Chapter Twenty-Five
“In some ways, it’s a relief.”
It had been two days. Two days since Charlotte had learned her mom was dead. The sheriff’s department had been able to track down her dental records, confirming that the remains in the car were Terri Danton. Charlotte and her dad had spent a lot of time together, grieving.
She’d spent even more time falling apart on her own. Charlotte had come to Vermont to find her mom, and she’d done that, but in the process, she seemed to have lost herself. What was she supposed to do now? What came next? She felt as if she’d come untethered.
Marin had sent so many texts, checking on her, and Charlotte had ignored them all. She wasn’t handling this well. She knew she wasn’t, and yet she couldn’t seem to do better. She just wanted to be alone. Instead, she was propped at her kitchen table, sitting across from her dad.
“A relief?” she repeated, staring vacantly into her coffee.
He sipped from his own coffee. “In the sense that we finally know what happened. Now we can lay her to rest. For me, that’s a relief.”
“I guess.” She knew what he meant, even if she didn’t like to admit it. It was a relief to have answers. To know her mom hadn’t abandoned her. But she couldn’t say it was a relief to learn that her mother was dead.
Truthfully, though, deep down she’d always believed her mom was gone.
It wasn’t until her conversation with Bev that she’d seriously started to consider that her mom was still alive, living her life somewhere without Charlotte.
And now, Charlotte had to consider that maybe she didn’t know who she was without the search that had defined so much of her life.
The urge to flee was overwhelming, but at the same time, she felt rooted here in Middleton in a way she’d never felt in the other places she’d lived as an adult.
All her life, Charlotte had been looking ahead toward the next move, the next step in her journey.
Now she had no idea what to do with herself.
“I can’t help wondering . . .”
Charlotte looked up, her heart clenching as she saw the tears in her dad’s eyes. “Wondering what?”
“If your mom and I had been more open with each other, would she have felt she could tell me where she was going that weekend? Might I have been with her in the car? If I’d been there, maybe I could have saved her.
I could have saved us all this anguish, all the years of not knowing. You’d still have your mom.”
“The not knowing ruined my childhood.” Charlotte pressed a fist against the tabletop as tears ran down her cheeks. “The rumors at school, the things the other kids said about her, about you, about me. It was hell, Dad.”
“I know.” He rubbed his brow, his expression full of the same anguish she felt. “I heard the whispers from students in my classes. I saw the accusations in their eyes. People looked at me like I was a murderer.”
Charlotte didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” He stood and pulled her into his arms. “I feel like such a failure when I think about what you went through as a child and how I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I was hurting, too, but that’s no excuse.”
“I was angry at you for so long.” She clenched her fingers in his shirt, furious and heartbroken and desperately needing the comfort of her father. “She disappeared, but you left me, too, even though you still lived in the same house.”
“I did a terrible job of managing my grief, and I’m so sorry. Now that you’re back in my life, I want to be a father to you, the way I should have been back then. I want to try . . . if it’s not too late?”
“I want that too,” she whispered. “I just . . . I don’t know how.” All her happy family memories felt like they were from another lifetime. She’d been on her own for so long . . .
“I’d like to keep doing what we’ve been doing the last few months,” he said. “We’ve done a pretty good job of getting to know each other again, but maybe now it’s time to get more involved in each other’s lives than just meeting for lunch once a week.”
“Like what?”
“Come over for dinner one evening. You haven’t seen my new house. I’d like to introduce you to my friends and meet yours too. I want to know what’s going on in your life.”
She looked away. “I want to tell you . . . but I’m scared.”
“Please don’t be. I’m not the man I used to be.” His expression was earnest, maybe even hopeful. “Whatever it is you want to tell me, it’ll be okay.”
“I’ve fallen in love, and I want to tell you about her, but I—” She froze, her body flushing hot and then cold as she realized she’d inadvertently already blurted out her truth.
Her dad cocked his head slightly to the side. “Yes?”
She gulped. There was no going back now. “I’m in love with a woman. Her name’s Marin. Marin Easterly.”
“The name’s familiar. Does she teach at the university?”
