Chapter Twenty-Six
Twenty-Six
Pam
You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing.
—Ram Dass
“Are you sure you don’t want me to fly back with you?” Alistair asked pensively. We were standing in the middle of the airport, saying our goodbyes before I went through security.
I adjusted Remi’s bag on my shoulder and nodded. “I’m sure.”
I mean, I wanted him to fly back with me and never leave, but I couldn’t ask that of him. It was a choice he had to make on his own.
He leaned over, bringing the rough portion of his horns that dipped down between his brows to my forehead. “I am going to miss you so much. Thank you again for doing this.”
“I’ll always be there for you when you need me.”
He wrapped one hand around the back of my neck, his thumb gently tracing over my jawline. “Pam, I…”
Was he going to say what I thought he was going to say?
He couldn’t possibly.
Could he?
Without another word, he pressed his mouth to mine, gently pushing his tongue past my lips.
He tasted like sweet mint and strong coffee, his signature sage and cedar scent wrapping around me.
My fingers tangled in the hair around the sides of his face as I pulled him deeper, soaking up as much of him as I could.
He pulled away and shook his head, puffing out a breath. “Have a safe flight, okay? Text me as soon as you land.”
“I will.”
He squatted in front of me and rubbed a finger along the mesh of Remi’s carrier. “Have a safe flight, buddy. I’ll miss you.”
I knew he would. He and Remi had a little bromance going.
Alistair stood and checked his watch. “You should probably head through security. You never know how long they’re going to hold you up.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “All right.”
He gave me one last kiss on the forehead and a strained lopsided smile. “Bye.”
“Bye.”
It felt like my feet were covered in cement as I walked away, every step weighed down by the pain of saying goodbye to Alistair.
I was positive he was staring at me. Just standing there watching me disappear into the sea of people waiting to go through security.
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, but I forced them back. I didn’t want to draw extra attention to myself, and I’d have plenty of time to cry unnoticed on the plane ride back to Briar Glenn.
On the plane ride home.
I went through the motions with security, showing them my ID and waiting patiently while they ran the wand over Remi’s carrier.
Luckily, there wasn’t much of a wait before it was time to board, meaning I had less time to stress about the flight. My medication made me feel nice and relaxed, but not as relaxed as I would have been if Alistair had been with me.
I sat down and took deep breaths while running through the affirmations in my head.
I inhale peace and exhale worry.
I can do hard things.
I am calm and at peace.
Repeating them over and over, I felt my heart rate slow and the preflight jitters fade away.
A bell pinged in the lounge area. “Flight 363 to Rock Harbor is now boarding. The one p.m. flight to Rock Harbor is now boarding.”
“That’s us, buddy,” I whispered to Remi, hoisting his carrier strap over my shoulder.
He responded with a desolate wail of discomfort, relaying exactly how he felt about being stuffed into his carrier again.
The flight attendant smiled wide and scanned my ticket. “Have a safe flight.”
She was too chipper for the sadness I was feeling, but I forced myself to mumble, “Thanks.”
I walked down the Jetway and through the door of the plane. A small smile curved up my lips at the memory of Alistair ducking his head to accommodate his horns while he passed through the low entrance.
I rushed to my seat, the tears threatening to fall and ruin my mascara.
Remi yowled with displeasure when I slipped him under the seat.
“I know, buddy,” I said. “We’ll be home soon.”
I fastened my seat belt, and once the plane was boarded and the attendant had gone over the safety spiel, we moved down the runway.
This was the part I disliked: the takeoff and landing.
The plane began to rumble as it picked up speed.
Shit.
I gripped the armrests, squeezed my eyes shut, and gritted my teeth so hard, my jaw hurt.
I inhale peace and exhale worry.
I can do hard things.
I am calm and at peace.
Maybe if I told myself enough times, I’d believe it. Just like I’d come to believe that I was worthy of romance, that I was worthy of love.
Alistair was so close to saying it.
But maybe he didn’t need to.
He showed me every day.
The weightless feeling of being in the air swept over me, and I loosened my grip on the armrests.
Peeking out the window, I watched as Colorado grew smaller until it disappeared beneath the cloud cover completely.
Just like that, Alistair was gone.
Tears tracked down my cheeks, taking my mascara with them.
Whatever fantasy I’d been living in for the past week was over. I was leaving, and I was leaving a part of my heart behind.
—
Alistair had offered to hire a car service, but Atlas and Tegan insisted on picking me up. I was positive it was because she wanted to grill me about the trip.
“Mom!” Tegan jumped out of the truck and wrapped me in a huge hug.
“Hey, Mom,” Atlas said, kissing my cheek once Tegan had finally released me. “Let me get those for you.”
He easily picked up my suitcases and carried them around to the back of his truck.
Tegan climbed into the front seat, and I hoisted Remi and myself into the back.
“How was your trip, Mom?” Tegan asked the second my seat belt clicked.
“It was great. We had a great time.”
I caught her staring at me in the side-view mirror. “Is everything okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”
Atlas climbed into the truck, the door slamming behind him.
Saved by the son-in-law, or so I thought.
“Mom, is everything all right? Did something happen between you and Alistair?” she said.
Atlas put on his seat belt and merged into the airport traffic. “Baby, we talked about this,” he said calmly.
She sighed, and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “I know we talked about this, but I don’t want my mom to keep doing this if it hurts her.”
I cleared my throat. “I’m a grown woman, and I’m capable of making my own decisions, thank you very much. I had an amazing time. It’s just…hard to say goodbye.”
“Did he decide what he’s going to do with the company?” she asked, watching me in the mirror again.
I shook my head. “I didn’t ask him what he’s going to do.”
“Mom,” Tegan sighed. “What do you mean you didn’t ask?”
“It isn’t my place,” I said with a shrug.
“You’re his girlfriend. What do you mean it isn’t your—” she started, but Atlas cut her off.
“Baby, I think what your mom is saying is that Alistair needs to make these sorts of decisions on his own. She doesn’t want to influence him one way or the other. Right, Mom?”
I nodded. “It’s a major life change. I don’t want him to feel pressured. And even if he does sell his shares, I can’t ask him to move to Briar Glenn. We’ve been dating for a little over a month. What if it doesn’t work out, and he regrets it?”
“Do you remember what you told me, Mom, when Atlas and I started dating?”
As her mother, I gave her a lot of advice, but I didn’t recall that conversation specifically.
From the corner of my eye, I caught Tegan slipping her hand over the center console, giving Atlas’s hand a squeeze.
“You said that when the goddess brings two people together, she’s never wrong. What’s meant to be will be.”
I shook my head, my mouth hanging open. “You remembered that?”
Tegan let out a little laugh. “How could I forget?” She turned around to look at me. “You’ve always believed in true love—at least for everyone else. What’s stopping you from believing it for yourself?”
I realized now that I was worthy. I deserved the sort of love my kids had with their mates, the type of love in romance books and movies.
That was exactly what I had with Alistair.