Chapter Forty- Six #2
members conform to a different standard of social behavior than
regular citizens. We can make an argument that they’re
discriminating against you based on your sexuality, but that’s more
of a public relations move, not a legal one. Legally…yes, I think
they can make you choose.”
“It’s strange,” Mark said as he leaned back
against the bricks of the building. “It seems as if we should be
making moral arguments. This is a church, not a factory.”
“To some extent, the public relations
argument is a moral argument. It’s not high-level philosophical
musing, but we’d be appealing to what people think is right, or
fair. That’s a form of morality.”
“Just a form? Or is the will of the people
the best indicator we really have of what’s morally right?”
“You’re asking a Jew whether public opinion
on an issue is ever wrong? Really?” Daniel waited long enough for
Mark to get the point. “Don’t let yourself confuse your
relationship with God and your relationship with the church. As I
understand it, the first one is still solid.” He made a rueful
expression, then added, “I think the second one may be in trouble,
if you’re committed to staying with Lucas Cain. You need to think
about that.”
“No, I don’t.” Mark pushed himself off the
wall. “I don’t need to think about it at all. I should go back in
there and quit, right now. I won’t walk away from Lucas. No
way.”
Daniel laid a gently restraining hand on
Mark’s shoulder. “That’s good to know. That changes our strategy.
But don’t quit just yet, okay? If I know that you’re ready to walk
away, I can push harder.”
“For what?”
“Money, probably.” Daniel smiled at Mark’s
expression. “It’s a blunt instrument, but it’s what we’ve got. If
you want them to change their policies and attitudes you have to
make it uncomfortable for them to not change. And losing money
makes people uncomfortable.”
“Taking money makes me uncomfortable.”
“You don’t have to keep it. Give it to your
favorite charity for gay teens. Hell, give it to your local
Anglican church if you want to really mess with their heads. Or, if
you’re inclined to be a bit more practical, keep it to tide you
over until you find another job and then give away what’s left.”
Daniel stepped forward a little. “But I want you to be sure about
this. Take some time to think it over. Spend some time with Lucas
and make sure he’s on the same page as you with all of it. If you
want to go back to your old life, pre-Lucas, we can still do that,
more or less.”
“No, we can’t,” Mark said quietly. He didn’t
need volume to make his feelings on this crystal clear to him.
“Because I’ve changed. And I like it. I can’t go back and I don’t
want to.”
Daniel nodded. “You’re a lucky guy. And so’s
Lucas. But take some time to think it over anyway, okay? Talk to
him about it. This is a big decision.”
The lawyer was right, Mark mused as he walked
to his car. This was a big decision and that meant he should talk
it over with Lucas because that was the healthy thing to do in a
committed relationship. And maybe they could talk over some other
things as well. Like whether Lucas was about ready to leave the
halfway house, or at least whether he could talk to his parole
officer about an alternate location for his nightly curfew to be
served. The thought of waking up next to Lucas with the morning
light streaming over his golden skin had Mark smiling all the way
to the farm.
He remembered that Alex would be around as he
was parking the car. He wasn’t trying to rub the relationship in
the kid’s face but it seemed to be happening anyway. Well, Mark
would keep the visit short, or maybe see if he could give Lucas a
lift home. He’d gone back to riding his bike lately. Mark wasn’t
sure why Lucas wasn’t driving but he knew he didn’t appreciate the
extra time it all took, giving them less time together. So if he
could steal Lucas away a little early and then get him home faster
in the car, he’d do it.
He knew he was grinning like a lunatic as he
made his way up the hill to the barn and he felt like running or
skipping. He’d always thought the phrase “weight off your
shoulders” was just figurative but it really seemed as if something
physically oppressive had been taken away when Mark had made the
final decision to leave the church. He was free to love whoever he
wanted, and he absolutely had his selection made.
He found Lucas sitting on the concrete barn
floor by Rascal’s cage, the baby raccoon climbing happily over his
shoulders and combing her delicate fingers through his hair.
“Should I be jealous?” Mark asked lightly.
“You guys seem pretty close.”
Lucas looked startled to see Mark. “Alex is
here. I was going to come over to your place tonight.”
Mark stepped forward quickly. Lucas really
didn’t seem pleased. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to stop by. I
thought maybe I could give you a ride home. I wanted to talk to you
about something. Something good.”
Lucas busied himself luring the raccoon back
into her cage and by the time he was done he seemed a bit more
composed. “I need to talk to you too. But I thought I could do it
at your place.”
Something was wrong. Mark moved a little
closer and tried to get a better look at Lucas’s expression. “Are
you okay? Is Sean?” What else did Lucas care about? The farm seemed
fine… “The squirrel?” he tried.
Lucas looked away quickly. “Sean’s the same.
The squirrel’s fine. But…I think this is going too fast. It’s too
much. You know how they say alcoholics shouldn’t date until a long
time after they’re out of rehab? I think it’s kind of the same
thing. I need to focus on myself and make sure I’m okay, and I
don’t need the extra stress.”
Mark’s brain refused to follow Lucas’s train
of thought. “What?” He needed to say more than that. “What
happened? You were fine. We were good. Everything was great.” Had
it just been great for Mark? But, no. He remembered Lucas’s happy
smiles, his relaxed body and slow, calm speech. It was the opposite
of the way he was behaving now. “Something happened,” he said
firmly.
“It just caught up to me,” Lucas said. “All
of it. I don’t want to have to fight for every damn thing. I want
one thing in my life to be easy. Plain and simple. You and me—we’re
not simple.”
