Chapter 27
Brian
E den knows how to throw a party.
The loud dance music drummed a steady rhythm in my chest as I leaned against the bar holding my fresh beer. The Homestead wasn't too packed, given it had ample space and this was a private event; but it had a helluva lot more people than your average engagement party.
The event started at 7 PM sharp and not a minute later, which surprised me. With Eden being in the entertainment industry, I figured that 7 PM was merely a suggestion and people would arrive fashionably late. However, by the time I arrived at 7:15 PM, her mom and Mike were already present and mingling with the growing crowd. They wore matching pleased-as-punch smiles, and Mike's arm was firmly wrapped around the pretty woman by his side.
I took a sip of my cold beer as I surveyed the select crowd of well-wishers. There were a lot of locals present; some I recognized and had exchanged words with, and others were probably plus ones or out-of-towners. But one thing they all had in common; they all knew and adored the celebrated couple. The feeling was more than mutual from the way I observed Susan and Mike flit about from group to group, chatting with each one at ease. Well, Susan fluttered about—Mike was just dragged along for the ride. Although, from the beaming smile on his face, I had a feeling Mike would allow her to drag him to the ends of the earth.
A familiar tug pulled at my chest. I knew that feeling well. I’d been lucky enough to bask in the warmth of that feeling. And I never thought I’d experience it again. Mere months ago, that vision would have crushed me and sent me into a spiral of sex and self-pity. Now, that cloying gloom didn't feel so concentrated anymore. It was lightly spread around my soul, seeping out of the edges; releasing me from the burden and guilt that had weighed me down.
In its place was a melancholy acceptance and a sort of anticipatory keenness. I knew that a piece of my heart would always love and miss Hannah, and a small part would miss our life and the plans that died with her.
But I also knew that my heart was ready to move on—to let the brake down on a life that was idling needlessly, waiting on the sidelines for me to press down on the accelerator.
Hurting Maria and losing her before I fully had her was a tough pill to swallow. But without the kick up the ass it gave me, I never would’ve made the move to seek help. If nothing ever came from our brief dalliance, at least I could be grateful for that. Even though the thought of never seeing, speaking, or touching Maria again didn't sit right with me.
My sessions with Dr. Grant were eye-opening. Would I always walk out of her office feeling emotionally flayed? I had allowed myself to become more vulnerable to her gentle proddings. She challenged me with strategically placed notions before sitting back and allowing me to come to my own reasonings.
Everything she said made sense—from my inability to entertain a permanent relationship; the restlessness I felt living in a town I was yet to feel at home in; and my desire to recapture the intimacy I had with Hannah in not-so-healthy ways.
I had yet to mention Maria. Although there hadn't really been an opening; and at three sessions in, it wasn't unreasonable that her name hadn't been brought up. I wasn't sure if it ever would. She could forever be known as the girl I let slip through my fingers. I rubbed my chest at the thought.
Someone jostled my side and a little of my beer spilled on my shoes. The bar had started to fill up while I was deep in my feelings. Who knew I would be here? Thirty-five and embracing therapy.
I reluctantly moved out of the way and started making the rounds. I was a social guy and had no problem making conversation or walking up to someone and introducing myself. Maybe it was the occasion or the fact that the DJ hadn't moved on from 70's disco-era music, but I just couldn't get my social battery going.
Everyone was nice enough. The whole town of New Haven was a walking testament to small-town hospitality. It had a homely feel, and a strong sense of community that couldn't always be mimicked in larger cities. They made newcomers, like I’d been, feel welcome and included.
So why do I not feel at home here?
Maria had zeroed in on it from the moment we met. I could hear her husky laugh when she spied my look of surprise and worry of offending by not being completely won over by small-town charm. Diane and Sarah hadn't caught onto my discontentment, yet Maria had my number from the start.
Maybe I needed to start participating in town events. There weren't many to throw myself into apart from the annual fair, but I could volunteer on the day or something. I could start making friends with people other than the ones I worked with and Sofia; the woman I used to sleep with. They all had their cliques, so making new friends as an adult was no easy feat. The only people I could count on were Sarah and Diane; but given the radio silence from both ends, I couldn't fully rely on their support right now.
"Hey, you. You know you're at a party, right?"
I smiled at the familiar teasing voice. Speaking of the woman I used to sleep with...
"Where's your shadow?" I quipped, knocking my glass against hers. "I'm surprised he's let you out of his sight."
