Maladaptive

33. Pictures

PICTURES

Be Somebody [Thousand Foot Krutch]

I Climb [Thousand Foot Krutch]

I missed the storm, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t have to clean up after it. Dad busted Mum’s leg and is now sleeping as if he weren’t the problem, cause, and why the home looks like a dumpster hit it.

Entering the bathroom, I grab the numbing cream and painkillers and hand them to Mum. She’s resting on the lounge, curled up with a blanket over her.

When I entered my home after Conner dropped me off, she was in my bed, with her leg over the sheets, and blood seeping into them.

I wrapped a bandage around her leg, removed her from my room, tossed the sheets in the washing machine, and went back into the living room to place a blanket over her, for she was trembling from shock.

She falls asleep within half an hour of me giving her the painkillers and numbing cream. As she rests, I wash the dishes, pick up the beer bottles littering the ground, and wash the floor, removing droplets of blood and pasta sauce stains.

Afterwards, I fill up a cup of water and place it on the coffee table with more painkillers. She will wake in a few hours in pain again. I wish I could do more for her, but my thoughts drift to the electricity bill. Trouble awaits us both if the TV goes out. She will understand.

In my room, I place fresh sheets on my bed, and by the time I clean my room, Dad is awake. I stop what I’m doing until I hear the bathroom door close. Sagging my shoulders, I go to my desk and rewrite my English assignment. It’s hard to do, considering my mind returns to when Conner and I kissed.

My face burns at the thought of his lips finding mine again in the car when we said goodbye. It was brief. A flutter of a kiss, but it was enough to send butterflies fluttering inside my stomach.

“So, you’re home?” I jump at the sound of Dad’s voice. He leans against the doorframe, eyes narrowing. When I merely nod, he slaps the frame with his hand and says, “You can put your door back on. I’m sick of your fucking snoring.”

“Okay…Thank you.”

With a grunt, he says, “When you’re finished with the door, get me some more beer.” He drops a twenty-dollar note on the ground and walks away.

I leave my seat, grab the money and say, “I’ll get it now.”

“Why?” he says as he turns to me. “Are you afraid that if you don’t get me my beer first, I’ll hit yah or something?”

“No,” I lie.

He sneers. “You’re a terrible liar, Noya. Always have been.” Dad raises his hand, and as I recoil, he laughs darkly and walks away. “Thought so.”

I bite my lip to keep the tears from spilling.

Not yet. Not when he is looking.

He wanted me to put my door back on for a reason. Still, the walls are thin, and the sound carries as I stare at my still fan.

“Stay fucking still,” Dad moans.

I roll over to my nightstand, grab my headphones, plug them in, and turn the volume up on “I Climb” by Thousand Foot Krutch until my eardrums burst.

I want it to numb out the sounds of everything and anything.

I want to return to this morning, and when he stood before me with that majestic smile.

I want to be there again, where he carefully held me like porcelain.

My mind rests on repeat, back where the beds don’t creak, nor do the bodies break. I lay there with him, and everything within this home fades away.

There’s no sound the following morning. My parents’ door was closed, and the home remained clean.

I leave earlier than usual, not wanting to see her face once she leaves the room. I’m not ignorant. I know the hell she must have been in last night, but while she stands still, frozen in time, I’m moving forward and finding my way out.

I’m saving myself.

My stomach knots together as Conner pulls up at the bus stop. I bite my bottom lip, grab my bag, and shuffle into his car. As I glance at him momentarily, heat blushes across my cheeks. I’m not as confident as yesterday, and so I look away quickly.

“Morning,” he says, and I hear the hint of amusement in his voice.

“Morning,” I breathe.

“You're working tonight, aren’t you?” he says as we pull away from the bus stop.

“Yes…why?”

“I remember the days you worked, but you also said you picked up another day to make up for last week. I wasn’t sure if it was today or Friday—I was hoping it was today.”

“Why?”

“I want you to meet my family this Friday.”

“Oh…okay.” My hands tighten on my jeans as I say, “What if they don’t like me?”

“Heh,” Conner chuckles. “They will love you. I speak highly of you. My mum’s especially excited, and she is the harshest critic, so…take that as a compliment.”

I smile. “I can’t wait to meet, um…Noah and Charlotte.”

“Yeah.” He smiles fondly at the mention of his siblings. “You are an only child, right?”

I nod.

“Was it lonely for you growing up?”

