46. Evan
CHAPTER 46
Evan
“ I ’m so sorry for your loss, Evan.”
I look down at her, my face stoic. My emotions are shoved down so deep inside me that I’m apathetic and detached. “It’s fine, Lexi.” My gaze moves back to my mom’s casket. “I’m fine.”
Her face is skeptical, but she doesn’t call me out. Her tone is gentle and low, a whisper on the breeze. “Can you tell me what happened to her?”
My chin lowers to my chest. The rage begins to build as the abandonment creeps in. “She left me.”
It feels like my chest walls are caving in.
Lexi watches me intently, barely blinking as she tries to process how to handle me. “She left you? Like ran out on you or….”
My head snaps up before swiveling to her. “She killed herself.”
Lexi’s mouth drops open. “Oh, God. I’m sorry.” She shakes her head, her eyes filling with tears. “What happened?”
I’ve never talked about my mom with another woman before. Not since I was a kid.
My father’s endless stream of ex-girlfriends tried prying the information from me, but I kept my mouth shut. That prompted trips to various therapists over the years because of my “behavioral problems and anger issues” from my mom’s “death.”
“My dad was cheating on her.” My voice is devoid of any emotion, echoing around the mausoleum.
Lexi blinks up at me in surprise.
“My mom was an innocent, church-going girl when she met my father. Her father was working for my grandfather, Alistair.” A heavy sigh escapes me. “My father saw an opportunity when my mom’s dad started embezzling money. Rather than turn him over to my grandfather, he struck a deal. If my mom married my father, he’d keep it quiet and give him a promotion.” My eyes drop to hers. “The promotion involved risky, illegal behavior that kept him under my father’s thumb.”
Lexi rolls her eyes. “The Whitmore men have quite the history of making people do stuff for their own gain.”
A smile blooms across my lips. “We take what we want. I call that ambition.”
“I have a lot of other names for it, none of which are ambition.”
I crush her tighter against me, chuckling before I inhale her honeysuckle scent deep into my lungs. “You’re good at making me laugh, bellissima,” I mutter against the silky strands of her hair. It’s amazing how I went from apathetic to feeling things I shouldn’t.
“I’m glad. If I can only make you have morals.” The scent of alcohol is still on her breath when she exhales, growing serious. “Can you tell me more about her?”
The smile vanishes from my face. I swallow a few times, trying to keep the misery where it belongs—so deep inside of me that I’m unaware of it. Even though I know I’m deluding myself. It festers in the darkness.
“My mom didn’t wanna marry my father. She had dreams for herself that didn’t include being a trophy wife and mother. But my father squashed them. He removed her birth control without her knowledge or consent. Then he knocked her up. He hired people to watch her constantly to ensure she didn’t get an abortion.”
“What the fuck is wrong with your father?” Her voice is full of bitterness. “No wonder you do the things you do.”
My hand latches onto her chin, yanking it to me. She gasps at the rough touch and anger in my eyes. “I’m not like him. ”
She swallows hard, eying me skeptically.
“I’m not.” With a sigh, I spin her around, pressing my front against her back. I don’t want her to see my devastated face as I allow my deepest vulnerabilities and insecurities to come to light.
My headlights shine through the open mausoleum door, illuminating her face so I see the doubt. It bothers me more than I like. “My mom wasn’t happy with her life. She did her best to pretend, but anytime she thought I wasn’t watching, the sadness on her face cut straight through me.”
Lexi squeezes my hands around her waist but remains quiet.
“The older I got, the more I noticed the tension between them. My father worked all the time and traveled a lot. My mom had some freedom to come and go, but my father kept us on a short leash.”
Lexi snorts. “Sounds familiar.”
I chuckle. “Watch it, Lexi.” I rub my cock against her ass. “I enjoy punishing you.”
She shivers, and I smile.
But the past haunts me, making my smile fade.
I bow my head and inhale her scent, letting it calm me. “My mom wanted more kids, probably to occupy her time. I think she feared the day I’d grow up and leave, and she’d be alone with him.”
“My father told her he didn’t want any more kids, which nearly destroyed her. Still, she tried convincing him.” I swallow against the knot in my throat, hating him for destroying her. “It wasn’t long before she discovered the affairs he’d been having.”
