Chapter 3
CHAPTER THREE
CALEB
“Cale.”
I slowly lift my head, turning to the side to look at my brother Carson as he walks up beside me, a bouquet of pink roses clutched in his fist. His lips lift into a tender smile and he tips his chin.
“Where are Andi and Matteo?” I ask him, glancing around for any sign of his fiancée or their son. The sun shines brightly above, poking through the fluffy white clouds, its warmth seeping into the grass beneath our feet.
“I left them at home,” he says quietly, looking in the direction I’m facing. I follow his gaze. My daughter Estella is crouched in front of the gravestone, rambling away to the piece of marble as she twirls a flower stem between her fingertips.
Amelia Renee Ford
Loving mother and wife
Forever in our hearts, until we meet again
December 4th, 1995 - October 1st, 2020
It’s been five years since I lost my wife. Five short years that I’ve watched Tella grow without her mother. Five long years that I’ve been doing it all without her.
What a strange thing, how time can feel so short, yet so long at the same time.
“I can’t believe it’s been five years already,” Carson says softly, lifting his hand to adjust the sunglasses shielding his eyes.
It’s an unusually warm day for the start of October.
It’s almost as if summer is trying to poke through one last time before we shift into “flannel shirts and falling leaves” season.
“I know.” I’m silent for a moment, staring down at Tella as she talks to Amelia through the gravestone.
Guilt engulfs me like tendrils wrapped around my chest, clenching tighter until I can’t breath and tears blur my vision.
“When I close my eyes and think of her, it feels like the memories are fading away. The images of her aren’t as clear as they once were. ”
Carson lets out a soft breath. “I think that’s normal,” he says gently.
I swallow roughly over the lump lodged inside my throat. “I know,” I say again. It’s completely normal, according to my therapist and the grief counselor I saw. It’s something they told me would happen, but every time I close my eyes and the images of her grow blurrier, it’s even more startling.
Carson steps toward Amelia’s grave, crouching down beside Tella. “Hey, T,” he greets her with a warm smile. “Can you find somewhere to put these?” he asks her as he hands her the bouquet.
“Yep!” Tella moves over to the headstone, rearranging two other vases to find the perfect spot for Carson’s.
Carson stands upright and takes a step back to me. “Have you been to see your therapist?”
“Yeah,” I tell him, nodding as I lift my hand to run it through my hair.
After the first few years of going weekly, I cut back to once a month.
Now it’s more on an “as needed” basis. The time around her birthday always hits me harder than the anniversary of her death. “I went and saw her yesterday morning.”
Carson’s throat bobs, his head moving up and down as he looks at the headstone. “She’d be really proud of you, you know.”
I blow a quick breath through my nostrils. “I don’t know about all that.”
The first few months after her death are not something I’ll ever be proud of. I lost myself for a little while after I lost her.
“Sure she would,” Carson argues, turning to look at me. “Look at the life you’ve given Tella. Look at how well you are doing.”
I stare at my brother for a moment. Is he forgetting the shell of a human I became after she died? Is he forgetting the fact that I couldn’t take care of my daughter’s basic needs for the first two months because I was crippled. Paralyzed by grief.
Unable to do anything for myself or my daughter.
I glance down at Tella as she slowly rises to her feet, brushing the dirt from the fronts of her tan riding pants.
She turns back to look at me, a smile lifting her lips and the sun making her eyes sparkle.
She looks like her mother in so many ways.
The way her nose curves up at the end, just the slightest bit.
She has my dark hair, but her eyes are a mixture of blue grey, the green she undoubtedly got from Amelia. My nostrils flare, my throat thick with emotion as I struggle to swallow down.
Even after the way I struggled after Amelia passed, I did get it together eventually.
I got my life back on track and made sure that I would never let myself slip like that again.
Tella is my priority in life and I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe.
To make sure her needs are met—emotionally, mentally, and physically.
Tella turns back to the gravestone and leans down to place a soft kiss on the marble.
I slowly turn my head, looking back at my brother, and note how the corners of his eyes soften as he watches my daughter.
