16. Monroe
“Put some pants on.”
I blink and lower the book I’ve been rereading— Jane Eyre , ironically enough. Of all the things to find on Jin’s bookshelf, the story of a woman who falls for her brooding captor… feels disturbingly on brand.
I’m at the part where Jane flees Thornfield, heartbroken and shattered. Now I look up at Jin looming over the couch with his cold, expressionless face and dark eyes I can never read.
“You’re taking me somewhere?”
“You’ve got five minutes.”
It takes me another second to get moving as Jin turns and walks out the door.
Then I’m scrambling to my feet, a new current of nerves zapping my insides.
For almost two weeks, I’ve been confined to the seven hundred square feet of Jin’s apartment.
For many of those hours, I’ve had a cuff around my ankle, limiting my mobility.
I’ve almost forgotten what fresh air feels like.
Considering I still don’t have clothes of my own, I stick with the t-shirt of Jin’s I’m wearing and add some gym shorts and sneakers. I’m like a little kid playing dress-up as I emerge from his apartment swimming in his things.
Jin’s waiting by the caged elevator, hands plugged into the pockets of his leather jacket.
A flicker of humor passes in his eyes when he sees me. If I didn’t know any better, Jin enjoys seeing me wear his clothes. He finds it amusing how ridiculous it looks that his basketball shorts fall down to my shins and his shoes make my feet flop around as I walk.
It makes me wonder if he’s much more attracted to me than he’s let on. Why would he even want me in his things otherwise?
We descend to the underground garage in silence. I’m just excited to be included. I breathe in the warm air like it’s a lifeline, eager to find out where the night takes us.
Jin and I haven’t been on the best speaking terms. The other night we drank soju, kissed heavily, and then he had been so dismissive about Eli that I couldn’t bring myself to be in the same room as him. I’ve been avoiding him ever since. He seemed fine with it until now.
Does he possibly feel bad about it? Is Jin even capable of guilt in that way?
Jin’s Genesis G80 Sport sits in its usual spot, the sleek car dark and predatory like its owner.
He opens the door for me without a word.
The drive is quiet. Jin focuses on the road while I gaze out the passenger window, trying to guess where we’re headed.
Even after a year in South Korea, Busan at night feels like another planet. It’s a city that never fails to capture my attention with its splendor. I gaze at the distant city skyline and the stretch of the expressway, then glance over at Jin behind the wheel.
Neon signs blur past us, casting flashes of blue and pink light across Jin’s stoic profile.
An emotion I can’t describe wells up inside my chest. I’m at a loss for words, trying to decipher all the things the man beside me makes me think and feel. It’s like we’re enemies while simultaneously becoming something more.
I fear this man while trusting him with my life. I’m both grateful he’s saved me while also resentful he’s taken me like he has. Deep desire lurks inside me, somehow coexisting with the repulsion he’s capable of making me feel.
No one in my life has ever confused me more.
We climb upward, leaving the bright, glittering city behind. The road narrows into tight curves and winding bends lined with trees. My ears pop due to the change in elevation.
After what feels like forever, Jin eases the car to a stop. We’ve finally arrived at our destination.
Hwangnyeongsan Mountain overlooking the city of Busan.
I step out of the car and the wind greets me all at once—warm, fresh, threaded with the scents of pine and ocean salt. A shiver runs through me, not from the air but the relief it stirs inside me that I’m alive and experiencing nature again.
For this moment, I’m free .
Jin rounds the back of the car to pop the trunk and pull out a paper bag. He returns to the front, hopping onto the hood of the Genesis.
“Well?” he prompts, glancing over at me. “Are you joining me?”
“Oh… um, okay.”
I climb up beside him much more awkwardly. While he made jumping up on the hood of his car look smooth and cool, I’m fumbling crawling aboard. He has to help me, grabbing at my elbow to pull me back beside him. My legs stretch out in front of me, hardly dangling over like his do.
Out of the paper bag, he withdraws two bottles of Bong Bong, a peach-flavored soda, and a foil-wrapped package.
He hands me a bottle of soda and unwraps the foiling to reveal the pancake treat known as Hotteok.
The warm and sweet scent of cinnamon and roasted nuts is so pleasant on a summer night like this.
My stomach growls noisily and I flush hot, letting out a soft laugh at the sound.