I’d seen Simon briefly when I arrived, but he’d been too busy chatting with an older couple.
Sofia rolled her eyes. "He's not that bad," she mumbled.
He was.
She peered at me over the rim of her glass as she took a sip of some fruity concoction. Eden had curated an engagement drinks menu, and gave them on-the-nose names like Mint-to-Be Mojito or Be Mine Wine . Sweet drinks gave me a heck of a hangover, so I stuck to beer.
I shifted uncomfortably under Sofia's piercing stare. "What?" I finally asked, feeling like a specimen under her microscope.
Her mouth twisted down, eyes softening. "How are you? I didn't get a chance to talk to you properly the other night."
I nodded, then shrugged, suddenly finding my glass fascinating. "Yeah, I'm doing good."
She tilted her head, not letting it go. "You seemed a bit subdued the other night. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Sofia and I didn't do personal. When we'd been sleeping together, we kept things light and casual. No heavy topics. No prying into personal problems or wondering why the other was subdued. Apart from our first date, when I disclosed to her about Hannah, we didn't talk about my late wife. I wasn't about to start now.
I liked Sofia. Our relationship had naturally progressed into a new type of friendship; one that still had boundaries, given our past. I knew she was being a concerned friend but there was only one woman I wanted to confide in.
I winced when the familiar sound of ABBA blared through the speaker. Even if I wanted to pour my heart out, now wasn’t the right time.
"Just work stress," I evaded, hoping she would take the hint. "Nothing major, just been tired a lot."
Luckily, she seemed to buy it. "Well, just FYI, Eden has it in her head that you'll be the perfect guy for one of her friends."
My stomach dipped. "Oh?"
She nodded and leaned her head closer. "You heard of Mila Mills?"
I flicked a brow up at the name. Everyone had heard of Mila Mills. She was a gorgeous supermodel whose face seemed to be on everything these days. Any red-blooded, straight male would jump at the chance to be with her.
But she didn't entice the same desire I felt at the thought of a complicated, beautiful, soulful-eyed local girl who’d wrapped herself around me.
"Well, she's supposed to be here tonight," Sofia continued excitedly, mistaking my silence as interest. "Eden wants to introduce you two. She said that Mila specifically asked for a hot, hardworking, honest man –"
"And I'm the only one?"
She snorted. "Well, no. But you are the only single one." She frowned at my lukewarm response. "Hey, I've met Mila loads of times. She's a little high-maintenance but a very sweet girl. Has those Southern manners that make you wanna drink some sweet tea."
I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to work out how to get out of this one. Mila should've provoked some sort of excitable response in me, but all my fervent emotions were unapologetically reserved for someone else.
"What?" Sofia pressed at my silence.
She seemed to think it was a give-in that I would jump at the chance to bed a beautiful woman. She didn't even ask if I was interested. Given my patterned behavior, I didn't blame her assumption; but I wanted that persona gone. It wasn't what I wanted to convey to people anymore, even though I now knew there was nothing atrocious or wrong with how I chose to express my emotions at the time.
I downed another gulp of my rapidly deflating beer. It matched my spirit. "Mila Mills is gorgeous, but I'm kinda interested in someone else." The words came out in one quick rush, and I willed the heat on my face to die down.
"Oh! I didn't know you were seeing someone."
Fuck.
"Well. I'm…not." At her confused look, I pushed on. "It's complicated, but just know that I'm not available to date. I'm hoping things start up wi-with this other girl."
Sofia's lips parted in shock. She knew what this meant.
I shifted my focus away. My face felt like ants were crawling all over it. Her hand grasped my arm briefly, squeezing it. "Brian," she softly said. "This is big. I'm happy for you."
I puffed out an awkward laugh as I hid my face behind a drink of beer. "Well, don't back my horse just yet. I have to convince her."
Sofia put her drink on a nearby table and placed her hands on her hips. "Who is she? You're a great guy. She'd be lucky to have you!"
She only came up to my collarbone, so seeing Sofia all huffy amused me. I didn't dare tell her that, though. I valued my balls.
"Trust me, she's not the one in the wrong here. I was a jerk, and she had every right to turn me out on my ass."
Her mouth opened into another little O. "Oh. Well, in that case, I wish you luck; and if you need any references, I'm your girl."
I internally grimaced. Having a girl you used to sleep with vouch for you didn't seem like a good idea.
