Chapter 42
Brian
M y heart was in my throat as I reached out and rapped twice on the door. My stomach churned with a mixture of anger and nerves. My heart urged me to go after Maria when Sarah left my home, but I needed some answers first and I had a feeling Diane would be able to provide them.
The door swung open, and Diane's worry-lined face appeared. My shoulders relaxed when I saw it was just her. I half expected Sarah to pop up behind.
"Hi, Brian." Her mouth turned down in sadness. "C'mon in."
"Where's Sarah? I'm guessing she told you what happened."
"Yeah." She closed the door before indicating that I should proceed with her to the lounge.
"I regret that she found out who I was dating the way she did." Even though she did drop in unannounced, but I kept that comment to myself. "I had no idea about their connection, and I'm certain Maria didn't know either."
I was sure of it. Maria never indicated she knew who my sister-in-law was when I spoke about her. She simply listened without judgment, silently offering her support and a shoulder to lean on. "I'm not excusing Maria for what she did, but –"
"They were both in the wrong," Diane interrupted. She sank onto the sofa with a defeated sigh. "But I should've nipped Sarah's behavior in the bud a long time ago."
I figured out pretty quickly who Sarah was to Maria. After Maria left, I’d ushered Sarah into my lounge and pressed a tissue between her hands. I was at a loss for what to do. My loyalty was divided. I was upset at what Sarah had been through, yet my body was itching to run after Maria; to gather her into my arms and hear her side of things.
I knew in that moment that whatever had occurred between them, we would get through. It was so long ago, and Maria was not the same sixteen-year-old she had been. If push came to shove, Maria was who I would choose. The thought of losing Diane and Sarah—-my only connection left of Hannah—stung.
But being without Maria would crush my soul.
Still, I was sympathetic to what Sarah was feeling and the trauma she had to revisit. It didn't matter that she'd been a teen and most likely wouldn't have ended up with her high school boyfriend for life. It was still a painful scene to have experienced, especially when she ended up leaving her school and friends to escape her tormentors.
Maria.
My brain was still trying to wrap itself around that.
As my mind raked through the past, that feeling that I was missing something continued to nag at me. I rubbed Sarah's back as she sobbed into her tissue. She hadn't laid off on her ranting, lamenting how hurt she was over my perceived betrayal and retelling what happened from her point of view. It was then that it hit me. Maria's words as we stood outside my old high school, raking over our past.
"...I was a complete bitch, but only to those who deserved it. And believe me, she deserved it."
She deserved it.
Only to those who deserved it.
I'd pulled back from Sarah, seeing her in a new light.
She was still mopping at her eyes, her hand tightly clasped in mine. "Sarah," I started slowly as I detangled our hands. "What did you do to Maria?"
Having Diane confirm it sunk my stomach in disappointment and renewed anger. Sarah had vehemently denied any wrongdoing before storming out.
"I admit, it's disappointing as a parent to find out that your child is a bully. You're constantly thinking: "No, not my child. She'd never do that."" Diane shook her head. "Especially since Hannah had always been a kind child. Teachers used to rave about how well-behaved she was."
I smiled softly. That didn't surprise me at all. That was what attracted me the most to Hannah. She always had a happy smile on her face, always laughing, and always volunteering to show new people around campus. She would be the first to reach out if she knew someone was having a hard time. She even moved home to help care for her dad.
"Sarah was in sixth grade when I got called into the office," Diane continued. "Apparently, Maria had shoved Sarah into the mud. Sarah told a teacher and her friends corroborated her story that the attack was unprovoked."
My mouth tightened. Knowing what I knew now, I did not doubt that Maria's shove was in retaliation. She'd been pushed too far and snapped. I was firmly on Maria's side with this one, whether right or wrong.
"Sarah was upset, and I was enraged to think that someone put their hands on my baby. I pulled Frank out of work and stormed into the Principal's office." Her gaze lowered, mouth pursed in thought. "The first thing that caught me off guard was that Maria was alone. Sarah had a whole entourage with her, but Maria had no caregivers except a teacher."
I blinked back moisture as I thought of Maria as a child. All alone. No one to love and support her. She had to get herself up and ready for school by herself, only to face more harassment.
"Still, I demanded an apology, which Maria refused to give until the Principal threatened suspension. That was when that teacher who was with Maria intervened. She told us privately that Sarah had been bullying Maria for a long time. She didn't condone Maria's actions but suggested that some meetings with the school counselor could smooth things out between them."
Considering I knew just how overprotective Diane was over her babies, I instantly knew what her reaction had been.
"Well, I refused to hear a word of it," Diane continued, confirming what I already knew. Her face colored, and she twisted her hands in her lap. "Sarah denied it, and I believed her, of course. But I still asked the Principal not to suspend Maria. It was just a playground tiff, after all. Maria got detention for a week. I thought I was being generous."
This time, I couldn't hide my disdain. I understood that you wanted to think the best of your kid and that you'd never think the child you raised would behave this way. But it hadn't been some baseless accusation made by a child. A teacher had stepped forward to defend Maria. I had a feeling that was the main reason Diane asked for leniency for Maria. Some part of her knew that her daughter was hiding the truth.
