Chapter 20 #2
“I had sole custody of Garrett, and Holly only saw him a dozen or so times in two years, so honestly, while it was shocking and sad that she died so senselessly, her passing didn’t really affect our daily lives.”
I inclined my head toward Mel and smiled.
“Then, I met Melanie and she stepped in and loved Garrett as a mother should, and outside of some curiosity about what she was like, Garrett’s never seemed to miss having his birth mother in his life.”
Melanie surreptitiously wiped a tear from her eye as Kim asked about my mother.
I exhaled harshly. I didn’t talk about my mom much and doing it now felt as if I were ripping a bandage off a raw, open wound.
“Mom had gallbladder surgery when I was fifteen. My brother Derek was only ten. It was just a routine procedure, but there were complications, and a blood clot broke off and went to her brain the day she was supposed to come home from the hospital.”
I stopped talking for a moment, lost in the memory of that day. Mel reached over and took my hand, threading her fingers through mine. I jerked my head up and looked at her in surprise, and she gave me a tremulous smile.
“The, uh, hospital called just a few minutes after Dad left to go pick her up. The nurse assumed I was him when I answered the phone. My voice had already changed and was pretty deep by that point, I guess. She said Janice had suffered a stroke, and I needed to get there right away. I called my dad on his cell phone and told him. He called me back two hours later to let me know that Mom was hanging in there and told me to feed Derek dinner because he was going to stay at the hospital for a while.”
I reluctantly let go of Mel’s hand to reach for one of the bottles of water on the table and unscrewed the cap before taking a long sip.
“Mitch helped me keep Derek occupied so he didn’t realize anything was wrong. Kept me from freaking out, too, because Dad didn’t get home until almost midnight.”
“I didn’t know Mitch was there that day. You’ve never told me that,” Melanie said softly, looking puzzled.
I shrugged. “I just didn’t think to mention it, I guess. Grady was visiting his grandparents that week, but Mitch had come over to play a video game. The Legend of Zelda,” I laughed softly. I hadn’t thought of that game in years, but Grady, Mitch and I used to play it for hours.
“Anyway, Mom spent three months in a skilled nursing facility, but she never fully recovered. She had limited use of one side and had to use a wheelchair because she wasn’t strong enough or steady enough to use a walker.
She had difficulty speaking, which bothered her even more than the walker did.
Then, she had a massive stroke two weeks after I graduated from high school, and she didn’t make it. ”
Melanie reached for a tissue and wiped her eyes, and I swiped at the tears that had formed in the corners of mine.
Kim was silent for a moment. “You’ve suffered four very significant losses, Ryan, which is especially traumatic since one was in your formative years and you had to see your mom struggle.
That’s a lot to deal with. Did you receive any grief counseling at all?
From a guidance counselor at school, even? ”
I shook my head. “No. When Mom died, I was busy helping Dad with Derek, and then with starting college. Mom had hated being incapacitated, so even though I missed her like hell, it was almost a relief since she wasn’t suffering anymore.
Garrett was too young to understand when Holly died, and since she hadn’t been around much, I’m not sure he even noticed anything had changed.
Neither of the boys wanted to do it after my dad and Grady died, so Melanie and I didn’t force them. ”
“You didn’t think you needed to talk to someone about what you were feeling?”
“No,” I said gruffly. “I had my dad, Grady, and Mitch when Mom died. It sounds shitty, but when Holly died, I was sad for Garrett’s sake, but I never would have married her if it weren’t for the pregnancy, and any feelings I had for her were long gone by the time we divorced.”
I took a chance and reached for Melanie’s hand again as I said, “Then, I had Melanie when we lost Dad and Grady. She helped me more than she’ll ever know.”
Kim nodded and gave us a small smile.
“We’ll need to talk about everything in more depth, but based on what you’ve told me, do you think it’s possible that your grief has a lot to do with why you maintained a friendship with Mitch, even when it was detrimental to you?”
My brows rose in surprise, and Kim shrugged.
“Grief is an incredibly complex emotion, and everyone experiences it differently. Research shows us that grief causes hormonal changes within the body, modifying levels of things such as endorphins, cortisol, oxytocin, and adrenaline, among others. Those changes affect mood, sleep patterns, appetite, blood pressure, heart rate and so much more. Oxytocin is sometimes called the ‘bonding hormone’ because it regulates emotional attachment, social bonding, and behavior.” Kim paused for a minute and studied me closely.
“It’s possible that you formed a stronger, longer-lasting bond with Mitch than you would have under normal circumstances partly due to the fact that he was there when you got the call about your mother.
You said that he was there for you that day.
He supported you, helped you with your brother.
That may have deepened the connection with Mitch in your mind.
Then, after Grady died, Mitch returned. He was there again, and the connection became stronger. ”
“So, you think I remained friends with that guy because I was grieving?” I could hear the skepticism in my voice, and so could Kim.
“I think we need to consider that possibility,” she said confidently, then explained that there were definitely other factors at play.
“After your dad and Grady died, Mitch was the one person left who you could share memories of that time in your life. You didn’t know Melanie in high school.
She didn’t know your mother, or Holly. Mitch did though, and even if you never talked about any of this with him, in the back of your mind you knew that you could, because you had shared those experiences with him. ”
I suddenly recalled that Mitch and I had talked about my dad in Vegas, and how nice that had felt to share memories that I hadn’t thought about in years. Maybe Kim was on to something.
“There is also scientific evidence that physical activity makes us feel better by increasing dopamine and adrenaline levels, which are some of the hormones affected by grief. I suspect that all of the gym workouts, golf and other activities you and Mitch did together increased those levels, which helped mask your pain and depression. You felt better after the activity, mentally and physically, and that feeling became associated with being around Mitch.”
“So I fooled myself into thinking that hanging out with Mitch made me feel better?”
“I think it’s definitely something to consider.
” Kim repeated. “Unfortunately, as you now know, Mitch has a toxic personality, and toxicity is insidious. It spreads into every little crack, widening them and making the foundation crumble, if you’ll forgive me for veering into your professional lane,” she chuckled.
I cracked a smile, and Melanie laughed softly.
“You and Melanie are on shaky ground, and as you know, you can’t build on that.
You’re going to have to rebuild a solid foundation, and part of that will be learning to deal with your grief in healthy, productive ways.
Going to the gym as you have been is an excellent way to help regulate your body’s hormone levels, as long as you avoid Mitch or people like him,” she added.
“That won’t be a problem since I changed gyms.”
“Good. Now, our time is almost up for today, but I would like to continue our grief therapy sessions if you’re open to that, Ryan.”
“Yes, I am. Honestly, I didn’t have high expectations for this, but I’m starting to understand how it’s affected so many different facets of my life, and my marriage.”
“I’m glad to hear that. I would suggest meeting weekly, or even biweekly, for a bit, and then we can reevaluate after three or four sessions.”
“That’s fine,” I replied. We both looked at our calendars and set up sessions for the next four consecutive Mondays, then Kim asked about tomorrow’s session.
“Do you know yet if you want to do an individual or joint session, Melanie?”