CHAPTER TEN
ZINZI
D ex wasn’t coming, just like he promised.
At least, not with me.
I waited at home on my Friday night for over two hours, pining until Margot called in what should have been the middle of my fuck fest, her usual self completely okay with being ignored while I got Dex out of my system right up until I bawled all over her through the phone instead.
Less than an hour later she had me topped up with tequila, primped and primed with an amount of makeup I’d have to chisel from my face come tomorrow morning, and dressed in a little red beaded number that barely covered my butt cheeks and shimmered to purple whenever I moved.
“I never even got to wear it,” Margot mourned, sipping her oversized espresso vodka from a Rippton U branded tumbler. Then her expression brightened. “But fuck him. Let's make you the wet dream of every student on campus.”
With that goal in mind, I let her drag me from each sorority party to the next dorm, and finally to the Kingsman’s house. Their current branding still stood proud against the architraves. I swore, in my tipsy state, that I would fix that listing lion with its frazzled mane before the end of semester, or bust.
The night passed me in a blur for a period until I found myself leaning against one wall of the house, inside the frat party trying not to think of what might have been done against said wall in the past and attempted to blend in.
Spoilers: I failed.
Horrifyingly.
Not only did I not manage to blend in, but I blended so poorly that after my roomie tried to drag me out onto the impromptu and alcohol fueled dance floor, knocking back three approaches from frat boys and one girl who wandered up to us both with a kissy face—kudos to Margot; the dress worked —I found myself nose-to-nose with the Lord of the All.
AKA Nelson Milton, complete with a private boy’s school blazer that he didn’t attend and a sporting powder blue bowtie. Combined with shiny black patent shoes, tan slacks ironed within an inch of their lives and a pompadour hairstyle that might have gone out of style sometime in the last century—not the nineteen hundreds—he managed to pull it all off in a sexy, I’ll never hurt you, Lass, type of way.
The Earl of Nothingness—self-proclaimed, not my words—watched me sway on my chosen patch of soggy carpet in my borrowed heels with a careful eye.
“Are you going to stand there all night, you Brit perv?” I nudged his thigh with my knee playfully to take the edge off my words, forgetting I wore a skirt for the first time in God only knew how long.
Highschool, probably. I blamed the tequila and my roommate as I smoothed the beaded material nervously, ducking to hide behind my hair curtain as he returned my scrutiny.
Not that I was uncomfortable with Nelson. I’d become more than familiar with both him and Falcon in the last months, working with them side by side. Thankfully, neither of them slacked off, though I suspected that last was because of some unspoken threat that came direct from Dex. Even if we weren’t speaking, he still made an effort to protect me.
The suffocation factor doubled.
“He thought I might find you here.” Nelson brought up the beast not in the room and bestowed me with his sweetest smile all at once, throwing a pair of the cutest dimples my way.
He was seriously gorgeous, if you were into that sort of thing.
I needed far more grit, and maybe a few bruises to make it all work for me, but hey, I got it. Nelson looked like he hadn’t taken a single punch in his life. Or done anything with his hands. There were girls who liked that kind of thing, I guessed.
I kinda liked rough fingers. And grit. And ink. And broken things.
Which brought me back to Dex.
The very missing Dex from my bed who broke our agreement and my rules, which made me super snappy, especially when my shitty mood was paired with tequila.
“He who?” I shot back at Nelson, but with no heat.
We both knew who he meant.
“Pet.” Nelson looked at me sorrowfully. He trailed a hand down my face and leaned forward. “He’s loitering behind the pillar, lamenting the fact he brushed you off today like the natural asshole he is. Wanna bring out the beast?” His gray eyes sparkled with undiluted mischief.
Perhaps the Lord of Nothing at All is more interesting than I gave him credit for.
I grinned at his sassy, toyboy smile. “You’re on.”
“You’re not going to ask what I had in mind?” He pressed a hand over his heart and stumbled. “I’m mortally wounded, milady.”
“You’re a giant flirt is what you are, Lord Nelson.” I flipped my hair and laughed at his theatrics, my chest loosening enough that I managed to breathe for the first time in hours.
Since I realized Dex had blown me off.
I’ll blow something, but it won't be you, baby.
The concept of revenge, no matter how petty, spurred me on.
“Call me that between the sheets and I’ll rise to full mast for you.” Nelson wiggled his eyebrows until his pompous hair flopped boyishly over his eyes.
I burst out laughing as he leaned both arms above me, resting his forearms either side of my head to cage me in against my chosen section of wall. Maybe the Lord of Nothingness has more muscle than I expected. Who knew what a knit vest, a good bow tie, and a blazer could hide?
The mood between us sobered in an instant. I crooked one leg against the wall, tilting my head back. Who’s the fucking flirt here?
But teasing Dex—when he either walked away still wanting me or didn’t want me at all—with a man he knew was all too tempting.
