Chapter Twenty #2
school, I guess, ’cause he works during the day.” Alex’s manner was
becoming more genuinely subdued now. “And I don’t know if he likes
me back. I mean, he smiles when he sees me. He likes me, I think.
But I don’t know if he likes me.” He paused then shook his
head dramatically. “I don’t know if he’s even gay. He didn’t freak
out when I said I was, and he gave me kind of a weird look when I
asked if he had a girlfriend, but that’s not really enough to go
on, right?”
“No, not really.” Mark wasn’t going to give
this kid gaydar advice, or dating advice of any sort. He really
wasn’t qualified. “But you’ve been honest with him, so he knows
it’d be safe to share with you if he wants to. If he has anything
to share. Right?”
“Yeah. And I keep bringing it up…you know,
making opportunities for him to say something, if he wanted.”
Mark could imagine how that would go, with
Alex’s traditional enthusiasm and lack of subtlety. The poor guy at
the farm must not know what hit him. “Maybe it’s best to just focus
on being friends for a while. You can get to know each other and
see what comes of it.”
“Like it’s that easy! I told you, I almost
passed out when he took his shirt off because it got wet, and now
I’ve been practically stalking him with the hose, spraying him
every chance I get.”
“Okay, Alex, you need to cool down a little.
Not with a water hose.” Mark sighed. “Try to think about things
from this guy’s perspective. You’ve made it clear that you like
him, right? If he hasn’t acted on it, for whatever reason, you need
to respect that. Maybe he’s straight—and, let’s face it, that’s
statistically likely—or maybe he’s already in a relationship, or
doesn’t want one right now, or—”
“Or maybe he just doesn’t want one with me.”
Alex flopped against the nearest wall, his earlier excitement
turned into almost comical dismay.
Mark didn’t feel like humoring the kid’s
dramatics. “Yes, that’s also possible. Maybe he’s just not
interested in you. And if that’s the case, you need to respect his
decision, not…” Mark paused for a moment until he was sure the grin
wouldn’t be heard in his voice. “Not sneak around with a hose and
try to soak his shirt for your viewing enjoyment.”
Alex nodded reluctantly. “Yeah. Okay.
Seriously, though, you should see him. He’s so…I don’t even know
how to say it. It’s like he’s strong and adult and really funny
sometimes, but then there’s a sad little boy that sneaks through a
little, and I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything’s
going to be okay.” Alex grinned quickly. “And if that hug happened
to turn into a more intense form of physical contact…”
There was something niggling in the back of
Mark’s mind, some connection he was almost making, but not quite.
Something about a sad little boy…and amazing green eyes… He felt
his stomach lurch. “What’s his name, Alex?”
Alex grinned widely. “Luke. Isn’t that an
excellent name? It’s in the Bible, right? But it’s not too
old-fashioned sounding, like Ezekiel or something.”
“Lucas Cain?” Mark said sharply, and Alex
frowned in puzzlement.
“I actually don’t know his last name. It’s on
my list of things to find out. But ‘Lucas’, yeah. That’s what Elise
calls him. Why? Do you know him?”
Mark took a deep breath and tried to sound
calmer. “No. Not really.” That was true, at least. But what else?
What else did Mark have to say about Lucas Cain, and what right did
he have to say any of it? He tried to dredge up some of his old
anger or at least a dose of righteous indignation, but he felt only
sorrow. One life had been lost. It wouldn’t help anything for
another one to be wasted. But there was more at stake here than
Cain’s happiness—there was an innocent boy to consider. “If he’s
who I’m thinking of, I think he’s quite a bit older than you. And
maybe he’s had some trouble, some reasons why he wouldn’t want to
get involved with someone younger than him. I think it might be
good if you could find someone else to have a crush on.”
“A crush? Why is it always a ‘crush’ when
someone my age falls in love? Why can’t the older generation accept
that our feelings are real, and strong?”
“Maybe because we’ve been your age and been
through all the same things. Or maybe”—and Mark fixed his steeliest
gaze on Alex—“maybe it’s because you don’t know anything about this
guy, including his history, his age, his sexual orientation, or his
last name.”
That set Alex back, but only for a moment.
“Those are just details,” he said loftily. “Did Romeo and Juliet
know each other’s last names?”
“Have you read that play, Alex? Because, yes,
they knew each other’s last names. It was the central source of
conflict.”
“Someone else, then!” Alex waved his arms as
if to distract Mark from the lack of evidence. “The point is, I’ve
spent time with him. Quality time. And we have a connection. I can
feel it. That’s the important thing.”
