Chapter Six
C HAPTER S IX
Even the most docile animal can be provoked to attack.
—Man’s Best Friend: An Essential Guide to Dogs
Nothing had changed. The same carefully laid table bearing the weight of her mother’s wedding china and a five-pound pot roast sat before her as it had every Sunday of her life.
Claire looked around the familiar dining room. The smell of lemon-scented Pledge filled her nostrils. Every wood surface gleamed from a fresh polish. The silverware, displayed on a heavily starched tablecloth, winked at her beneath the light of the chandelier.
Her mother looked neat and tidy in a white eyelet blouse and flowing skirt. Her father, on the other hand, had merely donned his bowling shirt over a sleeveless white undershirt. The bowling shirt hung open, unbuttoned, giving her an unrestricted view of his bulging belly pushing against the thin white cotton.
Nothing had changed.
Nothing except Claire.
She felt different—a stranger sitting in a chair grooved and worn from years of family dinners. A lifetime had passed since she last sat at her parents’ table. She felt as different on the inside as she looked on the outside.
The gun filling the wide pocket of her cargo pants—its weight a frightening, all-too-real reminder that she wasn’t the same person—had a lot to do with it. The gun was solid, a reassuring presence against her thigh. Strange. She had never imagined bringing a gun into her father’s house. Hell, she had never imagined buying a gun, but that had been the outcome of her last run-in with Gideon March.
Next time she saw Gideon March, she would be ready.
Only Gideon had been surprisingly absent the last few days. Even so, she remained vigilant, carrying her gun on her at all times. Her gut told her this wasn’t over. He would be back. Like a tiger, he would pounce. Only Claire wasn’t a mouse. Not anymore. She would be ready. She would make certain he never made good on any of his threats.
She watched her father’s unfriendly face as he chewed. The sight reminded her of a cow working a cud between its teeth.
“Gravy?” Before she could protest, her mother leaned over her shoulder and covered her plate with the thick brown sauce.
“Sure,” Claire murmured, watching the congealed grease slither a muddy river over her meat and potatoes. She quickly tried to save her green beans and corn from contamination by scraping them out of range with her fork.
Ladle in hand, her mother slanted her head to get a better view of Claire’s eyes. “Very… interesting, but—” She paused, wrinkling her nose. “Couldn’t you have chosen a different shade? Silver is so… so—”
“Weird,” her father readily supplied, his voice hard.
Claire sighed, wishing the ophthalmologist had been more helpful. His diagnosis that her eyes were exceptionally healthy had failed to comfort her. He didn’t seem to understand that they weren’t her eyes.
Her mother’s slight form flitted around the table like a bird, refilling bowls of steaming vegetables and her father’s sweet tea, having yet to take her own seat or eat a single bite of the food she had slaved over all day.
“Glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to have dinner with us,” her father grumbled as he swirled the meat on his fork into his mashed potatoes and gravy. He was a brawny man, not particularly tall, with a square frame, square face, and large, square hands. A dying breed—he earned his living by the sweat of his brow working oil rigs in the Gulf. The best thing about his job was that he was gone weeks, sometimes months, at a time. The worst thing? He always came home.
As he shoveled food into his mouth, Claire studied with detached interest those square hands, her father’s weapon of choice when she, or her mother, had ever gotten out of line. Fortunately for them, they had learned how to stay in line. Actual instances of physical abuse were rare in her memory, but those few had made a lasting impression. To this day, Claire still ducked when someone raised a hand too quickly. Old habits died hard.
Her mother refilled her glass, squeezing her shoulder in encouragement as she passed. Claire glanced appreciatively into her mother’s soft doe eyes. They had learned to communicate silently a long time ago. A touch. A look. A gesture. In her father’s presence, all three served as communication.
“I’m sorry about missing dinner last Sunday.” She decided to try to explain again. “I caught a bug at school—”
“You could have called.” The quickness with which his voice cut in, sharp as a whip, made her flinch. Another old habit.
Her mother eased into her chair, a wobbly smile on her lips as she removed her napkin from the table. “It’s all right, Mike. I don’t mind—”
“Don’t contradict me, Kathleen. You always stick up for her. Your precious little angel over there.” He jerked his head in Claire’s direction.
Her mother dipped her gaze and fiddled with the food on her plate but offered no further comment. She knew better. For that matter, so did Claire. She hadn’t perfected the art of invisibility for nothing, after all.