I trailed my tongue across my bottom lip, watching Nelson’s pupils dilate as his gaze followed the motion.
“Pity this is only a one-time thing,” he murmured. “Mourn my loss, Zinzi. He’ll tan my hide for touching you.”
Dex.
Guilt slapped me face first as my tequila-addled brain realized what we were about to do and what a really bad idea this was for both of us.
He cancelled everything. He didn’t turn up.
Did that mean we had broken up? Were we ever together? I didn’t remember making that agreement with him. We were fuck buddies, then I was nursing him—under duress, and he hosted a group project at a place not of my choosing—also under duress, because his housemates seemed to coerce me into working with them.
So, we were never really together. Had we ever broken up?
Does it matter?
My head argued it didn’t. My heart hurt like hell. And then Nelson’s mouth was on mine, and all choice was removed from the equation. I didn’t have a chance to push him for more.
The Lord of the Moment dove in like he planned on devouring me, but in reality he kept his kiss light, a gentle pressure of lips on lips, grazing over each other in an undeniably intimate touch. He tasted like hops and lime, whatever fruity craft beer he’d been drinking. When his tongue lightly probed the seam of my lips, I parted them, giving him permission.
Then I found out what kissing a Lord was really like.
One hand cupped the back of my head, his other firm on my jaw, angling me the way he wanted as his tongue danced along mine. I shivered, remembering this was all to tease Dex, to show him what he didn’t have right now. But I couldn't help thinking how lucky the girl would be who Nelson kissed like he truly loved her.
The man must be a mini-God on the sorority girl campus circuit. I promised myself I'd find out if his bed game was as good as his tongue game.
After that I never found out more as cold air met my lips because when I reached for him, my hands came up empty.
Well, empty at first.
Then my palms hit a hard chest, tangling in a shirt that elicited a scent of sin and sweat that I knew better than anything else.
“Dex,” I whispered, my voice too soft to be heard over the thumping house music.
My eyes cracked open, lazy like I’d been kissing him instead of his friend, to find the man I loved to hate not to date most staring back at me with unyielding eyes.
Why Nelson or I thought teasing this deadly, obsessive man would be fun, I had no idea.
We made a really big mistake.
“Dex, mate. We were about to come looking for you.” Nelson narrowed his eyes at me over Dex’s shoulder before the man in question turned on his friend and Nelson’s smile widened, his expression guileless in the face of impending doom. “She tastes good. Want to share?”
I shook my head frantically as Nelson touched his lips that were stained red with the remnants of my lip gloss. When he held that finger out to Dex I groaned, closing my eyes. I didn't need to watch what happened next to know the first thump heralded Dex’s fist connecting with Nelson’s aristocratic nose, and the second was his roommate hitting the Kingsman’s floor.
Then I was yanked away from the door and dragged through the crowd that parted before us without question. His face must have been terrible, because not a single soul questioned Dex, or offered to halt his path. I sent up a singular prayer for Nelson’s continued existence as I plucked at the steel-like fingers wrapped around my wrist.
“Dex—” I gasped, stumbling a little as the copious amount of tequila Margot poured into me before we hit the Friday night frat parties left me dizzier with every stride that exceeded the natural length of my own.
“Not a fucking word,” Dex snapped at me over his shoulder.
If his words didn’t shut me up, the abject betrayal and hurt laced in his tone did.
The last time I spoke to him, I hurt him, too.
I hung my head and let him tow me out of the party after that without a word. Fresh, chill air brushed my cheeks as he drew me out through the front door, but we didn’t stop there. Dex’s rough grip slipped from my arm. His thumb massaged the spot where he had gripped me firm but not too tight a moment before and trailed to my hand, closing his fingers around my fingers.
A question was in that touch that I wasn’t sure either of knew the answer to right then. A question he’d been seeking an answer for over the last weeks.
I wasn’t any more ready to provide him with what he sought tonight than I had been earlier in the week or any of the weeks I came to his house to care for him. My heart beat a faint staccato in my chest, like it, too, held out hope that I'd find something I knew I couldn't give. His thumb brushed over my wrist in gentle caress so different to his dominating nature that his touch drew my heart into my throat.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again, choking on the apology for wanting to hurt him.
For wanting revenge at being lonely and missing him when I was the one who pushed him away in the first place.
Seeing the pain in his eyes put everything into perspective. He walked away from me because I couldn't give him what he wanted, and in revenge I gave away what he claimed. We might pretend to hate each other, but somewhere along the line the H-word turned into the unspoken L-word…and I missed that.
Or maybe I just couldn't accept that he loved me and what that might mean that I would have to commit to. What scared me so much when he was right in front of me the entire time.
But the way he touched me now, the tightness in his features as he stared at my just-kissed lips, only not by him…that hurt more than anything else.
I betrayed him, and now he might never want to come back.
