Chapter Fourteen #2
Marin gave her a grateful smile as she got out plates and wineglasses.
“I haven’t eaten, either, so let’s dig in.
Thank you for saving me from my empty pantry, and .
. .” She hesitated, and something unreadable passed across her expression.
“Sorry for disappearing on you this week. I was trying to work through some stuff in my head, and not very successfully, it seems.”
“It’s okay,” Charlotte said, wondering what that meant. She couldn’t separate her feelings about Marin kissing Laura from her feelings about Marin avoiding her, and it all left her head such a mess that she figured it was better to just move on. “Did you get things sorted, at least?”
“Not really.” Marin’s lips twisted to the side as she poured two glasses of wine.
“I just . . . I didn’t feel the sparks I was hoping to feel with Laura, and it really threw me for a loop.
I was having so much fun with her, and I didn’t want it to end, but I realized I had to. ” She sighed. “End it, that is.”
Charlotte snapped her mouth shut so she didn’t gape at Marin’s news. “I thought you were really into Laura.”
“I thought so too.” Marin busied herself opening the charcuterie tray.
“I guess I wanted to be into her more than I actually was. When she kissed me, I didn’t feel anything.
” She looked up at Charlotte, and the expression on her face was heartbreaking.
“I’ve already wasted too many years kissing someone I feel nothing for.
I know better than anyone that sparks are unlikely to develop later on.
If they’re missing from the start, well .
. . that told me everything I needed to know, but it sent me into a bit of a tailspin. ”
“I’m so sorry.” Charlotte placed a hand on Marin’s shoulder. She knew how much Marin had been anticipating her first kiss with a woman, how eager she was for every part of this journey. It must have been devastating to have a disappointing first kiss.
But Charlotte had spent the last two days torturing herself as she pictured Marin and Laura passionately locking lips outside the restaurant, and now she felt a completely inappropriate surge of relief to know she’d been imagining it wrong.
She internally berated herself for being such a terrible friend.
Charlotte and Marin were quiet as they fixed their plates and sat at the kitchen table. Marin sipped her wine. Once half the glass was gone, she sighed. “It wasn’t much of a kiss, to be honest. Her lips touched mine, but that was about it.”
“Well, we’ve got to make sure your next kiss really knocks your socks off, then.” Charlotte picked up her wineglass, but she wasn’t sure how to read the look on Marin’s face right now. She looked intense but also sad.
“Here’s hoping,” she said finally. She made a little sandwich out of a cracker, prosciutto, and cheese, and popped it in her mouth, then chased it with more wine.
Charlotte was still staring at her mouth. “Have you told Laura?”
“Yes.” Marin stared into her wineglass. “I gave her the dreaded ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’” She rubbed a hand over her face. “Ugh. I hate that it came to this.”
“I do, too, but good for you for ending things before you got any more invested. I always found it harder to break up with someone when we’d been dating longer, even if I felt no chemistry.
It seemed like such a waste to have invested that much time and energy on someone only to have it not work out. ”
“I guess.” But Marin looked even sadder now.
“When you think about it, the chances of finding love with the first woman you went on a date with were slim.”
That brought a slight smile to Marin’s face. “Statistically improbable.”
“Totally. So, um, any other contenders? Or do we need to browse some new dating profiles tonight?”
Marin’s smile wilted. “I think . . . maybe I’ll wait until tomorrow to think about that.”
“Okay.” Charlotte tried not to let her relief show. “Tonight’s just for fun and friendship. Hey, how did it go with Jed, or is that another conversation for tomorrow?”
Marin’s expression softened. “It went really well. He was very laid back about the whole thing. I got so nervous in the moment, but he was fine.”
“I’m so glad.” Charlotte reached out and touched her hand, aware it was the second time she’d touched Marin tonight, and that Marin hadn’t pulled away either time.
On the contrary, Marin stared down at their hands with unmistakable fondness.
“I can only imagine how nerve racking that would be, even if you’re hoping for the best.”
“It was.” Marin exhaled. “I got really scared for a minute, and then I was like . . . fuck this. I came all the way here. I mentally prepared myself to lose relationships with my siblings if they won’t accept me as I am, so I just blurted it out, and you know what he said?”
“What?” Charlotte asked, while her mind reeled around Marin’s reality, that she was prepared to lose family members if they didn’t accept her.
