Chapter 19
Melanie
My heart started to beat faster the longer I waited on Ryan to answer me.
He dropped his gaze to his lap as soon as the words left my mouth, and I knew I’d been right. He hadn’t told me everything.
I studied him carefully as he clenched and unclenched his fists, then closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing.
“Ryan,” Kim called his name softly and he slowly raised his head and opened his eyes. My breath caught when I saw a single tear roll down his cheek, then he nodded at her and slowly, reluctantly, turned his head to look at me.
“When she climbed onto my lap, I was completely shocked. I told you that. I was just…frozen at first, and it took me longer than it should have to figure out what the hell was happening. By that time, she was…,” his voice grew raspy and he swallowed hard, then took a quick sip of his water.
“She was rubbing her chest against me, and grinding on my lap,” he said hesitantly, then stopped.
He closed his eyes and took another breath, as if he needed to steady himself.
“I didn’t stop her as soon as I should have. She was grinding her…herself on my lap and for a few seconds, I…my body responded.” His confession ended on a ragged whisper, and he took in a shuddering breath.
“I swear to you, I didn’t want her. I didn’t touch her.
I wasn’t attracted to her at all, Melanie.
It was just a biological reaction to the friction, or the pressure of her moving on top of me like that.
As soon as I realized what was happening, I jumped up and everything else is just like I told you.
She fell off my lap, I caught her, so she didn’t hurt herself, I knocked over the beer, the bouncer came over, and I left to go back to the hotel.
I was ashamed. I felt so guilty, and I knew it would hurt you even more, so I didn’t tell you that part. ”
“That you had a hard-on because another woman was rubbing her nearly naked body all over you…that she was grinding her pussy over your dick. That’s a pretty important part to leave out, Ryan.”
His eyes fell shut again and he nodded as another tear, then another, rolled down his face.
I closed my own eyes, unable to look at him at that moment. I took a deep breath and held it, then slowly exhaled, repeating the process a few times until the blood no longer pounded in my ears.
Images of Ryan and that faceless woman bombarded my brain until I felt sick to my stomach. But as much as his final confession hurt, part of me had been afraid it was going to be so much worse.
“Melanie?” My eyes popped open and I found Kim looking at me with concern. “Do you want to ask anything else right now, or do you need a moment?”
I shook my head, still not looking at Ryan. “I think I’m done for today.”
I stood and reached for my coat and purse, and Ryan stood as well, looking at me as if I were something fragile that he was afraid he would break. He wasn’t too far off with that assessment. I was afraid that if I had to absorb just one more blow, I’d shatter into a million tiny pieces.
“You and I have an individual session scheduled for Tuesday. Do you still want to keep that, or change it to another joint session?”
I hesitated, then asked if we could let her know.
“Of course,” she said, offering me a supportive smile.
“Are you OK to drive?” Ryan asked, and I nodded. “Are you sure? I can call Mark, or Jen if you want me to.”
“I’ll be fine.”
I was almost to the door when he called out, “I’m so sorry, Melanie. I love you, and I hope you can believe that, if nothing else.”
My hand hovered on the door handle, then I squared my shoulders and turned it, then stepped out into the hallway. I heard Ryan asking about a session for himself as I strode down the hall as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself.
I moved on autopilot as I got in my car and started the engine, trying desperately to keep my mind blank as I drove the short distance back to my parents’ condo. I’d originally planned to go back to work after our appointment, but that wasn’t going to happen now.
I sent a quick message off to Neela and Jen to let them know I wouldn’t be in after all, and Jen called me within seconds to make sure I was OK since she knew we’d had our first joint counseling session.
I lied and told her I was fine, but tired.
She didn’t totally believe me, but thankfully she didn’t press the issue.
After I hung up, I stripped out of my clothes and took a bath in the hottest water I could stand.
I laid my head against the back of the tub and staired at the tile on the wall as I replayed every moment of our session.
Each revelation, each confession, each apology.
I decided not to tell you.
My body responded.
It was just a biological reaction.
I soaked in the tub until the water cooled, then forced myself to get out.
I didn’t bother getting dressed, instead pulling on the cozy, soft fleece pajamas I’d picked up from the house on Wednesday.
I wasn’t planning to go anywhere for the rest of day, so I might as well be comfortable.
