Chapter 8 #2
Allie was next in line, and then I greeted each of the bridesmaids.
I knew some of them better than others, and it was nice to catch up.
A hotel employee offered me a beverage, and I sipped my flavored water as I waited for my name to be called.
I tried not to let my nerves show as one by one the bridesmaids were called back, leaving just Mom, Allie, and me.
I covered a yawn, another one. “Ugh. Sorry.”
“Late night for you and Frasier in the beach bungalow?” Allie gave me a meaningful look.
The relaxing nature music was doing nothing to calm me. Especially when Mom’s eyes darted between us, and I could see the wheels turning.
“Something like that.” Though it wasn’t what Allie thought.
“Wait…” Mom frowned. “Are you and Frasier…”
Allie said nothing, but I could tell she was close to bursting from keeping the secret.
I was tempted to shake my head and tell my mom we were just friends.
But then I remembered how it had felt when Allie had said the light had gone out of me.
How relieved she’d sounded when I’d told her I was dating Frasier.
I saw the hopeful look on Mom’s face, and I found myself saying, “Yes.”
Allie let out a little squeal, and Mom broke into a huge smile. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy for you.”
I fiddled with the tie on my robe then took another sip of my hibiscus-infused water. I hated lying to my family, but I wasn’t going to go back on it now. Especially not when they seemed so happy.
“Does this mean we can finally talk about it?” Allie asked.
“Wait.” Mom turned to my sister. “You knew?” And then she whipped her attention to me. “How long has this been going on? And why weren’t we talking about it?”
“It’s still new,” I said, sticking with my story. “And I wasn’t sure what people would think about the fact that he and Derek were so close. So we haven’t been telling many people.”
“All I care,” Mom said, holding my gaze, “is what you think about it.”
“Thanks,” I said, just as Mom was called back for her facial. “Frasier makes me happy.”
That was true, at least. Though, things had been…different between us since we’d arrived in Anguilla. Actually, before that, even. The signed copy of the new release came to mind. Followed by the almost-kiss.
Then there’d been our pillow fight last night after we’d argued over who was taking the couch. The assertive way Frasier had taken charge—picking me up and tossing me on the bed. Our push and pull. His body hovering over mine. His…
“What are you thinking about?” Allie poked me. Mom was gone, and when I looked at Allie, she was wearing a knowing smile.
“Nothing,” I answered quickly. Too quickly.
She poked me again. “Are you blushing?” she teased.
“Oh my god,” I whispered, glancing around. “Would you cut it out?”
“Oh my god.” She mimicked me as she leaned closer, grinning widely. “You are!”
“I am not,” I protested. Why did we often revert to our childhood roles? “It’s…warm in here. That’s all.” I pushed up the sleeves to my robe as if to prove my point.
“Nice tattoo.” She grinned then added, “Liar. You were thinking about Frasier, weren’t you? It’s okay to admit it. You deserve to be happy again.”
I crossed my legs, trying to hold it together as I said nothing. I was still hurt by our recent conversations—and the fact that she seemed able to so easily gloss over them. Or maybe she just didn’t want anything to ruin her big day.
“Look, um—” She leaned in, lowering her voice. “I know you’re upset with me, rightfully so. And I wanted to say that I’m really sorry about the things I said the other day.”
Maybe I hadn’t been as good at hiding my hurt as I thought, or maybe my sister was that good at reading me. I didn’t want to cause drama, but since she’d brought it up, I needed to clear the air.
“Do you understand why I was upset?”
She sighed. “I know this is going to sound like it’s about me, but it isn’t.
Not really. It’s just so hard to watch someone you love go through something so awful.
And I know there’s no timeline on grief, but I’m worried about you.
I just want you to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to say, but I was genuinely trying to help. ”
“I get that,” I said, appreciating her concern and the fact that she had understood and acknowledged the reasons for my upset.
“But I’m trying. I’ve been going to therapy and I’ve tried new hobbies and I’ve pushed myself.
You have no idea—” my voice broke “—how hard I’ve worked, every day.
And it feels like your comments dismiss the progress I’ve made. ”
“Oh no.” Her face crumpled. “That…” She swiped away a tear. “I’m so sorry, Bryn. That wasn’t my intent at all.”
