Chapter Sixteen
Charlotte tried to act as if she weren’t coming apart at the seams as Marin invited her into the house.
But she was, and being in the same room with Marin only made it worse because now Charlotte’s hormones had entered the equation.
Her body kept reminding her how it felt to kiss Marin, while her head was reminding her that she didn’t need a relationship right now.
“How does it feel to be a homeowner?” she asked, trying to sound casual.
“It’s great. A little daunting because I’m realizing how many things I still need to buy and how much there is to do now that the house is mine, but still . . . great.”
Charlotte crouched to greet the puppy bouncing excitedly against her legs. “And how do you like the new house, Ember?”
“Safe to say she’s a fan,” Marin answered.
“Has she checked out the fenced-in yard yet?”
“No, but now’s as good a time as any. We’ve been here longer than I realized, and she probably needs to go out. Want to go outside, Ember?” Marin led the way to a sliding door that opened into the backyard.
Ember cocked her head, staring at the door in confusion.
Marin opened it, gesturing toward the snow-covered yard beyond, and the puppy just stared harder. “You’re allowed to go out by yourself now. Did you know that?” When the puppy made no move, Marin sighed and went to get her shoes, then led the way out the back door with Ember at her heels.
Charlotte waited inside, using the opportunity to observe Marin as she interacted with her puppy in the backyard.
Somehow Marin got more beautiful every time Charlotte saw her.
She was thriving in her new job and with her puppy and the house and her tentative steps into the dating scene.
Maybe her newfound confidence caused the radiance that seemed to surround her like an aura every time Charlotte looked at her.
Or maybe the difference was Charlotte. Maybe she’d started out thinking of Marin as a friend and as Charlotte’s feelings became more complicated, more romantic, she’d started to see Marin in a new light.
Now, Charlotte was looking at the woman she wanted to touch and kiss, and yes, Charlotte found her captivatingly beautiful.
Currently, Charlotte was fixated on the raspberry-hued lipstick on Marin’s lips and the way snowflakes glittered in her dark hair as she tromped through the yard with Ember.
Marin laughed as the puppy dove into a snowdrift, and the sound was so beautiful.
It made Charlotte ache with yearning. How was she supposed to get them back in the friend zone when she wanted Marin this badly?
When had she gone from being a straight woman with a female friend to . . . this? Charlotte rubbed a hand over her eyes, trying to get control of herself. Marin had asked her to stop by so they could talk, and suddenly, she had no idea what to say.
What could she say?
“She likes the yard.”
Charlotte blinked. While she’d been spiraling, Marin and Ember had come back into the house. “I thought she would.”
“We’re making a mess.” Marin looked down at her shoes, which were making puddles of melted snow on the hardwood floor. “But I didn’t bring any towels with me, and well . . . I have cleaners coming tomorrow, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Charlotte . . .”
Her tone changed on that last word. Marin was staring at her in a way that said she was ready for that talk. Charlotte swallowed thickly.
“I wish I could at least get us some water,” Marin said. “I didn’t plan this very well.”
“You’re on a well here, so your tap water is probably the best water you’ve ever tasted. If there’s a cup or anything already in the kitchen . . .”
“Let’s see.” Marin took off her shoes and padded to the kitchen in her socks.
She poked through cabinets, eventually saying “Aha! I found a package of plastic cups. Okay, let’s test out my well water.
” She filled two red Solo cups and handed one to Charlotte, then sipped from her own.
Her eyes widened. “That is good water. Now I understand why the refrigerator here doesn’t produce filtered water. ”
“No need. Mother Nature’s already given you the best, right from your backyard.” Charlotte stared into her cup. “Marin, I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“For kissing you.” Charlotte looked up, gripping her cup so tightly it crinkled beneath her fingers. “You were drunk, and I took advantage. I have no idea what I was thinking.”
“I’d love to know what you were thinking,” Marin said softly, “and why you’d say you were taking advantage. To me, it felt like two people enjoying a kiss.” Her gaze dropped to the counter, something vulnerable flitting across her face.
“That’s how it felt to me too,” Charlotte rushed on, still trying not to crumple her cup as her nerves sought an escape. “But I . . . I was drunk.”
“You kissed me because you were drunk?” Marin looked at her, and there was no mistaking the hurt in her eyes, or in her voice.