"How are the wedding plans coming along?" I was eager to change the subject from my personal woes. "Turning into a Bridezilla yet?"
She tipped her brow at me in a droll expression. "You really think I'm the Bridezilla in this scenario?"
I laughed. "Simon."
"I caught him googling how long ice sculptures stay frozen during a wedding reception."
I made a face. "An ice sculpture?"
She nodded. "Of two swans with their necks entwined."
"Yikes," I winced. I spotted a familiar head making a beeline for us. "Speaking of the blushing bride," I smirked, nodding towards a grinning Simon.
I chuckled as Sofia groaned into her glass. Though, thirty seconds later, she certainly wasn't acting annoyed as her arms twined comfortably around her fiance's neck and proceeded to lay a kiss on him hot enough to melt an ice sculpture in two seconds.
I started to feel like a spare part when Simon began whispering God knows what into Sofia's ear while she giggled like a smitten schoolgirl. Something told me that Simon would have no problem convincing Sofia into having a four-foot-tall ice sculpture.
Using their distracted PDA, I snuck away from the lovers—not that they noticed. Seeing them so in love just kept reminding me of my own disastrous, empty love life.
I didn't know what to do about Maria yet—if there was anything I could do. She asked me to leave her alone, and after a few false starts, I finally pulled my head out and respected her wishes. Her last advice about seeking help and how she needed to focus on herself and her own issues had struck a chord with me. Was it selfish that my ultimate goal was to re-enter her life once I had my head straightened out?
I wanted Maria with a ferocity that I no longer questioned. She was a game changer. Sure, I’d been too stupid to realize it when I had her; but I knew now. How could I let her know that I was all in this time and that I wouldn't dream of hurting her again? You know, without actually breaking contact and telling her? I scoured every avenue, raking through our conversations in my head, hoping to find a clue.
I knew she was dealing with past trauma. When the topic of family was brought up, she’d been evasive and sketchy.
Then there was Logan. My stomach sunk to my ass when I recalled my jealous reaction to her sleeping with him. And Lissa. Her former best friend. Fuck, I’d fucked that up, too.
There was a heck of a lot working against me and nothing to clue me in on winning her affections back. But I was a determined son of a bitch. Somehow, I knew I would end up back in her world again.
As the night progressed, I finally got to catch up with Mike, who was rightly surprised to see me. I was introduced to Eden's mom; a nice lady, though I could read on her face that she had no idea who I was but was too polite to ask.
By now, the place was teeming with folks who most certainly were not from New Haven or the surrounding towns. They stood out like a loud beacon with their perfectly coiffed hair, long limbs, plump lips, and clothes that could feed a small village. I didn't recognize any of them, but from how they held themselves, I knew a few were well-known.
Luckily, I hadn't spied Mila Mills and hoped Sofia intercepted Eden's matchmaking. Not that I thought for one moment that Mila frickin' Mills would take an interest in me. I swear I read somewhere that she was dating some fifty-year-old playboy actor.
It wasn't long before I started to relax and enjoy myself. The free booze certainly helped, but I also found myself getting caught up meeting new people from all walks of life; chatting with Mike and meeting his friends, some of whom I'd worked with. Heck, even Simon was entertaining. He commandeered the dance floor and started doing a lot of "slut drops," as he called them. Sofia had found herself a handful with him, although she didn't seem to mind with the circle she’d encouraged to gather around him.
As my night started to wind down, I stepped out to the back patio for some fresh air and to sober myself up a bit. I wasn't completely drunk, but I was probably one drink away from putting on a Simon 2.0 on the dance floor.
The space was empty except for a small group huddled in the corner. Eden, Sofia, and Simon. Along with Mila Mills.
Shit.
I’d seen her around, and we’d even been part of a group that danced on the floor together. But so far, we hadn’t yet been introduced. Not that I thought she was hankering to meet me.
Before I could double back inside, Eden spotted me. "Brian!" She indicated for me to join them so I plastered on a polite smile and tried not to trip over my drunk feet. I wasn't interested in Mila, but that didn't mean I wanted to faceplant at a supermodel's feet.
"Have you met Mila?" Eden fussed, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Mila, this is Brian. He owns his own construction business, plus he's a really great guy."
I internally cringed at how obvious she was, but I politely nodded at Mila. She was holding a cigarette in one hand and a glass of wine in her other. "Nice to meet you, Mila. Trust you're enjoying your visit."