“You spent all day in there.” Her father jabbed his knife toward the kitchen, lips smacking around a mouthful of beef. “And Miss High-and-Mighty can’t even pick up a phone. But she sure as hell found the time to fix herself up like some kind of tramp.”
She recognized the stark misery in her mother’s face, the slump to her shoulders. She had seen it almost every day of her childhood. If not for her mother, Claire wouldn’t subject herself to these visits.
“Well. We’re glad you’re feeling better,” her mother ventured to say, darting an anxious glance at her husband, as if seeking permission to speak on his behalf.
He studied Claire beneath hooded eyes as he briskly mixed his beans and corn. “Go to the doctor?” he grumbled as though resenting his concern.
“Yes,” she answered, not exactly a lie. After all, she had spent that Friday evening in the emergency room. “I got some antibiotics and only missed work on Monday.”
Grudgingly, he nodded and returned his attention to his plate. “A woman your age shouldn’t be working at all—”
Claire bit her lip. She could recite the rest of this lecture from memory.
“You should be married.” He waved his fork at the empty seats surrounding the dining room table. “I should see some goddamn grandkids sitting in these chairs by now. Have you even once dated since that Brian guy jilted—”
“Mike,” her mother interrupted, gentle reproof in her voice as her worried gaze darted to Claire.
Her father threw his utensils down on his plate, the loud clatter on her mother’s china making her cringe. Leaning back in his chair, he tossed his hands up in the air. “What now, Kathleen? Can’t I speak my mind in my own damned house? What is she? Some goddamned piece of crystal that will break if I mention—”
“Stop yelling at her.” Claire’s words were barely audible, just a puff of air, a whisper of sound as her hand strangled a homemade roll into crumbs. Yet she might as well have shouted. Her mother gasped.
Her father glared at her, the tic that always warned of a dangerous mood jumping wildly at the corner of his left eye. Claire rubbed the edge of her eye as if she felt it herself, as if she could rub it away. Years had passed since she’d seen the tic, but some things remained permanently etched in memory.
“What did you say to me, girl?” He spoke slowly. Precisely.
Something dark and dangerous unfurled in her belly and this time she had no trouble finding her voice. She lifted her chin. “Don’t yell at her. I don’t like it.” Ignoring her mother’s swiftly shaking head, Claire continued. “I’ve never liked it. And I can’t imagine she does either.”
“You don’t like it!” His face turned a deep shade of red as he leaned forward in his chair, pushing his face close to hers. Too close. Her sensitive nose twitched, revolted by the stink of onions on his breath. “Since when does what you like matter in this house?”
A dull roaring started in her ears, increasing in volume as Claire reached for her sweating glass, needing something to hold, to grasp—to stop herself from hauling back and cracking that square jaw of his with her fist.
Only her father didn’t know when to quit. Never had.
His eyes raked her with disgust. “No man even wants you. You’re just a dried-up—”
“Mike!” His name flew from her mother’s mouth sharp with reproach. Her hands slapped over her mouth. But too late.
This time her father offered no warning. He lurched from his chair, hand poised high in the air to deliver a slap to her mother.
“No!” The word erupted from Claire’s mouth, an explosion of sound, freezing his hand midair.
His head snapped in her direction, then, for some reason, swiveled to the wall. He lowered his hand and dropped heavily back into his chair, still staring intently at the wall.
Claire followed his gaze, eyeing the large stain marring the burgundy wallpaper. Shards of glass, almost impossible to distinguish from the melting ice cubes, sparkled like diamonds on the floor.
Still, a long moment passed before understanding sank in—before she realized that she had flung her glass of iced tea against the wall. So quickly. So violently. So abruptly she had not even realized she had moved.
Slumped in his seat, her father fixed wide eyes on her like he had never seen her before, like a stranger sat before him and not his daughter. Varying emotions flitted across his face. Shock. Anger. And, she realized with mingled surprise and disgust, a tiny kernel of respect.
“Claire.” Her mother’s voice broke through the roaring in her head as though from far, far away. “Don’t do this.”
“No more,” Claire ground out, wildly shaking her head. “No more. Do you understand, Dad?”
She had hurled the glass instinctively, thoughtlessly, without strategy, but she wouldn’t back down. Something inside her wouldn’t allow that. Only one thing was definite: she wasn’t afraid. Not of him. Not for herself. Maybe for the first time in her life she was totally, finally, unafraid. And perhaps he recognized that because, incredibly, he started to laugh. The noise sounded strange and fragmented.
