18. Stella
18
STELLA
“Oh my god,” Katarina says, her eyes wide. “That is…so much. Oh my god!”
“I know!” I nearly knock over my mug of tea. It’s a giant relief to share how wild my new life is with someone who won’t shoot back even more preposterous plans and act like all this makes any fucking sense.
It almost seems worse to go over all the outlandish details in a place that reverberates calm. As much calm as you can get in a dragon’s lair anyway. The curated grounds sprawl around us. The colors are starting to change in the cool weather.
Just a few weeks ago, Katarina and I would hang out on this patio and gossip about anything and everything.
And now I’m back as a married woman and with a bunch of unbelievable news.
“Wow.” Katarina’s hands rub over her baby bump thoughtfully. “I knew that Ben wanted you, but Stoneheart also wanting Ben is a surprise.”
“Fuck, you can’t tell Kalos,” I say, annoyed at myself for not considering that. “He can’t have any reason to doubt Ben’s loyalty. Ben would never leave him.”
Katarina waves my concern away. “Kalos is a big bad dragon. He can make his own decisions about his organization.”
I breathed a sigh in relief. “So yeah, that’s me, also the terms must have been good enough for Ben because I got tongue fucked into oblivion.”
Katarina snorts before becoming serious again. “And that solved the whole, people wanting you to consummate your marriage?”
“Seems to have for now at least,” I say, not including that the very action seems to have led to opening a can of worms of imaginings that leave me squirming.
“And Stoneheart was, like, there?” Katarina whispers, a little scandalized but more marveling.
I choke out a laugh. “Don’t get any ideas. Kalos would fry someone before doing the same. Stoneheart doesn’t feel the same about me as your mate does about you.”
Katarina frowns. “Just because someone wants to share, doesn’t mean that his feelings for you are less.”
I shake my head. “You’re right. Obviously, in general, people can have deep feelings and be polyamorous. I just…” My shoulders fall. “He doesn’t feel that way about me.”
Something did seem to be bothering him last night if his biting tone was anything to take note of. If he were anyone else, I’d assume it was jealousy, but it’s his plan. Why would he go along with it if it made him jealous?
“Are you sure?” Katarina asks.
I shrug. “No. He’s a vault. There’s no way of knowing his true intentions. So, for now, it’s better for me to believe he doesn’t feel that way about me.” Because if I believe differently, I’ll start deluding myself like I did the first night.
Katarina hums. “This all explains why Ben was so quiet this morning.”
“Quiet how?” I ask and want to castigate myself for it, but Katarina understands. If anyone can empathize with having feelings for someone who acts emotionally unavailable, it’s her. Kalos wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows when she started living with him. He’s still not all sunshine and rainbows unless he’s looking at his mate.
The love he shows for Katarina makes the clusterfuck I’m dealing with worth it. I’m glad my friend is happy and loved. She deserves it.
Katarina sips from her tea before responding. “Not a bad quiet. Like he was thinking.”
I hate the way he left after what we did last night. It felt like he’d led me up a mountain with each lick, and when I held out my hand for the last step, he pushed me to fall.
I keep having to remind myself that he hasn’t made me any promises.
Stoneheart had been surprisingly comforting last night. Not with words, but with affection that mirrored what I’ve read aftercare is like, carrying me to our bedroom when my limbs were at their most noodle-y and cleaning me up. I’d been so surprised that I let him do it.
But that didn’t stop me from waking up alone in the bed.
I shake my head. “I feel at odds with this. Like if I think about it for too long, I’ll build it into something it’s not, but what else am I supposed to do? I have no purpose. I took some comfort before the wedding thinking that at least at the beginning, Stoneheart and I would be building a relationship together.”
Katarina’s face softens in understanding.
“I was all in,” I say. It’s hard to confess that, and I frown in frustration. “But Stoneheart has been clear that isn’t going to be my role, and he doesn’t seem to want me involved in the territory no matter how often I ask to help.”