“It might not have been your intent, but can you understand how it might have come across?” I asked. “It puts pressure on me to mask my pain or just get over it.”
“I’m so sorry that it sounded that way, Bryn. I absolutely would never want you to feel like you need to hide your emotions from me. And the idea that I think you should get over it…” Allie shook her head. She looked so heartbroken and earnest that I couldn’t help but soften.
“Thank you.” I took a steadying breath, leaning my head back to blink away tears. “I appreciate your saying that. Just…” I toyed with the belt of my robe. “Can you trust me to do what I need to do for me instead of trying to push me into it?”
She cringed. “Like trying to set you up on dates?”
“Yes.” I arched my brow. “Like that.”
“I’m sorry. I just know how much you like being in a relationship, and I thought…” She lifted a shoulder. “Anyway. I promise I’ll try to be better about listening.” She leaned closer, taking my hands in hers. “I’m always here for you. You know that, right?”
“I know,” I said, because I did. “I could never repay you for everything you did for me after Derek passed away. Thank you for being there for me.”
“Brynnie, I’m your sister. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
I pulled her in for a hug, relief washing over me. I hadn’t realized how much our rift had been weighing on me. But now, we’d both said what we needed to say, and I was ready to move on.
“Thanks for the room upgrade, by the way.”
She grinned. “I thought it might be a nice surprise and…perhaps a good peace offering?”
Suddenly, she seemed so hesitant and unsure. And it made me realize that Allie had genuinely wanted to do something nice for me to apologize, but also to celebrate my new relationship with Frasier. It was really sweet.
I grinned. “Maybe we need to fight more often. I could get used to this.”
She laughed but then seemed to hesitate. “Am I allowed to ask about Frasier now?”
I laughed, mostly to cover my anxiety. “Why? What do you want to know?”
“I just have so many questions.” She seemed almost giddy. “How did it happen? When did you know you wanted to be more than friends? How long…”
“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.” I held up my hands. “Slow down, Al.”
She laughed, leaning into me. “Fine. I guess you don’t have to answer it all at once, but I’ve missed you.”
Her admission made me feel even worse for lying about dating Frasier, but we’d just mended our relationship. I didn’t want to risk damaging it again, especially not so soon.
So, I poked her in the side, and she giggled, pushing my hand away. “I’ve always been here.”
“I know, but…” She sighed. “I’ve felt guilty, talking about my relationship with Kit or the wedding.”
“Don’t.” I turned to look at her, taking both hands in mine. Regardless of my relationship status, I was thrilled for her. And I wanted to hear about everything—the good, the bad, the difficult. “I’m so happy for you. And I would never want you to dim your joy for me.”
Allie nodded, sniffling. We’d always been close, and she’d really been there for me after Derek’s death—she and her fiancé, Kit. They didn’t live locally, but she’d stayed with me for weeks after he’d died. And I’d always felt their support, even from afar.
We were quiet for a moment, and I felt at ease. I might not be telling the truth about dating Frasier, but oddly enough, that lie had helped me repair the relationship with my sister.
“So…” Allie said, leaning in. “Is the sex as good as I’m imagining? Because hockey players are physically aggressive, and that’s hot. And Frasier’s so intense, especially when it comes to you.”
He was?
And why would she think that? She hadn’t even seen Frasier and me interact now that we were a “couple.”
“Allie!” I chided, though it came out as more of a hiss since I was trying to be quiet.
“What?” She lifted a shoulder, completely blasé.
“You’re getting married to Kit in a few days.”
“And I had a huge crush on Frasier when you were in college.”
“Oh god.” I laughed, covering my face with my hands. “How did I forget about that? You were so obvious.”
She gave my shoulder a gentle shove. “I was not.”
“You totally were. You had a custom Dartmouth jersey with his name and number on the back of it.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “And if you mention that in your speech at the rehearsal dinner, I will kill you.”
I smirked, enjoying the fact that I could hold this over her.
“Do you still have that jersey?” I asked.
“Why?” She nudged me. “You want to see how unhinged he’ll be if he sees you wearing his jersey and nothing else?”
I rolled my eyes. “God. Sometimes I’m still surprised you didn’t turn into a puck bunny.”
She laughed. “Tempting, but trust me—” she leaned in “—Kit is the perfect guy for me.”