“Guess I have to think up a new nickname for you. Mouse won’t fit anymore.” He smiled, or tried to, but something other than humor shaped the curve of his mouth.
Staring into his face, Claire recognized what lurked in his eyes. Could smell the stink of it on the air, taste the faintly coppery twang of it. Fear. Her father was nothing more than a bully. A scared little boy. Fitting, considering he had raised her to be a scared little girl. Today, however, that girl was nowhere to be found.
“Looks like you got a bit of the old man in you after all,” he declared.
His words filled her with rage, snapping the last of her control. Looking down, she noticed the slim, ebony-handled steak knife clutched in her white-knuckled hand. In one swift motion, she flung it into the table directly in front of him with a soft, vibrating thud. Over the shuddering knife, her eyes locked with the man who had cowed and intimidated her since birth.
“I’m nothing like you,” she hissed even though the words sounded foolish. Tossing a knife into the table only proved him right. She was no better than he. A bully.
Unclenching her fist, she let her arm drop to her side. Suddenly, she remembered the gun in her pocket, so available, so ready. Her loose fingers twitched at her side, and she knew she had to leave. Immediately. Before she went too far. She shoved back from the table and fled her father’s stunned expression and her mother’s muffled sobs.
With a numb heart, she strode through the hallway lined with studio-perfect pictures of a model family, pausing when she came abreast of one photograph. She turned and looked at a younger version of herself. She was maybe six. Outfitted in the customary Christmas sweater with her parents on either side of her. Her father gripped her shoulder, his sun-darkened hand twice as large as the pale smudge of her face. Her smile looked fragile, brittle as glass. That scared little girl seemed a lifetime ago.
Shaking her head, Claire removed it from the wall and walked out the front door into the deepening night, not breaking stride when her mother called her name. She paused at the curb where the garbage waited for tomorrow’s pickup, the fetid odor seeming to taint the air in streaks of yellow.
Without hesitating, she dropped the picture into one of the cans, stealing a glance at the charcoal sky as she did so. The moon stared down at her, a small slice of white against the starless night. Gideon March’s voice floated from memory. On the next full moon, you will shift.
Claire shivered in the warm air and slid inside her car, ridiculously relieved to escape the pale orb’s watchful gaze. Sighing, she forced herself not to estimate how many days remained until the full moon.
Her gaze drifted to her reflection in the rearview mirror. The silver eyes glowed back at her, mocking, challenging. There was no hiding from them. Or the stranger she had become. She swallowed the lump in her throat. At least she knew the little girl in the photograph. This woman—she didn’t know her at all.
Claire stared out at the sea of familiar faces, doing a quick roll check. The students chatted, the drone of conversation comforting in its normalcy, helping her forget that only days ago she had stabbed a knife into her parents’ table, mere inches from her father’s nose. Here, in the bright fluorescent glare of her classroom, her world felt familiar again.
“Hey, Miss Morgan!”
Claire looked up from her attendance folder and smiled warmly at Nina, a pretty, bright-eyed girl who had transferred early second semester. “?’Morning, Nina.”
Nina neared the podium and whispered conspiratorially, “Still looking hot, Miss Morgan. You gotta tell me who does your hair.”
Claire smiled, the girl’s syrupy sweet breath making her stomach growl. “I’ve got the business card in my purse. I’ll give it to you tomorrow.” The peal of the first period bell shook the air.
“Okay.” Nina hesitated before taking her seat, her perfect white teeth gnawing her bottom lip. “Have you heard from Lenny?”
The question caught Claire off guard. She had convinced herself she was the only one who cared, the only one hoping to glance up and find him sitting in his seat like any other day.
“No, I haven’t.”
“He didn’t show up for his SAT.”
“I know,” she replied vaguely, inclined to keep Nina from worrying.
“Something’s not right, Miss Morgan.”
Claire hedged, dropping her gaze and bending the attendance folder in her hands. “I’m sure he will be back. Wait and see.”
Her stomach churned at dishing out such garbage. The same garbage Jill Tanners had spewed to her. The same garbage that had ticked Claire off and prompted the ill-fated trip to Lenny’s apartment.
“Last time I saw him, he just walked right on by. Like he didn’t even see me.”