Marin had mentioned that before, but that was before Charlotte started questioning her own sexuality, before she’d had reason to imagine herself in a similar situation, and the reality was .
. . horrifying. To think of losing a family member over who you are? Charlotte wasn’t prepared for that.
“Jed said that in hindsight, he wasn’t all that surprised I’m a lesbian, that I’d never seemed happy with Andrew and maybe this explained it.”
Charlotte laughed. “I mean, he’s not wrong.”
Marin’s lips twitched. “No, he’s not. And now I get to do it all again in a few weeks.”
“Who’s next?” Charlotte asked.
“Fran and Tom both still live in Manhattan, so I’m driving down to have lunch with them together.”
“That’s convenient.”
“Yes. Then there’s just Nancy, and I saved her for last for a reason.” Marin drained her glass and stood to retrieve the wine bottle. She brought it back to the table with her.
“I hope she pleasantly surprises you,” Charlotte said.
“I hope so too.” Marin refilled both their glasses.
“You know, I used to think coming out was an event, like . . . once I was divorced, I could finally come out, but now I realize it’s an ongoing thing.
It’s a million little moments. I’ll never stop coming out.
There will always be someone else to tell. ”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I never thought of that.”
“It feels exhausting.” Marin ate more of her charcuterie, looking almost as sad and defeated as she had when Charlotte first met her. She hated seeing that look on Marin’s face now.
They didn’t talk much as they ate, both of them polishing off several cookies after they’d finished their charcuterie. The first bottle of wine was gone, and Marin went to the kitchen and pulled out a second.
“More?” she asked, holding it up.
Charlotte nodded. She wanted Marin to smile again, and if more wine helped with that, she was on board.
“Sure you don’t want to look at online-dating profiles?” she asked, hoping to cheer Marin up.
“Positive.” Marin settled on the couch with Ember beside her. “Tomorrow I’ll get back on the wagon with dating.”
“Fair enough.” Charlotte sat at the other end of the couch, watching as Marin sipped her wine. Marin’s flushed cheeks were the only indication of how much she’d had to drink, but if she was anywhere near as tipsy as Charlotte was right now . . .
“I just . . .” Marin rubbed a finger back and forth over her wineglass, staring at it intently. “I want to feel passion with someone. I’ve waited so long, and when Laura kissed me . . . I thought that would be it, you know? I’d finally get to feel the sparks that everyone talks about.”
Charlotte sat with Marin’s words for a minute, digesting them, because maybe she hadn’t fully understood Marin’s reality before, that she’d never felt passion with a partner.
That was so . . . sad. Charlotte was terrible for letting her conflicted feelings get in the way of wishing Marin the best on her date.
No one deserved passion more than Marin.
“In the early years of my marriage, I tried so hard to find that passion,” Marin said. “I bought lingerie, I asked Andrew to try new positions, and nothing ever did it for me. Deep down, I already knew I was gay, but I was in such denial. I thought if I just tried hard enough . . .”
“You never . . .” Charlotte stumbled to a halt, unsure how much was appropriate to ask about Marin’s sex life.
“Never what?” Marin looked right at her, and those brown eyes were brimming with so many things, they made Charlotte’s heart race.
“You never enjoyed sex with Andrew?” She settled on a slightly less direct way of asking her question, when what she really wanted to know was if Marin had ever had an orgasm with a partner.
Marin swirled her wine. “It wasn’t all terrible, but it certainly wasn’t great. I faked so many orgasms, and I’m not proud of that, but I didn’t want Andrew asking too many questions about why he couldn’t get me off. I just . . .” She shrugged, then drank more wine.
Charlotte’s head was swimming. She was so drunk, and she suspected Marin would never tell her these things if she weren’t drunk, too, but Charlotte’s own blurred inhibitions only made her want to know more. “I think you did what you had to do to get through that part of your life.”
“I guess so,” Marin agreed. “Eventually, we pretty much quit having sex entirely. He went elsewhere, and I couldn’t even really blame him.”
“I could blame him,” Charlotte said bitterly.
Marin gave her an amused look. “I mean, I don’t excuse his cheating, but our marriage was doomed from the start with me being a lesbian, so he shouldn’t shoulder all the blame.”
“I guess.”