27. Distant
DISTANT
Shattered [Trading Yesterday]
Graphic Scene
The words I hold fall flat. Nothing but breathy air trembles out through my parted lips.
Andy twists his body and faces me, flushed cheeks reddening with every passing moment. I blink a few times, unsure how to process this news or what to do with it. What he says…it’s a tremendous deal and one I wasn’t expecting, even after Conner told me.
“Um…” I bite my lower lip and wonder what to do, what to say—anything, really.
Andy leans over and touches a stray piece of hair that slipped away from my bun. He tucks it behind my ear. With wide eyes, I watch. Wait. I’m not sure of what to do, but I fight the urge to cringe at his touch.
“I know I should have told you sooner, but I…was scared.” He lowers his hand and rests it near the cigarette burn. I shuffle, moving my knees towards the door, and my hands tighten on my phone as if it’s some life support keeping me afloat.
Then, his hand tightens on the cushion, his deep blue eyes settling on me. “I need to know how you feel about me.”
“I…” The words don’t come out, and as much as I want to follow Conner’s advice, Andy’s look prevents me from giving him false hope. “It’s…” I can see my face reflected in the glassy surface of his blue eyes. He leans away when I say, “Sorry.”
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” Andy spits, and I flinch further away from him. “He came out of nowhere and fucked everything up, didn’t he?”
I shake my head back and forth as I say, “No, I…” His blue eyes pierce me, and I glance away. “I liked you ages ago, but I stopped way before Conner…”
“Why?” he asks in a strained voice.
I shrug because I’m too afraid to tell Andy the truth. Not like this. Not after I rejected him.
“I’ve been there for you through everything, Noya,” he states as his entire body trembles. “I’ve protected you from bad people who could hurt you.”
“When?” I breathe in disbelief.
“Your entire life!” he barks. “If it weren’t for me, you would have never survived high school.
Everyone would know what you let your fucked up dad do to you because you were always too chickenshit to stand up for yourself.
” He leans away, shaking his head and curling his upper lip.
“You aren’t six anymore, Noya. You are seventeen.
Why don’t you leave? It’s like you want him to beat you up. It’s twisted.”
I reach for the door handle and look away to hide the sting of tears behind my eyes. “Um, thank you for the ride, but I’m going to go now.”
“Wait,”—He grabs the door handle and, with enough force, slams the door shut—“Don’t leave me.”
“Andy,” I warn. “Let me leave.”
“No.” He leans closer to me. “Maybe you just need me to show you that your feelings can come back.”
What?
My hands instinctively reach out, pushing on his chest as he closes his eyes and leans into me. “Andy, stop.”
His arm snakes around my waist, and he pulls me towards him. A sharp, jagged sting hits my abdomen from the pain earlier in the morning, and the hands that are my barrier move to my belly to hug the pain away.
Andy pushes me towards him, and his mouth finds mine as his hand presses on the back of my head. I wiggle, moving my hands out to his chest, but they are like iron.
My eyes widen, but only for a fleeting moment. The arms that push Andy back slump, and my entire body goes limp in defeat. Everything becomes numb and distant, as if I’m not in my body anymore.
His hand touches my chest, and his mouth opens, deepening the kiss. Unable to contain the torture, my eyes roll to the back of my head as darkness sweeps through me.
“Noya,” a familiar, soft-spoken voice comes into focus.
Reaching out to the voice, memories flood back, and I respond with a grunt before I cringe and shy away as I return to reality.
Opening my eyes, I notice I’m lying down, and Andy, Olivia, and Conner lean over me.
Unable to process things clearly, I sit up and scan the room, realising I’m in Olivia’s office at the back of the supermarket.
“You’re awake.” Olivia breathes a sigh of relief. “When your friend carried you in here, I freaked out. He said you passed out from heatstroke or something…”
I look at Andy, but he won’t hold my gaze. “Um…yeah.”
“You poor thing,” Olivia coos. “You should go home and rest tonight. I will get Quinn to cover your shift. He had had way too many days off.”