I look out the window and say, “I don’t mind being alone.”

“Oh…Should I leave you alone, then?”

“No!” I spin towards him, and my hands grab the edge of the seat, and my eyes feel like they’re about to bulge out of their sockets.

Conner stops at the light, a sly smile on his face. “I’d never do that.” He leans in quickly, pecking me on the lips. “You’re mine now.”

“That’s a little possessive,” I mumble, the heat already crawling down my neck.

He barks a laugh as he says, “Says the one who screamed ‘No!’ when I said I’d leave you alone.”

Leaning back in my seat, I laugh and admit that I sounded a little possessive.

We talk all the way to school. Samantha and I had fun at camp, but I mentioned that it was not that great. He listens as I explain the questionable and cramped room we stayed in, all the way to the outdoor showers and that it didn’t have hot water.

As I speak, my focus shifts to his lips and how they curve into a smile or frown in moments.

I forget what I’m talking about, realising Samantha is right.

The first kiss is the doorway to yearning for more, and as much as I fear Conner would be the one wanting more, it’s me.

I’m afraid of myself the most as I picture his lips finding mine again.

He parks in his usual spot and turns off the car. I glare at his lap as he fiddles with his keys. The heat creeps across my neck, flushing my cheeks. I thought I was more daring and outspoken, but asking for a kiss before leaving seems too much for me to handle.

“Stop overthinking it,” Conner says, his voice closer than expected. I blink, only to realise he is in front of me with his arm resting on my headrest. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

“Uh…” I nod, as trembling breaths shatter out of my mouth.

Conner breathes a laugh as he leans into me.

My fingers twitch against the seat as his lips meet mine.

Closing my eyes, I let him move his hand over my jaw, across my cheek, and then rest on the back of my head.

My hands move to his chest before sliding to his shoulders and staying there.

Hunger swarms inside me, deepening the kiss, only for him to pull away, a sound between a grunt and a moan escaping him.

“Noya,” he says breathlessly. “We should stop.”

“Sorry,” I murmur. “I got a little carried away.”

“It’s okay, baby,” he says as he grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. “We have a lifetime.”

My eyes widen at him calling me “baby”. Then, if that isn’t enough, him declaring that we have a lifetime makes the tears slip down my cheeks involuntarily.

“Are you okay?” He scans my face. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

I shake my head as I wipe the tears away and sniff. “It’s…I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Conner.”

Conner’s body relaxes, and he touches my cheek, his thumb brushing away the tear. Then, he presses his lips against my forehead and murmurs, “You’re making it hard to leave this car.”

“I know,” I sob-laugh and wrap my arms around Conner and bury my head in the side of his neck. “Just…give me a minute, please.”

Conner hums, singing softly into my hair as I release all these pent-up emotions.

The gears turn, and the darkness instilled in me leaves.

Basking in the sun, letting it soak into my pores, and revelling in the turning of the leaves.

It’s what I want. What I dream about each waking moment.

But as much as I want to be the knight, the one with the sword and in the armour, it isn’t realistic.

And so he came instead. He became the knight I couldn’t be.

Easing out of the embrace, I sigh when the bell for class rings. Our time in his haven is up, and he gets out first and goes around to my side and opens the door. As I leave the car, the summer air brushes against me, drying the tears and naturally flushing my cheeks.

Conner walks me to my class, and as he leaves, he tells me he’ll see me around the back of the building when it’s recess.

I then go to English, and Samantha is already in her seat, with a broad grin on her face.

Before I can sit down, questions blurt out of her mouth, and with every question, I shrink lower, pretending I don’t hear her lewd, crude questions.

“Oh my god! When Conner kissed you after you got off the bus, it turned me on,” Samantha says as she does her dance of glee.

“Stop,” I whisper.

“Were you in his car this morning and making out? I saw he parked, but you both didn’t get out.” She then pouts as she says, “He has tinted windows, so I couldn’t see anything.”

“Samantha,” I hiss and grab at her arm. She giggles, and her laughter is contagious, making me laugh and say, “No. We were talking…”

Julien turns in his seat and faces us with his phone in his hand. “Hey, Sammy, do you want to check out this photo?”

“Of what?” she asks, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. “If it’s another lame meme you’re trying to create, I’d rather not.”

“Nah. It’s way better than that.”

I look between them before ducking my head and getting back to work. From the corner of my eye, Samantha takes the phone, and, not even a second later, she hands the phone back to him and cringes. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” she spits. “Why did you show me someone’s nudes!?”