Claire’s gaze shot back up, irrational hope hammering in her chest. “You saw him? When?”
“A couple weeks ago. At Woody’s. He was with these creepy-looking older guys. He walked past me without even saying hi.”
Claire’s shoulders slumped. Nina hadn’t seen Lenny. Not recently. Unable to think of a suitable reply, she gestured to Nina’s desk. “Let’s get started.”
Nina nodded and took her seat in the front. Claire sighed, sensing Nina’s disappointment and feeling she had somehow let her down. Just like Lenny. She pushed thoughts of Lenny aside, sealing him in the far corner of her mind. Finished checking roll, she placed the folder in the pocket outside her door just as Ray Bailey strolled into the room with his loping gait. He gave her his signature nod, indifferent to his tardiness.
“Ray, it’s Wednesday. Sure you’re supposed to be here?” she asked with an edge to her voice. A few of the students chuckled at her uncustomary sarcasm.
Ray showed up once a week, usually on Friday, to provide weekend party supplies for his clients. She wondered if his business —an enterprise of which the faculty and administration were well aware but lacked proof to stop—had brought him here today.
He answered with a shrug as he dropped his six-feet-plus frame into his seat in the back—no backpack, textbook, or writing instruments anywhere on his person.
Pointing to the blackboard, she began reviewing the day’s agenda aloud, stopping to glare at the back of the room where Ray engaged in a lively conversation with the boy in the row across from him.
Her silence finally drew his attention, and he gave her a belligerent glare of his own, lifting both eyebrows in challenge. But even in that glare, his confusion was unmistakable. Claire never bothered him. All year she had ignored his disruptions, finding it easier than confronting him. She had suffered his presence in her room, telling herself it was only once a week. Yet the sight of him lounging lazily at his desk, carrying on a conversation while she tried to teach, made her blood burn.
“What?” he sneered.
“I’m waiting.”
“Waiting for what?”
Something snapped inside her and she heard herself say, “Waiting for you to shut up.”
The words flew out of her mouth at missile speed.
Dead silence filled the room. The voice of the teacher in the neighboring classroom seemed unnaturally loud through the partition wall. As did the squeaking wheels of the janitor’s cart somewhere amid the school’s halls.
The other students exchanged looks, some incredulous, some uneasy, all uncertain.
“What’d you say, bitch?” Ray demanded. The harsh rasp of his voice scratched the air, reverberating over the gentle hum of the air conditioner.
She moved from behind the podium and strode down the narrow aisle with predatory precision, stepping over backpacks and purses without once looking down. Heads swiveled to watch her progress to the back of the room.
Stopping in front of Ray, an odd rush of warmth filled her as she leaned down. Her skin simmered, heated by the blood coursing beneath. Impossible as it seemed, she felt herself expand, growing larger and taller than her diminutive five feet two. With hard hands, she grasped the edge of his desk. The simulated wood creaked beneath the pressure of her fingers and she felt certain with only a little more force she could splinter the desk with her bare hands.
Lowering her head, she locked eyes with him and watched in satisfaction as the challenge faded and melted from the dark liquid pools. He dropped his gaze to the top of his desk, shrinking in his seat, the plastic chair creaking from the shifting of his weight. His cockiness evaporated on the air like a wisp of smoke.
His earlier words still ringing in her ears, she growled, “Care to repeat yourself?”
He shook his head, still avoiding her gaze. She reveled in his fear, could smell it, could taste it even, its warm, coppery sweetness flooding her mouth and filling her with a strange hunger. The hunger to hurt.
And that made her stop.
As if burned, she released the desk and looked around at the faces of her students. She read the shock in their eyes and bile rose thick in her throat. Her anger had moved beyond the walls of her parents’ house. Today she had an entire audience to witness her behavior. And this time, she hadn’t wanted to stop. She had wanted to push further, harder. Wanted to hurt.
Digging deep, she fumbled to recover the old, familiar Claire. The orderly, unassuming woman buried somewhere deep inside. The little girl with limp curls in her Christmas sweater. Where had she gone? And most important, how could she get her back?
In a crisp, businesslike tone she instructed the class, “Open your books to page four seventy-six.”
Claire sensed Nina’s approach, smelled the sweetness of her vanilla perfume even before she felt the slight pressure on her shoulder.
“Miss Morgan?”
She lifted her head from the desk located at the back of the room, where she had collapsed after the student exodus following the seventh period bell. Claire ran her hands over her face tiredly.
