48. Realisation
REALISATION
Radioactive [Imagine Dragons]
I lay in bed on Sunday night, staring at the still fan. My fingers run over my breast, and I shiver at the reminder of Conner’s lips on me, kissing me tenderly in places I’ve never imagined.
That feeling… I’ve never felt that before. The ecstasy, excitement, and heat between…
I sit up and shake my head. Nope. I will not think about it again. It seems to get me worked up over the mere thought of his… his lips on…
I groan while falling back onto the pillow.
Samantha is right. After the first kiss, a doorway opens, and I can never contain the lust and passion again.
I’ve never thought I’d be so carefree and not shy at all about him seeing me.
It also helped that it was dark, so we were submerged in darkness when I removed my pants and underwear.
He wouldn’t have seen the bruises. I’m sure that if he had, he still wouldn’t have done that.
I’d think he’d be more hysterical, demanding to know why there were bruises there or on my skin at all.
The door to our home slams, and I jolt out of my not-so-innocent thoughts.
I reach for my phone on the bedside table and tuck it under my pillow.
The light comes on in the living room, and I glare at the light seeping under the door.
A shadow moves past, and I stiffen, feeling my joints tighten until the shadow fades and the TV turns on.
I sag my shoulders and relax.
“Are you hungry?” Mum’s voice comes into focus.
“No,” Dad snaps. “Fuck off out of my sight, slut.”
“John,” Mum breathes.
“You know what,” Dad growls. “Why don’t you go fuck my boss again?”
“John, Noya is home!” Mum hisses.
“Huh? I thought she was at Samantha’s,” Dad spits. Then he laughs bitterly. “No matter. It’s about time she learns how much of a slut her mum is.”
I move without thinking. My feet take me to my door, and my hand twists the lock. I’m seconds away from opening the door when I hear Mum sobbing. My grip on the doorknob loosens.
“Why won’t you forgive me?” she cries. “It was a mistake. One mistake, John.”
“Because while I was providing for our family, you were fucking my boss!” I flinch when I hear the blow and know Dad hit Mum. “And then you try to leave, telling people I was abusive!”
“You were,” Mum chokes out.
“It doesn’t give you the right to leave… and with my daughter! Fuck no! No one fucking leaves me! No one fucking leaves this house! No one takes me for a fool and then tries to run away!” he roars. “I built this family! And neither you nor Noya is leaving this family. You’re going to stay.”
I crack the door without making a sound. Dad grips Mum’s hair and lifts her off the ground. She is gritting her teeth, and tears stream down her face.
“You know what will happen if you leave. All those prescription drugs you steal and those syringes in your drawer.” He grabs Mum’s jaw and squeezes her cheeks, saying, “You will go to jail, and while you’re locked up for your crimes, you will beg me to get you out.”
Mum’s eyes widen, and she chokes out a sob.
“I’ll make sure my friends come by your cell every night and fuck you until you bleed.” He pushes her down to the ground and grips his belt.
I close the door, open the first drawer, take out my headphones, and drown them with “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons.
All this time, I’ve tried to figure out why Mum stays.
What is her reasoning for staying with such a monster like Dad?
But it’s more complicated than I thought.
There’s guilt—a lot of blame for cheating on him.
Except, staying with him just because of the cheating and guilt still makes little sense.
What made sense was always right in front of me. There are an immense number of prescription bottles in the bathroom. Now, the fear of going to jail could be the reason for not leaving. The fear is that Dad is a police officer and can twist it any way he sees fit if Mum leaves.
I bite my lip and feel tears streaming down my face because she still chose wrong. This home is also a prison.