Chapter 27
CHAPTER 27
MALO
I pull up outside the compound, Thor in the front seat, and he looks at me in the rearview mirror. I can tell he’s worried about me, but he would never come out and put it into words. He knows I’m not the kind to spill my guts so easily, no matter what’s going on in my head.
“Beast wants to talk to you,” he tells me, as he opens the door. “You shouldn’t keep him waiting.”
I stifle a yawn. I’m fucking exhausted after the trip back from Mexico, and when I saw Thor waiting for me as I stepped off the plane, it felt like something of a relief, but then, it seems like he’s been sent to make sure I don’t run off and cause more trouble. These guys still don’t have faith in me, even after all these years, but then again I know I have given them reason to doubt my trustworthiness after everything I’ve pulled recently.
I climb out of the car, my shoulders slumped, and trudge toward Beast’s office. I get the feeling I know what this is about. Not like I’ve been doing a good job keeping my drug problem under wraps, especially if Blue and Maria were talking about it earlier. She probably told him about what she saw behind the bar, and, even though I haven’t taken anything since then, the chances of them believing me are pretty fucking small.
I arrive outside Beast’s office, and shift my weight from foot to foot as I prepare myself to go inside. He’s going to give me hell, I’m sure of it, and I don’t want to hear it right now. I already feel like enough of a failure as it is. Suggesting that trip out to Mexico, no, pushing for it, and then coming back with nothing to show for it but time wasted? Not even managing to find out where Maria’s father is, or how he’s doing? Yeah, if Beast is ready to tell me to step back from this, I wouldn’t be surprised.
I push open the door, and the look Beast gives me when his eyes settle on mine is enough to make my stomach curdle. He’s one of the only people in the world who can make me feel this way. Part of the reason he’s the one calling the shots around here, I figure, is because he knows how to lay down the law.
“Malo,” he greets me. “Sit.”
He nods at the seat opposite him, and I sink down into the spot he’s indicated. I feel defensive already, as though I’m ready to jump up and run out of here at a moment’s notice.
“Heard you went AWOL in Mexico,” he remarks, leaning back in his seat. “Want to explain what that was about?”
I don’t reply. He already knows the answer. He just wants to hear me say it, wants to hear me admit to it so he can give me the shit-talking I know I deserve.
“Because I remember a lot of times when you went out on those long rides by yourself before,” he continues, putting his feet up on the desk as he talks. “And you were always going out to score. Let me guess, that’s what you were doing out there?”
I nod bluntly. If I deny it, it’s just going to make things worse. If I lay down the truth now, I might be able to nip this in the bud before it spins any further out of control. Better to get it out there now than a few weeks down the line, when I might not have such grace from the guys around me. Secrecy has always been a huge trigger for my using, and I know Beast will catch on eventually no matter how much I try to keep it from him, anyway.
“Thought so,” he replies grimly, his mouth set into a hard line. “Did you use?”
I shake my head. I can’t speak. I feel so fucking ashamed right now. After everything he’s done for me, all the care he’s shown me, this is how I repay him? If anyone has seen how much drugs have fucked me up, how tempted I’ve been to give my life over to the addiction, it’s him, and he helped pull me out of it when I was at my worst. If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably be homeless or dead right now.
Not that I feel as though I’m on a much better path right now.
Beast eyes me slowly, as though considering what to say to me. And then, he leans forward, voice lowered, and speaks.
“Your issues are your issues, Malo, and God knows we’ve all got them,” he tells me. “But you can’t let my men down like that, you understand? You can’t fucking let them get hurt, put them at risk because you can’t resist scoring.”
I nod, but I can’t look him in the eyes.
“Say it,” he mutters, shifting a little closer to me. “Say that’s what you did.”
“I went to score,” I tell him, forcing myself to meet his gaze. I feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up, prickling with discomfort. I hate letting Beast down, I fucking hate it. After all the faith he’s put in me, knowing that I’ve failed him, it’s more than I can take.
“Did you use?”
“No,” I reply, glad at least that I can be truthful about that. “I didn’t.”
“Good,” he replies, leaning back again. I can feel the bag burning a hole in my pocket, but I ignore it. No way am I going to volunteer information about that. Fuck, maybe he already knows—maybe Antonio was given that shit to offer to me, just to see what I would do.
Or maybe that’s my paranoid brain getting the better of me. I’m not entirely sure.
“Why?” he demands. “Why, after all this time? What were you thinking?”
“Because of what happened to Harley, okay? Entiendes!” I explode, before I can stop myself. “Knowing… knowing I’m responsible for that. Knowing that I could have done more, and what she went through?—”
“You need to let that fucking shit go,” he tells me firmly.
I shake my head. “No es facil. It’s not that easy.”
“I know it’s not,” he fires back. “Shit, you don’t think I’ve got things on my conscience? Things I wish I could go back in time and undo? But you can’t let that get to you now. You aren’t to blame for what those bastards did to her, they chose to do that not you. The most important thing you can do for Harley now is focus on taking down those fuckers, you know that’s all she cares about. That’s how you’re going to make amends to her. That’s the only way.”
I bite back another protest, another argument, some other reason I can come up with that I don’t deserve forgiveness, even mercy, after what happened to her. Sometimes, when I look at her, I’m reminded all too clearly of everything she went through, and it rips me to pieces inside. It kills me. I don’t know if there’s any way I can ever let that go, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I want to.
“Listen to me,” he continues, dropping his voice, sincere. “I know you’ve been through a lot, all right? And I know that everyone has to find ways to cope with the shit they’ve seen in this line of work. Nobody ends up in the Kings because their life has been sunshine and roses.”
I snort with amusement. Okay, he’s got a point there. He manages a smile, though I can tell he’s still angry as hell at me.
“But you can’t let that get in the way of looking out for the people around you,” he continues. “I know that’s not who you are. You don’t want to let them down.”
I shake my head. He’s sure as hell right about that. After what happened with Harley, I swore to myself I wouldn’t make those mistakes again. But, the ironic part of addiction is that it’s the pain of what you did while you were high that pushes you to want to get high again.
“I don’t,” I tell him. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him giving me this many chances, but shit, I’m glad he has.
“If you want to kill yourself, there are plenty of quicker ways to do it,” he continues. “But don’t bring the rest of us down with you. You hear? Handle your shit.”
Even though he’s talking like he only cares about how my habit impacts the rest of the MC, I know it’s more than that. It always has been when it comes to Beast. He cares about me, even though he might do his best to cover up that fact sometimes. Letting people into your life, in this line of work, isn’t easy, and they don’t always stick around.
He nods to the door. “You can go now. Get some rest. I don’t know what’s coming next, but you’re going to need to be ready to handle it when it does.”
“Esta bien, okay,” I reply, and I get to my feet, relieved that our conversation is over. I really don’t want to listen to how many problems I’ve caused because of my habit, when it feels as though I’ve already torn myself up enough inside to last a lifetime.
I just have to hope that the temptation in my pocket doesn’t get the best of me and makes me go back on everything I’ve just promised Beast.