Chapter 7 #4
Maca was great with the lyrics, but I was just as good, if not better than he was with the music.
It was why we worked well together over the years.
Billy and Tom never wrote lyrics, but they were both amazingly talented musicians and could turn my humming of a tune into an intricate musical masterpiece within minutes.
We’d grown and evolved over the years, and although we’d improved massively, we still had a lot to learn.
“You wanna work on it now, or d’ya wanna eat?” I asked.
“Go get your guitar. I’ll eat later.”
I carried the Santa Sack, (my mum still insisted on putting all our presents into it), to my room and emptied the contents onto the bed.
Despite the money I was earning, my parents still bought me the usual socks, underwear, and aftershave, as well as a checked Ben Sherman shirt.
I had a vintage looking, Small Faces T-shirt from Jim and Len, along with a rare European import copy of ‘That’s Entertainment’ by The Jam.
Bailey had given me a bottle of bourbon.
As I reached for Maca’s gifts from my mum and Dad, I noticed another gift, still wrapped.
I recognised Georgia’s handwriting on the tag instantly and I was shocked to see that it was for me.
I tore apart the wrapping and opened the cardboard pouch, tipping it upside down and shook it over my bed.
A black leather guitar strap slid out. It had red stitching and the heart-shaped crying eye, which was the bands logo, stitched into the leather, along with the letters B B M.
I read the message on the tag properly.
To my Big Brother, Marley,
Merry Christmas!
Your Little Sister, Georgia
XXXXX
I ran my thumb and finger over the leather, my emotions at war inside my head and my heart.
I wanted to be angry at my sister for shutting me out, for not being prepared to talk to me or hear Maca out, but at the same time, when I saw her, it was then that I understood how hurt she was and I knew that she just needed time to heal.
The small gesture from G gave me hope that one day I’d have her back in my life.
I folded up the strap and placed it carefully in my drawer, grabbed Maca’s presents from the bed, and headed back to his room.
I sat on his bed and rolled a joint as he unwrapped the standard socks, boxers, and aftershave that my mum and Dad got him every year.
When I’d finished rolling and lit the spliff, Maca passed me a sheet of A4 paper with words written all over it. I moved up the bed and leaned back on the headboard next to him so that I could use the light from the lamp and start to read the words to the song that he’d written.
Seaside Heart
My heart, it’s like a seaside town.
On a dark, winter’s day,
The shutters are down. The crowds stay away.
Its beat it resounds, resembling a military tattoo.
But devoid of all feeling, since there wasn't you.
My heart, it’s like a seaside town, when the wind blows hard.
And lightning strikes, all emotion charred.
It's bleak and it's lonely.
It's cold and it's bare.
The sun doesn't shine.
Now that you're not there.
I miss you so much,
That I can barely breathe.
Without your warmth, taste, and touch,
I'm brought to my knees.
Like a seaside town,
I'll wait for my sun.
Keep my love boarded up
Till the day that you come.
I'll wait and I'll hope.
I'll beg and I'll plead.
Worship at your feet,
If that's what you need.
Just like the sunshine,
I know you'll return.
Our bond too strong,
For you not to be mine.
Until that day happens,
When the sun shines bright,
I’ll keep your heart in my hands,
My memories held tight.
Like a seaside town,
I’ll always believe
In the love that we share,
Of you and of me.
I ran my hand over my face, struggling to find the right words to respond. I took a draw on the joint before passing it to Maca. I scratched at my head and let the effects of the weed slalom through my brain.
“I don’t know what to say,” I mumbled on an exhale. “Fuck, mate, that’s fucking brilliant. I—I honestly—I have no words.”
We sat in silence for a few long moments. I’d had one question going around in my head and although I wasn’t scared to ask it, I was terrified of the answer.
“Is this really how you feel?” I eventually asked, already knowing what the answer would be.
“Every second of every day.”
“Fuck, Mac … how? I mean, shit. How do you get through a day? How can you live your life feeling like this?”
He took a long draw, then passed the joint back to me. I stared up at the ceiling as I waited for his answer. I heard him blowing out the smoke he’d inhaled.