“It’s important,” Mark agreed softly. “It’s
an important thing. But it’s not all there is to think
about.”
Alex stared at him for a moment, then shook
his head in sad realization. “You’ve never been in love.”
“Alex, come off it!” Mark’s voice was too
loud, his reaction too strong for the situation. Apparently the kid
had struck a nerve. “You’re sixteen years old! You’ve got a crush
on some guy you know nothing about, based mostly on his looks and
the fact that he didn’t react badly when you told him you were gay.
That’s not love, Alex!” He managed to lower his voice. “It’s not
nothing. It’s exciting, and fun, and I don’t want to ruin it for
you. But don’t get carried away, okay?”
“‘Don’t get carried away’?” It wasn’t quite
mockery in the boy’s voice, but the level of amazement was enough
to make Mark feel he’d said something absurd. “You don’t get it. I
want to get carried away. Always! That’s how I want to live.
I was scared shitless when I was in the closet, always worrying
about who was going to suspect, or worse, who was going to find
out. But I did the hard work, and I was honest with everyone. With
myself.” Alex smiled, but his gaze was fierce. “You helped me with
that, and I’m not forgetting it. But I did it. I did it
because I didn’t want to be afraid, and I didn’t want to have to be
careful all the time. So now that I’m out? I absolutely want to get
carried away!”
The enthusiasm shone out of the boy like a
beacon and Mark couldn’t bring himself to say anything that might
dim that glow. “Be careful,” he managed, but the words didn’t
affect Alex.
“You should meet him,” the boy said. “Then
you’d really understand.”
“That’s not necessary.” Or advisable.
Probably not even allowed—Terry had made it clear months ago that
there was to be no contact between Mark and Cain, and circumstances
hadn’t really changed. “I do understand. My memories may be dimmed
by my advanced age, but they’re there.”
“You’re not that old.” Alex squinted at him.
“Not old at all, really. When I first met you, I thought you were
cute. You just act old. Cool old, not like I thought a priest would
be. But older than you really are.”
“Okay, thanks for the analysis.” It was time
for this conversation to be over, and Mark stepped toward the door.
“I’m glad you’re happy, Alex, and…” And what? It wasn’t a big deal
if the man of Alex’s dreams was a convicted killer? “I’d like it if
you’d keep talking to me about this. You know, the old ‘keep me in
the loop’ game.” Because if everything went badly, the kid would
need someone to help him pick up the pieces. If everything went
well…Mark would just have to deal with that if it happened.
“You want all the details, huh?” Alex waggled
his eyebrows. “That’s called living vicariously, right?”
“Not details, no. But I care about you, Alex,
and I want to be sure you’re doing okay. That’s all.”
“I’m going to be way better than okay,” Alex
promised. “I’m going to be great.” And now he was the one ready for
the conversation to end, covering the distance to the exit in one
joyful bounce. He waved merrily, yelled, “Thanks,” as he was
halfway out the door, and then he was gone.
Mark was left staring after him. Was it
self-centered to imagine that there was some peculiar pattern at
work, drawing Lucas Cain back into Mark’s life over and over again?
It was a small town, after all. There weren’t that many people in
it, and certainly not that many attractive gay men for Alex to have
crushes on. Cain being sent to the halfway house Mark ran? Again,
there weren’t many facilities of the sort in town, so it was hardly
against the odds for Cain to end up where he did. Mark making one
of his rare trips to a bar on the same night that Cain was released
from prison? Considering that Cain’s release was the reason Mark
had wanted a drink, it didn’t seem too improbable. So yes,
Mark was being self-centered. This wasn’t all about him.
But of course there was a plan. God always
had a plan. Mark might not understand it. He might find the current
pattern disturbing. But there should be a level of comfort in
knowing that God was in charge, and things were happening as He
willed. “I just wish I could figure out what You’re looking for,”
Mark muttered into the air. He waited a moment for a response, then
shook his head at his foolishness. “But it’s never that easy, is
it?”
He straightened his shoulders and made his
way out the door to the parking lot. He was supposed to be
showering and resting, saving his energy for the needs of his
family. Alex had made it very clear that he didn’t want Mark’s
advice, and that had to be respected. So Mark should just stay out
of it. He should stop wondering if he truly was old before his
time, and stop trying to remember the last time he felt anything
even approaching the excitement Alex felt.
I want to get carried away. The words
echoed in Mark’s mind. Alex was living. He was the star of his own
life, and he was shining brightly. What was Mark doing, exactly? It
wasn’t a question he could think about, not right then. But maybe
he needed to find some time for it. Maybe he needed to find some
time for it soon.