Julien laughs as he says, “It’s been going around school this morning. Brody from Year Twelve sent it to me. It’s pretty fucked up, right? I mean, I think it’s Emo Emma just wanting attention, sending nudes from a burner phone or something.”

“Didn’t you date Emo Emma last year?” Mark says.

Julien kicks his chair and says, “Shut up. Don’t fucking remind me.”

“Why do you think it’s her nudes?” Samantha asks.

“She constantly does things for attention—and did you see those bruises on the girl’s stomach and legs?” My hand tightens on my pen. “C’mon, it has to be her.”

I lean forward, my focus locked on the phone. “Can I see it?”

“Huh?” Julien notices me for the first time and smirks. “Sure. Here.”

I take hold, and the phone feels as if it weighs a ton.

The phone lights up in my hands, and a sickness already stirs in my stomach.

Staring at a picture of myself, I hold the bile in.

It’s blurry, and at the time of the photo, I had my head tipped back as the water rushed down my chest. However, there’s no denying it’s me.

The flash heightens the bruises across my stomach and legs, highlighting the pain and torture I underwent the night Dad had come home drunkenly angry. And now it’s here, on someone’s phone.

Samantha leans towards me, ogling my naked body again. “It looks like the creepy showers we went to on camp,” she muses.

I bite my lip to hold in the tremble as I hand Julien the phone. After he takes it, I say, “That’s disgusting.”

“Right?” Samantha agrees. “Whoever took it is fucked up.”

“It was Emo Emma. I’m telling ya!” Julien insists with a chuckle.

“I don’t know,” Samantha says in a doubtful tone. “I don’t think anyone would want that photo to get out.”

My stomach tenses at her words, even though I know it’s true.

“Well, whoever that is can’t hide it for long,” Mark sniggers.

“Why? What do you mean?” I ask.

“Some girls are already flashing their stomachs to prove it,” he replies. “No bruises, not them.”

“See!” Julien slaps Mark on the shoulder. “That’s why I think it’s Emma. She always wears daggy clothes and barely shows any skin.”

“True,” Mark muses.

“Maybe we should get someone to lift her jumper and see?”

“Dude, lay off,” Samantha snaps. “Fucking leave it alone.”

They roll their eyes and turn back around after the teacher clears her throat.

The bell rings, and I place my English book in my bag and head out with Samantha. As we walk, giggles and whispered conversations surround me. They are all on their phones, showing others my darkest secret to the entire school.

I feel violated. More violated than Andy forcing himself on me, and that’s telling.

“Um, I’ll see you soon. I really need to go to the toilet,” I tell Samantha.

“Did you want me to come?”

“No,” I say and force a smile. “Can you tell Conner I’ll be there soon?”

“Sure! See you in a bit.”

I walk across the open area where everyone huddles around the cafeteria. I bypass someone in the year below me who is actively showing their group of guy friends the photo, sniggering, which causes the bile to rise.

As I reach the toilets, I enter the first available one, open the lid and throw up. Wretched, choking gasps come out, and my entire body trembles. I can’t stay still, shaking and hyperventilating against the wall after emptying my stomach.

“Fuck,” I choke through heaving gasps. “Fucking hell. What do I do? I don’t want to go out there!” I drag my hands through my hair, and the tears slip down my cheeks. My legs buckle and weaken, and my chest rises and falls so fast, and my breath can’t keep up. “I don’t know what to do,” I sob.

They saw me. Everyone saw me. They’re laughing at me. Samantha finds my body repulsive and disturbing. The guys in school are violating my body…

Why? How? Who took the photo? Why was I so stupid and had a shower naked instead of wearing swimmers or something?

Why am I so stupid!?

They’re going to find out. You heard what Mark said. Girls are already showing everyone their stomachs to prove they aren’t the ones in the photo. Soon enough, I’ll be the last one left, and then everyone will know it’s me, and…

What do I do? What do I say?

I wrap my arms around my stomach and bow my head onto my knees.

Noya, you’re going to get up and leave the toilets and pretend nothing is wrong, okay? No one will know it’s you yet…but the more you hide in here, the more people are going to figure it out. Pretend as if nothing is wrong.

I take a deep breath, inhaling the bleach-scented air, and then exhale. I do it a few times until my breathing calms down, and I feel as if I will not vomit or cry.

I can do this…hopefully.