My brother has been by my side since we were kids.
When I lost Amelia, he refused to leave me at first.
He’s been there every step of the way, his support a constant, unwavering anchor in my life.
“I wouldn’t be where I am now without you.”
Carson turns to look at me, his eyes slowly searching mine. “It was nothing,” he tells me, his voice low as he tries to dismiss it. “You’re my brother and my best friend. I know you’d do the same.”
I swallow roughly over the lump lodged in my throat, nodding at him as Tella turns around to face us. “You ready to head to the barn, kiddo?”
Tella’s face lights up. “Yep!” She walks over, stepping between Carson and me as we turn away from Amelia’s grave, stepping onto the walkway that winds around the cemetery. “Are you coming too, Uncle Cars?”
My footsteps slow, the two of them walking past me as they fall into conversation about Tella’s pony Sodapop, her riding lessons, and the upcoming horse show.
A soft breeze blows past, whipping up my hair as I turn back around to look at Amelia’s grave.
My eyes drift back over the words etched in the stone.
Forever in our hearts.
“I love you,” I murmur, the words barely audible as my lips tug down in a frown. God, I miss her. “Until we meet again.”
The grief isn’t as suffocating as it used to be. It isn’t as hard to get out of bed anymore. I still love and miss her so much, but life continues on. I have a daughter to raise—a fiery little girl who deserves to have her only parent completely present and involved.
I’ll never love again, but that’s okay. I’m perfectly fine with being alone, as long as Tella knows she has a father she can always lean on.
“Daddy, are you coming?” Tella’s voice breaks through my thoughts, pulling me back into the present. I let my gaze linger for a second longer, a breath leaving my lips as a sigh. My chest feels a bit lighter, although my heart constricts in contrast.
I turn back around, finding Tella and Carson patiently waiting. I can’t help but smile at my little girl. “I’m coming.” My legs begin to move, and before I know it, I’ve sped up into a jog. “Race you to the car.”
A giggle escapes Tella as she spins around, breaking into a sprint. Her boots meet the ground in light steps as she races through the cemetery. Carson laughs, jogging along as I run past him. I inch closer to Tella, but I slow down, letting her get a steady pace ahead of me.
The three of us are out of breath as we reach the gravel parking lot, kicking up stone and dust on the way to the SUV. Tella reaches out, her fingers stretching toward the side of the car, but just as she’s about to touch it, I snake my arm around her waist and lift her into the air.
She lets out a gasp, the sound of her laughter filling the air as she wiggles against me, kicking her legs.
“No fair!” she yells out, giggling harder as I dig my fingers into her ribs.
Carson breezes past us, his eyes meeting Tella’s as he stops by the SUV and touches the side in a dramatically slow fashion.
“Come on!” Tella lets out a frustrated sigh.
I release her, letting her back onto the ground as she pins her gaze on Carson. “That doesn’t count. You cheated.”
“Did not,” Carson argues back, sticking his tongue out at her. “Blame your dad, not me. I won fair and square.”
“No, you didn’t!” She sticks her tongue out at him, scrunching her nose. “It wasn’t even a real race, anyways.”
“She’s just like you, man,” Carson laughs, clasping my shoulder with his hand. “Such a sore loser.”
I glance at Tella, a smile tugging on my lips as she climbs into the SUV, sticking her tongue out at Carson once more before shutting the door.
My shoulders rise and fall in a shrug, a chuckle rumbling in my chest as I look back at my brother.
“I mean, you were just arguing with an almost six year old, so are you really any better?”
Carson huffs out a laugh and shakes his head at me. “You’re ridiculous,” he blows out a breath. “I’ll see you later at the game.”
I roll my lips, nodding my head at my brother. My breath quickens, dread rolling in the pit of my stomach, but I don’t bring it up to my brother before we part ways. I don’t bother telling him that I’m going to have to beg his fiancée to watch Tella when I show up at the game with her later.
I still haven’t found a nanny like I was supposed to before the season started.
And I’ve officially run out of time.