I make an empty gesture, running out of words. I want to kick ass at what I do, and without that, I’m lost. Like a core part of me is left dangling in the wind with the rest of my attributes that don’t quite fit anymore.
“Was your life’s purpose before the wedding only about revenge?” Katarina asks without judgment.
“No.” I blow out a breath, trying to remember how I was just a week and a half ago. Yes, I had that smoldering anger against Lorenzo Leonid, but I was settled in my life. “I was filling a need by helping people with my charms. Now my aunt wants me to take her place on the board for the organization that runs the nonprofits in the territory. She thinks that it will help people learn to trust me.”
Ariel had detailed this all in an email she sent not too long after our meeting. My aunt seems to be full of all kinds of ideas.
“But you’re not feeling it?”
I sigh. “They’re for good causes, but it’s not me. There’s not a single thing that I’d be more equipped to handle than someone else who has more passion and experience for the role.”
I look at my friend’s pregnancy belly. “She also thinks having a baby will help things along.”
“Whoa!” Katarina’s eyes bug out. “Okay, time out. You guys haven’t even slept together like that.”
“I know! But at least that’s a way to ease the fears of the territory that only I can provide.”
The concept has circled my thoughts and won’t leave them. I could do it. It would help everyone settle down and solidify the safety of the territory.
Katarina tilts her head bringing me back to our conversation. “Is easing the fear of others solely your responsibility?”
“Shouldn’t it be? People are relying on me.”
Katarina holds up a finger, and her brows crease in thought. She’s good at thinking about the big picture. She’d have to be with her history of pulling off heists from well secured places.
The silence of letting her think through things gives me a moment to breathe. This is all happening so quickly.
My phone starts to buzz, and my eyes widen when I see who it is. “Fuck, it’s my mom.”
“You haven’t told her yet?” Katarina’s question is nearly a screech. “And you’re sitting here contemplating having a baby? She can’t stay on a cruise forever.”
“I’m waiting until she gets back!” I wince. The guilt I’ve been ignoring peeks its head up. I have three days until she gets back. I’d hoped that things would be more settled by the time she returned, but I had no idea what actually went into being a key player in a territory take over.
“Well answer it!” Katarina says.
I take a moment to calm myself so that the perceptive woman on the other end of the line doesn’t pick up on it. She’s always been too good at that.
“Hi, Mom,” I say brightly.
“Hey, sweetie, I missed your voice and just wanted to check in while we had good service.”
“I’m just hanging out with Kat. How is your trip going?”
“You should see the flowers here! I know you had to stay home for work, but I really wish you could have come with me.”
I huff a laugh. “I don’t think I would be into analyzing all the greenery like you are.”
My mother’s specialty is plants. They always do as she instructs, and the garden at our townhouse is otherworldly. It’s a good thing it’s on a watering timer because if I was supposed to keep it alive while she was gone, it would have died by now.
“No. You’re quite right. The sights have been lovely though, and there’s all types of jewelry stands about,” she says, and my lips twitch. Just as I don’t have an affinity for plants, Mom doesn’t care a wit for jewelry or the materials.
“We’ll have to plan another trip sometime,” I say before thinking it through. My smile falls. How exactly would I go on vacation now? Would I need to take security with me?
My mother agrees, not picking up my thoughts through the phone, and continues to gush about all the activities and the food, and for a few minutes I give soft sounds of input for each one.
“That sounds so amazing,” I hum. “I bet you’re bummed that you’ll be coming home soon.”
“Actually, about that…I’ve sort of met someone. Well, someone we know.”
My eyes widen. “What?”
“You remember Carl?”
I’m at a loss for a minute with all the new names and faces I’ve met since my wedding, but finally it clicks.
“Carl the wolf shifter?” I ask, frowning, and she hums in confirmation.
Carl is the landlord of the building my shop was in. I had been nervous when he’d bought the property a couple of years ago, but he’s been amazing to work with and sorted out an annoying zoning issue with the Council for me a year ago.
I thank him by bringing him lunch every so often. He’s actually the one who suggested the cruise, having met Mom and gotten talking about growing things the few times she’s visited my shop. Suspicion has my eyes narrowing.