Dex drew me into a shadowy area away from the house and paused next to an ancient oak. Its trunk was wider than his oversized shoulders. A flick of his wrist, and I found my back pressed against its thick girth. The rough bark caught on the beaded dress, sending red glitter pinging in all directions as my skirt rode up.
His hand clamped down on my hip in a possessive move that left me panting. A breath later, he crowded my space. His hands released me to cup my face as his thighs pressed to mine, his fathomless, tortured gaze seeking answers in my own.
“Why did you do it? Because it hurt when I wasn’t there? Or did you just have a tantrum and decide I wasn’t worth your time anymore? That we aren’t worth it?” He shot question after question at me, not waiting for answers we both knew I wouldn’t give him anyway. “You asked about sharing one time. Is that what you want? What do I need to do to keep you, Zin? Offer you what Falcon has?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to throw his words back at him, to say that there was no we and never had been. But that wasn’t the truth, and if this was the last time he touched me, then he deserved my shredded version of honesty, and everything that I'd been hiding from myself behind a veil of lust while I fell in love by accident.
“I made a mistake,” I whispered, staring up at his hard face, the way his gaze searched mine until I trembled in his hands under his intensity, knowing he could be so much worse, but wasn’t. What did that mean? “I hurt when you didn’t come back. I mean, I know it’s my fault—” My apology fractured when he made a feral, violent sound through his teeth. I closed my eyes and pushed on, regardless. “You’re right. I wanted you to hurt too. But I wanted to get a reaction, anything out of you for leav—” I choked on a sob, my cheeks cold and coated in salt and regret. “For abandoning me. Because this is what I didn’t want, Dex. I didn’t want to care.” I shoved at his chest as his face blurred. “I didn’t want to fall for– for–”
Dex watched me flounder on in silence, and this unspeaking version of him was worse than if he’d yelled curses at me.
“You,” I finished in a whisper.
No amount of tequila could numb the pain that sliced through me at that last admission. I'd tried to hide my truth from him and myself when I'd lied to both of us in saying I hated him. I didn’t get attached because it hurt, but here we were, not attached by omission, and it hurt all the same. Far too much.
Dex, the Heart Breaker. Just like I expected when I made the rules so he wouldn’t stay, and I wouldn’t end up like this.
Again.
I leaned my head back against the tree, my eyes closed to avoid dealing with the raw turmoil roiling behind his eyes.
“Nu-uh, Zin. You look at me when you apologize. I need to know that you hurt as bad as I do right now,” he grated the words out through white lips. “I need to know if your games are finished.”
If we are finished.
He didn’t say it, and neither did I. There was a finality to those words. Forming them felt too real, like maybe we couldn't take them back if either one of us said them. I shook my head, opening my eyes like he demanded, but instead of looking at him, I stared up into the underside of the oak’s broad canopy.
Because I couldn't bear to look at him only to see my own fears reflected back at me. Right now that brought reality too close.
I wanted to go back to kissing the Lord of Nothingness in the party and pretending we could do what we wanted. I wanted to be a drunk wallflower who nobody saw. I wanted to be the girl with the broken heart, hiding from the man she thought wasn’t looking for her, because anything was better than this.
No you don’t .
Or I could keep lying to myself like I had for the last two and a half years since I first met Dex and fell head over heels for him when I pretended I didn’t.
“Seeing someone else kiss you fucking ripped my soul apart. No one else should taste you like I do. But if you want to hurt, baby, then I can provide that.” Dex’s thumbs brushed away my tears, his warm breath so close it dried the tracks on my cheeks. “Close your eyes, Zin, and feel .” His mouth slanted over mine, he kissed me, hard and deep and all the things that Dex was.
But this was…different. Not rough, not playful. His touch was possessive, knowing me. But also asking a question.
I knew the answer, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.
Even if it meant this was our last kiss.
His tongue tasted every part of my mouth, denying the touch of another man, erasing Nelson’s fake kiss as he replaced it with one of his own, though nothing about Dex was fake. It never had been. He was the real thing, no matter how many times I denied that to myself and to him. He saw it. He knew, and he tried so hard to tell me.
But I kept running. Because I’d been hurt, and I never wanted to be owned. Having someone consider me their possession terrified me, right up until the moment when I thought I lost Dex, and he showed me exactly what I was missing in denying him those sleepovers, breakfasts, morning cuddles meant. The dates he begged me to share.
The lunches. Walks.
My knees buckled as Dex drew away, my back sliding down the length of the ancient trunk until my butt hit the cold, unforgiving ground with no knowing hands to hold me up.
Because when I opened my eyes, Dex was gone and the only familiar figure I recognized was Nelson loping across the frat house yard. His pale gray eyes were tired, and an icepack was pressed to his jaw. He slid down the trunk next to me, offering a comfort I couldn’t take because he wasn’t the man I wanted.
I turned my head to the side, curled my knees to my chest, and let my heart break beneath the shadow of a tree who stood firm at my back.
I just wished it was Dex instead.