CHAPTER 22
It took me much longer to pry myself out of bed than it usually does. Took me even longer to shower, and especially brush my teeth because I couldn’t bear washing away Evelyn’s taste from my lips. Jesus Christ, that woman tastes like goddamn rainbows. Does that make any logical sense? No, it most definitely does not, but she has a maddening sweet and musty flavor that threatens to drive me mad.
Addicting. So utterly addicting.
The line is well and truly crossed. Seeing her touching herself with my name on her lips threw me straight over it. But having her tight, little cunt around my fingers, breaking apart for me as I was feeding fantasies she doesn’t know I’m aware of, pushed me so far away from that line, I’m not even sure anymore if it ever existed. But then I had to taste her pretty pussy too, see her naked beneath me, and that ensured there is no going back.
Question is, how far am I willing to go?
What would happen if I would get to sink my cock in her sweet pussy? Will I ever want to leave? Will I be the same man after?
Already, her strength, her determination, everything she is as a person has been picking away at my constraints. But watching her slip out of my bed, spent and disheveled from pleasure I gave her, cracked something inside me, shackles holding me back. I’m aware of them, but the crack let out shunned feelings. Pain, fear, I was expecting, but the loneliness tasted bitter. Evelyn changes everything, soothes and turns it all to rich sweetness without even knowing.
Twice, I stroked myself in the shower to settle this growing need for her. I came on the wall of it like a fucking teenager.
Finally, I emerge out of my bedroom and the smell hits me straight in the taste buds, making my mouth water. Blueberry and sweetness, warmth and… home. I inhale deep one more time to make sure I’m not making this shit up.
I know Nora didn’t cook, because I told both her and George, my permanent house staff, to take paid time off for the foreseeable future. So, Evelyn must be cooking.
Before I even step into the kitchen, a cheerful mini human slams straight into me, oblivious to the fact that her shoulder connected a bit too violently with my balls. I suck in a grunt and power through, because when I look down, Maya’s sweet little face is all sunshine and butterflies, her innocence vividly painted in her green eyes.
“Good morning, Finn!” she says with a wide, toothy smile.
“Morning, sweetheart.” I bend over and give her a kiss on the top of the head, my voice strained from the ache in my balls.
I rise and catch Evelyn’s gaze, brightened with amusement, her lips curled between her teeth as she bites down her laughter. Okay, so she noticed my pain, and this is her response.
Noted.
But noting this is bad, because my retaliation plan involves my tongue, fingers, and her begging me for release for hours.
I’m a doomed man.
She turns to open the oven door, and the delicious scent that fills the penthouse distracts me, so much stronger than before, drawing me in like a moth to a flame.
“I hope this is alright. I was… umm… nervous.” she says shyly, wiping her hands on the sides of her black jeans. She changed.
“Nervous?” I narrow my eyes and take a seat on the other side of the island from her, at the breakfast bar.
“Yes, sorry. I just like to bake when I’m…”
“Nervous,” I finish for her.
She avoids my eyes like this is all so wrong and she regrets saying anything.
“I swim or train with Madds.” I throw her a bone, because for some reason I hate seeing her so uncomfortable.
It’s also peculiar witnessing this side of her. I’ve seen her nervous and shy before, but this is coming from a totally different place. I fucked her sweet cunt with my mouth and fingers, and I bet she’s picturing it even now as she busies herself with the freshly baked muffins, burning her fingers as she tries to pull them out of the muffin tray I had no idea I own.
“Oh, I like training with Madds.” She brightens all over, and a pang of jealousy hits me. “He’s really helped me. I’m not sure what I would have done without him. Especially last night…” She trails off and even though that jealousy burns harsher, I’m going to talk to Severin and ask him to train her even harder. Might even give her a gun.
Because she’s right—if it wasn’t for their training, I wouldn’t be staring at her right now. I wouldn’t have her taste imprinted in my memory. I wouldn’t be smelling these delicious muffins I would have never picked for myself to eat.
“Madds called when I got out of the shower and told me everything. Though I hate that you got involved, you did well. Really well.”
She beams at my praise and the manacle fixed in my chest cracks a little further.
Hating that she got involved isn’t even close to what I’m still feeling. I was on the phone with Madds when they got attacked. I heard his urgent voice, I heard the screams of the women, I heard the punches, the struggle, I heard it all, because he didn’t get a chance to end the call.
Maya was snuggled to my side, snoozing softly after I read to her, and I froze in terror. I heard Frankie’s words to Evelyn, probably not all of them, but I heard enough for everything I never knew I wanted, to shatter before me. I was losing her. I was losing her fast, before I even accepted that she’s mine, before I told her she is, and the déjà vu crept up on me so fast, the blood stilled in my veins.
I was thrown in the back of that car, eight years ago, when Hanna’s pleading voice was begging me to come get her. To find her. Save her. When I implored her to be strong and promised her I would find her. No matter where she was, I would come for her, I would hold her in my arms for the rest of our lives and love her forever. I was back in that moment when all I could hear was the roar of the engine because the call cut off and she was ripped away from me on a heartbreaking cry. I was still there after I hung up, and Maya woke and saw the terror on my features. But I forced my features to smooth and told her we’re going to go to my place for the night and pick up her sister on the way.
For the entire way to the bar I prayed to all the gods I could name that those last few words weren’t a lie. I prayed history wasn’t repeating itself, and Evelyn was still in that parking lot when I got there. But a terrified voice asked a different question inside my head… what if I finally tracked her down and just like Hanna, I would only find a soulless, bloodied body? I urged Mamaw June to pack a quick bag. Very fucking quick. And we were out the door in minutes, forcing myself not to show the emotions that ripped me from the inside out, because I couldn’t let Maya see any of them. June was a saint. Kept her occupied and distracted, even if fear shone in her kind eyes.
Mine was bubbling like a volcano inside my veins, and the shock of it was becoming too much. For months I kept Evelyn at arm’s length, constantly pushing her away and rejecting her, thinking it would ensure I couldn’t get attached to her. How she still burrowed into my soul regardless, I don’t know. But she creeped just beneath the shackles and pushed hard enough for a crack to form.
Regardless, the bindings are still there, reminding me what I know to be true—too much of me is broken, and none of me deserves her. I can’t be what she wants, because she deserves so much more. Someone whole, someone she could lean on, someone who hasn’t fucked half of Queenscove and miles beyond. Someone who can love…
As I look at her now, shyly pottering about my penthouse that seems to smell like a home for the first time in years, if not ever, I realize that letting her go will be much harder than I thought.
And I will have to let her go. Because Evelyn already said she might not stay in Queenscove.