I sit up and say, “But I need the money.”
“Sorry, dear, but I will not let a sick woman work. Get some rest, and you can make up for it next week, okay?”
I bite my lip and nod. “Okay,” I whisper.
Conner steps forward and lowers his hand to me. “I’ll take you home, Noya.”
I lean away, feeling my heart thumping at the flooding memories of Andy wrapping his arms around me. He forced himself onto me, but what if…
What if…
“Um…Olivia, could you take me home, please?”
I avoid Conner’s gaze as he lowers his hand and stands up straight. Olivia looks between them when Andy leaves quickly after telling me he will see me tomorrow. I don’t respond.
Conner stays, and his gaze burns against my skin, but I’m too scared to look at him.
“Sure, sweetheart,” Olivia says.
“Thank you,” I murmur and move by her side.
“Noya,” Conner breathes. “Uh…I will pick you up tomorrow morning.”
I nod before heading out the door with Olivia. She doesn’t talk as we walk, and as I settle into her Ute, I notice Conner at his car with a cigarette pressed between his lips as he watches us. Blinking away the tears, I turn to Olivia and tell her where I live. She knows the street.
I touch my chest, and it’s like his hand is still there…gripping—
With a shake of my head, I lower my hand onto my lap when my phone vibrates. I close my eyes and suppress the urge to see who sent the message. I’m hoping it’s Samantha, and she’s talking about the girls’ camping trip.
Anyone but them.
Inside my cold and uninviting home, I enter my room and place my bag on the bed before crawling under the covers.
Grabbing the pillow, I wrap my arms around it, and warmth easily slips down and soaks into the cotton fabric.
My arms shake, my body trembles, and the flood of memories I want erased repeats in my head, numbing me to the bone.
My phone vibrates again. This time, I flip it over to see who it's from.
Conner: Are you okay?
Conner: What did Andy do?
Conner: Noya, can you please answer me? Tell me you got home safe. Anything.
Me: I’m home. Nothing happened. But I’m going to take the bus tomorrow morning if that’s okay.
I place my phone down when it keeps vibrating. Conner’s name appears on the screen. In a panic, I decline the call. A message comes through a second after the call.
Conner: Noya, did Andy do something to you? Did he hurt you?
Me: I’m too tired to talk, Conner. I will see you at school tomorrow. Good night.
Conner: Noya…
Conner: Sweet dreams.
I tuck my phone under my bed and tug on the blanket until it covers my face. Even though I know it’s boiling, I want to hide my skin from everyone.
I wake up late and groggy. Sitting upright in bed, I smooth my curly hair away from my face and gaze around the room. It was eerily quiet last night, but that worked to my benefit.
I grab the clothes littering the ground, uncaring of appearance, and shrug on anything I can find.
In sweats and a daggy long jumper, I pull the hood over my head.
As I leave the room, Mum raises her hand in greeting, but flinches away as I glare at her before heading to the door and making my way to school.
Unwinding my earphone cord, I place them in my ears and “Shattered” by Trading Yesterday fills the void. All the sounds, whispers, and memories erase when there is music to listen to. And so, I crowd my mind with lyrics while walking to the bus stop.
As I get to the bus stop, I look up from the path and stiffen.
Conner leans against the bus stop post. Those hazel eyes seem as if they can see right through me.
So, looking away from him, I twist the earphone cord around my fingertips as I sit and take out one earpiece.
I glare at the pavement, and my foot pushes a pebble away to pass the time.
After a moment, Conner sits beside me, his elbows on his knees, and his face coming into focus. Brown hair falls forward, shielding me from the glassy complexion in his eyes. “Hey,” he breathes. “What are you listening to?”
My hands tighten on the cord, and I bite back the sadness that wants to swell. “Nothing,” I murmur as I close my playlist.
Conner smiles faintly and looks out towards the road.
“Why are you here?” I breathe.