“It turns out he’s on this cruise too. Isn’t that a wild coincidence?” she asks.
“Wild,” I croak.
Mom laughs a little awkwardly. “Well, we kind of hit it off.”
“Is that so?”
Katarina tilts her head in curiosity at the expression on my face. She met someone , I mouth at Katarina, and her brows rise up in a delight I wish I could share in whole-heartedly.
Mom continues shyly, “He’s offered to be my traveling buddy if I wanted to extend my trip by a week and do a tour that includes the Dominica Botanic Gardens and some rainforest treks!”
“That sounds amazing,” I squeak.
“I know! So, you’d be okay with that?” Mom goes from giddy to concerned in a flash.
“Of course I’m okay with that. Are you sure about Carl?” I ask. The guy seems great. I’ve always really liked him, but this all is way too convenient… “Traveling together is a big step.”
There’s a rustle on the other side of the phone as if Mom is moving to another room. The realization that Carl is probably with her right now is a little jarring.
When she speaks again, it’s with a heartfelt confidence that’s usually absent when she’s focusing on herself. “He makes me happy. I don’t want to be careful about this.”
Because Mom has been careful about things as long as I can remember. And now, with hearing the history of the man she married, I understand why.
“I’m happy for you.” And I’ll kill Carl if he fucks this up for her. Maybe he did maneuver to go on the same cruise as her because he’s always liked her, maybe it’s all one happy coincidence.
And maybe I’m going to ask my husband questions because Carl gained me seven more days on top of the three I currently have to prepare for Mom’s return, but I don’t see how Stoneheart could have had a hand in planning that.
“I won’t keep you if you’re hanging out with Kat, but are you doing okay? You sound a little down,” Mom says.
I grimace, but I don’t want to hide everything from her. She’s always been my greatest champion, and I miss her like crazy. “Just a lot of stuff coming up, and I’m not quite sure how to handle it all.”
“Is it the Council again? Carl did say they were making noise about that zoning rule with charm makers.”
I almost laugh. The Council is definitely a part of it, even if the noise they are making is affecting me differently than before.
“It’s something like that,” I admit. “There are a lot of rules in our world.”
“I can ask Carl?—”
“No, you two enjoy your vacation. I have people on my side.” The truth of that statement rings. Everything feels confusing right now, but I have allies: Ben, Katarina, and Kalos. Even Stoneheart and his people are all working toward the same goal.
I’m just unsettled because I don’t know what role to take toward that goal.
“All right.” Mom’s voice is soft, soothing. “I have the utmost confidence in you. You are Stella Elderflower. You follow your own rules, always have. You are unstoppable when you put your mind to it.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I swallow the emotion, and we bid our goodbyes.
Under all the guilt I’ve piled on myself, there’s a shine of truth that Mom reminded me of. I’ve handled myself for years. I started my business from scratch, and now my charms are sought after throughout the territories.
I brought down my most hated adversary.
I am Stella-fucking-Elderflower.
Katarina and I are silent for a moment, but when I glance at her, there’s a sparkle in her eyes as if she’s holding back her words. I’m glad to have a friend who knows me so well.
“I’m going about this wrong,” I say.
“I was just coming to that conclusion,” Katarina says. “Your aunt has provided recommendations, but that doesn’t mean it’s the only way forward.”
I nod. “I’ve been relying too much on the direction of others because I felt directionless.”
“And now?”
Something quaking and frantic in my chest settles . “I’ve been reminded that I’ve always needed to find my own way, and that I’m good at making things work out.”
The responsibility and the weight of the territory is still heavy, but it’s less like an inevitable draw and more like a pendulum gearing up the next swing of action.
The clarity is startling, but I’m under no illusion wrestling my new position will be easy. There’s a certain gargoyle who may take issue, but he had his chance to offer me the position I needed, and he squandered it as surely as the opportunity for a real mating.
So I’ll make my own position.
I voice my thoughts. “The Leonid territory is as much mine as it is his, and it’s time I act like it.”