Mark had no idea how to respond. “I want to
quit the church,” he said, almost to himself. “I decided. I haven’t
done it yet, but—”
“Don’t do it!” Lucas looked almost ill.
“You’re made for that job. It’s your calling, or whatever. More
than a job. It’s part of who you are and you were always happy
doing it. You should keep doing it. It’s important.”
Mark stared at Lucas. “Yeah, I was happy
doing it. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll be happy doing it now.
Things have changed. You know that.”
“Changed because of me.”
“Yes. But in a good way.” He’d said the same
thing to Daniel a few hours earlier, but maybe he should have been
making it more clear to Lucas all along. “I feel like I’ve woken
up. Sleeping wasn’t bad, but I don’t want to sleep for the rest of
my life. I want to be awake, and I want to be with you.”
“It’s not about you,” Lucas said quickly, as
if he’d rehearsed the words already. “This is about me. I’m not
ready for something like this. It’s getting in the way of my
rehabilitation. It’s hurting me.”
Hurting Lucas. The idea literally rocked Mark
back onto his heels. He couldn’t hurt Lucas. He couldn’t let that
happen. “So what do you need?” he forced himself to ask. “More
space? Some time? What?”
“A lot more space. Like, all of it. I think
we need to stop seeing each other, completely.” Lucas was staring
into the raccoon cage and Mark wanted to reach out and force the
man to turn around.
But he stood completely still instead.
“You’re breaking up with me?” he whispered.
“No, he’s not!” It was a new voice
coming from the stairs to the hay loft. Lucas and Mark whirled in
unison and they both saw a set of feet perched on the top step of
the staircase. The feet moved, started climbing down, and then Alex
appeared, his face almost angry. “This is bullshit,” he said to no
one in particular, then turned to Mark. “Your mother was out here.
I heard her. She worked him over.” He eased off the intensity a
little to say, “Your mom and my dad should probably form a club.”
Then he turned to Lucas, “And you bought it. You think you’re going
to make him better by leaving him? You think that’s going to make
him happy? You are so stupid sometimes!” He turned back to
Mark. “She offered him money, and he turned her down flat. Then she
threatened him, said she’d make sure he got sent back to jail, and
he shut her down on that one too. Then she said that being with him
was hurting you. She said you were going to lose your job, and you
couldn’t build a life with him because of his background and…” He
shook his head almost admiringly. “She hit every button. And he
believed her.” Another frown in Lucas’s direction and a muttered,
“Stupid,” rounded out his speech.
Lucas looked miserable. “She wasn’t wrong,”
he started, but he stopped speaking when Mark stepped forward and
grabbed him by the shoulders.
“She was dead wrong,” he said firmly. “I love
you. I want to be with you. The church? Honestly, Lucas, even if
you did dump me, I’m done with them. I can’t stick my head back in
the sand on that. They say they’re changing but they’re doing it
way too slow. They’re compromising and playing politics and trying
to make everyone happy when what they should be doing is trying to
make God happy. I can serve God without serving that
organization.”
“You’re deciding things too fast,” Lucas
tried, but he stopped talking again when Mark squeezed his
shoulders.
“I’m not. I feel like I’m not deciding at
all. I feel like I’m finally seeing things clearly, and once I see
things that way, there’s no reason not to act on what I discover.”
He wanted to have this conversation with Lucas, but there was
probably something more important to establish first. “I love you.
Being with you makes me happy, and it doesn’t hurt me. It helps me.
I’m a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what’s best
for me. Lucas, you are best for me.” And now Mark had to take the
chance. “I want to be with you. Do you want to be with me?”
Lucas’s expression was hard to read. Fear,
maybe, or deep indecision. Not exactly reassuring, and he took far
longer to answer than Mark would have liked. It was as if all three
of them were frozen for a moment and then Lucas finally gave a
tentative, jerky nod of his head. “I do,” he said. His voice was
tight but the words didn’t feel like a lie. Then he raised his eyes
to meet Mark’s. They blazed cold green defiance and he said, “I
love you too,” as if he were daring the gods to strike him down for
his boldness.
It was Mark’s turn to feel frozen. Lucas
loved him. He loved Lucas. Things had fallen apart but were now
falling together. His hands slid as if of their own volition, down
from Lucas’s shoulders to find his hands and lace their fingers
together.
“You guys are doing a really crappy job of
not rubbing this in my face,” Alex said from somewhere in the
background, but Mark managed to tune him out. He was only paying
attention to Lucas—his tentative, bashful smile, his warm breath as
their faces grew closer, the excitingly familiar press of their
lips, the warm, seductive comfort as their bodies aligned.
“Okay, this is pretty romantic,” Alex was
saying somewhere in the distance. “You guys are like an epic couple
battling the odds. Romeo and Juliet, for sure.”
For that, Mark would break the kiss. “Alex,”
he growled, not taking his gaze away from Lucas, “you need to
either read that play or stop using it as a literary
reference.”
“I saw the movie!” Alex protested.
Lucas turned to stare at him. “Did you watch
it to the end? Grade ten English class, Alex—did you sleep through
that day?” He looked back toward Mark and took a deep, determined
breath. “We’re nothing like Romeo and Juliet,” he said. “’Cause
we’re going to make it.” The declaration was only weakened a little
by the way he raised his eyebrows as if looking for
confirmation.
“We are,” Mark said firmly. He tightened his
fingers around Lucas’s. “We are.”