Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
Iblinked my eyes open and stared up at the ceiling.
I was tempted to stay in bed, but I knew I’d feel better if I got my workout in.
Besides, if I didn’t go now, I wasn’t sure when I’d have time.
We were supposed to go snorkeling this morning, though I doubted that Bryn or the rest of the Bride Tribe would be up to it after last night’s festivities.
And then tonight was the rehearsal dinner.
For now, Bryn was still sleeping peacefully, so I left her another note and laced up my tennis shoes. The scenery was too beautiful to run inside on a treadmill, and I’d enjoyed taking various routes around the island, thanks to some tips from the concierge. Today was no different.
My feet pounded the pavement, keeping tempo with the music playing through my earbuds. The scenery was breathtaking as I passed along turquoise bays dotted with white boats. And yet, with each mile traveled, my mind kept circling back to Bryn.
Last night had been a roller coaster. I’d gone from kissing her to consoling her, and all of it had been intense and emotional. My chest squeezed as I thought about the pain she’d been carrying, the guilt. And suddenly, it didn’t feel as if I could get enough air into my lungs.
I slowed, bending forward so that my hands were braced on my thighs. Fuck.
They’d been wanting to start a family. They’d been trying to get pregnant. I stood and tried to keep my body moving, even if it was just to pace.
All the…sorrow she’d been holding inside. All those thoughts, all that guilt, about Derek. Was it any wonder she was struggling to move forward?
Was it any surprise that I kept hesitating when it came to taking that next step with her? Deep down, maybe I’d sensed that she wasn’t ready. And last night’s conversation had only confirmed what I’d already known.
My phone buzzed, and I glanced at the screen, wanting to make sure I hadn’t missed a message from Bryn. Boone had texted, but I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Unfortunately, the only person I wanted to talk to was dead.
I tugged on my hair, feeling a wave of emotion rising within me, threatening to consume me. I knew it would pass, but god, it sucked in the moment. I took a few deep breaths, listening to the sound of the ocean, the sea gulls calling in the distance.
And then I picked up my phone. I navigated to my contacts and paused at the picture of Derek.
It was just a small thumbnail, an older picture from college.
But he looked so happy as confetti rained down from the rafters.
Our team had just won the Frozen Four, and it had always been one of my favorite memories.
I hit the button to connect the call. He was one of the few people I called who still had a personalized voice mail greeting. I used to give him shit for it, but now I was grateful because it gave me a way to hear his voice.
“This is Derek—”
My knees sagged, and I staggered over to a nearby rock to sit.
“I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m busy being amazing. Leave a message, and I’ll get back to you when I’m done.”
I couldn’t help but laugh, despite the pain currently gripping me. When the phone signaled it was time to leave a message, I hesitated. I felt so many things, but I didn’t even know what to say.
“Why?” I blurted.
I wasn’t sure who I was really asking—Derek, the universe? Either way, I knew I wasn’t going to get an answer.
“Why did you have to leave us?” I asked, as much for Bryn as myself. “And what am I supposed to do now?” I stood. “I don’t fucking know where to go from here.”
I used the neckline of my shirt to wipe away sweat and tears. Salt stung my eyes, but it was nothing compared to the anguish of what Bryn had revealed.
“I had no idea you were trying for a family.”
I let the silence hang there as if waiting for an answer. But there was no answer because he was gone.
I’d never admitted this before, but I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “Bryn is hurting, and what she really needs is a friend. And I am… I am that friend. But I’m also in love with her. I’m in love with Bryn,” I repeated, feeling somehow calmer. “God, that feels good to admit aloud.”
I took a deep breath in.
“I love her, and I have no idea what you would think of that. Would you be pissed? Pleased? Would you see it as a betrayal of our friendship?” My breath sawed in and out of me.
I was quiet, almost as if waiting for him to respond. Waiting for some sign. Bryn was always talking about seeing signs from Derek, and I could’ve really used one right now.
“I swear I didn’t plan for this to happen. I just wanted to be there for her after…everything. I just wanted to help her. But she ended up helping me.” I should’ve been telling Bryn this.
“It guts me to see her fall apart. I’m trying to be strong for her, but this is breaking me.” My voice cracked with that admission.
