Chapter Fifteen
Chapter
Fifteen
It was several blocks before Lucas’s battered
body wore through the strange rush of adrenaline that had powered
his escape from the church. He slowed from the near-jog he’d been
traveling at and sagged against the brick wall of the nearest
store. The priest was crazy.
No, that was disrespectful. The priest was
holy, or something. Something pure, something better than Lucas.
Much better. And Lucas had corrupted that purity by his mere
presence, making the priest do something he regretted. Something
totally natural, something Lucas totally deserved, but the priest
was beating himself up about it.
“Lucas?” The voice was as familiar as the
regret and concern it was laced with. “Lucas, honey, what happened
to you?” Mrs. Gage had appeared from somewhere and was staring at
him like he was the walking dead. She’d never been much for
respecting personal space, and now she reached out to prod Lucas’s
forehead, turning his face to display the damage. She frowned. “I
thought…Sean said you didn’t help in the fight. He said you
abandoned him!”
“I did,” Lucas said. There was no point in
trying to explain the subtleties of the situation. Sean had
inherited his black-and-white world view from his mother, although
she tended to see a bit more white and a bit less black than he
did. “This is from something else.”
She clucked in disapproval. “I asked Dave to
give you the week off work so you and Sean could cool down, not so
you could go out and get in a fight with someone else!”
A week off. Not a full refusal, just a time
out. But Lucas had burned that bridge, now. Dave was no more likely
to want a fag on his crew than Sean. Still, it was nice to know
Mrs. Gage hadn’t totally washed her hands of him. Not that it
really mattered—it wasn’t like Sean was going to forgive and
forget. Lucas said, “Sorry. Sometimes…sometimes things just
happen.”
“Now you sound like Sean!” Mrs. Gage shook
her head. “He was so excited about you coming home, Lucas. I don’t
think I’ve ever seen him so worked up, even if he did try to hide
it. I think it was just too much, you know? Nothing could live up
to that build-up!” She smiled softly. “And you’ve changed.” She saw
Lucas’s grimace and hastened to add, “Not in a bad way! Just in a
way that’s going to take Sean a while to get used to. That’s
all.”
“Mrs. Gage.” Lucas stopped. He didn’t think
he could withstand any more of the woman’s well-meant optimism, but
he didn’t want to hurt her, either. “I think it’s a bit bigger than
that,” he said carefully. “I think I’m…I didn’t change, not really.
I just couldn’t hide it anymore.”
“Couldn’t hide what, Lukey?”
Lucas took a deep breath as if preparing to
speak, but he knew he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t say the word. And it
wasn’t like that was the whole problem, really. It was part of it,
obviously. A big part. But not all. “I’m not who Sean thought I
was.” But that wasn’t quite true. “He thought we had an agreement,
or something. And I didn’t keep up my end.” Didn’t keep lying about
who he was, or, more terrifying for Sean, about who they
were.
Mrs. Gage frowned at him. “You need to sort
it out between you,” she said firmly. “You’ve been too close for
too long to throw it all away. And he’s too miserable without
you—he’s been a total asshole for the last couple days.” She smiled
as she stepped backward. “So you need to make it better. Need to do
what it takes to make my boy happy again. And to make you happy
too. You can do that, can’t you, Lukey?”
Lucas wasn’t sure if his head was going to
explode or implode, but he knew he couldn’t take the pressure for
much longer. Tell the truth, be yourself, make people happy, look
after Sean, don’t get too close, don’t fight, help your friends,
follow the rules, act like you used to.
“I don’t think I can, Mrs. Gage.” Lucas knew
his voice was more ragged than it should be, but he couldn’t even
try to control it. Instead, he slid away along the wall. “I would
if I could. I swear. But I don’t think I can.”
Her smile faded. “You don’t look too good,
Lukey. Have you seen a doctor? Are you okay?”
“I saw a doctor.” That was the easy question
to answer. Was he okay? Of course not, but that wasn’t what she
wanted to hear. “Don’t worry.”
“It’s my house,” she said suddenly. “I say
who lives there. You need to come home with me. We’ll get you
cleaned up, have a good meal, and everything will look brighter.
Everything will be fine.”
God, it was tempting. To pretend, just for a
little longer, that everything hadn’t changed. But Lucas had
already chased the priest out of his job, and now he was going to
chase Sean out of his house? No. “That’s not a good idea,” he said,
and he slid a little farther along the wall. “But thank you. For
everything. I mean it. For helping me when I was growing up, and
coming to see me in jail, and for taking me in again. Thank you.”
It was stupid, but he could feel the tears welling up behind his
eyes. “Goodbye, Mrs. Gage.”
She made a frustrated noise and reached
toward him, but when he kept moving away, she didn’t follow. He
stumbled down the street, trying not to think about anything other
than placing his feet more or less straight and keeping himself
upright.
Sean. Mrs. Gage. The whole Gage family,
really—just one more thing Lucas had messed up. And for what? It
wasn’t like his life was getting better as he ruined things for
those around him. He’d worked so hard in prison, trying to improve
himself and earn a second chance, and he’d almost allowed himself
to believe that it might all work. But of course he’d been wrong.
Stupid, like a little kid who thinks he can have a do-over just
because he really, really wants to stay in the game.
But the game was over for Lucas. It probably
had been even before things had gone so horribly wrong that night
in the bar, if he was being honest with himself. Now, the best
thing he could do would be to retire gracefully, without messing up
any more than he already had.
He leaned against another store wall and
watched as an eighteen-wheeler rumbled by. He tried to imagine
himself stepping out in front of it, but his mind recoiled from the
idea in horror. No. His annoying, reptilian instinct for
self-preservation kept him from taking the easy way out. But he
couldn’t keep going as he had been. He wasn’t strong enough. He
wasn’t ready. God, he wished he could go back in time and tell the
counselor at the prison to forget about the whole early release.
Lucas snorted out a rough approximation of a laugh. He’d actually
applied for this shit. Jumped through every hoop they told him to,
been a good boy, said “yes sir” and “no sir” at all the right
times. He’d abased himself before the very authority he and Sean
had always rejected, just so he could come out to deal with all
this. But thinking about Sean wasn’t a good idea. Not a good idea
at all, his inner lizard told him.
Lucas pushed away from the wall so violently
he stumbled, but he caught himself and turned to look at the store
he’d been leaning on. Suddenly, it was all so clear. There was no
need for any of this to continue any longer than it already had,
and Lucas was the one who had the power to stop it. Well, Lucas and
a little help. He took a deep breath, then turned toward the
sliding glass doors just a few feet away. Help. Lucas had found
help in this store countless times before, and there was no reason
he should abandon the practice now, not when he needed it most.