Chapter Twenty-One #2
pure and Lucas would lose what little self-respect he’d managed to
salvage if he dragged the kid down just to give himself some
company. So he forced himself to scramble away from Alex, slipping
and sliding through the wet clay until he reached the grass and
managed to stand. “This isn’t a good idea.” His voice was steadier
than his shaking hands. “It’s not a good idea at all. You need to
find someone—”
“I’ve found someone.” It was amazing how
mature and dignified the kid could sound while sprawled out in the
mud. “I’ve found you. I want you. If you don’t want me back, I
guess I have to accept that. But you have to say it. And you have
to mean it. For you, not for what you think I want, or what you
think is best for me, or any of that. For you. What do you
want?”
“A time machine.” It was stupid, but it was
true. If he was playing make believe, if he could have anything in
the world, that’s what he’d want. “So I could go back to that night
in the bar and do things differently. Or I could have stayed home,
and quit drinking then, before it happened. Or maybe before that,
even. Maybe I’d go back to high school, so I could…so I could be
more like you. Honest, and not…not confused and angry all the time.
And then maybe now I’d be someone who could take a chance with a
younger guy, because the age difference would be the only real
problem. But I don’t have a time machine. I never will. This is my
life, and there’s no way I’m dragging you into it. No way.” Lucas
shook his head in frustration. “Fuck, if I could just go back five
minutes and make all this not have happened…”
“Zaa-aap,” Alex said. The sound was
incongruous, but he didn’t seem to be worried about that. Instead,
he did his own crab-walk out of the mud and then stood. “That last
one. I can give you that. Not a real time machine, but good enough,
right? This never happened. If that’s what you want, then I can
make it true.” His smile was sad and made him look much older than
he was. But the familiar twinkle was back in his eye as he edged a
little closer, treading carefully because of the slippery ground
and maybe because he thought Lucas needed to be handled gently.
“But I can’t guarantee that I won’t try again. ’Cause I don’t care
about any of that other stuff, your history or your age or any of
it. I can’t stop…I’m sorry if you don’t like the word, but I can’t
stop loving you. I don’t want to make you unhappy, but I don’t want
you to give up on the chance that we could make each other really
happy. You know?” He paused for a moment, and then he waggled his
eyebrows. “You know what I’m talking about, there, Lukey? When I
say really happy? You getting that? Catching my subtle
innuendo?”
Lucas snorted in surprise. Was it really
going to be this easy? They could just go back to joking around?
“Yeah, it was pretty subtle, but I think maybe I caught it.”
“That’s the kind of connection we have, man!
Our brains are running on the same wavelength.” Alex grinned, the
same smile Lucas had seen so many times before, and for the first
time he realized that Alex’s cheerfulness wasn’t an easy, natural
thing. It was something the boy had to work at, and maybe even fake
sometimes, but he did it because it was how he wanted to be. He was
being strong and determined, but sometimes he probably needed a
little help. Or maybe he didn’t need it, but that didn’t mean he
didn’t deserve it. So Lucas should try to give it to him. “I’m not
sure I want to be on the same wavelength as you. Is there a dial
somewhere I could use, maybe find a clearer signal?”
“Oh, I could show you how to use your dial,
Lukey.” Another brow waggle, then Alex slapped himself in the
forehead. “No! Bad! That’s not respecting the time machine,
right?”
“I don’t think the ‘make each other really
happy’ was respecting the time machine either, to be honest.”
“How about no time machine, then?” Alex
looked at Lucas earnestly. “’Cause honestly, I don’t want to forget
getting to kiss you, even if it didn’t last all that long.” He bent
over to pick up the non-muddy end of the board as if this was all
just another easy conversation, but when he glanced up at Lucas
there was an unfamiliar tentativeness in his expression. “How about
I back off, but you think about it. Just…just think it over. Okay?
I’ll shut up and stop pushing, and I’ll stop spraying you with the
hose all the time so you take your shirt off. I’ll back off as far
as I can make myself. But you’ll think about it. Okay?”
As if Lucas was going to be able to think
about anything else. So he said, “Okay,” and he grabbed the plank
about half-way down its length. “Let’s see if we can get it set up
from here. We obviously need to have a gangway over that mud.” He
was proud that his voice was level. Then he turned and squinted
back at Alex. “And you were spraying me on purpose? I just thought
you had the world’s worst aim with a hose.”
“Ah, Luke,” Alex said loftily. “You are so
innocent.”
Lucas just shook his head and turned back to
his work. The familiar churning of anxiety in his gut had shifted
and tightened, but nothing had exploded. It didn’t seem like his
world was going to collapse around him just yet.