Nina stared down at her, the smooth skin of her brow creased in worry. “It’s all right.” Her fingers flexed on Claire’s shoulder in a comforting squeeze. “About time someone showed that jerk up.”
Claire briefly closed her eyes and shook her head, not bothering to voice her whirling thoughts. Nina was just a kid, a student. She had no concept of a teacher’s duty to treat all students with respect despite how they treated you. And it wasn’t Claire’s place to burden her with a lesson on professional responsibility.
She stood, the legs of her chair scraping the linoleum floor, chafing her already frayed nerves. “It’s after four. What are you still doing here?”
Hurt flickered across the girl’s expressive face, and Claire instantly regretted her sharpness. She had been a teacher for almost ten years now, and in that time certain students had undeniably touched her heart. Every year there were a special few, ones she never forgot—ones like Nina who sat forward in their seats with shining eyes, hungry to learn. Students like her were a gift and didn’t deserve coldness, even if Claire only craved solitude.
“I had dance practice,” she said in a small, wounded voice.
“Oh.” Claire glanced down at the shiny purple tights covering Nina’s slim legs. Softening her tone, she asked, “Aren’t you going to miss the late bus?”
“I got a ride waiting,” she replied, her golden brown eyes studying Claire.
“Hello, hello,” Maggie chirped as she strolled into the room, coffee cup in hand. Claire knew it had to be her twelfth cup of the day. Coffee was the only thing that kept her friend going until she could escape work for a cigarette.
Despite her cheerful tone, her eyes appeared guarded and uncertain as they assessed Claire. Nodding briefly to Nina, the concern in her probing gaze was unmistakable. Maggie knew about today. No surprise. Students talked and Maggie had a good rapport with the kids.
Nina picked up her backpack where she had dropped it on the floor. “I’ll see ya later, Miss Morgan.”
“?’Bye, Nina.”
Maggie waited until the girl left before asking quietly, “You okay?”
“Yes,” Claire lied. “Fine.”
Clasping both hands around her mug, Maggie gently announced, “I heard about today.”
“Figured you had.”
“Want to talk about it?”
Claire forced a smile and began straightening the papers on her desk. “Nope.”
“Hey, we all have those days. One kid goes too far, says the wrong thing, and bang.” Maggie snapped her fingers. “It happens to the best of us.”
“Right.” Claire snapped the day’s homework assignment she needed to grade with a large binder clip.
“Only—”
Claire looked up, hearing Maggie’s hesitation.
With a small, apologetic smile, Maggie admitted, “ You never have those days.” Sighing, she shook her head and stared into her cup before looking back up. “At least, never before.” Her voice softened to ask, “What’s going on, Claire?”
Claire sank into her chair and ran her hands over her face. “I don’t know, Maggie. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Did you really face off with Ray Bailey?”
Claire released a humorless crack of laughter. “Yeah, I did.”
Maggie lowered herself into the desk nearest Claire’s. “You think that was smart?”
What could Claire say to that? How could she explain that she hadn’t stopped to think at all? Just acted. Folding her hands neatly in front of her, she went for honesty. “No.”
“A kid like that might want a little payback, Claire. He’s gotta save face.”
Oddly enough, that didn’t worry Claire. Not like it should have. She wasn’t at all concerned about her own safety. What worried her was how she would react if he did challenge her.
“School will be out soon,” Maggie murmured. “You got enough days saved up. Maybe you should take a leave. Come back in the fall. Refreshed.”
Claire studied her friend’s face before saying, “You think I should?”
“Yes.” Maggie nodded slowly. “I do.”
Claire drew a deep breath.
A day like today couldn’t be repeated. Her students deserved better than a teacher who could no longer control her temper. Snapping at students, taking on bullies… all without conscious thought. A stranger to herself, what guarantee did she have that it wouldn’t happen again? She couldn’t take the risk. Her job required patience and a cool head. Two things she sorely lacked lately.
Today marked the first time in her career she had incited fear in a student. The fright in Ray Bailey’s face replayed itself in her mind like a terrible car crash that she couldn’t shake.
She swiped at eyes that burned with unshed tears, hating to admit that she was so changed, that something was wrong with her, that maybe there was something to the ravings of Gideon March after all. That maybe the guy wasn’t totally crazy. The possibility rattled her. Because if he wasn’t crazy, then neither was her attraction to him.