“He definitely is,” I said.
“Come on, Bryn,” Allie pleaded, pressing her palms together as if in prayer. “Tell me if I’m right about Frasier. Tell me if my teenage crush lives up to reality.” She batted her eyes.
“You are ridiculous,” I said, but I was laughing the entire time. “But honestly,” I said, knowing I needed to put an end to this line of inquiry, “I wouldn’t know. We’re sort of taking things slow.”
She gaped at me. “You said it was new, not that you were taking it slow.”
“It’s both.” I tucked my hair behind my ear.
“Whose idea was that? Yours?” She shook her head, dropping it to her chest in disappointment.
“His, actually,” I said, thinking of the way he’d held himself back last night.
Frasier had looked at me with so much desire that it had nearly consumed me. And yet…he hadn’t acted on it. Did I want him to act on it?
Part of me said, hell yes!
My body was ready, and I had a feeling Allie was right—a man like Frasier would be incredible in bed. The perfect mix of aggressive and attentive.
But another part of me freaked out at the idea of sleeping with someone who wasn’t Derek. He’d been my first. My only. And I was scared to take that next step, though I knew without a doubt that I could trust Frasier.
“Really?” Allie was clearly skeptical. I didn’t blame her, but I couldn’t go back on it now. And it was true—at least, in part.
While the idea of pursuing something physical with him was undeniably appealing. I was also scared to ruin our friendship. I couldn’t risk losing him.
In the end, none of it really mattered because we were just friends who were pretending to date.
“Yes, really,” I said.
“What do you want, Bryn?” Allie asked.
What did I want?
It was something I’d often asked myself in the past year and a half. For a while, I’d been so focused on the past, on everything I’d lost. But now, I found myself wanting to focus on the future, even if it was difficult to imagine one without Derek.
Before I could answer, my name was called, saving me from a response. I popped up from my seat, grinning at Allie as she narrowed her eyes playfully at me.
All thoughts and fears melted away along with my stress as the massage therapist eased the tension from my muscles. The conversation with Allie had definitely helped.
By the time the massage was over, I practically floated down the boardwalk to the bungalow. My mind was clear; my body was relaxed. I wasn’t thinking about the past or the future. I was living in the now.
I had a few hours to chill before we needed to be at the combined bachelor/bachelorette party. Since it was a small guest list, Allie and Kit had invited everyone to bring their spouses or dates, even if they weren’t a member of the wedding party.
I opened the door to the bungalow and called out, “Honey, I’m—” Oh. I cringed, stopping myself before uttering, “Home.”
Frasier was sprawled on the bed, facedown. The sheets rested low on his waist. Sunlight filtered in through the French doors, the shadows of palm leaves rippling across his golden skin.
My mouth went dry at the sight of him. Of those strong shoulders and that muscular back. Of all that power and strength and control.
Not wanting to wake him, I tiptoed to my suitcase. I grabbed my swimsuit and changed in the bathroom before heading out to the plunge pool, book in hand. The spa was nice, but I much preferred to be outside. And I could use some alone time to recharge before tonight’s festivities.
I sank into the water, double-checking that my hands were dry before picking up my book. Even though the story was captivating, I kept rereading the same words. My mind was preoccupied, and my thoughts kept drifting to the man inside asleep on the bed.
Eventually, I gave up, resting my arms on the deck to stare out at the ocean. My gaze caught on my tattoo, and I smiled. I wondered, as I often did, what Derek would think. About the tattoo. About life. About everything.
I knew he’d always want me to be happy. If the roles had been reversed, that’s what I’d want for him. I’d hope that he’d honor my memory, of course. But I’d also want him to find happiness, love.
Even with your best friend?
I glanced down at my left hand. I’d stopped wearing my rings months ago. I’d loved them—the design, everything they had represented. But I’d grown to hate the inevitable questions. The pity.
Now they sat in a drawer at home, unworn. No longer a visible daily reminder of loss. A relic of a life once lived.
My tattoo was different. It was as if I were carrying a piece of him with me always.
I loved Derek, and I always would. But I was young, and I, hopefully, had a lot of life left to live. If his death had taught me anything, it was to cherish your loved ones and live life to the fullest. Because you never knew how much time you had.