She leaned forward and completed some sort of quick air kiss before leaving behind a cloud of perfume and cigarette smoke. Her lips curved in a slow smile before her eyes trailed down my length in a lazy perusal. "I'm lovin' how friendly everyone is. This is such a cute town."
"Brian's actually from New York," Eden disclosed. My cheeks flushed by how much Eden was pushing for a connection. "He's been here for a few years, though."
"Oh, really? Whereabouts?" She took a long drag of her cigarette before turning her head and blowing the smoke away from the group. Since I was downwind, it simply blew back at me.
"Originally from Queens, but I lived all over. Last place I stayed was out in Long Island. Did you live near Eden?"
She nodded before sending Eden a teasing glare. "Yeah, she abandoned me." Her face melted into a smile, and I could see why brands beat down her door to work with her. "I miss her, but I can totally understand why she moved. Barron's a dream, and her family’s here. Plus, New Haven isn't far away from New York. Provided there are no accidents on the freeway." She rolled her eyes before taking a sip of her wine.
"Oh no! Was there one today?" Sofia asked. Her back was pressed against Simon's chest. His arms were banded around her shoulders, his chin resting on her head.
"Yeah, I was supposed to be at Eden and Barron's by four but didn't get in until seven. I was stressing out because E had a makeup artist that I missed. Luckily, some kind soul pointed me in the direction of M and my mind was spinning on how my friends knew her.
"So, I think this party was a success –"
"How do you know Maria?" My voice was loud against the quiet night air, even though I’d only spoken above a whisper.
Simon did a double take. "Huh?"
"Maria," I pressed through gritted teeth. "How do you know her?" Each word felt like a puncture to my gut. A storm cloud hung over my head as I willed Simon not to confirm what I started to suspect. I moved my finger between the confused couple. "You two had a weird reaction to her name."
Sofia eyed me curiously, her big brown eyes expressive in their scrutiny. "Simon used to date her."
And there it was. Right or wrong, that storm cloud grew darker.
"Date is a strong word," Simon grumbled.
"But it's the right one," Sofia gently corrected, her hand lightly slapping his forearm.
Simon pressed his cheek against the side of Sofia's head for a few moments. Her hands stroked his arms before squeezing them. They were having a wordless conversation, as couples so attuned to each other tended to do.
Finally, he sighed before turning to address me. "I was an asshole to her. We had an on-off thing for a few years, but I was a selfish dick and treated her like a piece of ass."
A scarlet haze fell in front of me. "You what?" My breath felt trapped in my throat. "What did you do to her?" I growled.
Simon held up a hand at me. "Hey, man. You're coming off a little aggressive –"
"Maria. You hurt her?" I wanted to wring his neck as he stood there with a befuddled expression on his face. How could anyone hurt Maria?
You did.
My stomach kicked itself, and I pushed my self-reflection aside. This wasn't about me.
More pieces to the puzzle that was Maria slid into place.
"Not physically. Dude, chill out –"
"Oh, my god," Sofia's eyes widened. Her hand came to her mouth as an awareness filtered through her. "Maria is the girl. The girl you…"
"The girl he what?" Simon quizzed when Maria's voice died out. "The girl you what?" His head volleyed between the two of us.
I rolled my lips in and breathed deeply. Fuck! How could I have known that the person I revealed my intentions to actually knew Maria? If Maria ever found out, she would be beyond pissed that I was talking about her, no matter how innocent.
Sofia tried to step forward, but Simon held her back. His protective stance had my shoulders sinking. I didn't want to come off aggressive, but the thought of Maria being treated like shit was like a red rag to a bull.
"Look," Sofia tried again, "Simon had a thing with Maria. It didn't end well, and Simon apologized to her for his behavior –"
" What fucking behavior?"
"Brian, you need to chill." This time it was Sofia doing the reprimanding. Simon just stared at me with a retrospective tint in his eye. "You've been drinking, and emotions are heightened."
I slowly unfurled my fists and took a small step back to show her I meant no ill will. I didn't. At least, not to her. Simon, on the other hand…
Sofia rubbed Simon's chest as she continued to address me. "We won't reveal any more. I think Maria needs to do that."
My jaw flexed and my eyes felt heavy with the weight of my glower. I nodded at her—and only her—before I stormed off without saying goodbye.