29. Devon
DEVON
“You’re home,” my mom says cheerfully as I settle into the recliner in the living room. Sun streams in from the windows, lighting up the space. I used to love sitting here at this time of day, staring out the window at the little town street always bustling, but somehow not busy at all.
Home, though, has held a different meaning for me lately. Finally working at Sleepy Hollow Manor and being around Ember, that’s home. The rays of light coming in from the window don’t do anything for me right now.
I peer down at the brace on my leg. The pain killers are warding off any true pain, but I’ll need surgery sooner rather than later.
Laid up for even longer. Again, I am sidelined while in the midst of trying to fulfill a dream, and I don’t think anyone should have to carry that weight around once, let alone twice.
We’ll have doctor’s appointments this week, hearing out a couple of different surgeons so we can make a decision on who to go with. I’m tempted to go with whoever tells me I can get back on my feet first. Why? I don’t know. It’s not like it matters anymore.
Mom sits on the couch after getting me a drink, placing her purse next to her. Her coat is thrown over the back of the sofa like she’s saddled up to stay a while. “You don’t have to stay, Mom.”
“I want to.”
“I’m sure you have more important things to do. Like figure out who’s going to do all the last-minute fixes on all the Fall Spectacular things that inevitably go wrong. Good luck.”
“My but you’re cranky.”
I shrug because I have no excuse to give her. I am cranky. I want to scream into the void. I want to throttle something, but most of all, I just really hate myself. For getting hurt. For letting people down. For being the most stubborn jerk.
“Devon…”
“Mom.”
She huffs, but then the look on her face softens. She picks at imaginary lint on her pencil skirt, ever dressed for a press conference or to give a speech on how amazing Harvest Falls is. “Ember looked awfully upset leaving the hospital.”
I peer at the arm of the chair, willing myself not to feel the darkness that creeps in. “She’ll get over it.”
“What did you do, Honey?”
“What makes you think I did anything?” I counter.
She gives me a look that says she brought me up and knows me inside and out and backward.
“Because what I saw was a woman who would stand by you no matter what. I saw a woman who cared about you so deeply that she dropped everything she was doing—even the manor—to come see how you were. Then she left crying.”
I swallow, my insides tightening like a vise. Mom always knows what to tug at to get me to open up. “She’s better off without me.”
“Oh, pish posh. That’s some self-righteous nonsense right there.”
“Well, no one has ever accused me of being a good person.”
“Devon…”
I don’t know what to say to her, so I don’t answer. Does it kill me that I said that to Ember earlier? Yes. Yes, it freaking does. But just like my teammates who were waiting for me to come back, I’ll leave Ember high and dry.
What if I’m never the same physically? I already had issues with my leg after the first injury. Felt it sometimes, causing me to limp or ache when the rainstorms hit. Say I can’t help Ember at all after this, what then? I’ll just being another burden she has to take care of.
Nothing ever works out for me. I don’t know why I expected any different this time around.
Having hope is the worst part. It’s because it feels so good you let it take over your whole body.
You start to believe in it. It becomes an infestation of positivity.
Then when it gets stampeded over, it dies like a fast-moving cancer.
Hope is replaced with ugly cells. Cells that decay and blow away in the wind until you’re just an empty carcass.
It took me a long time to come out of the self-pity last time. This time, it’ll be even worse.
“You know, I always tried to do right by you.”
I peer up at her as she rubs her now pink eyes. “It’s not your fault any of this happened.”
“Just let me get this out,” she says, holding up a hand in the form of a stop sign.
She’s in mayoral mode now. She pulls her blazer together and gives herself a little shake.
“You’ve had it worse than some, that I know.
I’ve watched you climb and claw your way to success only to have it taken away from you.
I’ve watched you in the dark times while you were trying to come to terms with your new normal.
I’ve felt it right alongside you, Devon, because I’m your mother, and it doesn’t matter how old you are, you’ll always be my boy.
There were days I’d cry myself to sleep, wondering how you were going to get through the next day.
The day you knew you couldn’t play hockey anymore, I rallied for you, and then went home and sobbed.
