Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Daylight vs. Shadows
Sawyer
The barn was quiet except for the crush of hay under my boots and the sound of Grace tearing into her feed. King pawed the floor of his stall like he owned the place, ears flicking until I dropped his share.
“Impatient bastard,” I muttered, sliding the door shut.
That’s when headlights swung across the yard, washing over the barn doors. A car rolled to a stop out front—not a truck, not one of the guys—a small sedan.
I leaned out the doorway, wiped my hands down my jeans, and let out a sharp whistle. Her head snapped up through the windshield.
“I’m down here at the stable,” I called, voice carrying across the drive.
The door opened, and Lilly stepped out. The sight of her hit me in the chest before I could brace for it. She crossed the yard with that same mix of determination and nerves she always wore around me—chin up, steps steady, but her fingers twisted tight in the strap of her bag. No Sunny in the car.
Just Lilly.
I tipped my head toward her, keeping my tone easy. “Didn’t you cancel on me last night? Said you had a headache. Figured it was one of those… women things.”
Her mouth curved, quick and faint. “Guess I’m better today.”
I gestured toward the back porch and followed her up the path. My eyes caught what I shouldn’t—yoga pants and a loose sweatshirt, casual as hell, but on her it worked like armor and temptation rolled into one.
The porch light caught the curve of her hips, the faint line of a thong beneath the fabric. I told myself to look away, but the sway in her walk made it damn near impossible. She had to know I saw. Maybe she wanted me to.
Heat hit low in my gut, sharp and fast, and I clenched my jaw, dragging my gaze back to the steps. Monique’s voice was still in my head, cutting through the haze: Connection is built in daylight, not in the shadows.
I forced myself to double down, nodding toward the swing. “Let’s sit.”
She glanced at me. “We have to talk,” she said, but there wasn’t much conviction in her voice; it was more like she was trying to convince herself.
We sat side by side, space between us, the night buzzing with crickets. The air was warm, carrying the faint smell of hay from the barn and the scent from the Lodge Pole Pines surrounding the ranch.
She was the first to break the quiet. “Marianne picked up her order today. She loved everything. Said it was perfect.” Her voice softened. “I couldn’t have done it without Emma, though.”
I nodded, gazing at the yard. “It seems you always figure it out.”
She gave a quick laugh. “Yeah, well. Barely. But… thanks for offering to pick me up the other night. I didn’t want to leave my car again. I just—” She paused, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I just needed to see you.”
The words landed heavier than I expected. Needed. Not wanted. Needed.
But then her smile faded, and the tone shifted. “Sawyer… I don’t know if this—whatever this is—is healthy. I can’t keep pretending only nights matter.”
Her hands betrayed her, knotting in her lap.
The words cut because I’d been thinking the same damn thing. Nights with her felt alive, like someone had thrown a rope to pull me out of the dark. But come morning, all I gave her was silence and absence.
I wanted to tell her about Monique, about the shadows that chewed me up and spat me out, about how fear wrapped around my chest every time I thought about giving her more. But the words stuck in my throat.
So I reached for something else. Something safer.
“Grace,” I said, nodding toward the barn. “She’s the one steady thing I’ve got.”
Lilly’s eyes softened, curious.
“And you’ve got Sunny,” I added. “Maybe next time… we ought to take them out together. A walk, a ride. Something.”
Her lips parted, surprise flickering there, then she smiled—small, but real. “That sounds… nice.”
It wasn’t a promise, but it was more than I’d ever offered her before. And judging by the way she relaxed into the seat, it mattered.
I sat there beside her, fighting the urge to reach out, to tip her chin up and kiss her until the talking stopped. But for once, I held back.
Maybe Monique was right. Maybe a healthy relationship had to start in the daylight.
We sat quietly for a while, the evening breeze filling the gaps between us. Lilly’s hands clasped together in her lap, her eyes fixed on the mountains in the distance, like she was working up the nerve to say something. I beat her to it.
“How’s the shop holding up?” I asked, keeping it casual. “Sounds like Marianne gave you a hell of a workout this week.”
She smiled faintly. “Yeah, she did. But it all came together.”
“Does it usually get that busy?”
Her smile faltered. She picked at a loose thread on her sweatshirt. “Sometimes.”
That was it. One word, clipped short, like she’d closed a door before I could even knock. Something in her voice told me there was trouble she wasn’t ready to share. I could’ve pushed, but the stiffness in her shoulders warned me not to.
I nodded, letting it drop, even though the thought lodged itself deep.
She shifted in the swing and turned to me. “Why did you leave before I woke up the other day?”
The question came out soft, but it landed hard. I rubbed a hand over my jaw, buying myself a second. “Didn’t think you wanted me underfoot in the morning.”
Her brow furrowed. “That’s not an answer.”
I blew out a breath, stared past the porch rail into the night.
“Mornings are… different for me. Nights, I can keep it locked down. But mornings—” I cut off, teeth grinding.
“Back in Mosul, that’s when most of the hits came.
Dawn patrols. House raids. Guys getting caught half-awake.
You stop sleeping easy after that. You stop… staying.”
The words felt raw, like I’d hauled them up from somewhere I didn’t let anyone look.
Lilly’s face softened. She didn’t push further. Just whispered, “Sawyer.”
Something in the way she said my name cracked me wide open.
I leaned closer without meaning to, caught by the pull of her eyes. She didn’t lean back. Our mouths brushed, tentative at first, then firmer, the kiss deepening until restraint went out the window.