“Yes, she does, but did you . . . did you hear what I said?” Charlotte’s heart was about to beat out of her chest. “I’m in love with a woman.”
“I heard you, and that part’s a bit shocking, I admit.
I had no idea you weren’t straight. I’m sorry if you felt like you couldn’t be honest with me about that.
” His face fell. “Is that part of the reason you stayed away all these years? Because you’re gay and you were afraid I’d be upset with you? ”
She shook her head. “I’m not gay. I’m . . . well, I’m new to labels, but I’m going with pansexual for now. I’m attracted to all genders, but I only realized it very recently . . . because of Marin, actually.”
“Then I think that’s wonderful. I confess that I can’t keep up with all the labels you kids are using these days. The things I hear from my students . . .” He shook his head, smiling. “But I embrace it, even if I don’t quite understand it.”
She just stared at him, too surprised to respond. Apparently, her dad was a lot more open minded than she’d given him credit for. “I’m sorry for underestimating you. I don’t really remember us talking about gay rights when I was a kid.”
“We probably didn’t, and I might not have given the best answers back then if we had.
I used to be a lot more rigid in my thinking about, well .
. . most things. But I learned the hard way that people are complicated, life is complicated.
I made a lot of mistakes, but I like to think I’ve learned from them. ”
She’d made mistakes, too, so many mistakes, but could she really say she’d learned from them? It felt like she just kept repeating the same pattern, avoiding difficult situations and running away when things got hard.
“I’m so happy that you’ve fallen in love,” he said. “Wait . . . is this what you were trying to tell me at lunch a few weeks ago?”
She nodded. “I let you assume I was dating a man, and I felt terrible about it.”
“I’m glad I know now, and I hope I can meet her soon.”
“I hope so too.” But Charlotte had spent the last two days ignoring Marin. Charlotte had pushed her away because she was scared, because she was afraid to face the future. She’d been a coward, but maybe she could learn from her mistake the way her dad had done.
She could. She would.
And she needed to do it right now. “Dad, I hate to cut this short, but you just helped me realize something. I’ve messed up with Marin, and I need to apologize to her . . . before it’s too late.”
He patted her on the shoulder. “Sounds important. Go talk to her, and I meant what I said. I want to meet her.”
“Assuming I’m able to patch things up with her, you will.”
She hurried him to the front door, grabbing her purse on the way because she couldn’t waste another minute. She was gripped with an almost frantic sense of urgency, desperate to get to Marin and make things right.
Her dad opened the door, then paused, looking at something . . . or someone.
Charlotte peeked over his shoulder, and a startled cry escaped her lips. Her stomach tingled as adrenaline flooded her system.
Marin stood on her front porch.
Marin’s heart skipped a beat when the door opened before she’d had a chance to knock. For a moment, she stared in confusion at the man standing there, but just as quickly, she saw the family resemblance. This must be Charlotte’s father.
And Marin was intruding. Probably.
Charlotte appeared in the doorway beside her dad, eyes red and damp from recent tears.
Heat flooded Marin’s system because she was so freaking glad to see Charlotte, despite how upset she was that Charlotte had shut her out . . . again. These last two days had been awful. Charlotte’s silence hurt, so much more than Marin had even known was possible.
She’d fought with Andrew, and that hadn’t been enjoyable, but it hadn’t hurt like this, probably because she hadn’t loved him like she loved Charlotte.
“Hi,” Marin said after the three of them had stood in silence that lasted a few beats too long. “I’m Charlotte’s friend Marin, and . . . I should probably come back at a better time?”
“James Danton, Charlotte’s father.” He extended a hand, his expression friendly. “Please stay, Marin. I was just leaving.”
She shook his hand. “I understand we’re colleagues at NU. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Danton, although I wish it was under better circumstances. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that, and I hope we can talk again soon.” He stepped past Marin, but Charlotte stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
“Wait. I want to do this right.” Her bottom lip shook as she looked at her dad. “Dad, this is my girlfriend, Marin.”
Marin gaped. Holy shit. This was an unexpected development. She’d come here with a speech planned, ready to fight for a future with Charlotte, but maybe . . . maybe Charlotte had already beaten her to the punch.