Chapter 32
Everyone around me believes moving forward means leaving your past behind you.
They all say it weighs you down. Some even numb the pain in their past with substances.
So maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing to forget…
Maybe something is screaming out to me to leave it alone because it knows I won’t survive it.
But can I ignore a blank chunk of my life?
I already know the answer to that. I’ll do everything in my power to find the missing pieces, even if their jagged edges slice me open.
The only warmth and comfort I’ve known all my life was with Beatrice.
She was my light, the sun that shone through all my dark, and somehow, ever since her light faded, Malik’s darkness drew me in further…
and I let it. I thought it would be cold, dreary and grim, but it’s comfortable, silent and peaceful.
Tonight may be the only night I get to truly explore what it means to step into it. To immerse myself in it completely and let it overcome me. I’m not afraid of it anymore, to admit what I truly want and what makes me feel alive.
Malik’s rough hands explore my body, caressing my breasts beneath my dress as I press myself against him. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring. So I want tonight to be everything I missed. I want his darkness, and I don’t want him to hold back.
“If I asked you to do something for me…”
He slides his hand into my panties as I tip my head back, resting it on his chest.
“I’ll do anything,” he murmurs, the deepness of his voice like the Devil’s dare. His fingers move over my clit, pressing down until I moan.
“I can’t stop thinking about what you said at the club.”
His lips leave wet kisses on my neck as I move my hips over his hand, wanting the rougher version of his touch.
“You said you wanted to…fuck me when I was asleep.”
I feel him harden, his cock pressing up against my lower back as he groans. “Is that what you want, Isla? To wake up feeling the ache between your legs?”
“Yes,” I breathe as he slides two long fingers inside me, his other hand pulling down my bra to pinch my hard nipple. “I want to take it back. The power they stole from me, my memories. I want to steal it all back, and you’re the only person I trust to keep me safe through it.”
“What are you asking of me, Isla?” he rasps, tracing his tongue on the shell of my ear, his hot breath on my skin igniting the inferno inside me.
“Chase me,” I whisper. “Fuck me, even when I say no. Be the hunter and I’ll be your prey.”
“Fuck,” he groans, grinding his cock into my back like he’s been waiting for me to ask. “You know I’d give you anything you ask for. But before we start, we need a safe word.”
I’m about to tell him I don’t want one because I want to test my limits, to push myself to the edge just to loosen the roots of my memories, but I know he’ll insist. “You know that even if we pick one, I won’t say it.”
“Isla,” he warns, slipping his fingers deeper inside me. “I need to know when you’ve had enough.”
“Fine. Honey. That’s my safe word.”
“Why honey?” he asks, threading his fingers through my hair and pulling my neck to the side to expose my neck.
“Because your eyes remind me of dark leatherwood honey.”
He chuckles, sucking the skin on my neck and swirling his tongue up toward my ear. There’s an ache between my legs when he removes his fingers, the arousal coursing through me like fire as he brings his lips to my ear again. “Shall we start? Or do you need a countdown?”
“Before we begin,” I say, turning to face him, the moonlight from the early morning casting light on his high cheekbones. “I want you to know I’m not going to hold back.”
His mouth opens slightly, his tongue flicking out, and I catch it, sucking it into my mouth. There’s a shift in the air, his demeanour morphing from a lover into something akin to an animal with primal hunger.
When I release his tongue, the muscle in his jaw ticks as he frees me from his hold. “Run, Little Nycto,” he whispers. I take a step back, and as I’m about to round the archway down the stairs, I hear him again. “Because I will always find you.”
An involuntary smile breaks across my face as I sprint down the steps, a rush of excitement surging through me.
Stepping through the front door, I slam it behind me, but I don’t check to see if he’s chasing me because I can feel him, his pull magnetic and ferocious.
It takes me no time at all to slip through the rotted wooden fence and into the vast, open land with tall, overgrown grass.
I whip through it with no idea where I’m headed, and although my lungs burn, each breath sharp as I inhale, something inside me flickers.
The intensity of the rush of fear, of being caught, mixed with the arousing elation of what’s going to happen after, is intoxicating.
With each lunge I make, the more I want to chase that feeling.
Thin grass whips at my face as I push through it, the moonlight just bright enough for me to see the mud on my boots until I’m out of the grass maze, staring straight at an old barn.
I wonder how long it’ll take for him to find me here.
Then I hear his footsteps sloshing through the mud behind me. On instinct, I sprint toward the barn, heading to the back to find an entrance, when a twig snaps behind me. I whip around, my heart in my throat as I stare out into the silence of the night.
I can’t see him, but I know he’s there.
My hand finds the round ring on the old door, and I lean into it with my weight.
It doesn’t take much force to open. I step inside and close it behind me.
The air is damp and musty, like it’s been soaking up the countless seasons in the years it’s been sitting here.
Small rays of light shine through the weathered wood as the sun begins to rise.
I search for a place to hide, but aside from rusty tools, an old cart probably used to store hay, the space is entirely open.
I look up to a large hole in the roof, when a sound draws my attention back to the moment.
Clunk.
Clunk.
Clunk.
It’s coming from outside, like someone’s taken a crowbar and is running it over the walls of the barn.
I take a few steps back, my shoulders now hitting the damp wood behind me.