Diane shook her head, her face now lined in anger. "Later that night, I overheard Sarah on the phone with her friends, laughing. She was saying some horrible things about Maria; things I couldn't believe were coming out of her mouth. That's when I knew there was probably some truth to the bullying allegations. I made the wrong choice and chose to protect my daughter instead of disciplining her."
I shook my head, appalled at what I was hearing. I tried to see it from her point of view. I wasn't a parent, so I had no idea how I would react in a similar circumstance. I would like to think that I'd rain down on my child with tough love, ground them for a few weeks, and make them apologize to their victim.
Diane threw her hands in the air. "I know I should have done more, but I thought it was just one of those things kids go through and get over."
My mouth tightened, and a searing anger pierced my stomach. I wasn't going to break Maria's confidence in what she went through and how it affected her, so I held back from exploding on Diane. I knew firsthand how much words and actions hurt other people. And stayed with them for a long time.
"When Sarah's boyfriend at the time cheated, and I found out who he'd done it with, I didn't push back when Sarah wanted to switch schools. She was humiliated. So instead of forcing Sarah to suck it up, I caved and allowed her to move."
She sighed and rubbed at the spot between her eyes. "In hindsight, I should have forced Sarah to stay, to support her as much as possible, and perhaps have her apologize for her past behavior."
Diane's gaze drifted to a school photo of Sarah and Hannah, a small smile ghosted her lips. "She was always our strong-headed child. She was a surprise baby and we knew she would be our last, so we spoiled her and let her get away with things that Hannah didn't."
She turned back to me, watching me with a cautious light in her eye. "The comment she made that night…about the women you had slept with after Hannah passed –"
"I'm sorry it came out that way. I can't say I was planning on telling you because I wasn't, but I was ready to tell you about Maria. Unfortunately, I don't think Sarah's ready to hear about me dating again, and she definitely won't be now that she knows it's with Maria." I shook my head. Although I didn't feel the same shame I used to over my actions, I still wanted to explain.
Diane pursed her lips, and her perceptive gaze dropped from mine. I braced myself for Diane to ream me out for disrespecting her daughter. Instead, what she revealed next shocked me.
"Brian, when I told you that I understood more than you know, I meant that." Her eyes filled with tears, and she took a shuddering breath.
"About eight months after Frank's death, I met another widower at a support group. He was only a few years older than me and had lost his wife a year prior. I…I fell for him rather quickly." Red painted her cheeks, and she refused to meet my eyes. "I didn't fight it; our feelings for each other were intense." She ducked her head, her hair covering half her face. "Well, I won't get into the details, but let's just say that Frank is no longer the last man I was intimate with."
I hid a cringe. That was probably too much detail for me.
"He wanted to take our relationship to the next stage, so I told Sarah I was starting to see someone, thinking she would be a little upset but ultimately understanding." Her breath puffed out in a humorless snort. "Well, she was furious. She wouldn't listen to me, called me all sorts of names, said her dad was rolling in his grave at my behavior." Her voice broke at that, and it took a few moments for her to compose herself.
"I tried for weeks to get her to see reason until she told me she would cut contact unless I ended things." She rolled her lips in, unshed tears glittering in eyes that held a lot of pain. "I chose to end my relationship with Barry."
I reached out and gripped Diane's tightly clasped hands. "Diane, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell Hans?" Hannah would've understood. She would've been upset at how fast it had happened, but I ultimately knew she would be supportive.
"I told Sarah first because I knew she would be the hardest to understand. She was a daddy's girl. I thought once she got used to it, then I could share with everyone else. I know her behavior has been erratic over the years," she acknowledged. "I felt a lot of guilt over what happened with Barry, and then we lost Hannah, and everything just…fell to the wayside. I spent my time trying to make it up to Sarah whilst holding her through her grief. Lately, I've been trying to encourage Sarah to seek therapy, too, but so far, she's resistant. I sincerely think that she'd benefit greatly from it."
"Her actions have been concerning," I agreed. "She came around a couple of weeks ago to hand me the last letter Hannah ever wrote to me."
Diane's head popped up. "What? She told me she gave that to you years ago."
"What?" I let go of her hands in shock. I fucking knew she kept that from me without reason. Waiting for the right moment, my ass.
"Hannah told her to hand them to you. One after the funeral and the other six months after she passed."
"Wait, wait." I held my hand up. "There was another letter? Sarah only gave me one."
Diane's brow pulled down. "Only one? Which one was it?"
"She talked about our life together, our memories, and how she'd always treasure them. Told me she'd wait for me on the otherside." I stood and paced in front of Diane, my hand raking my hair in agitation. "I loved reading Hannah's words again, but I didn't find anything that gave me peace, so I thought it was weird when Sarah told me Hannah requested I receive the letter when Sarah thought I was ready."
Diane shook her head as she stood. "No, no. no. Sarah was given strict instructions to hand one letter to you after the funeral and the second six months after. There was no further stipulation. When the six months came, Sarah told me you were so upset by the contents of the letter that you tore it up. She asked me not to talk to you about it since it was too triggering."
"That was around the time that you suggested grief counseling." It all made sense now.
She gave a sharp nod, her mouth lined in anger towards her daughter. I put my hands behind my head, unsure what to do with this pent-up energy that needed to be expelled—this absolute fury at Sarah and sadness that Hannah's wishes weren't honored.
I jolted when Diane touched my elbow. "Brian. You should read the letter."