Lexi gasps, her hands tightening around mine.
“He stopped hiding it and would come home late, reeking of another woman’s perfume. His hair and tie were askew, lipstick on his collar.” I can’t keep the bitterness out of my voice. I despise him for cheating on her every chance he got. “Some nights, he didn’t come home at all.”
“Why didn’t he just let her go if he didn’t want any more kids and couldn’t keep his dick out of other women?”
I snort at her words, agreeing wholeheartedly with her. Had he let us go, my life would have turned out differently. But I can’t change the past or who I’ve become.
“Power and control. Not to mention, my mom was a beautiful trophy wife. She looked good on his arm. Provided a sense of family and stability in the eyes of his business associates.”
I bury my face in her hair, gathering my strength. “She caught him fucking one of the servants. The only one my mom considered to be a friend. Even worse, the betrayal was continuously shoved in my mom’s face as the servant’s stomach swelled with my father’s child.”
Lexi gasps. “Oh my God.”
“It gets worse.” I stare vacantly at my mom’s casket. “My father wanted my mother to pretend she was pregnant and raise it as my sibling.”
She gasps, looking at me over her shoulder.
Hatred wells inside me as I squeeze Lexi’s fingers. “My mom refused. The whole situation was a bitter pill she couldn’t swallow.”
“I don’t blame her. That’s awful.”
“My mom demanded a divorce. My father refused. She demanded he either have the maid terminate the pregnancy or fire her, but my dad wouldn’t do either.”
“I fucking hate your father even more…” Her voice trails off as she looks at me over her shoulder. “Sorry.”
I shake my head. “Don’t be. Trust me, I understand.” I give her a small smile before continuing. “My mom became so depressed that she refused to get out of bed. My father forced her to see a doctor, and she was prescribed medication. She began drinking, although her doctor told her not to.”
“Oh no.” Lexi looks at me over her shoulder. “Did she….”
“Die? Yes.” Clearing my throat, I’m lost in the haunting memory. “I was eleven years old and was bringing her breakfast in bed when I found her unresponsive.”
Lexi turns in my arms, flinging her arms around my neck. “Oh God. I’m sorry.”
I cling to her, never wanting to let her go.
“The autopsy report stated she had excessive amounts of anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills, and alcohol in her system. It was a recipe for certain death.” I shake my head. “I know she did it deliberately. She wanted to escape.”
Lexi’s hands rub over my back. She remains quiet, letting me get it out.
The sweet scent of her hair muffles my voice. “My life was hell after that. I didn’t realize how much my mom protected me from my father’s bullshit until she was gone.”
She pulls back slightly. “It’s okay to grieve the loss of her.”
Bitterness tinges my voice. “Oh, I grieved her, Lexi. So fucking much. But I’m also pissed at her. She was a coward for taking the easy way out and leaving me to deal with him alone.”
My organs turn cold and hard as I stare at her casket. Resentment fills every facet of me.
Anger fills me as my gaze moves to Lexi. “I am who I am. Don’t think you can change me. There’s isn’t a soft man beneath my exterior, waiting for the right girl to let him out.”
Lexi shivers, but I don’t stop. She needs to understand who and what I am—a monster obsessed with her.
“I’m like my father and grandfather in that I take what I want when I want it. Not caring who gets hurt along the way, as long as I’m satisfied.” My grip changes, my fingers digging into her arms, making her wince. “Where I differ is that I don’t fucking cheat. I hate it. When I’m with someone, she’s mine, and I’m hers. No exceptions.” I glower at her, the muscle in my jaw working. “ No one between us.”
Her hands cup my face. “I know who you are, Evan. I’m not here to try and change you.” A small smile crosses her face. “I must be as unhinged as you to say this, but… I like who you are. The obsessive, possessive, controlling asshole. I think I’m in love with him.”
I know she’s been drinking, but I see the truth in her eyes.
Damn, I hope she remembers this tomorrow.
There’s no turning back from this. No walking away from her confession. She’s mine, and I’m hers. Forever.
“I know I’m in love with you, Lexi.”