The phone beeped, signaling that I’d run out of time. An automated message came on. “If you’d like to save…”
I hung up, sliding my phone into my pocket. I planted my hands on my hips and stared out over the bay. And then I took a deep breath and started running again.
By the time I returned to the bungalow, I felt calmer and more centered. I opened the door quietly in case Bryn was still sleeping, but the bed was empty. I wandered out to the patio, where she was sitting on one of the lounge chairs in a robe, a gentle breeze blowing through her hair.
She glanced over her shoulder, and when she saw me, she smiled. “Good morning.” She seemed almost…chipper, which surprised me after the alcohol and the late-night emotional revelations.
She set aside the resort tablet, placing it on top of some papers, and I grabbed a glass of water.
“Morning.” I gulped down the water.
“Good workout?” she asked as I took a seat on the lounger next to her.
“Yeah,” I said, my heart rate finally getting back to normal. “How are you feeling?”
“Surprisingly good,” she said, and I wondered if she was referring to any lingering effects of the alcohol or her mental state. Hopefully, both. “You?”
I wasn’t sure whether to bring up last night or not. So I said, “I’m good,” and I meant it. After the run and my phone call, I felt calmer.
“Thanks for listening last night. I feel…” She stared out at the ocean. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you, but I feel more at peace now.”
When she turned back to me, her gaze was clear. And I could see in her face and her features that she was more relaxed than she’d been even a few days ago. It settled something inside me.
I placed my hand over hers, and I couldn’t help but smile a little. “I’m glad.”
“I also had a short call with my therapist, and I wrote a letter to Derek.” She smiled, and I realized that was what the paper under the tablet must be.
“You were right. He would never blame me for what happened. And voicing it aloud to you helped me realize that. I was clinging to a need for answers, when there are none. And although I can wish things had happened differently, I also can’t change them. ”
I nodded. “I think that’s the hardest part. Finding acceptance.”
“Sometimes, it’s still hard to accept that he’s gone. But I know there’s nothing I could’ve done. Deep down, I’ve always known that. And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty for something I had no control over.”
I was so damn proud of her. I knew that hadn’t been easy, just as I knew she would continue to struggle with grief. But the fact that she could release herself from the unnecessary burden she’d placed on herself was huge.
“I would hug you,” I said, sensing she could use some comfort. I knew I could. “But I’m pretty sweaty from my workout.”
She laughed. “You really think a little sweat will deter me?”
“Okay.” I held open my arms. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
She stood and stepped into my embrace, and I wrapped my arms around her. “Bryn, you are one of the strongest people I know.”
She peered up at me. “Because I can handle one of your sweaty, post-workout hugs?” she teased.
I chuckled, releasing her. “Absolutely. Now, what’s on tap for today?”
“Depends on what you’re in the mood for.
I know we’d talked about going on the snorkeling excursion, but if you don’t want to do that, there’s always volleyball and lounging on the beach.
Or if you want to get a massage or just need some time to yourself until the rehearsal dinner tonight, I get it.
This trip has been…a lot.” She dipped her head.
“What do you want to do?” I asked because I wanted—no, needed—to be where she was.
“Since you’re stuck going with me to the rehearsal dinner tonight…” She batted her eyes. “I figured I’d let you pick.”
I knew she’d been looking forward to snorkeling, and so had I. After growing up in Canada and then spending most of my adult life on the East Coast, I hadn’t spent much time around the ocean. And LA wasn’t really known for its snorkeling.
“Do you feel up to snorkeling?” I asked.
If she was, I figured it might be a good way to reset after last night.
Get us both more present in our bodies and out of our heads.
Plus, if my body was engaged, maybe I’d be less likely to do something stupid—like try to kiss her again.
Because as much as I wanted to kiss her, last night’s conversation had merely confirmed what I already knew—Bryn wasn’t ready to date. What she really needed was a friend.
She nodded. “Yeah. I think as long as I stay hydrated today, I should be fine.”
“Then my vote is for snorkeling,” I said.
“Great!” She popped up from the chair. “I’ll let my sister know we’re coming. I think the van leaves in a little less than an hour. Will that be enough time for you to eat and get changed?”
I chuckled. “I should hope so. Just how long do you think my self-care routine is?”
She twisted the belt of her robe, a beautiful pink tinge coating her cheeks and neck. “I suppose it depends on what kind of self-care we’re talking about.”