“You didn’t want a lift, so I want to catch the bus with you,” he answers as he turns his head slightly towards me. “Is that a problem?”
“No…”
“Noya, what did—” Conner reaches out to me when I suck in a breath and stand abruptly and take a few steps away from him as I wrap my arms around my chest. I blink rapidly, struggling to push back the tears as I glance in his direction, and I know I should have.
I should have kept my focus down, for everything shatters as I see his face.
Horrified. He looks horrified. Wide eyes and a pale face, too.
The bus pulls up, and I tear my eyes away from that broken look and step onto the bus, flashing the driver my bus licence on the way.
I move to the middle, and as I get to my usual spot, I shuffle into the seat and place my bag beside me. As Conner gets closer, I glare at my lap and clutch at the strings of my jumper. Conner moves to the seat across from mine, and his gaze tingles against my skin the entire bus ride to school.
When we reach the school, I leave before anyone else is out of their seats. When I glance behind, Conner waits for the crowd, smiling and nodding to a few who notice him on the bus.
Samantha is waiting, as she always does, and waves me over, but the closer I get to her, the quicker her smile falls away. “Noya?”
“Hey, um…if anyone asks, can you tell them I went to the library? I just…” I bite my lower lip. “Um…”
Samantha touches my hand, and her soft brown eyes focus on me. “What happened last night?”
“Nothing…I just—”
“Noya,” Conner breathes from behind me.
I jolt and sidestep until I’m hiding behind Samantha. Blinking rapidly, I look towards the girls’ toilets. “I need to go to the bathroom.”
“Right…yeah. I will come with you,” Samantha declares. “Conner, if you see Dylan, can you tell him I’m with Noya?”
“Sure…”
Once we reach the girls’ toilets, the bell for class rings, but we aren’t too bothered by it. Inside the cubicle, I sit down on the toilet seat while Samantha takes out a cigarette and a lighter. “So, what did Andy do?” Samantha says.
“How do you know Andy had anything to do with this?”
“Conner is here, and Andy isn’t.”
I bite my lower lip and nod.
“If you don’t tell me, I will get Dylan, and we will go to Andy’s home—”
“No,” I say. “I’ll tell you. Just don’t…I don’t want to cause a scene, so can you please keep it to yourself?”
Samantha responds with silence as she waits for my answer. I consider lying to her, but I’m uncertain if I can in my fragile state of shock. Then, as I glance at her, I know I can trust her with whatever I want to say.
The more we talk, the more she inhales her smoke, and the wider her eyes go. I try not to look at her for more than a few seconds at a time, wary of what her expression will be like the next time.
“What the fuck?” she breathes.
I stand, and she flicks the cigarette into the toilet. We have been here for the past hour, so we will stay here until recess and sneak out.
“You should report that to the police, Noya.”
“No,” I say with a shake of my head. “I just…want to move past it and pretend it never happened.”
“Noya, this is really serious and fucked up, and—”
“My choice,” I interrupt. “And I want to leave it alone, please.”
Her expression falters as the tears flood out. “Oh, Noya,” Samantha says as she wraps her arms around me, and I cry into her chest. “Are you going to be all right? We can hang out here all day, like the good old times.”
I breathe a laugh and say, “It’s fine.”
“What if Andy is there?”
“I’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure? I’m happy to ditch Dylan, and it can be just us.”
I pull away and wipe the tears with the back of my hand. “Thank you for being here with me, Samantha. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had you.”
Samantha leans in, her brown eyes softening. “You also have Conner.”
“Do I?” I say. “Or is he only my friend because he wants something more from me I can’t give?
” My hands tighten on the sleeves of my jumper, and I tug them over my hands.
“And after a certain amount of time, what if he expects this something from me and uses—” My bottom lip quivers, and I cannot go on with what I’m saying.
The bell for recess rings. I flinch, my eyes widening at the sound, and think of Andy being there, ready to talk to me about what happened last night.
“Are you ready?” Samantha asks.
I nod, not daring to speak.