The air grows thicker, my heart pounding wildly out of control, and I think I imagine it, the shadows inside the barn moving, until his voice, low and grating, slices through them.
“Couldn’t find a better place to hide, Little Nycto?”
A shiver rolls through me as I press my legs together. There isn’t a window large enough for me to crawl out of. The only exit is the one he’s now standing in, tall and menacing, exactly like the hunter I asked him to be.
Then it happens, the blinding pain in my head behind my eyes like a torturous dream, bringing the memories to the surface again.
Just a bit more.
Dry leaves and hay crunch beneath his feet as he steps closer to me, the mud splashing onto his grey pants around the ankles.
Eyeing the old wood on the floor beside me, I make a move first, aiming to grab it before he steps toward me, but he raises his arm to shield himself from my attack.
I slam the wood down hard, but it breaks in two, the old, withered pieces falling to the floor.
His sinister smile appears, like his regular mask slips from his face, revealing the person he is beneath.
I try to step around him, but he catches me, pulling the crowbar over my throat, pressing me back into him as I struggle in his hold.
“So this is what you’ve been looking for on all those search bars,” he says, pulling me closer. “I knew you liked to live in the darkest parts of your soul, Little Nycto.”
“Only with you,” I breathe, driving my heel onto the top of his foot.
“Fuck,” he groans, the sound of his voice laced with pain and pleasure as his grip around the crowbar loosens. I slide out, and he chuckles, followed by the clank of the metal falling to the floor. He grabs me by the nape and whirls me around. “How far do you want me to go?”
He sucks my lips into his mouth, biting down onto the bottom one until a sting forces me to whimper. I taste the metallic tang of blood as he sucks down on my lip.
I don’t want you to stop until I remember something.
“Don’t you dare stop,” I say through the headache blooming across my vision. He yanks at the front of my dress, tearing it in half, the cool breeze from the open barn door brushing over my stomach.
“Is this what you like?” he asks, curling his hand around my neck. I grip him by the shirt, wanting to pull him in, to feel him on my skin. The air is squeezed from my throat and lungs as he forces me back into the closest wall, spreading my legs with his knee.
I revel in the harshness of his hold, blinking through the tears stinging behind my eyes as the pressure mounts.
My lips move on their own, tipping up into a smile when his fingers undo my bra, the material falling to my feet.
A bright white flash across my vision pulls me back into the past, and as much as I try to see through the fog, Malik’s touch brings me back.
His tongue swirls around my nipple, his teeth clamping down hard until I scream.
I catch his stare, the possessive look in his eyes like he wants to own me…to control me.
Why does it make everything in me shiver?
He stands to full height, pressing down onto my shoulders, making me kneel.
“I’ve waited weeks to feel the warmth of your throat.” He pulls down his pants to expose his cock, thick and hard, ready for whatever he has planned.
I steady myself on his thighs, digging my nails into his bare skin, watching the way his cock spasms at the sensation.
“I wonder if, after this, your preference to be choked with my hand as your favourite necklace changes to the bulge of my cock in your throat.”
His crude words produce a thrilling wave of excitement through me, my pulse beating through my skin.
“But this time, Little Nycto,” he growls, guiding the tip of his cock over my lips, the salty precum like an appetiser of what’s to come. “I’m not going to stop until your tears decorate this pretty face. Until you either use the safe word or pass out.”
I part my lips to speak, but he takes the opportunity to force himself into my mouth, the crown of his cock pushing past my uvula. The thick veins press down on my tongue as he drives himself further. I open wider, accommodating him.
Breathe, breathe, breathe.
The chanting in my head is useless when he pinches my nose, the warm honey in his eyes like a volcanic blur of need. I dig my nails in harder, trying hard to keep my eyes open as the flashes of bright white lights sweep past my vision again.
This time I see something—a boy. A handsome teenage boy, standing above me with an extended hand.
I try to speak, but Malik has forced himself as far as he can down my throat, the sounds of my choking echoing in the empty space around us.
“Fuck, it’s like my favourite song,” he rasps, tipping his head back. The pressure behind my eyes builds, and just when I think I’ll pass out, he pulls himself out of my throat, my spit and saliva still connecting us. I heave the air in as I raise my hand.
He swats it away and grips my chin, tipping my neck back.
“I remembered something,” I whimper, the tears streaking down my face. His tone and demeanour shift instantly when he crouches to my level.
“Fuck.” He wipes the tears from my face. “Is this why you wanted to do this?” he asks, but I don’t answer him.
He doesn’t wait for me to use the safe word as he stands to pull his pants up and scoop me into his hold. I bury my face into his neck, the strong masculine smell like my own security blanket. I fold into him as he carries me back to the farmhouse.
His touch is like the scars I have that cannot be seen. Like whispers etched into my bones, marks that will be there even when I die. The memories will continue to be loud and relentless, I know this much, but it’s not the eruption they cause that haunts me.
It’s the silence they leave behind.
It’s the amplification of the empty spaces inside me, like I’ll never feel whole again.
Except this time, the voids I used to run from are being filled with Malik’s presence. Like the missing component to the formula I’ve been trying to carve out in my mind.
He’s the bridge I’ve been searching for, to help connect my past to my present, and now, he will be the key to unlock all the doors that once kept me out.