30. Ten Reasons
TEN REASONS
Rise Up [Imagine Dragons]
Conner’s car is noticeable in daylight, and as he stops, I grab my bag and enter his car. As soon as I settle inside and close the door, I pause at what he’s wearing. Grey shirt and blue and grey flannel pyjama pants that leave little to the imagination.
“I was too lazy to get dressed. I’m going back to bed when I get home, anyway.”
“You shouldn’t have come, then,” I mutter as I clip the seatbelt across my chest.
“I wanted to see you off. I won’t be able to talk to you for two days. Where you’re going, there’s no reception.”
“How... The boys’ camping trip at the beginning of the year?”
“Yep.” He turns the music up, but I’m not in the mood to listen. Instead, I glance at my phone and the unsent text message. Biting my lower lip, I contemplate when I should send it or if I should—the thought of sending it while Conner is here sends a churning in my stomach.
“Are you okay?” he says. “Nervous?”
I blink out of my tormented thoughts, realising we are already at school. “Y-Yes,” I say. “I’m nervous about camping, but I know Samantha wouldn’t bail on me without a text.”
“Come on,” Conner says as he steps out, and I follow suit with my bag. Samantha is with her two other friends, and when she notices me, she waves me over.
There are two buses, and our year adviser is next to the bus that Samantha stands near. The girls outside the other bus glare at me, and I notice Sarah Jane. It’s hard not to remember her. She made a great first impression when she pushed me down the stairs.
Conner wraps his arm around my shoulders. Heat prickles my cheeks, but I don’t let it get to me too much. I know Conner isn’t doing it to stir their emotions. He’s doing it because he’s aware I’m uncomfortable and hopes his presence will deter them from taking any action.
“You made it!” Samantha clasps her hands together. “Hey, Conner.”
“Hey,” he replies with a nudge of his chin.
Samantha gestures to her friends and says, “You remember Reen and Zarya, right?”
“From sports,” I agree. They walk with Samantha and me in P.E. whenever we have to run laps. They are friendly and mostly hang out with their boyfriends near the cafeteria, so I don’t talk to them much.
“Hey,” I say, but they’re gawking at Conner.
“All right,” Miss More calls. “Year eleven students only on this bus. Come on! File in!”
A line forms, and Conner and I are at the back. He holds my sports bag while my hand rests in my pocket, clutching my phone. The line moves quickly, leaving us no time to talk. When it’s my turn to step on, Conner hands me my bag with a smile. “I’ll see you Monday morning. Usual time,” he says.
“Thanks for driving me here.” As the doors close behind me, I push the send button.
“Okay, Miss Taylor. Put your bag over your seat.”
Samantha hails me over, and I make my way toward her. Renee and Zarya are in the row before us. I place my bag on the seat next to me and sit down. She jumps up and down in glee.
My focus drifts to the window, and my stomach drops when I notice Conner with his phone. The bus rumbles to life, and as we drift away from the curb, he looks up with his jaw dropped and eyes wide in disbelief.
I blush profusely and turn away.
My phone vibrates, and I squeeze it more tightly. As I muster enough courage, I take a peek at it, and my stomach does backflips.
Conner: You send that when you’re leaving????
Samantha leans over, pursing her lips. “What did you send him?”
I blush while scrolling up and showing her the long message I’ve been delaying since I wrote it last night.
“Wow. You’re giving me butterflies reading it.” She giggles.
“It doesn’t sound… desperate?”
“I mean, Conner is going to be desperate for your return,” she laughs. “Fuck me, Noya. Maybe I should get you to help me write one for Dylan.”
My phone vibrates, and she sees it before I can and barks a laugh. “He is a simp.”
Conner: I’m wearing my mum’s dress. I will sneak onto the year twelve bus, and we will discuss this text message when I see you at camp.
Me: No.
Samantha howls while touching my shoulder.
Conner: Lol. See you Monday morning, then <3
Afterwards, I put my phone in my pocket, deciding his message was a good end note.
The bus ride will last three hours. Samantha, Renee, and Zarya speak amongst themselves. I find it comforting that they don’t seem malicious or rude when I have difficulty talking, as they press for information about Conner.
I know they have boyfriends, but I find it weird. The questions they ask remind me of a girl wanting to know if the boy has ever noticed her before. Then Samantha says it outright to confirm it, forcing them to go on the defensive.
I lean back while Renee and Zarya speak amongst themselves again. Samantha leans against the glass with her eyes closed. All the energy she had earlier has faded away.
I take out my phone, scroll up, and reread what I sent Conner.
Me: Ten things I like about you, Conner:
1: You make me feel comfortable. Context: The first time we ate in your car, it made me nervous to eat until you did.
It made me feel more relaxed to eat like I would eat.
You don’t grab and touch me, but wait for me to initiate.
You doing that puts me at ease, and… honestly… it makes me want you more.
2: Your self-confidence. Context: You walk with a destination or purpose. Even in McDonald’s, you seemed assured. And when you sang my favourite song at school. (P.S… don’t do that again. It’s embarrassing).
3: You feed me. Context: Does there need to be one?
4: You push me to be a better version of myself.
Context: I am a shut-in. I know that. I know that if there were an option to watch and do, I’d watch.
If someone handed me a million dollars and said that if I took the money, I’d be famous, and if I didn’t, I’d stay the same, I’d stay the same.
But since you, you’ve pushed me further than I thought possible.
I’ve conquered one of my many fears because of you.
5: I like that you’re considerate. Context: When you smoke, you blow the smoke away from me. When I don’t want to talk, you don’t press.
6: The way you talk about your family. I can tell you’re all close and loving, and that’s… a big deal with me–more than I lead on, honestly.
7: When you sing and our taste in music (no, I’m not recycling your answer).
Sometimes, when you sing, it seems like you’re singing to me.
And I know that’s inconsiderate of me to think, and I might be reading too much into it because of my maladaptive daydreaming…
but yeah… I might delete this reason later.
8: You bring me back to reality and send me off to my daydreams. I must confess that I’ve daydreamed about kissing you; they frequently come now.
It’s a little frustrating, but I think it’s positive, considering I’ve never daydreamed about kissing anyone–I don’t include any members of Imagine Dragons.
9: You get my art. You get me.
10: You saved me. That night–the first night at the Service Station… since then, you’ve saved me from my nightmares. I know you’re interested in learning more about me, and one day, I’ll tell you more. However, I’d like you to know that you saved me that night.
11: Confession. These aren’t ten things I like about you… These are ten things I love about you. And I probably won’t send this until I’m at camp. I’m too scared of your reaction, so I’ll use this as an opportunity to delay it. I’ll see you Monday, Conner.