Chapter Forty- Two
Chapter
Forty-Two
Lucas did come over the next night, and the
one after that, and after that. Mark went to the farm when he
could, visited his father, and found that as the rest of his life
shaped up he had more time to worry about the church and his place
in it. More time to worry, but still no conclusions to reach. Terry
counseled patience and was always ready to pray with Mark, but it
really wasn’t enough.
“I’m not worried about myself anymore,” Mark
confessed at one of their meetings. “Does that make sense? I used
to be. But not anymore. I’ll be fine. I know that. I’m still
worried that whoever is deciding all this will get it wrong, but
that would be bad because it would hurt the church, not because it
would hurt me.”
Terry looked at him questioningly.
Mark nodded at the other man’s uncertainty.
“I know, it’s not how I usually talk. I’ve spent my whole life as a
believer. In God, of course, but also in the Anglican church. I
believed that we’d found the right answers to so many of the
questions. I liked the balance between innovation and tradition. We
weren’t hiding away behind centuries-old rules, but we kept aspects
of our history that had value.” He leaned forward in his chair,
eager to find an audience for his ideas, someone who could help him
mold them into something that would actually give him guidance in
his life. “I love the rituals, the ceremonies—they’re familiar and
magical, and they comfort me. But what I’m asking myself lately is,
should I be comforted? Should I be comfortable? I
think that my comfort should come from knowing that I have served
God to the best of my ability, not from the words or songs or
fabrics that I’ve known all my life.”
Terry smiled. “So if the church decides
wrong?”
“I’ll still serve God. Maybe I’ll serve Him
better somewhere else. But the church will have lost…” He shrugged.
“One person. One loyal servant. That’s not a big deal. But they’ll
have lost a chance, as well. An opportunity to be an earthly
example of God’s love and acceptance. To courageously lead the way
and right past wrongs.”
Terry nodded slowly and thought for quite a
while before he said, “It’s good to see you passionate again. You
seem happy, Mark.”
Mark tried not to blush as he thought about
one of the main reasons for his happiness, but there was something
in Terry’s gaze that suggested the older man might know a little
more about that than he was acknowledging. “I think I am,” Mark
admitted. “It’s been a hard fight, but…yeah. I am.”
“Sometimes when things seem to be falling
apart, they’re actually falling together.” The older priest kept
his face serious for a moment before it cracked into a grin. “I
read that on Facebook.”
Mark smiled back at him and it seemed like a
good note to end the meeting on. “Thank you,” he said as he stood
and reached for the other man’s hand. “And please understand…I
still want to fight. I still love the church and I want a place in
it. I’ve just come to realize that either way, however this turns
out, I’ll be fine.”
“I was going to ask if you’d like to pray
with me, but I don’t think you need to. You seem to have found
serenity somewhere else today.” Another twinkle in Terry’s eye made
Mark want to sit back down. He hadn’t been able to talk to anyone
about Lucas, hadn’t been able to share the excitement and joy of it
all with anyone who could possibly understand, but Terry… Terry was
a good friend and a good listener.
But he was also Mark’s boss. He was a servant
of the church and expected to make decisions that were in the
church’s best interests. And Mark couldn’t deny that from the
outside, his relationship with Lucas would probably look like one
more example of Mark’s impulsiveness and poor judgment. It was
something the church’s lawyers and bean counters could probably use
to make Mark look unsuitable for the priesthood. Which meant it
would put Terry in an awkward spot if he had confirmed knowledge of
the relationship. He’d have to choose between his loyalty to Mark
and his loyalty to the church. It wouldn’t be fair to put him in
that position.
Besides, Mark thought as he left the church,
it was almost five o’clock. Lucas would be at the apartment soon,
and as exciting as it would have been to spend time talking about
Lucas, it would be much, much more satisfying to spend time
actually with Lucas.
So he stopped to buy vegetables and fresh
bread for dinner, then hurried home, wondering if Lucas would be
there already. Mark had given him his spare key a few days ago, and
Lucas had taken it with only a little hesitation. “I can be
careful,” he’d said seriously. “I’ll make sure nobody sees me
letting myself in. And if I have it I can wait for you inside,
instead of out where people can see me.” He’d shrugged
self-consciously. “But I guess you’d already thought of that.”
“I hadn’t thought of anything but wanting to
make it as easy as possible for you to spend time here,” Mark had
replied. It was the truth. He knew he had to be discrete about the
relationship, but he didn’t really think about that side of things.