Charlotte was messing this up, but she couldn’t admit this confusing attraction . . . could she? Certainly she couldn’t admit it to Marin before she was ready to fully acknowledge it to herself. “I don’t know.”
“Did you feel something for me in that moment?” Marin pressed. “Or was it a pity thing because you knew how badly I wanted to kiss a woman?” Her eyes filled with anguish.
“No!” Charlotte exclaimed. “It wasn’t pity. I was thinking about how much you deserve passion with a woman, and I . . . I . . .”
“You what?” Marin was still staring at her, and all that newfound confidence Charlotte had just been admiring seemed to evaporate, leaving behind a woman who was unsure and vulnerable, a woman Charlotte had hurt.
She hated this. “In that moment, I wanted it to be me,” she whispered. “I wanted to be the one to give you that passion.”
“Because . . . what? You were doing me a favor or something?” Marin sounded even more hurt now, and to Charlotte’s horror, her eyes shone with tears. “How is that not pity?”
“Because that’s not what I was feeling. It wasn’t like that at all.”
“But you told me you’re straight,” Marin’s voice wavered, “which means presumably you didn’t enjoy kissing me, and now you’ve told me you were trying to give me what I wanted, which was to kiss a woman, but I wanted to kiss a woman who wanted to kiss me, not someone who was doing me a favor. Don’t you see the difference?”
“I do.” Charlotte nodded frantically. “And I did, Marin. Maybe it was the wine, but I did want to kiss you.”
“Why?” Marin asked in a heartbreakingly brittle voice.
“Because . . .” Oh god, how could she answer without admitting to everything she’d been agonizing over for the last few weeks?
But Marin had made herself vulnerable to Charlotte enough times, and Charlotte couldn’t bear for her to think that kiss had been some pathetic attempt by a straight woman to let Marin experience a sapphic kiss.
“I truly wanted to kiss you, and I did enjoy kissing you . . . a lot. I wanted that kiss so much, for myself as much as for you.”
Marin’s eyes were pleading. “Please tell me what that means.”
“It means . . .” Charlotte gulped. “I have some soul-searching to do, but I need you to understand that this is about me, not you. Right now, I’m not ready to face what this means about me.” She exhaled shakily. “Is that okay?”
Marin blinked. “Of course.”
So many emotions flickered across Marin’s features in that moment, Charlotte couldn’t read them all.
But she’d just realized something. Marin had kissed her back enthusiastically.
She’d moaned. She’d pulled Charlotte into her lap.
She’d looked aroused, so aroused that Charlotte still felt flustered every time she remembered it.
Marin had told her she felt nothing when Laura kissed her, so her reaction shouldn’t have been due solely to Charlotte being a woman.
So did that mean . . . did she dare hope . . . Marin was attracted to Charlotte too?
“Hey, have you moved into your new house yet?”
Marin turned at the sound of Audrey’s voice. They’d just wrapped up another meeting with the Pride Coalition. Marin was really enjoying her involvement with the group and her new friendship with Audrey. “I’m actually planning to stay there tonight for the first time.”
“How exciting,” Audrey said. “Michelle told me she noticed that the for sale sign was down, so she thought the sale must have gone through. I don’t usually go out that way.”
“Yeah, I closed on Saturday.” It was Wednesday now, and Marin couldn’t wait to make things official. Her bedroom furniture had been delivered yesterday, so while the house would still be pretty bare, it was ready for a sleepover.
She talked to Audrey for a few more minutes. As she was leaving the building, she saw Brianna coming out of the bathroom. Marin had been hoping for a chance to check in with her and see how she was feeling about things. “Hi, Brianna,” she called.
“Hi.” Brianna gave her a stiff smile, but she waited outside the bathroom and fell into step beside Marin as she walked past.
“How are things?” Marin asked.
Brianna shrugged. There were several other students nearby, and maybe that was why she didn’t say much, because she stayed close to Marin as they walked outside.
The afternoon had turned frigid as the sun settled low in the sky.
Marin couldn’t wait for spring to officially arrive.
Today was March tenth, but here in Vermont, it still mostly felt like winter.
Brianna kicked at the fresh dusting of snow that covered the walkway, then looked at Marin. “I’m a coward, that’s how I’m doing.”
Marin frowned. “Why do you say that?”
“Because I haven’t told anyone. I’m still walking around campus—around my whole life—letting everyone assume I’m straight, and I hate myself for it.” There was such vitriol in her words, it drew Marin up short.