Chapter 16
WINNIE
The next night, I’m two cocktails deep and being spun around while blindfolded. In my hand is a sticker of a cartoon penis. Candice stops spinning me and I stumble, blindly reaching for the wall where I know the poster of a naked man is hanging.
My hand makes contact with it and I feel around.
“Ahhh!” Jenny screams. And then Candice starts to giggle.
I slam the sticker down and then rip the blindfold off. “What?” I ask.
They both dissolve into more laughs, and when I see where I’ve pinned the junk on the hunk, I do as well. I stuck a massive, smiling penis right on his forehead.
“Poor guy,” I say.
“He’s basically a unicorn now,” Jenny manages to say between laughs.
This gets Candice laughing so hard she wheezes, and I feel my own cheeks start to hurt.
“Oh my God, it’s too good.”
“Even better than Candice pinning it on her own damn wall,” Jenny snorts.
“I’ll peel it off later!” Candice screams, fist raised.
“Yes, you most definitely will,” a voice says from the other side of the room.
It’s Beau, standing there with a bemused look on his face and his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans.
“Beau,” Jenny calls. “Come here! Join the fun.” She waves the blindfold in front of him, and I see his cheeks turn bright pink.
“Uh, no thanks, Jenny.”
“What? Afraid of a little cock?”
Beau looks like he wants the floor to swallow him where he stands, and he just shakes his head. “No, but I am afraid of the three of you. It’s time for us to get going. I’m driving you all and Nathan over to the Horseshoe.”
“No boys allowed! No boys allowed!” Candice chants, raising her fist once more. For some reason, when my best friend gets drunk she starts fist pumping like she’s on Jersey Shore.
“It’s the only bar in town, so you’ll have to deal with a combined bachelor-bachelorette party,” Beau says. He walks over and starts trying to shepherd us to the front door.
“I need my coat!” Jenny yelps.
“And I need another shot,” Candice says.
I shake my head and meet Beau’s eyes. I’m the most sober one at my own bachelorette. But it’s sweet how enthusiastically my friends have taken to the idea of me marrying Jonah. I finish my drink and tug my fur coat on, relishing the soft feel of the collar against my face.
“See, I knew I’d find a place to wear this out,” I tell Beau with a smirk.
“Sure, and the thigh high boots are a nice touch,” he says.
“Aren’t they?” I stick my leg out and he laughs. These gold thigh high boots are glamorous as fuck, and pair perfectly with the white dress I have on underneath my coat.
“Leggo!” Jenny says, marching to the front door and flinging it open.
“What are the chances we all make it home in one piece tonight?” Beau mutters.
“Slim to none,” Candice confirms.
We all pile into Beau’s truck, where Nathan is already waiting.
After a few minutes of begging, Beau puts on one of Candice’s Kacey Musgraves CDs and soon, Pageant Material is blasting through the truck speakers.
We sing along like drunken loons all the way to the Horseshoe, and even Beau and Nathan join in.
The bar is busy, though there are still a few tables left.
The drag show is just getting started and the small wooden stage is awash in a rainbow of colors.
The Neon Horseshoe may not seem like the best location for a drag show at first glance, as it’s fairly rustic and probably qualifies as a dive bar.
There’s a pool table and a juke box, a wall completely covered in stickers and graffiti, tables made of rough wooden planks and barrels, and a bar top that is scratched and worn.
But bright decorations bring it all together, and the drag queens seem right at home.
We snag a table close to the stage, and Candice and Jenny make the boys sit at a separate one nearby.
“What is the bride-to-be having?” Jenny asks me, hand on one suede clad hip. She poured herself into a pair of soft brown suede pants for the evening, along with a short pink top.
I pause to think about what I want, and that’s when I see him.
My future husband. He’s wearing a short sleeve white t-shirt that hugs his muscular torso and shows off his inked arms, and as my eyes travel upwards, they snag on the strong, thick column of his throat, and then again on his sharp jaw.
He shaved his beard shorter than normal, revealing a face that is carved from stone.
He pushes a hand through his dark gold hair and looks around.
I feel the exact moment he sees me, and my whole body locks, unable to look away from him. I shiver as he meets my gaze, aware, for what feels like the first time, that Jonah Smith basically looks like a Norse god. And he’s about to be my husband.
“Fuck,” I say under my breath.
“That’s not a drink, hon,” Jenny says. “Though I’m sure Jonah would oblige if you asked him.”