He wanted Lucas. Everything else would have to take care of
itself.
So he opened the door to his apartment
half-expecting to find Lucas inside, lounging on the couch or
rummaging in the fridge. The day before Mark had come home to find
Lucas in the shower, and that had been a very happy, albeit wet,
homecoming.
But this day he opened the door to an empty
apartment. He laughed at himself for being disappointed, then put
the groceries away. Then he took the vegetables out and started
chopping up a salad. Nine different vegetables this time—pretty
good. He put the finished salad back in the fridge, tidied up, and
stared at the door, willing it to open.
He wasn’t worried. It was barely six o’clock.
But it was wasted time, and time was something they had so little
of. Mark didn’t get to fall asleep next to his lover, didn’t get to
wake up with him and squabble over breakfast. He had less than four
hours a day of private enjoyment, and he didn’t want any of it to
be wasted.
When the buzzer sounded just before six
thirty he almost sprinted across the room. “Hello!”
“Hey, it’s me.” Lucas sounded tired.
“Come up.” Mark tried to control his
enthusiasm. If Lucas was recovering from a bad day, he didn’t need
Mark bouncing all over him like an untrained puppy. Or maybe he
did…puppies could cheer anyone up, couldn’t they?
Mark took the salad out of the fridge, then
pulled the door open and waited in the doorway, and Lucas smiled
when he saw him. “Hey.” He eased inside the door before leaning
into Mark’s waiting body, and the kiss was definitely worth waiting
for. But Lucas pulled away sooner than Mark would have liked and
wandered across the apartment to stare out the newly replaced
kitchen window.
“You okay?” He tried to guess what might have
Lucas upset. “Did you hear about Sean? Is he okay?”
“I haven’t heard anything new. I’m still
supposed to go down tomorrow, so I guess I’ll know more after I see
him.” Lucas glanced back at Mark, then returned to looking out the
window. “I’m okay. I just need to talk to you about something.”
“Over dinner?”
“Maybe before? Then I can enjoy the
meal.”
“Okay. You want to sit down?”
“Probably not,” Lucas said with a wry grin.
“Probably, I want to pace.”
“You’re starting to freak me out a
little.”
“No, it’s not a big deal. Just awkward, I
guess.” Lucas sighed, then reached over and snagged a slice of
tomato out of the salad bowl. He chewed while Mark found a spot on
the stool beside the counter. “Yeah,” Lucas said. “So, I went to
see that lawyer this afternoon after work. The guy you called. He’s
letting me do a payment plan.”
“Not pro bono?”
“I don’t want to do that. I’ll pay him.”
Of course he would. Lucas was working hard to
be independent and he wouldn’t want to take something he saw as
charity. “Okay. What did he say?”
“He said I’m probably okay for the parole
hearing. He said the cops aren’t going to press charges for the
fight, and Darren, my parole officer? He’s made a good report,
saying nice things. I guess he talked to Elise and Father Groban.
So it looks pretty good.”
“So why aren’t you looking happier?”
Lucas took a deep breath. “Well, there’s one
possible problem. And the thing is…I want you to not get involved.
I want you to not try to fix it. You’ll want to, and maybe…maybe
you could. Or maybe you’d just make it worse, I don’t know. But I
want you to not try.”
“Lucas, I have no idea what you’re talking
about.”
“Yeah,” Lucas said unhappily. He turned and
looked out the window again. “Your mom,” he finally said. “She
heard about the hearing, and she wants to talk to the judge. My
lawyer’s going to try to keep her out of it. He says she hasn’t got
anything relevant to say—she spoke at the original sentencing, but
there’s nothing new for her to add and I’m not getting in trouble
for the original thing right now, I’m in trouble for something
different. So he can probably keep her from talking.”
Mark tried to sort through it all in his
head. How had his mother gotten involved? Why hadn’t she said
anything to him about it?
Lucas saw his frown and spoke more quickly.
“So like I said, I want you to stay out it. It’s probably fine. And
if it isn’t…” He looked miserable now, but he said, “If it isn’t,
I’ll take the heat. I mean…I did it. The first thing…your brother…I
did that. And maybe your mom’s right—maybe I didn’t serve enough
time for it.” He looked at Mark quickly and said, “I don’t want
that to be true. I want to stay out here and be with you and…yeah.
I want all of that. But I don’t want to hide behind you, and I
don’t want you to mess things up between you and your mom,
especially not when your dad’s still so sick. And I don’t want…” He
frowned as he searched for the words. “I don’t want this to be your