I feel like doing that again today because Ember is even more important than hockey, and you’re pushing her away.
Hockey couldn’t love you back. Hockey couldn’t take care of you.
Hockey doesn’t love unconditionally, but if you pick your person right, they can. They can do all that and more.”
I watch my mom get emotional as if I’m a bystander. A lookie loo, someone who is completely separated from what’s going on. A defense mechanism, I guess.
“I thought I’d picked my person correctly, and it was a blow when I hadn’t. What he did to me. What he did to you.”
“If you’re trying to get me to apologize to Ember, I don’t think this is having the impact you want it to have.”
“Gosh, you are stubborn. What I’m trying to say is that I had a moment like this, what you’re going through, when your dad left.
I thought everything was over. I had the worst case of feeling unlovable and worthless, but Devon, I’m on the other side now.
Look how we thrived. Look how I thrived.
I was a single mother, working hard for us every day, and now I’m the mayor.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I’m so proud.
I’m even a little grateful that Gerald left because look what happened to our lives.
Setbacks don’t always mean ruination. It could just be setting yourself up for something different. Better, even.”
“But twice, Mom? Twice seems like a bad omen. Like someone is trying to tell me to stay in my place. I’m just not meant to have what I want. I’m accepting that now.”
“Well, that’s just nonsense, and you know it.”
“I don’t, though,” I say, raising my voice a little. “I appreciate you trying to pull me out of this, whatever it is, but I’m doing what I think is best. Ember has a good life ahead of her. She’s going to be absolutely fine. She is—.”
“Perfect. Humble. Smart. Beautiful.”
I grind my teeth together. “Which is why she’ll be fine.”
“Well, good, I’m glad we can agree on all her attributes. I’m looking forward to seeing your reaction when she starts dating someone else.”
I clench the sides of the chair, but I make myself relax. The reaction is normal. It’s fresh. I still have feelings for her, but over time, I’ll be fine. I can just look at her as someone who deserves the best in the world. “I’ll be happy for them.”
She rolls her eyes. Something she despises since she thinks it’s so unbecoming of a person in position.
“You should be giving Ember a choice in all of this, and you know it. You say how capable she is, but then you take the decision right out of her hands, Devon Lachey. Newsflash, you’re getting it wrong. ”
Mom stands up, flustered. She grabs her coat and purse and faces me. I peer at her, taken aback. I’ve seen her act this way, but never when I was down like this. Somehow, it’s fitting. She might as well realize I’m not anyone’s savior, not even hers.
“I just don’t want you to wake up one day and realize that and wish you could go back and change today. You won’t have the ability to.”
“No chance there. I’m done wishing on things.”
She comes over and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s sad. Life is boring without a little hope and maybe even a wish or two.”
“I love you, Mom,” I tell her, putting an end to the conversation.
“Love you, too. Very much.”
Her heels click across the floor, and she exits the door. It snicks into place when it closes.
As soon as she leaves, I wish she’d stayed. I wish I could’ve even given a modicum of hopefulness to her.
I’m just not sure anything she said made sense for me. I agree that Mom has the best life now, but it doesn’t mean what happened to her could happen to me.
And I agree, Ember should be given the option to make her own choice, but I knew what she would do. I knew she would come to me. I knew she would stand by me. If I let her, she’d be with me right now, and then what? Exactly what I thought would happen. I’d bring her down, too. I’d ruin her dreams.
I’m just a bad luck penny.
“It’s just you and me,” I tell my leg, the brace covering it. And this empty house. And probably binge-watching shows with actors who don’t even know I exist. And copious amounts of junk food to get me through the day.
I should’ve learned my lesson the first time this happened.
The universe is really just telling me to sit this one out.
It’s done that since I was a boy, but Ember might be my greatest loss yet.
However, I’m finally listening to what the universe is trying to tell me.
My world doesn’t consist of love and success or even happiness.
It’ll be lonely, but I think I can come to terms with it eventually. Mom’s right. It won’t feel good to see Ember start a new relationship, but even though this is a small town, I’m sure I can avoid it.
Somehow.
Some way.
Unless the universe really wants to be cruel.