Heat roared through me. Her hand slid up my chest, fingers fumbling with the first button of my shirt. I groaned and cradled the back of her neck, kissing her harder.
In one move, I lifted her from the swing, her legs tightening around my waist as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She gasped against my mouth, the sound undoing me completely.
The porch door banged open against the frame as I carried her inside. Her hands worked at my shirt, buttons slipping free under her touch. Mine slid over her hips, tracing the line I’d tried not to notice on the walk up.
I told myself I’d hold back, that tonight had to be different. But with her mouth on mine and her body pressed close, every thought burned away but one:
I wasn’t letting her go.
Not tonight.
The door had barely clicked shut before we landed on the couch, tangled in heat and urgency. Lilly straddled me, her sweatshirt shoved up, exposing her bare breasts, small and perfect in the dim light.
Her yoga pants and thong lay crumpled beside my jeans and shirt on the floor. I enjoyed the sight of her naked body, all curves and shadows, as she positioned herself above me.
"I need you inside me," she whispered, her voice thick with desire.
“Hold on a sec. I have rules.” I leaned over and grabbed a foil package from the wallet in my jeans and rolled it on.
I was so hard, aching for her as she guided me to her entrance. The slick heat of her made me groan as she sank down, taking me inch by inch until I was buried deep. Her hips rocked over me, slow at first, then faster, every roll dragging me under.
I gripped her waist, let her set the pace, my fingers digging into her soft flesh. My mouth found her breast, tongue circling her nipple until it hardened against my lips. She arched her back, pushing herself deeper onto me, her breath coming in ragged gasps.
"God, Sawyer," she moaned, her nails scraping down my chest, leaving trails of fire in their wake.
She rode me like she needed it as bad as I did, hair spilling around her face, eyes locked on mine. I thrust up to meet her, our bodies slapping together in a rhythm that turned fevered, wild—the pressure built at the base of my spine, coiling tighter with each movement.
"I'm close," she panted, her inner walls clenching around me.
I reached between us, my thumb finding the spot that made her cry out. Her movements became erratic, desperate.
"Come for me," I growled against her neck, tasting the salt of her skin.
She shattered first, her body seizing around me as she called my name. Watching her coming undone pushed me over the edge, and my head fell back against the cushions with a guttural groan I couldn't hold down.
Release ripped through us, sharp and consuming, leaving her collapsing against my chest, heartbeat slamming in time with mine. For a long stretch, all I could do was hold her there, both of us catching air while the room slowly came back into focus.
This was usually the part where the silence pressed in. Where she’d pull away, or I would. But tonight, neither of us moved.
She lifted her head, strands of hair clinging to her damp forehead, and whispered, almost like a confession, “I don’t like the barrier between us, Sawyer.”
My body went still beneath her.
She searched my face, her eyes steady. “I’m going to call my doctor. Get things taken care of. Next time… I want you bareback.”
The words hit me hard, heat surging all over again—but it wasn’t just lust. It was the weight of what she was giving me. Trust.
“Don’t look so worried,” she added with a faint smile, her thumb brushing along my jaw. “I trust you.”
That single word cracked something open inside me. I hadn’t earned it, not the way I carried my shadows, but she was offering it anyway.
I kissed her temple, rough with emotion I couldn’t name, then cupped the back of her neck. “Stay tonight.”
Her eyes widened a fraction.
“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” I said, my voice steady even though my chest wasn’t. “You can head home in the morning, grab Sunny. We’ll take her for a walk. I’ll bring Grace.”
Her lips parted. Surprise flickered, then softened into something else. “A walk, huh?”
“Daylight,” I said. “Not just the dark.”
Something shifted in her face—her guard lowering, just enough for me to glimpse what was underneath. She nodded. “Okay. But only if I bring a picnic.”
A laugh rumbled out of me. “Picnic. Haven’t done one of those in years.”
“Then you’re overdue,” she teased, curling against me again.
I held her close, the warmth of her body seeping into mine. For once, I didn’t think about Humvees rattling through broken streets or the sound of a blast shattering the dawn. Didn’t think about Valentina or the way she’d disappeared overnight.
All I thought about was Lilly—the way she showed up tonight, nerves and all, and the way she looked at me like maybe I was more than the wreck I’d been dragging around.
She tilted her head and kissed me slowly, lingering, her voice whispering against my lips. “I’m tired of pretending we shouldn’t try for more than just shared desire. But I’m not ready for the world around us to know.”
I tightened my arm around her, pulling her in close. “Then don’t. As far as the world is concerned, I don’t think I’m ready either.”
And for the first time in a long damn while, I let myself believe maybe it could be that simple.
The house went still after a while, the kind of quiet you only notice when you’re wide awake. Lilly had curled into me on the couch, her breath slow and even, her body soft and trusting against mine. She’d stayed.
I should’ve let myself drift with her, but my eyes stayed pinned to the ceiling. My chest felt tight, like a weight had settled there.
She wanted more than nights like this. She’d all but said it. And damn me, I wanted it too—to wake with her still here, to see her smile in the daylight, to believe that mornings didn’t have to mean ghosts and loss.
But the past never really let go. Mosul was still under my skin, crawling through the cracks of my memory, no matter how hard I tried to keep it buried.
Dawn raids. Sand in my teeth. Brothers who never came home.
And Valentina—the way she’d been ripped away without warning.
Every time I closed my eyes, those shadows waited.
I turned my head, pressed a kiss into Lilly’s hair, breathing her in.
Maybe tomorrow, I could hold them off. Maybe tomorrow, I could be the man she deserved to wake up next to.
If the shadows didn’t take me first.