Jin notices, because the corner of his mouth twitches.
I take my first bite and moan at how the sweet pancake melts in my mouth. “Oh my god, I forgot how good these things are.”
Jin bites into his own, turning his gaze onto the surreal view spooled out in front of us.
I immediately understand why—Busan is a vast, seemingly never-ending grid of glittering starlight.
It feels like we can see every detail of the city from where we sit, like we’re watching the millions of people who live in Busan go on about their lives.
I can stare out at the bright, twinkling lights and think about the families enjoying an evening at home with their loved ones, or the young travelers who are at some bar or club dancing the night away.
I can even see myself going about my life, meeting up with Kelly for dinner or returning home late from volunteering at the orphanage.
It really puts things into perspective. It makes me think about how we’re each just a tiny, glowing dot on a massive lit-up grid. We’re a drop in a huge ocean, always so focused on ourselves, we don’t consider the greater scheme of things.
My breath catches. “It’s… it’s beautiful.”
Jin nods in answer.
For a while, we eat in silence. The only sounds between us are our slow breaths, the crinkle of foil, and the occasional hiss of wind through the trees behind us. It caresses my skin and blows through my tight curls, another sign I’m still alive.
Life hasn’t always gone my way. But I’m holding on. I’m surviving.
I tilt my head back and close my eyes, and before I know it, I’m spilling the thoughts in my head.
“My whole life changed that night,” I say quietly. “The night I went on some dumb blind date, then took a wrong turn in Haeundae and came across you and your men. But it wasn’t the first time I had a night like that.”
Jin turns toward me, listening intently. I can practically sense his focus narrowing to me and me only.
“Two years ago, I was living in Philly. I was a teacher then too. Eli and I had just gotten engaged. We’d moved in together.
We were planning our wedding for the end of the year.
I thought a winter wedding would be so beautiful.
I couldn’t have been happier. It really felt like everything was falling into place.
“Then… one night I got a phone call,” I say, biting the inside of my cheek.
“There’d been an accident. His car was found twisted around the pole of a traffic light.
Police told me he had run a red light by accident.
He was texting when it happened. Died on impact.
I… I had to identify him at the morgue.”
I break down in a sob that comes out of nowhere, flooding through me like the grief normally does when I think of Eli. The taste of salt wets my lips, and I have to swallow several times just to get hold of myself. Just to prepare myself for what I’m about to say.
“A part of me is so angry at him. For being so careless. For leaving me like he did. How could he take away our future?” I ask brokenly.
“I’ve never said that aloud before. I’ve felt ashamed for feeling that way.
But it’s the truth. I hate that I have all these unresolved feelings when I know I need to move on. ”
Jin remains silent a moment longer, then says, “Anger is one of the most honest emotions a person can feel. But people are ashamed to admit it. They believe it’s a poor reflection of themselves, then bottle it up, making it worse.”
I glance at him sideways. “You sound like you know what you’re talking about.”
“I do. I bury emotions all the time. Including anger. Feeling things… can make you lose control.”
“That’s an interesting way to view feeling things. I’m guessing that’s why you avoid it.”
“Up until recently,” he answers cryptically.
Another warm breeze sweeps past us, and I shiver again.
From more than how it feels kissing my skin. From my interpretation of what’s being spoken between us. Am I deluding myself into believing…?
I play it safe, switching to the other topic on my mind. “I’m angry at you too, you know. You’ve stolen everything from me. My name. My job. My life. You’ve done exactly what Eli did and took my future.”
“You have a right to feel that way.”
I blink. “You agree?”
“I didn’t say that. I meant you lost your life. You can’t ever go back. It’s reasonable you would resent that. But maybe I’ve given you another one.”
“A new life, huh? You mean one I didn’t ask for?”
“No,” he concedes calmly. “But one you might need.”
“I don’t get what you mean.”
He shifts, turning toward me. “You said you were angry. That you need to move on. Maybe starting over this way is how you do that.”
“Maybe…”
I let the thought hang between us, returning for another bite of my Hotteok. I never thought I’d enjoy sitting on the hood of a car late at night, eating and admiring the city view as much as I do.
But I also never imagined I’d sit beside a gangster like Jin and feel so… safe and at peace either.
“You’re strangely frustrating,” I blurt out. “But also kind of therapeutic.”