Out of habit, I picked up my phone and found a text from the clinic, letting me know my test results were available.
With shaking hands, I logged into the patient portal account I’d set up when I registered at the clinic on Tuesday.
Even though I believed that Ryan hadn’t cheated with the stripper, I was nervous for some reason.
Residual trauma from my ex-husband, probably.
Still, I breathed a sigh of relief when the results were all negative.
I was mindlessly scrolling through the channels on the TV when the doorbell rang a little after three o’clock.
When I looked through the peephole, I was surprised to see Tanner’s face staring back at me.
I pulled open the door with a smile, to see Garrett standing next to him.
Both of them had their backpacks plus a small duffle bag, and both of them were wearing my dad’s jackets that I’d made them take with them on Wednesday.
“This is a surprise,” I said as I pulled each of them into a hug. I stepped back so they could come in, and they dropped their bags in the corner of the entry and shed their borrowed coats.
“We hope it’s OK, but we decided to come hang out with you this weekend. I could use some help with an English paper that’s due Monday.” Garrett said as he bent down to take off his boots.
Tanner turned and hung the coats in the front closet as he added, “I have a Spanish test I need to study for, and since you hablas espanol, I figured you could quiz me.”
My sons were an awful lot like their dad. They had trouble looking me in the eye when they were lying. I didn’t call them out on it though and just let them think I believed that they came to stay for the weekend so I could help them with their college coursework.
“Solo hablo un poco de Espanol, mijo, so hopefully it’s an easy test,” I teased, causing Tanner to give me a blank look.
“Oh, for God’s sake, bro, she said I only speak a little Spanish, son.”
“I knew that,” Tanner bristled. “It just took me a second to switch my brain over from English.”
Garrett rolled his eyes and shouldered past him to get to the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and bent down to look inside, then peered up over the top of the door at me.
“Mom, the fridge is totally empty aside from a container of coffee creamer, a bottle of sweet tea, and a half-empty container of chicken lo mein from The Golden Wok. Where is the food?”
I had to chuckle at his horrified expression and then explained that I hadn’t bothered buying groceries yet since I wasn’t sure how long I’d be staying here.
He and Tanner exchanged glances, then Tanner asked, “Are you going back home this weekend?”
“No,” I admitted.
He turned and reached into the closet, grabbing the coats he’d just hung up and tossing one to Garrett.
“C’mon, man, we’re going shopping.”
I sighed, then told them to give me a second to get changed.
“You don’t have to go, Mom. We can handle it.”
I arched a brow at Garrett. “If we’re going to have food, I’d like it to be something a little more nutritious than Pop-Tarts and frozen burritos.”
Tanner gave me an affronted glare. “Give us some credit, Mom. We would have grabbed some vegetables, too.” He couldn’t keep a straight face though, when he asked, “Potato chips do count as a vegetable, right?”
I laughed as I headed to the bedroom to get dressed because apparently, my boys were determined to take care of me this weekend whether I needed them to or not.
Later that evening, after I’d made spaghetti and meatballs for dinner – using store-bought sauce and pasta because I wasn’t about to buy all the ingredients needed to make my own as I usually did – they cleaned up the kitchen while I tried to find a movie for us to watch on TV.
My phone rang, and I stiffened as I saw Ryan’s name on the screen.
He’d sent me two texts earlier to ask if I was OK.
I’d ignored the first one, which had been sent while I was soaking in the tub.
The second one came in while we were in the cereal aisle, and I’d responded with a thumbs up emoji, which I figured was better than the middle finger emoji I was tempted to send.
He’d send a third text while I was cooking, asking if we could talk. I’d ignored that one too, but apparently he couldn’t take a hint.
I let it go to voice mail, then sent him a quick text.
Me: Can’t talk. The boys are here for the weekend.
Ryan: Call me if you need anything. I’m doing a grief counseling session with Kim on Monday afternoon. If you want to make Tuesday’s session a joint one, I’d like that. If you would rather talk to her on your own, I’ll understand.
The boys came and plopped down on either side of me, Tanner carrying the package of cookies we’d bought and Garrett carrying a can of mixed nuts.
“We just finished dinner,” I chided with a chuckle.
Garrett shrugged. “We’re growing boys,” he said as he popped a handful of cashews into his mouth.