“I can’t, not anymore. I’m done, Marls. I love your sister, I’ll never stop loving her, but I need to let her go. If I don’t, it’s gonna kill me.”
I turned my head towards him, my mind racing with what that meant.
“You’ve not … I mean, you wouldn’t? Shit.” I sat up and tried to get what I wanted to say straight in my head.
“You wouldn’t do anything stupid though, would ya, mate?” Despite feeling boneless and light, my heart was racing as I asked.
“You mean top myself?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean, Mac. Please tell me that’s not something you’d do.” I smoked the joint down to the roach and put it out before turning to look at him.
“Do you never think about dying, Marls?” The gold and amber in his brown eyes apparent as the light from the lamo caught them. I laughed, rather than answer his question.
“What are you laughing at?” he asked. “I thought you was asking a serious question, ya dick.”
I laughed again. “Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking that your eyes look pretty in the lamplight.”
“My eyes look pretty?” he asked on a chuckle, and it felt good to see him smile for a beat.
“Yeah, sorry,” I tell him with a head shake.
“You’re fucking mad. You’re not gonna make a pass at me or anything, are you, Marls? Coz no offence, mate, but you’re just not my type.”
“No, Mac, I’m not gonna make a pass at you. Sorry, I’ll just shut up.”
“Yeah, I think that’d be for the best.”
“Although, we’ve never spoken about what happened with Siobhan that time.”
He let out a long sigh and turned his head to look at me, raising first his eyebrows, then his shoulders in a shrug.
“What’s there to talk about? Like you said, at the time it was just sex.
We were both fucking the same person at the same time.
It’s happened since then, and I’m sure it’ll happen again, but it’s not like we fucked each other.
I love ya, Marls, but I have absolutely no desire to fuck you. No offence, mate.”
I smiled at him. “None taken. Your eyes still look pretty in the lamplight though.”
“Fuck off being a dick,” he said with a grin. The mellow from my joint now superseded by the buzz I felt at making him smile.
“And stop avoiding the question I just asked.”
“What was the question?” .
“Do you ever think about dying?”
I decided to go with honesty.
“Not often, no. It’s crossed my mind occasionally, especially when we were on tour and I was using a lot, but now that I’ve stopped all that ol’ bollocks, no, not often.” I paused for a few seconds, actually thinking about my own death.
“I could never put my family through the consequences of me doing something deliberate. I hate to think what that might do to them,” I tell him honestly.
“Yeah, well, that’s probably the difference between me and you.”
“What is?”
“You’ve got people that give a fuck. Who gives a shit about me?”
“Oh, charming. So what about me and my family? What about Tom, Bill, all of our fans? Dude, how can you lay there and even say that?” Anger started to boil away at his crass comment and I actually wanted to punch him.
“I know things have been shit between you and my family lately, but they still love you the same. Even George, despite everything, still loves you.”
“Yeah, perhaps they do, perhaps she does, but not enough to get me an invite to Christmas dinner and not enough to reply to one of my letters, or to pick up the phone and say ‘let’s talk.’ Not enough for much, really.”
“I’m not defending her, but she’s hurt and angry, and perhaps we all have to accept the fact that she’s never gonna forgive us. I hope that’s not the case, but I don’t think George is gonna be getting in touch anytime soon, but that’s not to say she wouldn’t care if anything happened to you.”
I didn’t want to tell him that she gave me a Christmas present, as I thought he’d take it one of two ways.
He’d either be really hurt that she didn’t get him anything, or he’d see it as G’s walls coming down.
And as much as I would’ve hoped that’d be the case, I didn’t know if she’d ever be ready to give Maca another chance.
“Think about it. If she’s this devastated at the thought of you with another bird, can you imagine what state she’d be in if anything ever happened to you?”
He shook his head. “Probably the same way I’d feel if anything ever happened to her.”
“Well, there ya go then. Now, stop talking shit and let’s get a tune going for this lyrical masterpiece you’ve spent the day writing.”
Seaside Heart was the fastest and biggest selling single of 1986 in five countries.