“In his dreams. I’ll have one of those rainbow drinks I’ve seen everyone with.”
Both Jenny and Candice head over to the bar, and I’m left waiting at the table. Jonah strides over to me, his long legs eating up the distance between us.
“Hey,” he says, sitting down next to me.
“Hi.” I glance at him, and then quickly look away. He’s too close like this, too large. I feel like I can’t breathe, like his body is caging mine in even though he hasn’t touched me.
Silence spreads between us, as we’re both clearly unsure what to say to one another. I mean, what do you talk about with your husband-to-be who you’ve only known for two weeks?
“What’s your favorite food?” I blurt out. I’m determined to know just a bit about him.
“My mom’s triple berry pie with crumble topping is definitely first. And then probably apples,” Jonah says easily. It’s a relief that he answered my question instead of pointing out how awkward it was.
“Apples?”
“Yeah,” he says. “Apples. I like that they’re crunchy and come in lots of varieties. What about you?”
“Do you want a pageant answer or a real answer?” I turn in my seat to face him, and find that he has a faint smile on his face, like he’s enjoying this inane conversation.
“The real one. I always want the real one.”
“Well the pageant answer would be strawberries. They’re wholesome and sweet, and healthy. But the real answer is glazed doughnuts. I just really, really love doughnuts.”
“Why doughnuts?” Jonah asks me.
“Once, when I was nine, I slept over at a friend’s house.
My parents hardly ever let me do that, but they were going out of town for the night so it worked for them.
I had three glazed doughnuts after dinner.
I still remember the taste of them, and how they melted on my tongue.
My friend and I played with her pack of tarot cards with a flashlight until we came down from the sugar high.
In the morning, I felt sort of sick but it was all worth it,” I tell him.
“That’s a good memory,” he murmurs.
“One of my best. I did my first Little Princesses pageant the year after, and sweets became a thing of the past.” Jonah’s face turns murderous for some reason, so I quickly smile and add, “But hey, at least I’ll get to eat a wedding cake on Monday, right?”
“Right,” he says. “I guess we do need to have a cake.”
“Candice said she’d figure it out for us. I hope you don’t mind a bit of a celebration? I know it’s just a marriage of convenience but I couldn’t pass up the offer to have a little bit of fun while we’re at it.”
“No, it’s absolutely alright. If we don’t celebrate at all, it might make things look suspicious.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you’re probably right.
I suppose it is better if things between us look real.
” I give him a placid smile, but on the inside, I’m starting to spiral.
I didn’t think at all about making our marriage look real.
Is there some way my parents could declare our marriage invalid?
Probably not? I mean it’s not against the law to get married for money, and I’m pretty sure the terms of the trust don’t say I need to marry for love.
What if they try and use this marriage against me in the lawsuit, though? I take a deep breath in, and then release it. I need to calm down.
“Here,” Jenny says, thrusting a drink at me. Her and Candice are back from the bar, and with them is a tray of snacks and a round of rainbow cocktails.
“Thanks, sugar,” I say, taking a long sip of the drink. I immediately cough. “Oh my word, Ronda made them strong tonight, didn’t she?”
“And she’s my hero for it.” Jenny takes a big slurp of her own drink and then smiles.
“Back to your table,” Candice says to Jonah, shooing him away with her hand.
“Fine, fine,” he grumbles, and goes to join Nathan and Beau.
On stage, the next queen is getting started, and hilariously, she’s dressed as a pageant queen. Her evening gown is a pale pink concoction with ruffles and sequins, and she has on a white sash with Miss United States written across it.
“Ladies, gays, and theys,” she says. “I am Miss Grace, and welcome to the Miss United States Pageant!” She starts lip syncing to the Miss United States theme song and dancing, perfectly balanced in her platform heels.
“This is perfect,” Jenny chortles. “You should go join her, Winnie.”
I sink down a bit lower in my chair and grip my drink like it’s a lifeline. “Absolutely not. My one time at Miss United States did not end well.”
“Only because your mom is a bitch and made you feel bad about not placing,” Candice says.
“Cheers to Winnie’s mom being a total b,” Jenny crows.
“Honestly? You’re so right. She really is a bitch.” I lift my glass and clink it against the others, and I don’t even feel bad about it.
Miss Grace finishes lip syncing her song, and then, with a flourish, rips her evening gown down the center using what must be hidden buttons, and reveals a bikini underneath, as well as another sash. Her crown stays on throughout the entire thing, and the crowd is cheering and laughing.