’m just glad you’re okay. And that you’re here now.” She reaches across the table for my hand, and I give it to her.
With a small smile, I say, “Me, too.”
“Thank you.”
“For what?” I ask, brows drawn together.
“Coming back to him. He was lost without you.” My heart stutters hearing those words, and for a moment, I can’t really breathe.
“I was, too,” I croak.
Her eyes crinkle at the corners, and she tucks a strand of her brown hair behind her ear. “Good.”
“Are you talking about me?” Peris says as he stomps into the kitchen, Gabe on his heels.
“Nope.” I pop the p. “You wish, though.”
“I’m fucking starving,” Gabe says, following closely behind Peris as he opens the oven, and I snort. “It smells so good. Is it done?”
“Get off my ass,” Peris snaps at Gabe, who retreats back a few steps. “Yes, it’s done.”
“Fuck yes!”
“Jesus!” Peris shouts as the ham wobbles in his hands. “Do you mind?!”
“Sorry!”
I look over at Elise, who’s already grinning back at me. “Boys,” I say, shaking my head. She snorts and tries to cover it with her hand, but Peris catches it right after he drops the pan on the stove top.
“What was that, runt?”
“Nothing?” I pose it like a question, and he narrows his eyes.
“Mhm. Bring Ma’s mac and cheese over and grab a spoon.”
“Why?” I ask, even as I do exactly as I’m told.
“Because you’re going to help.”
And that’s exactly what I do. I help Gabe get the table set up, while Elise and Peris finish getting the food ready.
Their roommate, Michael, is with his family, so it’s just us, which is nice.
Once everything is in place, we all find a spot at the small table—Peris and I sitting right next to each other, with Elise across from me, and Gabe across from Peris.
“Well, dig in,” Peris grunts after he’s sat down, and Gabe doesn’t waste any time shoveling food onto his plate.
Elise giggles, and I follow suit, watching the pile grow.
“Well, save some for the rest of us, dick.” Peris must kick Gabe under the table because he yelps and nearly drops his plate. It clatters to the table.
“Fuck off. I’ve been smelling this all day! Who knew you could cook, Baxter,” Gabriel snipes.
“Only ‘cause of Ma,” he replies earnestly, and I watch Elise grin with pride. And it’s nice.
Lovely even.
To be here now. With them. With this family. And to finally feel like I belong.
It’s fucking boring not having anything to do while Peris is gone.
All I do is visit Mo and get high. Which is nice, don’t get me wrong. I’m having a great time, but I’m crawling out of my fucking mind with boredom when I’m alone—like I am right now.
Peris is in class again since winter break is over, and he has practice after school, and there is absolutely nothing for me to do except lie here and stare at the fucking sky as I bring the joint to my lips and suck in the burning, earthy aroma.
I wrap my coat tighter around myself and shift on my ass, which is now completely numb, as snowflakes flutter around carelessly, some sticking in my hair in their escape. I run my fingers through said hair to dislodge them before shaking my head and dropping my chin to my knees.
I blow warm air onto my legs, which only causes goosebumps to form along my skin and does fuck all to actually warm me, but then, I reach the end of my joint and I stub it out in the ashtray, no more eager to go inside now than I was when I first stepped outside.
There’s just something about being out here, looking out over the cityscape, that calms me.
To physically see that I made it. I made it out of the shitty town, and I’m finally here. All on my own.
I fucking did this shit. Albeit it wasn’t perfect, and I fucked up a lot on the way, but still. And I have Peris now, too—and have had for over a month now without any serious blow ups.
How much better could life get right now?
I honestly don’t think I can top this.
And I don’t want to.
My phone rings, startling me, and I drop my joint to the ground. “Shit,” I hiss as I scramble to pick it up. I drop it in the ashtray and swipe to answer when I see my baby boy’s name flashing on the screen.
“Hey.”
“Hey, baby,” Peris says so easily, and my heart flutters in my chest like a fucking teenager.
“What’s up?” I squeak out, and he chuckles into the line.
“Nothing much.” I hear the wind blowing into the receiver. “Just in between classes and figured I’d give you a call. You coming over tonight?”
The stupid, useless fucking muscle in my chest won’t give it a rest. “Sure,” I croak and swallow the lump that has formed. I’m pathetic.
Absolutely and completely useless and pathetic—
“Abel?”
“What?”
“I asked you a question.”
“What?”
“I asked if you were okay?”
I swallow. “I’m fine.”
“What’s going on?” he demands, and I can’t lie.
Not to him.
Not anymore.
It’s all or nothing.
“I miss you.” Because while it’s not the whole truth, it says enough, and I think, maybe, hopefully, he’ll understand.
“I miss you too, runt. How about if I come over after practice tonight?” His feet scrape on the sidewalk.
I drop my head back onto the cold, metal chair with a silent groan. I wish. “No, it’s okay. I’ll meet you at your place. I’m gonna visit Mo in a little bit, and I don’t know when I’ll be back. Don’t want you waiting on me.”
A pause. “All right, if you’re sure.”
I nod, even though he can’t see it. “I am.”
“Just let me know when you make it safe, okay?”
“You do have my location now, you know…” I remind him cheekily, and he scoffs.
“That doesn’t fucking matter. I asked you to do something.”
“Yes, sir.”
He pulls in a hissing breath, and I almost laugh. Almost. “Abel, don’t you fucking dare start with me right now.”
“Sorry, sorry,” I say, even though I’m clearly not.
“Yeah, no, you’re fucking not,” Peris hisses, and I laugh. And it’s amazing to feel this good.
I’m standing outside Peris’s place after visiting with Mo, and I know I should go in, but I just can’t bring myself to—the guilt is too much.
I gave up working. The security I had with that was for Mo, and I just gave it up. To what? Have a fucking relationship I’m not even sure is going to last?
What did I do?
Did I make a mistake?
“I can hear you thinking all the way inside.”
I jolt out of my skin at the sound of Peris’s voice. I whirl to face him and flush at the direction of my thoughts. Thankfully, it’s dark enough outside he won’t be able to tell, but I can feel the heat, and that makes me feel even more ashamed—more proof.
“Sorry,” I mutter and cross my arms over my chest, needing to feel closed and tied off and… I don’t know.
“What are you thinking?” he asks, and I shake my head.